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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

168 replies

Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 07:22

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

OP posts:
LumpyandBumps · 04/08/2022 09:45

I can’t help but wonder how all of these people who couldn’t function due to be awoken 15 minutes early on ONE occasion, coped with babies and children.

Surely most parents went to work and were productive despite being woken one or more times most nights? That was certainly my experience.

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 09:48

but if someone woke me like this I'd be absolutely furious until i had woken up properly, had a coffee and calmed down.
The OP went for a 45min walk, he had plenty of time to have a coffee and calm down and he was still a cunt to her when she came back.

So? we're all different. It might take me an hour to calm down depending on circs. And if then my DH went for a walk and i was awake for no apparent reason (as my barely awake and grumpy brain would be telling me) i'd be even more grumpy requiring more coffee and more time and probably a shower to stop being grumpy and step up.

This man isn't a complete stranger, OPs first consult was a week ago. Those 15 minutes are a bafflement to me. But not to others. Because we're all different.

Original poster
Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 09:49

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 09:29

Oh okay, I must be a figment of my own imagination then 🙄

I genuinely don't see why it couldn't have waited fifteen minutes until her DH was awake and able to have a conversation.

Show quote history

I genuinely can’t tell you why it got to the point that I just couldn’t be alone with my thoughts and feelings any longer, it just did. 15 minutes early is not a broken nights sleep. He regularly wakes me up before my alarm as he leaves for work much earlier than me, sometimes I can get back to sleep sometimes I can’t, I’m generally not nasty about it, it’s just life. Yes before you say when he does it it’s not intentionally and me waking him this morning 100% was but tbh I just wanted a bit of physical contact a cuddle before he got up to go to work not to get him out of bed and have some long drawn out conversation, and it would have made me feel better, forgive me for thinking that part of being in a loving relationship might just be sometimes putting the needs of your partner (however silly they might seem) above 15 minutes of sleep and I honestly never thought he would react the way he did or I would never have woken him.

Not interested in having any back and forth with you on this, you asked a question which I’ve answered. You have your thoughts I have mine and we’re certainly allowed to disagree.

All I can say is thank you to those that do understand I’ve found enough support on here to feel a bit better about things.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 04/08/2022 09:50

LumpyandBumps · 04/08/2022 09:45

I can’t help but wonder how all of these people who couldn’t function due to be awoken 15 minutes early on ONE occasion, coped with babies and children.

Surely most parents went to work and were productive despite being woken one or more times most nights? That was certainly my experience.

Going out on a limb here, but OP isn’t a child or a baby. She could genuinely have chosen not to wake him up? That’s not the case with children/babies.

mumto2teenagers · 04/08/2022 09:51

I'm not sure either of you are being unreasonable.

However I'm wondering had you already discussed how worried you are with your DH, if you went to the GP a week ago, I am struggling to understand why you felt the need to wake him to talk about it. Would it have made much difference to wait the 15 mins and then explain to him how you are feeling once he was awake.

I had something similar a few years ago, I don't tend to worry about this kind of thing, and at the time DH stressed me out about it more because he was worried about it . Appreciate everyone reacts differently to this type of thing, mine turned out to be nothing serious so hoping it's the same for you.

TibetanTerrah · 04/08/2022 09:54

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 09:48

but if someone woke me like this I'd be absolutely furious until i had woken up properly, had a coffee and calmed down.
The OP went for a 45min walk, he had plenty of time to have a coffee and calm down and he was still a cunt to her when she came back.

So? we're all different. It might take me an hour to calm down depending on circs. And if then my DH went for a walk and i was awake for no apparent reason (as my barely awake and grumpy brain would be telling me) i'd be even more grumpy requiring more coffee and more time and probably a shower to stop being grumpy and step up.

This man isn't a complete stranger, OPs first consult was a week ago. Those 15 minutes are a bafflement to me. But not to others. Because we're all different.

Needing an hour to calm down because you missed out on literally minutes of sleep is self absorbed and frankly pathetic tbh.

PortalooSunset · 04/08/2022 09:57

Has you woken him up in the middle of the night when you first woke, as you were panicky and feeling uncertain of the future I would have said ywnbu, but 15 minutes before his alarm intentionally or not says "right well I'm up so you need to be" and is unreasonable imo.

WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 04/08/2022 09:59

Sorry, I am missing the point of the post a bit, but do please ring the GP surgery to check the referral has been made. I waited till the 2-week point with a referral and heard nothing - rang the breast clinic and they hadn't had a referral through at all, it had somehow got missed. They very kindly squeezed me in so I didn't have to wait another 2 weeks. Best of luck with it.

Usernumber1squillion · 04/08/2022 10:08

Yanbu to wake him up at any time you needed support but his reaction is telling.
How is he when you are in need of help or are ill generally?

Nutella99 · 04/08/2022 10:09

I'm grumpy generally in the mornings, would usually be doubly so if OH woke me before my alarm...but in circumstances of him being massively worried about something I might initially be groggy but would then get over it and at least give him a hug if I was unable to handle full words yet! YANBU.

SofiaSoFar · 04/08/2022 10:09

If you needed his support right at that moment, absolutely YANBU.

But if you woke him 15 minutes early 'just because', then I think YABU.

A lot of people on this thread are focussed on you needing his support, no matter what the time, and I agree with that if you felt the need to talk at that moment.

But did you wake him 15 minutes early because you needed him, or because "oh his alarm will be going off in 15 mins anyway so I'll just wake him up since I'm up" ?

(He's still wrong being an arse with you but an initial grumpiness on being woken, if it was for no reason, is understandable.)

Original poster
Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 10:13

WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 04/08/2022 09:59

Sorry, I am missing the point of the post a bit, but do please ring the GP surgery to check the referral has been made. I waited till the 2-week point with a referral and heard nothing - rang the breast clinic and they hadn't had a referral through at all, it had somehow got missed. They very kindly squeezed me in so I didn't have to wait another 2 weeks. Best of luck with it.

Thank you I am on hold right now.

Those asking why all of a sudden after a week I felt the need to wake him I think the fact that I hadn’t heard was starting to play on my mind and I was beginning to worry that a situation like yours might have happened.

I’m normally a sensible and pragmatic person all I can say is sometimes peoples feelings and needs don’t always make sense, I suppose especially when faced with something like this!

OP posts:
RightMessUp · 04/08/2022 10:13

I'd have found it really irritating if I were him too but I'd have felt sorry for you too! I think it was strange to wake him up and not just leave him until he woke on his own. I always need a bit of time when I wake up.

HoppingPavlova · 04/08/2022 10:14

I’m sorry for what you are going through but surely you could have waited another 15mins for emotional support? What difference would 15mins really made?

My family know to only wake me if the house is on fire or it’s illness where an ambulance/immediate life saving action is required.

PixellatedPixie · 04/08/2022 10:17

I think some posters on here have failed to read the part where you said your are awaiting a potential cancer diagnosis. I can’t fathom how anybody would be angry being woken up at any time by someone worried about having cancer! I wouldn’t even be cross with my neighbour if she did that - it would be perfectly understandable in the circumstances. It’s a crisis situation.

Tiredmum100 · 04/08/2022 10:19

At first OP I was going to say you were being unreasonable waking him up. However reading the other comments and your updates I dont think you were particularly. I was off with anxiety last year and I understand that overwhelming need for reassurance, which may be difficult for others to understand. Just physical contact to make you feel a bit calmer. I understand your husbands knee jerk reaction at being woken up, but I think he's been horrible by his continued actions. On another note, I really hope you are ok. I had a similar situation last year. Where I thought I had the same breast cancer as my mum. Turns out it was nothing, despite my symptoms. Fingers crossed for you. Best of luck.

Putonyourshoes · 04/08/2022 10:19

PixellatedPixie · 04/08/2022 10:17

I think some posters on here have failed to read the part where you said your are awaiting a potential cancer diagnosis. I can’t fathom how anybody would be angry being woken up at any time by someone worried about having cancer! I wouldn’t even be cross with my neighbour if she did that - it would be perfectly understandable in the circumstances. It’s a crisis situation.

Precisely this! I have taken middle of the night phone calls from friends for less and whilst not ideal for me I haven’t been angry with them for it

Nap1983 · 04/08/2022 10:24

Absolutely not being unreasonable.. if your husband can’t make allowances or be sympathetic to your current stress then tbh he’s a prick. My husbands response to being woken early in those circumstances would have been along the lines of “are you ok babe, do you want a cuddle”

Tiredmum100 · 04/08/2022 10:25

I also waited for 2 weeks, hadn't heard anything, rang the breast clinic and they hadn't had the referral. They were great and took my number and said they would slot me in if there was a cancellation, I was seen quite soon then. Make sure you chase it up if you haven't heard within the 2 weeks.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 04/08/2022 10:32

I’ve not voted either way. You’re probably both worried and not sleeping well. Just try to let it go, sweetheart. Unless there’s a massive backstory.

sillysmiles · 04/08/2022 10:35

I’m normally a sensible and pragmatic person all I can say is sometimes peoples feelings and needs don’t always make sense, I suppose especially when faced with something like this!

Is there a chance that as you are normally pragmatic, he has thought you are not really affected by this news yet and not being upset yet? Have you talked about it during the past 2 weeks?

greatblueheron · 04/08/2022 10:41

I'm very sorry for what you're going through right now.

YANBU. After his initial annoyance, your 'D'H clearly clocked that you were understandably struggling and upset and should have been there for you rather than being nasty to you. But no, he was a prick as he carried on being nasty.

I'm worried this doesn't bode well for him being there for you if it's not good news. I hope you have a good supportive network of family and friends if that turns out to be the case.

billy1966 · 04/08/2022 10:47

OP,

You poor woman.
What a very real worry.

I remember it well from 20 years ago.

I never slept for the week from finding the lump, biopsy and the clear result that it was just some weird scar tissue.

I was so lucky the whole process was so quick, even though it didn't feel like it at the time.

15 minutes was not an early wake up and he sounds spectacularly unkind and nasty.

As for the threat of not returning home?

Unbelievable.

I find it very hard to believe this behaviour is in isolation.

If this is an extension of other selfish, petulant, unkind behaviour, you would be very wise to think long and hard about him.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

You often get to see the real person you live with when unwell.

Some men do not like when their partners are anything other than 100%.

I hope you have friends and family to support you.
Reach out to them.

Wishing you well.

Original poster
Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 10:50

Just got off the phone with the rapid access coordinator seems my doctor didn’t put the referral through last Thursday when I went to see him and waited until the beginning of this week! Offered me an appointment for the 15th which means it will be longer than the two weeks promised 🙁

As I was writing this the lovely lady I was talking to has just called back saying her supervisor told her they’d had a cancellation the appointment is much sooner! Feel much better now I have a date and something is being done!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 04/08/2022 11:11

So glad you've got an appointment OP. My DH is crap in a crisis too. I think in his case it's because he wants me to be the strong one. I hope your DH bucks his ideas up.

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