Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

[Mightbeunwell]

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

I'm so sorry for your worry.

But I do think YABU. Sleep is important, and if he's had a bad might already (perhaps because he's heard you up?), I can see why he's not impressed.

Shoe on the other foot - if your husband was waiting for a possible cancer diagnosis, couldn’t sleep for worrying and then woke you up 15 minutes before your usual wake up and was visibly upset, how would you react? I’m sure it would be nothing like the way he has.
I think you must know that your husband has acted appallingly. I can understand that your mind will be doing cartwheels at the moment though, so be reassured you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

You’re kidding right?!

You’re not being unreasonable in wanting to have company - sorry you are going through this. However maybe he had a crap sleep too, he’ll be worried about you too - and if you’ve finally managed to get some sleep and it’s interrupted? My mood never great under those circs?
Am sure it will have blown over by the time he is home from work, an apology to each other and a cuddle prob in order?
wishing you well x

I know you need support etc but there is a difference between waking up and being woken and if he has been kept awake with you cleaning etc no matter the reason I can understand the initial grumpiness. It shouldn’t carry on though once he has come too properly. I think gently you could have waited 15 minutes.

I’m really sorry for your situation, and hope it is all ok.
But you shouldn’t have woken him, and also you probably made a bit of noise when you were tidying, so he probably did have a broken sleep.

Assuming your husband isn’t a jerk, just talk to him, tell him you’re worried, and get a big hug

If my husband was awaiting results and was upset and worried, I could not care less if he woke me up 2 hours before the alarm.

He could be as worried as you though and not know what to do to support you, some people get angry when they are upset. But I think he handled this badly.

I hope all goes well for you and your worries are unfounded.

Yanbu op and I also think you're dh was a prick

I’m so sorry you are having to wait like this. Must be so hard. Your dh acted like an inconsiderate idiot. He is probably also doing his fair share of worrying. But yadnbu. Sending thoughts

I can’t believe these responses. It’s not just the initial annoyance of being woken up, which even so should have been put aside considering the worry OP is going through. But the husband not even acknowledging she’s crying? He’s being so unsupportive and self centred to care more about his poor night’s sleep than what his wife is going through.

If he had a shit night's sleep, 15 mins extra wasn't going to miraculously fix that. The initial grumpiness I could overlook, but to continue stewing over it while you went for a walk and then carry on berating you for 15 mins instead of just moving the fuck on isn't fair on you.

Whether he's worried or not, he needs to show compassion for you, not make a drama out of getting 15 mins less sleep fgs.

I wouldn’t be happy with you cleaning at that time, and then being woken early. YABVU.

It's an argument over nothing. You're both worried and not sleeping well, and therefore both tetchy. Don't make a thing of it - just let it lie. There are bigger things to worry about in the world.

Yes. You are married to an insensitive prick.
Hope you’re seen soon.
Best of luck.

My husband is a deep sleeper who was soundly asleep for the hours I lay awake last night next to him, I admit if I was tidying, moving things about etc… I may have disturbed him but guarantee me quietly running a damp cloth around the bathroom woke no one up.

I would also agree that under normal circumstances waking him up 15 minutes early because I couldn’t sleep would be a bit selfish and is not something I would normally do, but the circumstances aren’t normal at the moment. I would 100% forgo sleep to support him if the roles were reversed.

I get that the situation will also be affecting him and emotions are running high, but he wasn’t just a bit grumpy he was pretty nasty tbh.

OP, I know that you are worried, but the chances are in your favour and this is nothing serious. I think specifically waking him up was unnecessary, I don’t understand why you needed him awake for those fifteen minutes. So yes I think YAB a little bit U, but also he doesn’t need to go on and on about it.

I doubt it's being awoken 15 mins early.

I imagine he was well aware of your restlessness all night, which turned into housework tasks at 4am in the morning, of which you may felt wasn't bothering him or making noise - but most likely was. I wouldn't have been happy with that, and it would have kept me awake.

I would be understanding of my husbands fear, but also understanding having sleep deprived people, who still have to work, isn't helping either.

Yabu and I would have been annoyed too. I don't want to be waken up before the time I need to be up for work, that isn't helpful behaviour, it's annoying. Also your pottering about could have well disturbed him and that would have pissed me off no end had I been in this situation. Yabu.

My dh is always a grumpy sod if he’s woken up. He’s fine if he wakes up naturally, but can be quite curt if woken up, until he’s properly awake. Maybe your dh is the same.

I think it’s one of those situations where neither were in the wrong.

Hoping everything is fine healthwise.

Really shocked at some of these responses. Of course YANBU. Are there really all these people on this site who think it’s ok to spit the dummy because you were woken 15 minutes early by your wife worried about possible cancer? Amazing.

DH and I have woken each other in the night many times over the years when we’ve been worried about things and they’ve been far less weighty things than cancer. It’s not always convenient but surely an adult can put aside their grumpiness about missing a bit of sleep in orde r to support their partner?

One thought, and this only applies if your husband is generally a nice chap. Could it be that he’s actually equally worried but his way of coping is denial? So he’s mentally filed it under “this will be ok” and anything that challenges that (such as you waking him up feeling scared) is strongly resisted? It’s the only thing I can think of that would explain his reaction if he’s normally a good guy.

I think you were both a bit unreasonable (him more so).

Some people are foul when they've just woken up, especially after poor sleep. I think his reaction was spontaneous and its difficult to pull your feelings back at that time, ans to him that 15m might have made a big difference to how he felt on waking. He could also be very worried about you.

That said, he was nasty and you deserve an apology. Try not to get too hung up on the mornings events, I know you're going through hell with fear right now but things said in an early morning sleep deprived fog are never meant.

Do what you need to to look after yourself today and talk to him later. An apology and a little understanding on both sides is all that's needed to smooth this over

If you’re partner was waiting to find out if they had cancer or not, you would be annoyed at behaviour that wasn’t “helpful” to you? I don’t know how people live in such a bubble where only their feelings and needs matter

Thank you @Richenda @Putonyourshoes I think this sums up how I’m feeling.

People seem to be fixating on my doing a bit of cleaning and assuming I kept him awake but I 100% guarantee that he would have mentioned it this morning if that were the case, and I really needed the distraction to keep me from wallowing. I think if I hadn’t gotten up I would have tossed and turned and woken him up a lot sooner tbh.

aReally shocked at some of these responses. Of course YANBU. Are there really all these people on this site who think it’s ok to spit the dummy because you were woken 15 minutes early by your wife worried about possible cancer? Amazing.

It's not just 15 minutes though. She's been tossing and turning and then got up at 5.45am to clean the bathroom. That will have kept him awake and disturbed his sleep already.

I know I'm a grumpy sod in the morning if I've not had enough sleep and if someone wakes me up suddenly I'm not going to bound out of bed and be ready to comfort someone, regardless of the reason.

I honestly sympathise with OP but having two sleep-deprived adults heading off to work won't actually help anyone. I understand the need to talk and to have some comfort but there was really no need to wake him up at the crack of dawn.

Don't be put off by people saying you shouldn't have woken him up. I'm not sure who prioritises sleep over their worried spouse. Very strange! Of course YANBU. I'm sorry that you are facing this worrying time and hoping you get a good outcome.