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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

168 replies

Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 07:22

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

OP posts:
1982mommaof4 · 04/08/2022 08:48

OP sending hugs, I'm so sorry and yes your husband was being a prick.

Could he be reacting badly to the news? (No justification of his behaviour)

Scepticalwotsits · 04/08/2022 08:50

Don’t think anyone is being unreasonable more so two stressed and tired people snapping at each other as sometimes happens.

Sit down and talk it over when he is back and don’t let it fester is all I would say.

Pollydonia · 04/08/2022 08:50

OP how is he with you usually ? Is his behaviour this morning unusual or part of a pattern of behaviour?

StopGo · 04/08/2022 08:51

When my DH was waiting on the two week pathway for tests and then waiting on results he woke me at night if he was struggling. Personally I wouldn't have had it any other way.

The occasional fleeting annoyance did pass through my mind when I was very tired but I never resented him waking me or his wanting my support.

Hope all goes well for you op Flowers

KettrickenSmiled · 04/08/2022 08:51

Aprilx · 04/08/2022 07:45

OP, I know that you are worried, but the chances are in your favour and this is nothing serious. I think specifically waking him up was unnecessary, I don’t understand why you needed him awake for those fifteen minutes. So yes I think YAB a little bit U, but also he doesn’t need to go on and on about it.

What TF is wrong with you that you think a distraught woman shouldn't wake her supposedly loving & supportive husband a few minutes early, because she is in miserable suspense over an outcome she cannot control?

Do come back to us when YOU are the one waiting in suspense for a week for possibly awful news @Aprilx. But make sure you have an appointment - nobody will want to be interrupted on an impromtu basis just because you possibly have a terminal illness.

Shoxfordian · 04/08/2022 08:53

He doesn’t sound very supportive

Is he usually so unkind to you?

Proudofeveryone · 04/08/2022 08:53

For all those saying that you shouldn't have woken him up are cold hard bit*s.
Perhaps they haven't ever been through the worry of cancer or they aren't in a
good loving relationship.
OP you did nothing wrong your H is nasty and unfeeling.
When I had a wait for my cancer results my DH told me that if I was ever
needing to talk during the night wake him up as it's a scary time for me.

Good luck in getting the answers very soon.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:54

I wonder whether those of us bring dismissed as cold-hearted and cruel and horrible just deal with crises in a different way to others.

Personally I don't see the benefit in waking someone up early just so I can share my worries with them before they go to work. Other people clearly see the benefit of that.

That doesn't mean anyone is wrong, it's just people have different ways of dealing with things.

I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone woke me up to offload and then expected me to go off to work and do a full day while simultaneously worrying about their worries and upset.

Maybe that makes me selfish but equally I can turn round and say I find it selfish to be woken up when doing so doesn't make any practical difference to the problem.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:55

Proudofeveryone · 04/08/2022 08:53

For all those saying that you shouldn't have woken him up are cold hard bit*s.
Perhaps they haven't ever been through the worry of cancer or they aren't in a
good loving relationship.
OP you did nothing wrong your H is nasty and unfeeling.
When I had a wait for my cancer results my DH told me that if I was ever
needing to talk during the night wake him up as it's a scary time for me.

Good luck in getting the answers very soon.

I have been there.

Waking DH up in the night wouldn't have changed the outcome so I didn't do it. He still had to get up and go to work and I didn't want him doing that on no sleep.

HipsterCoffeeShop · 04/08/2022 08:55

Some of these responses are truly amazing.

If my DH was facing a possible cancer diagnosis and was worried I wouldn't be horrible to him if he woke me up early.

I can't believe some of the disgraceful excuses some of you are coming up with.

OP you did nothing wrong and I hope your DH is apologetic later

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:57

HipsterCoffeeShop · 04/08/2022 08:55

Some of these responses are truly amazing.

If my DH was facing a possible cancer diagnosis and was worried I wouldn't be horrible to him if he woke me up early.

I can't believe some of the disgraceful excuses some of you are coming up with.

OP you did nothing wrong and I hope your DH is apologetic later

Disgraceful or just people who deal with problems differently to you?

KettrickenSmiled · 04/08/2022 08:57

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:23

I’m so shocked that so many like you are putting the need for a full night’s sleep before your spouse’s need for emotional support!

But regardless of emotional support, people still need to get up and be fit to go out and work.

This isn’t someone mithering about something silly, she potentially is facing a cancer diagnosis and her mother had breast cancer at the same age.

I just don't see that someone up 15 minutes early is going to change anything.

I would face a sleep-deprived day at work any day over knowing I’d left my husband upset and alone

My husband wouldn't expect me to be sleep-deprived for him though. The DH having a shit nights' sleep won't change OP's situation, it will just make him grumpy and tired and miserable too.

I'm all for support but not at the expense of everything else that's going on in peoples lives.

This is lip service at its most superb @sunsetsandsandybeaches

"I'll support you, so long as it doesn't inconvenience ME in the slightest.
You want me to lose 15 minutes of sleep? No way - get over yourself, & suffer in silence please, my quarter hour of sleep is far more important than your crushing anxiety & night-fears."

hewouldwouldnthe · 04/08/2022 08:58

You were unreasonable to clean half the night and wake him early, so no wonder he had a shit nights sleep. However, he was horrible not to respond to your obvious distress.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:59

That's not what I said at all though is it @KettrickenSmiled Hmm

My question is why should someone's need for support outweigh someone else's need to go to work and have a decent night of sleep?

Support has to go both ways, no?

Pegasushaswings · 04/08/2022 08:59

Sounds to me as though he is also worried and channeling it in a terrible way but he’s still an idiot, let’s hope he sorts out his attitude by the time he gets back from work.

Tellmewhyaintnothinbutaheartbreak · 04/08/2022 09:00

I feel awful for you OP.

I really hope your are seen soon and it’s good news xx

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 09:00

I'm really sorry about the worry you're having and your sleepless nights.

(he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early)

But YABU. This is, for me, the absolute worst time for someone to wake me. Before my alarm goes off? and it is not an acute emergency? You'd been awake since 4 and up and cleaning - you could have waited until his alarm went off.

I hope you get an appointment and peace of mind soon.

NotMyDust · 04/08/2022 09:01

I would be tempted to pour icy water on his sleeping face early tomorrow morning

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/08/2022 09:01

expecting emotional intelligence and empathy and a chat from someone who has just been roused from deep sleep is unrealistic.

WinterMusings · 04/08/2022 09:02

Violettaa · 04/08/2022 07:25

I'm so sorry for your worry.

But I do think YABU. Sleep is important, and if he's had a bad might already (perhaps because he's heard you up?), I can see why he's not impressed.

Jesus.

it was 15 minutes, she scared & upset. You'd have to be a real cunt to behave like him & you're in agreement...

@Mightbeunwell I'm sending you best wishes for it not being cancer. I don't know what the current statistics are exactly, but it's a very very high percentage that aren't! Honestly.

A friend has just gone through Treatment for BC, she had Chemo every 3 weeks, the first time was bad as they didn't give her any anti sickness meds, but since then it's been ok. She had 3 weeks of daily radi. She feels a bit rough sometimes & aches, but not too bad. She had lymph nodes removed under her arm too. She's just gone to Poland to visit family & is going back to work part time in Sept when she gets back. She's had this year off as she does a very manual job, but says if she worked in an office she thinks she'd have only had the time off for appointments. McMillan were great helping her sort out wigs (she lost most of her hair, but it's already grown back thick & healthy) & she's had pip, which she'll get until 2024.

I know it's scary, but the chances of it being cancer are very low & the chances of recovery if it is are very high.

I hope your mum recovered from hers. Treatment has come on a long way since then!

As for your H, he's not doing very well with the 'in sickness' is he? You don't have to stay with him if he's such an unsupportive cunt. There no point in being in a relationship with someone who only thinks of themselves & is only interested in the good times.

Being alone is FAR better than being lonely in a marriage.

If you don't already have children with him, then don't. If YOU want children in the future ask the consultant about your options.

best wishes.

Original poster
Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 09:04

Badgirlriri · 04/08/2022 08:45

Why have you asked if you are being unreasonable if you don’t think you are?

Because his response this morning was so far removed from what I would consider reasonable and I’m also tired myself and not in a good place emotionally that I thought I would sense check it. After reading some of the responses for those in favour of my DH I accept that he had a right to be initially upset but they don’t really put a compelling argument across for his continued response towards me. So while I can accept that he had every right to be annoyed, I also agree with those that have stated they do not think iabu in that it isn’t unreasonable to expect my husband to support me and tbh I busied myself as long as I could before seeking that support.

Also those of you saying I must be the reason for his poor nights sleep maybe I am maybe it is the worry etc… but certainly not because I cleaned the bathroom, rest assured my DH would have came and asked me to stop if that was the case!

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 04/08/2022 09:05

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:59

That's not what I said at all though is it @KettrickenSmiled Hmm

My question is why should someone's need for support outweigh someone else's need to go to work and have a decent night of sleep?

Support has to go both ways, no?

He had a decent night's sleep @sunsetsandsandybeaches.
But he - like you - obviously begrudge losing 15 minutes sleep, & think it's more important than helping calm your spouse's understandable fear.

You have been writing as if OP is waking her H at 3am every morning & disrupting sleep to the point his work life is affected. That isn't happening, so stop with the hyperbolic statements.

LuaDipa · 04/08/2022 09:05

Can’t believe some of the responses on here.

I’m a deep sleeper and hate being woken up, but in this situation I would be devastated to think of my dh up alone all night worrying. Your dh has no compassion which doesn’t bode well if you find out you are ill. Unless he comes home with a grovelling apology I’d be looking to get rid.

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 09:10

Personally? I would have done my best in your DH's position to be sympathetic. But I'd still think you unreasonable. His bad night's sleep is neither here nor there - but i do know from personal experience that if i wake 15 minutes before alarm time because i need the loo, i will definitely get back in bed to try to have my remaining minutes.

People really cannot be responsible for not being a well of sympathy or a ray of sunshine on being awoken abruptly from their sleep. If they harp on about it for hours? deeply unpleasant and unreasonable, but first reaction and for about the first 30 minutes? not fun but understandable.

CallOnMe · 04/08/2022 09:10

YABU

There was literally no need to wake him early and it comes across as you were annoyed you couldn’t sleep so you felt he shouldn’t be sleeping too.
Which is very selfish.

What was the reason you wanted to wake him?
And why couldn’t it have waited until he actually woke up?