Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

[Mightbeunwell]

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

Yanbu. I have woken my dh up in these circumstances for lesser reasons. He would rather comfort and listen to me than know I was crying and carrying a burden alone. For the sake of 15min when he was due to wake up in any case, I think he was nasty. Hope your results turn out to be fine op. X

15 minutes?
Where did you go to get your empathy bypass performed @CallOnMe ? !

YANBU YANBU 1000 times YANBU.

If my husband woke me up at 3am and said he needed a cuppa, I would jump out of bed with the understanding that the only reason he would wake me is if he was out of his mind with worry. I'd be appalled if he DIDN'T wake me up when he needed me. And vice versa.

I don't think it's about an empathy bypass though. I'm quite a kind and empathetic person but if someone woke me like this I'd be absolutely furious until i had woken up properly, had a coffee and calmed down.

Since OP had been awake for hours and 15 minutes is such a short time, why couldn't she have waited? (she knows her DH - presumably she knows what he's like when woken up? it's a tough one)

Wow…

Absolutely not the case

Is he always so lacking in empathy?

If you were my partner, I would have wanted you to wake me at 4am and I would have sat with you as long as you needed. I'm astonished that anyone would suggest otherwise. Aside: If you don't have kids yet, don't have them with your husband -- he will be precisely useless for night feeds, etc.

I agree 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your husband is being a dick! He's the one you should be able to wake early because he should want to give you whatever support you ask for. Do you have other people to talk to? I don't think I'd try to speak to him again after that to be honest, but write down your feelings and thoughts ready to have a conversation with him if and when you're ready and don't let him minimise his behaviour. I hope you hear from the specialist soon and I hope that it turns out to be less of a concern than it seems at the moment.

I don’t understand why you woke him up at 5:45am?

You were 1 week post appointment finding a lump, and per what you’d been told 1 week from next appointment to investigate the lump.
I understand not being able to sleep due to worry (I’m on surgery list to have diagnosed skin cancer removed- already been investigated and diagnosed)

But why did that lead to you waking him up at 5:45am on a work day? I understand the need for emotional support, but I don’t know anyone that’s going to be capable of that when woken up at 5:45am. Have you gone the whole week with no support from him?

@sunsetsandsandybeaches
I feel as though you’re pursuing an argument for the sake of it, I don’t think anyone can genuinely believe the things you’re saying. No one in their right mind could see sleeping until their alarm wakes them at their usual time as more important than supporting and comforting an upset partner

You were not out of order at all. Hopefully he'll have time to reflect and apologise when he gets home. Hope you get your appointment soon - if it's been over two weeks since your doctors appointment then please phone them again to follow up on your referral date. Your health is more important than your husbands sleep at this stage definitely.

But he - like you - obviously begrudge losing 15 minutes sleep, & think it's more important than helping calm your spouse's understandable fear.

No, I just don't understand the benefit to waking someone 15 minutes early. Could it genuinely not have waited until he was up and properly awake?

You have been writing as if OP is waking her H at 3am every morning & disrupting sleep to the point his work life is affected. That isn't happening, so stop with the hyperbolic statements.

Some people struggle on one night of broken sleep. It doesn't have to happen every single night for weeks before it causes a problem.

Oh okay, I must be a figment of my own imagination then 🙄

I genuinely don't see why it couldn't have waited fifteen minutes until her DH was awake and able to have a conversation.

What fucking planet are some people on? If either of us were waiting for such life changing news, the other one would be struggling to relax also. But he did, she said he was asleep, she got up I’d imagine, so as not to lie there tossing and turning. I would hope my husband would spend that 15 minutes giving me a cuddle.
Hope that all is well OP.

for you OP.

The waiting is (genuinely) the worst bit.

I can (just about) understand the grumpiness when he first woke up, but forty-five minutes later, remorse (from him) would be the only acceptable response.

@Pollydonia I’m genuinely confused what was happening in that minute that meant OP had to wake him.

Surely if his alarm was going off in 15mins you’d just wait until then.

It’s different if it was an emergency or if it was the middle of the night and you had to wait for hours to speak to him but OP said she’d been up most of the night, done some cleaning and so I’m struggling to understand why it was so important to not be able to wait another 15 mins.

but if someone woke me like this I'd be absolutely furious until i had woken up properly, had a coffee and calmed down.

The OP went for a 45min walk, he had plenty of time to have a coffee and calm down and he was still a cunt to her when she came back.

Really hope you get good news on the health front soon OP, very stressful situation.
But I am also curious, why were you waking him 15minutes early?
And what hours do you work ... I only ask because sometimes resentment can build when one half of a couple does shift work (12 hours at a time, crap hours) and the other has a "cushy" 9 to 5 job (I speak from experience here!)
So his reaction (while awful) might have been brewing for a while if he perceives you as working less hard than him etc etc

And it would be different if you’d had the news the day before but you had the news a week ago - not saying it’s not worrying still but no need to wake someone up over it.

You could say “it could have waited” in any number of scenarios and that still doesn’t mean that it should.
If he was busy cooking dinner and she has got upset and cried would you say she needs to wait until he’s finished before bothering him? I find this whole attitude so bizarre. I can’t comprehend knowing my partner is upset or anxious and only thinking about myself wanting to get more sleep!

The continued response was because you went out for 45 mins so once he was properly awake you were not there so he felt it was pointless you woke him up early and he sat stewing.

So when he left for work he said he wouldn’t bother coming back? Wow that is nasty. I hope you get good news op. If you don’t, I worry that this man won’t be any support for you- if so, please concentrate on yourself not on trying to work out how to communicate with him and thinking if you can only find the right words he will be the partner you wanted him to be. That won’t be your job.

But she only left because he was a dick so that doesn’t make any sense!

So sorry to hear, the worry must be dreadful

And your husband is being a git!