Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

[Mightbeunwell]

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

I've been trying to imagine what my DH would have done in similar circumstances and a hug and a cup of tea, a chat if I needed one and another hug would about cover it.

I could almost understand your DH's reaction on being woken up, but to still be carrying on like a pork chop hours later? What a knob.

I hope your appointment comes through quickly and that it turns out you have nothing to worry about.

Smell whatever you like, why should I give a toss if you prefer to call me a liar because I don't fit your dismissive & erroneous narrative?
Anyone who has managed a 40 year career on between 1 & 3 hours sleep a night knows that losing another 15 minutes to comfort someone you give a fuck about makes no huge odds to the next day.

As a PP put it upthread - anyone who gets up for a baby all night manages - somehow - to pull through.
I can't fathom how e.g. a working new mother is expected to crack on & not let the strain show at work, but heavens forfend a man loses a quarter hour of sleep because his wife is scared about a potentially life threatening illness ...

Just read your updates - glad you got an earlier appointment and your DH apologised.

still be carrying on like a pork chop
😂😂

@darlingdodo this is hilarious, thank you!

I’m another that thinks exactly like this.

It’s understandable that you’re going through a highly stressful situation but I also don’t get why you had to take him up? Whether 15mins earlier or 1.5hrs earlier, what exactly was he meant to do in that time that he couldn’t do once he woke up at 6?

It also seems as if you’re not willing to take on the YABU comments so not really sure why you posted

Oh for goodness sake! The absolute hysteria over being woken 15 minutes early really is absurd. Going on about REM sleep is totally irrelevant, his alarm would be just as likely to wake him at the wrong point in his sleep pattern as the OP was. She didn’t run into the bedroom screaming, he did not have “adrenaline pumping round” from his wife waking him. He was being grumpy and insensitive and that’s all there is to it

Once up at 6am he’d likely have to go about his morning routine and get to work. Would all of those saying she shouldn’t have woke him rather she stopped him as he was leaving the front door to head into the office? There’s never a “convenient” time to be upset or anxious or to want to talk about it.

I can't fathom how e.g. a working new mother is expected to crack on & not let the strain show at work, but heavens forfend a man loses a quarter hour of sleep because his wife is scared about a potentially life threatening illness ...

@KettrickenSmiled

A very sexist and contradictory statement - you can’t fathom how a new mother is not allowed to let the strain show yet you’re judging a man for letting the strain show because his wife potentially has a terminal illness?

I’m not sure you can compare a new mother with someone who has a terminal illness.

They both may have reduced sleep but the mental worry is that you carry around every day takes it’s toll more than having a new baby does.
Snapping due to worry and lack of sleep is not ok but it’s to be expected.

Would you feel the same if a new mother posted on here that her partner woke her up earlier?
Would you not expect her to snap because she’s so exhausted?

It also seems as if you’re not willing to take on the YABU comments so not really sure why you posted

Watch out OP - Head Girl @pedropony76 is going to give you a detention.
How very DARE you post on an anonymous forum, & who on earth do you think you are, waking a man who professes to love you 15 minutes early because you were worried sick?

You seem to be having comprehension difficulties @CallOnMe because your analogies don't stack up.

Yes, I'd expect a new mother to be snappy & irritable.
But as OP's H isn't one, I don't see why he gets a free pass for being a total dick to his wife over a quarter hour's loss of sleep.

The H hasn't had reduced sleep - OP specifically said so - & wasn't letting the strain show because his wife potentially has a terminal illness - he continued being an absolute twat an hour later, making OP's upset all about him & issuing pass-agg nastiness about "not bothering to come home".
That's not a man worrying about his wife - it's a man being totally dismissive of her.

However, you are clearly entrenched & obsessing about this world-shattering 15 minute sleep interruption, so I'll leave you to fulminate alone, as I'm bored with your illogic now.

Fair enough but what’s the point in waking someone up to tell them about your worries? I don’t really get that but each to their own

@KettrickenSmiled are you 15 years old lol?
Not sure why you’ve put words in my mouth but the board this has been posted on is AIBU. You’ll get some people saying yes and some people saying no. If you’re not willing to hear what people say when they think you’re being U then why post there? Doesn’t really make sense

@pedropony76
What’s the point of picking up the phone to tell someone your worries? What’s the point of bringing up your anxieties over a glass of wine in the evening? What’s the point of coming in from work and talking about the day’s stresses to your spouse?
For some, there is no point to any of that, they deal with emotions internally. For others, myself included, I lean on family for support and to talk things through. The OP interrupted her husband’s sleep while she tries to navigate some emotions and wanting his support. It’s fine if that’s something you wouldn’t do yourself, but it’s not unreasonable to do it. And to have your partner make comments about not coming home after work because of it is so beyond unreasonable I can’t believe it’s caused such a discussion

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel hurt by his behaviour and I do think he's out of order but I wonder if he's actually really stressed about the possibility of you being ill and doesn't know how to handle that.
If my partner was facing a potential cancer diagnosis I think I'd be all over the place emotionally but wouldn't want to show him so I may also not handle my emotions very well. Could that be why he's behaving like an arse?
It must be so worrying for you, I hope it all turns out to be a false alarm and you can go back to normal very quickly. 💐

I can only imagine the replies if OP had said after she’d done the cleaning and been up all night and finally fell asleep and then her DH had awoken her instead of waiting a few more minutes.

That would be a completely different situation though wouldn’t it. As my DH hadn’t been up all night but went to bed at 10:30 and to my knowledge while he claimed to have a poor nights sleep - was asleep the whole night.

To the comment about why did I post if I wasn’t going to take any of the iabu posts into account If you have read any of my other posts after reading some of the iabu views I quite quickly stated that I was able to see why his initial response to being woken was something I could now understand, but his continuance of it was not. Also it seems to me from both the posts and vote that the majority of people on this thread don’t think I was unreasonable so why would I change my viewpoint to agree iabu against the majority? That is in my mind nonsensical.

Furthermore as already said in a previous update my DH himself has agreed his actions were not ok and since apologised, and if there was still any doubt as to whether my cleaning antics kept him awake, he said he noticed I’d cleaned this morning after he got up when I specifically asked if he had heard me he said no and that I absolutely did not wake him doing so!

We have agreed to forgive and forget knowing we are both stressed about the situation and therefore BOTH doing things out of character and so we will move on.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you for so valiantly fighting my corner today 😊

No probs OP - this is AIBU, a few PP always pop up purely to play contrarian, never mind whether their so-called points make any sense or not.

Obviously you needed a good scolding for having the temerity to want your DH to wake up a whole 15 minutes ahead of his alarm clock, because that's a proportionate response to a woman waiting to learn if she has breast cancer FFS.