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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

395 replies

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:12

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 04/08/2022 20:38

If marriage isn't on the cards after4dc and 15 years, when will it be?!

HotCaterpillar · 04/08/2022 20:39

Yabu. You chose this set up. Should have got married or not sacrificed your career.

CombatBarbie · 04/08/2022 20:40

He's done you over a good one!!!!

Nothappyatwork · 04/08/2022 20:41

Even when you’re married you can get in front of misogynistic judge who will imply that you sat on your arse for 15 years when actually you worked full time and contributed towards the house. I just because you are awarded a settlement doesn’t mean you’re going to get it.

I would never again put my eggs in anybody else’s basket literally.

Original poster
Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 20:44

@Haffiana @CherryBlossomAutumn
I don't feel like I've made any mistakes either. Our children are financially provided for and have college fund and whilst I'd like to be further along I my career I still have (the remnants of) one :)

It does feel like the person whom takes more responsibility within the home and with the children is in a really vulnerable position but at the moment I am not interested in being anyone's wife for financial reasons. No thanks! That being said, I wouldn't blame anyone for marrying for security if necessary. I feel fortunate that my children's financial future is secure and I think if I didn't have this I may feel very differently about the whole marriage thing.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 04/08/2022 20:44

Morally you are right. Your contribution to the family matters.

Legally, you aren't married and can't prove you made significant financial contributions to the house so no, you likely aren't entitled legally.

PuzzledObserver · 04/08/2022 20:45

Centuries ago, marriage was all about property, inheritance and political alliances - all under male control, of course.

Then somewhere along the line it became about romance, and then (thanks to the Victorians) about morals.

Now it seems to be back to being about property and money. What goes around, comes around. Ah well, at least women these days are more likely to have a free choice whether to marry or not.

TailSpinner · 04/08/2022 20:47

I will be working and saving to buy a property of my own. Obviously having young children has limited my working and saving capacity over the recent years. Ultimately, I can earn more than my partner but it didn't make sense to work more than part-time with childcare expenses and the fact that I would see the children less.

I think this is a smart move. But it all seems very transactional like your simply dealing with a difficult business partner, so I hope you don’t mind me asking - why are you with him? Or why did you get with him all those years ago? He doesn’t want to get married, he doesn’t want to share home ownership with you - obviously he’s free to make that choice. But it’s an odd choice to keep you at arms length in this way, it doesn’t sound like a loving or trusting relationship. Not relevant to the thread I know, so feel free to ignore, but I am confused about that.

IrisVersicolor · 04/08/2022 20:48

You may be able to establish a beneficial interest in the home if you can show the money you spent on the home and the work you did on it. Do you have bank statements and receipts? Have you done work yourself - painting, DIY etc?

Haffiana · 04/08/2022 20:50

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 20:44

@Haffiana @CherryBlossomAutumn
I don't feel like I've made any mistakes either. Our children are financially provided for and have college fund and whilst I'd like to be further along I my career I still have (the remnants of) one :)

It does feel like the person whom takes more responsibility within the home and with the children is in a really vulnerable position but at the moment I am not interested in being anyone's wife for financial reasons. No thanks! That being said, I wouldn't blame anyone for marrying for security if necessary. I feel fortunate that my children's financial future is secure and I think if I didn't have this I may feel very differently about the whole marriage thing.

However if you separate, then your children's 'college fund' or whatever will not provide you with a roof to put over their head whilst they stay with you.

TowelChair · 04/08/2022 20:50

You created a really insecure position for yourself by having 4 children and also stepping back your career to keep house. I hope you’re not renting into old age. It doesn’t sound like a hood partnership that your OH hasn’t recognised your contribution to your family. Ouch that must hurt after such a time

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2022 20:52

Is it an option for him to rent his current house i.e him be a landlord and you both jointly buy and live in a family home.
If you are higher earner it makes sense for you to work more then your income isn't affected and you will be paying full amount into pension.
At end of day you are legally single and need to make your financial decisions accordingly.

CrossStitch87 · 04/08/2022 20:56

at the moment I am not interested in being anyone's wife for financial reasons. No thanks!

🙄

Ragwort · 04/08/2022 20:57

If you are not interested in being someone's wife 'for financial reasons' then what is the point of your post? Confused Do you want to change the Law around 'common law wife' issues? What is your objection to being married?

A marriage is a legal binding contract between two people, you don't need a 'wedding day', a white frock, to call yourself a wife or take your DH's name or any of the other crap surrounding 'big, flashy weddings'. It will just protect you and, at the very least, show you that your DH respects what you have put into your relationship and producing four (!!) DC.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2022 21:02

What plans do you have for housing if he throws you out today or dies and has left his house to another person/charity?
It's up to you of course if you don't want to marry but that is the legal mechanism that can take into account contribution to family life in the event of a split. Marriage would also enable you to register matrimonial home rights on his house to potentially avoid you being immediately thrown out of his house if you split.
You don't need to be a 'wife' - civil partnership provides same protections and is now available to opposite sex couples.

RenegadeMatron · 04/08/2022 21:02

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 20:44

@Haffiana @CherryBlossomAutumn
I don't feel like I've made any mistakes either. Our children are financially provided for and have college fund and whilst I'd like to be further along I my career I still have (the remnants of) one :)

It does feel like the person whom takes more responsibility within the home and with the children is in a really vulnerable position but at the moment I am not interested in being anyone's wife for financial reasons. No thanks! That being said, I wouldn't blame anyone for marrying for security if necessary. I feel fortunate that my children's financial future is secure and I think if I didn't have this I may feel very differently about the whole marriage thing.

It’s all well and good to feel the way you do, if you have a partner who feels the same way.

You do not.

In fact, you have a partner who thinks it’s laughable that you should be entitled to anything.

So, on that basis, you’re a bit screwed.

And as I said upthread, no wonder you don’t want to be such a man’s wife. Who would?

RenegadeMatron · 04/08/2022 21:04

To hammer the point home - your gripe shouldn’t be with the system.

It should be with your partner.

You could have everything you want, regardless of marriage and a ‘bit of paper’, if not for him.

rwalker · 04/08/2022 21:06

Your update changes it for me basically his family gave him the money for the house It's his.
TBH if I was ever in the position to give my kids money for a house . I'd want it protecting . Not someone pay billing a few bills and waltzing off with a chunk of it .
He's not bought a house of the back of your input.

Mummytomonkey12 · 04/08/2022 21:09

@Greenlife1 I am so sorry you are in this position.

not easy and financials can be awkward conversations. But, it’s time to put the big girl pants on!

you need to find out if he realises and understands how exposed and Vunerable you are with this situation. If he doesn’t understand - you can work on a plan. If he does, I would question how much he cares and respects the mother of his 4 children. You are a Team after all. Good luck

can your contributions go towards the mortgage and he pays the bills you pay at the moment?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2022 21:09

Your update suggests it’s all good. Not sure why you’re posting.

IrisAtwood · 04/08/2022 21:10

My ex threw me out and told me that he excluded me from the deeds so that he could do so. I lost almost everything and had no recourse.

Nothappyatwork · 04/08/2022 21:14

@Greenlife1 The trouble is you think/hope your children are well provided for unless he meets somebody else and she decides that she wants to be well provided for at the expense of your children and again there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it it’s sickening.

The only way you can control the narrative is in to ensure that you are providing for them. Anything else is a bonus. In your shoes I would insure yourself up to the hilt immediately until you can build some assets, then should the worst happen they’ve at least got the cash sum guaranteed.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 04/08/2022 21:15

I left dp and took our 3 dc. Not a penny came my way.

cherish123 · 04/08/2022 21:17

Do you have proof you have paid rent?
I don't know what the answer is. If he is buying the house with his money, you cannot expect him to give you a chunk. However, it does seem unfair. You must have been aware this would happen. Could you invest in a flat or buy into his house?

FinallyHere · 04/08/2022 21:17

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation @Greenlife1

moral high ground, absolutely no rights or power.

Sorry.

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