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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

395 replies

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:12

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 04/08/2022 21:19

RenegadeMatron · 04/08/2022 21:02

It’s all well and good to feel the way you do, if you have a partner who feels the same way.

You do not.

In fact, you have a partner who thinks it’s laughable that you should be entitled to anything.

So, on that basis, you’re a bit screwed.

And as I said upthread, no wonder you don’t want to be such a man’s wife. Who would?

Show quote history

Yep.
You're trying to say that you're not worried etc but clearly you are- and with good reason.
Your partner is sticking two fingers up at you by not putting you on the deeds of the new home. He isn't properly committed to you.
Time to wise up and refuse to pay half the bills till you're put in the deeds.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2022 21:21

CherryBlossomAutumn · 04/08/2022 19:38

@Begoniasforever you sound like her partner! Wow. Women really don’t support other women sometimes. HE chose to have a partner and HE chose to have kids too. All OP is asking for is fairness and equality in the relationship. Good for her for at least realising she’s worth more than being fobbed off by a selfish man. We should be supporting OP 100%.

But so did OP!! SHE chose to have a partner and SHE chose to have kids, he presumably didn't force any of this on her. She chose of her own free will to move in and have children with a man she was not married to. She could have insisted on marriage, she could have taken a look at her financial situation and said "No, I cannot afford to have four children and maintain my financial situation. We need to limit our family to 'X' children". She could have chosen to maintain her career instead of 'sacrificing' it for his. IF she chose to 'sacrifice' her career for his, again, that was her choice. Many of us manage to keep our careers going after having children and expect our partners/husbands to do the same.

mellicauli · 04/08/2022 21:27

You are in a difficult position. You need to force his hand. Move into rented accommodation (without the children) for a month. Stop paying household bills. Don't do any childcare. Just so he can fully appreciate the contribution you make. That;s what a man would do.

Bollocks989 · 04/08/2022 21:28

Solicitor, now?

Violettaa · 04/08/2022 21:34

Obviously having young children has limited my working and saving capacity over the recent years. Ultimately, I can earn more than my partner but it didn't make sense to work more than part-time

This is interesting (genuinely). Has being a parent ‘obviously’ limited your DH’s career, and did it make sense for him to go PT?

Im absolutely not oblivious to the impact that 4x mat leaves could have. But there assumption that it was your career that takes a hit after this despite your potentially earning more, and I’d love to know why.

Begoniasforever · 04/08/2022 21:39

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 20:44

@Haffiana @CherryBlossomAutumn
I don't feel like I've made any mistakes either. Our children are financially provided for and have college fund and whilst I'd like to be further along I my career I still have (the remnants of) one :)

It does feel like the person whom takes more responsibility within the home and with the children is in a really vulnerable position but at the moment I am not interested in being anyone's wife for financial reasons. No thanks! That being said, I wouldn't blame anyone for marrying for security if necessary. I feel fortunate that my children's financial future is secure and I think if I didn't have this I may feel very differently about the whole marriage thing.

Do you understand this makes no sense? Your childrens financial security is irrelevant of your marital status and as adults they will be responsible for themselves

now you’re saying you’ve made no mistakes and are going to get a mortgage and buy your own property and become a landlord? How long exactly will it take you to do this, go back to work full time, save a deposit etc?

also what’s the point in the thread if you think you’ve got it nailed?

rwalker · 04/08/2022 21:42

FinallyHere · 04/08/2022 21:17

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation @Greenlife1

moral high ground, absolutely no rights or power.

Sorry.

Read the update his family bought him a house and she's lived rent free for 15 years

christinarossetti39 · 04/08/2022 21:42

Violettaa OP did mention wanting to spend more time with her children when they were young as a reason that she didn't work full time.

whynotwhatknot · 04/08/2022 21:45

He might be legally right but he doesnt sound very nice-what are his good qualities op

Violettaa · 04/08/2022 21:49

@christinarossetti39 sure, lots of parents want that.

But she also mentions her career ‘obviously’ taking a hit, and it not making sense for her to work PT. Those are the interesting bits.

(and I’m trying not to be snarky. Genuinely interested in the social norms we live in that creates this, if that doesn’t sound too wanky)

Evilcountspatula · 04/08/2022 21:51

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you? I’ve voted YABU on the basis that I cannot understand why you’ve kept having children with a man who doesn’t appear to love and respect you. I’m sorry, that sounds really harsh but I think you need to seriously think about how you protect yourself financially for the future. If he treats you like this now imagine how he would behave if he decided he didn’t want this relationship any longer.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 04/08/2022 21:54

Morally and ethically doesn't matter. It's legal that does, and you're fucked. No claim on the house, or a very difficult one which you'll need money to prove and unlikely to win.

Thefruitbatdancer · 04/08/2022 21:57

Could you not buy the next house as tenants in common with you buying 50%, with a mortgage? He then buys the remainder with the money from the sale of his house. Then any money which was left over from the sale of his 1st house could be invested. So you each have 50% share in the house which you can leave in Your will directly to your children or each other. That would be my advice for your situation as well as sorting out your wills & getting married.

HermioneKipper · 04/08/2022 22:00

Will he put you on the deeds? How could he not. Massive arsehole if he refuses

FinallyHere · 04/08/2022 22:04

she's lived rent free for 15 years

@rwalker

As I said, at his whim, with absolutely no rights or power.

saleorbouy · 04/08/2022 22:07

Legally your position is precarious. If you use your money to improve the property and buy furniture make sure you have a record of it.
Personally I would want more security for myself and my family if I was in a long term partnership.

Minimalme · 04/08/2022 22:09

You seem quite relaxed about it op - a sort of 'cool' wife who doesn't need her man for marriage or money.

You don't want to listen to our advice and I can't help but feel you want us all to admire how little security you need.

What I would say if if your partner ever decides to split up with you, he can ask you to leave the house and keep all four kids with him.

Minimalme · 04/08/2022 22:13

And actually, your post title is all wrong - it isn't 'our' family home, it's his home which he allows his family to live in.

I hope for your sake that continues.

Whadda · 04/08/2022 22:20

However there is only one person at fault here, her partner!

You seem to think that women have no agency- it’s very odd.

The situation has suited OP, until it didn’t.

I think she had a pretty good deal- living rent-free for 15 years and being able to work part-time and have many children.

Livpool · 04/08/2022 22:25

If OP doesn't want to marry so her partner can't have access to her money - why should he put her on the deeds?!

Seems like a very tit for tat relationship

NrlySp · 04/08/2022 22:26

Why can’t your name be on the deeds. Or a will where you are the beneficiary of the house if your partner dies

Decidualcast · 04/08/2022 22:27

SallyWD · 04/08/2022 16:28

This is awful! When my parter (now DH) and I bought our first house together he was listed as having a greater share of the house which I completely understood as he paid for the deposit and was paying the mortgage. However as soon as we had a child together he felt very uncomfortable owning more of the house than me because he saw us as equals - despite the fact he was paying more financially. We changed things so we both owned 50% of the house. This was HIS idea. We're now married. I can't believe your partner is treating you like a second class citizen after 15 years and raising a family together. You're in a very vulnerable position.

You are one lucky person to have such a considerate man. Give him a big hug.

Decidualcast · 04/08/2022 22:33

What’s the point of your post exactly?

Ginger1982 · 04/08/2022 22:33

FinallyHere · 04/08/2022 22:04

she's lived rent free for 15 years

@rwalker

As I said, at his whim, with absolutely no rights or power.

She should have insisted on marriage then.

StillHappy · 04/08/2022 22:48

bloodyunicorns · 04/08/2022 20:37

Your p is morally wrong. Very wrong.

How so, though? It sounds as though he’s provided a home, fed and housed their children, and provided for her means for many years.

If that’s the case, where does the entitlement come from to also have a share of the house that he bought?