Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

[Mightbeunwell]

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

I'm SO glad you rang. Well done for advocating for yourself. And had you not rung and just waited, you wouldn't have got called back with that cancellation to be seen sooner! So pleased for you - the waiting is absolutely horrible. I really hope it all turns out OK. x

Seriously?
You'd rather your loved one suffered in silence than "sacrifice" 15 miniutes kip to give them comfort & company in the wee hours?

Here's some help for your "confusion" @CallOnMe -
Go & do some reading on fear, stress & anxiety.
Or maybe just a book for toddlers about understanding how other people's feelings are just as valid as your own.
Or have a look at most marriage vows - "in sickness & in health" ...

I'm terrible at being woken up - I'm totally horrible morning person. Everyone steers clear for at least 30mins.

You're really struggling with this aren't you @CallOnMe.

"I don't understand your anxiety, it should have been scheduled in for the night after you had the news, not a week later. Therefore it should not exist & you must not expect your own husband to offer you comfort when you are awake & terrified at night."

How do you scolding, "confused" PP function in everyday life? It must be hard to handle relationships when you have zero fucking empathy.

OP - Just wanted to add my twopence worth, I know I am a bit late to the party as it were but honestly I cannot get over some of the outrageous replies on here this morning. I enjoy my sleep and being woken up for some stupid reason would probably annoy me but when I see that my partner is distressed I would like to think that I would be there for them.

For the sake of 15 minutes sleep and needing a bit of TLC from your DH you did absolutely nothing wrong. This is the person that you should be able to turn to "in sickness and health etc..." and any other support you need. I hope whilst he is at work that he realises what an ass he has been and that he really let you down when you needed it.

I see you have now got your appointment sorted. Hope all goes well

Indeed.
Excellent suggestion @KettrickenSmiled

Great news you are being seen quickly.

OP I'm glad you are feeling less shaky now you've at last got conformation of your appointment. You already know this, but it bears repeating ... the vast, vast majority of lumps are benign, & nothing to worry about.

Hang on in there, & I hope your H eats humble pie tonight - he was outrageously callous & I hope this was a one-off & not a pattern from him.

I guess your husband is a bear, like mine. He's really grumpy when I wake him up. It was bit insensitive of him though. Fingers crossed for good outcome.

Some of these responses are insane. Her pottering would have “pissed me off no end”, oh Jesus sorry she’s fucking terrified she has a cancer scare and can’t bloody sleep. 15 minutes is nothing, if that had been me and DP he would have known I hadn’t slept and would have been comforting me once I’d woken him up. YANBU and your DH has behaved like a dick.

YADNBU! I know from experience how hard the wait is! I’m glad you now have an appointment and wish you well.

I would also recommend the MN cancer support thread, as there are others in the same position.

Update. I text him to let him know about the appointment and told him how I was feeling in as matter a fact non emotional/confrontational way as possible. He text back saying he was glad for the news regarding the appointment, and was sorry about being grumpy but from his perspective he had no idea why I’d woken him and he isn’t a mind reader - which I suppose is fair enough. He said he will call me later when work allows and that he loves me.

So maybe just two tired people not dealing with the situation very well. His behaviour was still not ok afterwards obviously but with the apology which seemed sincere it occurs to me it serves no purpose to spend energy remaining angry or upset about it when I may or may not have more serious things to worry about around the corner.

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments it has genuinely helped to get me through the morning.

Needing an hour to calm down because you missed out on literally minutes of sleep is self absorbed and frankly pathetic tbh.

Well at least i have the self awareness to know that i am grumpy when woken up and have advised people accordingly. As it happened when my DH had an accident on the way to the loo in the middle of the night, i was up and doing first aid and being very supportive despite it being the dead of night. I managed 3 DCs just fine too, despite being a grumpy waker.

so shrug whatever.

FMD

Your posts are getting more & more un fucking believable.

Do you really think the worry you might have cancer lessens as you wait to find out?

IF my partner was waiting for the news & couldn't sleep/was worried, I'd be devastated if he felt he couldn't wake me for a cuddle/shoulder to cry on/reassurance/discussing finances or whatever. I don't sleep well, I'm knackered as a permanent state, but he could wake me all night, every night & he'd get reassurance, as I would too.

@Mightbeunwell that's great, and maybe one day you can talk it through.
all the best for your treatment x

I think there's another version of this story

"DW woke me up, I've got a long day ahead of me and hadn't slept well because I'm worried sick about her. I admit I didn't react well in the moment, but then she stormed off out for a walk so I was woken for nothing..."

You're both worried OP, I hope things turn out well for you.

Really shocked at some of the responses here - do some of you expect to never put your spouses needs before yours in a difficult time?

OP I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But then I’m in a marriage where my husband encourages me to wake him up for a cuddle if I wake from a bad dream, rather than lie there on my own feeling unsettled. Can’t imagine not being able to wake him for comfort if I was seriously upset about something.

I could give him a little bit of leeway for his initial reaction to being woken up early, sleep is precious to me too and I hate being woken up HOWEVER (a purposefully big however) after he pulled himself together (which should be 5 minutes at most) he should have apologised and been there for you emotionally in such a scary time. These are the moments in life we have with our partners(or even friends & Family) that either solidify or start to tear down our bonds with that person. You won't forget that in years to come

imho I think you’re both in the wrong

people have sleep patterns, and you broke into his by waking him 15 mins early…only 15 mins but can be difference form REM sleep and non REM sleep. Being woken form non REM sleep isn’t nice…and when in that situation in my life it’s usually an emergency - I broke my toes once jumping out of bed in middle of night and I assume Deep NREM phase As my son fell out of cot (he was climber🤷🏼‍♀️) and when I kept out of bed as I was woken my legs collapsed under me- they were still in paralysis mode.

so unless there was an immediate emergency it was a bit Dickish. He was never going to be calm as adrenaline would have been pumping round.

but, once he realised what was going on, and had a quick swear/shout at you and got his head in gear..he should then have apologised to you for his shout/swear and been a bit more empathetic as to you worrying all night

I would also say, a lump does not mean cancer. If it is on your vulva it is most likely to be a Bartholins cyst . They just have to refer urgent to be on safe side. Please try to find a way of relaxing if you wake- listen to radio or podcast with headphones on, or even downstairs. Running around doing housework is not helping you to relax.

it’s likely that if you’re worrying and wake since 4am then your are going to feel even more emotional and fragile - not what you need right now.

you’ve both been dicks- apologise when you get back togther tonight and put it behind you.

Go & do some reading on fear, stress & anxiety.

@KettrickenSmiled Maybe you should do some reading about how this type of news doesn’t just affect the person it’s happening to.
Do you seriously think that her DH has had a week of peaceful sleep?

Sleep deprivation is not nice and unless you’ve had it you have no idea how difficult it is going to work every day on barely any sleep and having something like this on top to worry about is absolutely awful.

It sounds like you have no clue on what it’s like having to cope on very little sleep and be chirpy and put on a smile 24/7 when you’re exhausted and stressed.

I’m sure there are going to be times when OP snaps at her DH out of pure exhaustion and worry.
Hopefully though he will let her sleep if he can see she’s fast asleep and hasn’t had much sleep recently.

If it was the middle of the night then it’s different at least then they can try and go back to sleep but for the sake of 15mins I absolutely would have just waited considering OP had waited a long time anyway and knowing the person hasn’t slept well recently.
I would also say the same to DH if he wanted to wake OP up earlier knowing she’s not been sleeping properly.

I'm so sorry, I went through this last year and I think it was 3-4 weeks before my urgent appointment actually happened. It was a very worrying time, I didn't sleep well and wasn't functioning well at all with that on my mind.

I think he's being unreasonable, but hey, no more cups of tea being brought to him in the morning from now on until he apologises for being mean...

I’m glad you rang up OP. Thank Goddess a PP suggested it.

Fingers crossed everything goes well for you 💐

Honestly I can't imagine every waking my partner up because I was worried or upset. Surely if they are asleep, you just deal with it yourself or have a cry alone, let them wake up and get themselves a drink or whatever, and then you can talk to them

@CallOnMe you're addressing a lifelong insomniac who carried on working 13 hour days while being "chirpy" in a stressful career, & who has had 2 episodes of near-hospitalisation due to sleep deprivation, so nice try, but no cigar.

OP has already reported that her H sleeps deeply & soundly. So it's time to stop blowing 15 minutes less sleep than usual out of proportion.

I would be mortified if someone I loved chose to worry alone, rather than wake me for a hug & some comfort once in a blue moon.

you're addressing a lifelong insomniac who carried on working 13 hour days while being "chirpy" in a stressful career, & who has had 2 episodes of near-hospitalisation due to sleep deprivation, so nice try, but no cigar.

@KettrickenSmiled I smell BS.

Anyone who struggles with their sleep knows how important just 15mins is.