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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or was I out of order?

168 replies

Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 07:22

Name changed. So a week ago I went to the doctors and was told that they found a lump where no woman ever wants to be told they have a lump! Doctor has put through an urgent referral to have further investigation and I was told I would be seen within the two weeks. I still haven’t had appointment through and it’s been playing heavily on my mind. My mum had breast cancer at my age too so I can’t help but think worst case scenario.

Anyway my AIBU - I couldn’t sleep last night staring at the ceiling since 4 am so got up and busied myself - cleaned the bathroom etc… got to 5:45 so I went into my room and gently woke my husband up (he normally gets up for work at 6am so only 15 minutes early). He was nasty, very curt wish me, his exact words were ‘why have you woken me up, I’ve had a shit nights sleep’, this really upset me and I mumbled sorry and started to cry and left the room, there is no way he missed this. He made no attempt to ask if I was ok, he obviously knows that I’m waiting to find out if I have cancer etc… so I got dressed and went for a walk to get some fresh air. When I came back he was insistent that I was out of order for waking him up, did not seem to care I was upset at all. I ended up telling him he was a prick and to go to work early which he was only too happy to oblige.

so…

iabu - I shouldnt have woken him up 15 minutes early when he has to work.

ianbu - he should have been more understanding and realised that I needed some emotional support this morning.

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole thing then thank you. If you agree with my husband that’s ok but please be kind I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

OP posts:
Putonyourshoes · 04/08/2022 08:07

To echo what @Richenda has said, I also recall many times where my DH has woke up in the night for me and vice versa during times of illness/stress.
It doesn’t excuse his behaviour but something I hadn’t considered which has been mentioned by PPs is that he may well be worried too and is just handling things badly. That’s something he needs to work on though and still doesn’t make you unreasonable.
I hope you get a positive outcome and I hope your partner realises you deserve an apology and more support in future.

girlmom21 · 04/08/2022 08:08

I think YWNBU if you'd have woken him and said "I can't sleep because I'm really worried. Would you mind spending some time with me?"

But instead he asked why you woke him up and you just cried and left.

Just communicate.

Fingers crossed for a good result x

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2022 08:10

Leaving aside the cleaning, and waking him up - is he usually a dick when you need support? Or is this genuinely a one-off?

Putonyourshoes · 04/08/2022 08:10

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:04

aReally shocked at some of these responses. Of course YANBU. Are there really all these people on this site who think it’s ok to spit the dummy because you were woken 15 minutes early by your wife worried about possible cancer? Amazing.

It's not just 15 minutes though. She's been tossing and turning and then got up at 5.45am to clean the bathroom. That will have kept him awake and disturbed his sleep already.

I know I'm a grumpy sod in the morning if I've not had enough sleep and if someone wakes me up suddenly I'm not going to bound out of bed and be ready to comfort someone, regardless of the reason.

I honestly sympathise with OP but having two sleep-deprived adults heading off to work won't actually help anyone. I understand the need to talk and to have some comfort but there was really no need to wake him up at the crack of dawn.

I’m so shocked that so many like you are putting the need for a full night’s sleep before your spouse’s need for emotional support!
This isn’t someone mithering about something silly, she potentially is facing a cancer diagnosis and her mother had breast cancer at the same age.
I would face a sleep-deprived day at work any day over knowing I’d left my husband upset and alone

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 04/08/2022 08:18

It was 15 minutes and you were feeling scared and vulnerable. Under these circumstances I would prefer my dh to wake me than stress alone as we are a partnership. Similar situation, my dc suffered with their mental health during their exams, and I told them to wake me if they needed to during the night, rather than feel overwhelmed alone.

AirwaySupport · 04/08/2022 08:19

Why would he comment he's had a shit sleep, if all you did was wake him 15 mins early than normal.

LumpyandBumps · 04/08/2022 08:21

I think I have stumbled into some sort of parallel universe where ill or upset people are considered unreasonable.

OP is very understandably concerned, after hours of doing other things to keep occupied, she needed support. Who better to ask than her husband. The person who loves her and has committed to spend the rest of his life with her.

When my sister’s husband was in a similar situation they frequently had chats during the night. I like my sleep and I thought she was being very patient when he woke her at 4.30am to ask for a cup of tea. I mentioned this to my DH who said he would have happily done that for me.

I can sort of understand OP’s DH’s ‘early morning grump’ but his behaviour once fully awake was inexcusable.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:23

I’m so shocked that so many like you are putting the need for a full night’s sleep before your spouse’s need for emotional support!

But regardless of emotional support, people still need to get up and be fit to go out and work.

This isn’t someone mithering about something silly, she potentially is facing a cancer diagnosis and her mother had breast cancer at the same age.

I just don't see that someone up 15 minutes early is going to change anything.

I would face a sleep-deprived day at work any day over knowing I’d left my husband upset and alone

My husband wouldn't expect me to be sleep-deprived for him though. The DH having a shit nights' sleep won't change OP's situation, it will just make him grumpy and tired and miserable too.

I'm all for support but not at the expense of everything else that's going on in peoples lives.

Original poster
Mightbeunwell · 04/08/2022 08:23

I’ll accept people may not be the most understanding on being woken up initially and that his first response might have been uncensored, which is easily forgivable but to then ignore me when he could visibly see how upset I was?

I also went for a 45 minute walk to let things calm down and when I came back he was still just as awful about it no compassion whatsoever, even told me on leaving the house this morning that he ‘won’t bother coming back’ overly dramatic and I’m sure said in the moment and he no doubt will, but I can’t help feeling a little unsupported this morning.

Appreciate I seem to have split the mumsnet massive on this one but what can I say, I can assure you all that I do understand how important sleep is and I’m not normally insensitive to it, I can also see why he might be annoyed about it but its not a normal situation and on reflection it’s the way he treated me after that is most upsetting so I do think my feelings are valid on this one.

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:25

He's probably scared too and people react in different ways when they're frightened.

Whatsagirlsgottado · 04/08/2022 08:27

It's 15 mins people, not 1 hour!!

He's a jerk Op. I hope he apologises to you later. Big hugs. You must be on an emotional rollercoaster right now and he should be supporting you.

TibetanTerrah · 04/08/2022 08:30

But regardless of emotional support, people still need to get up and be fit to go out and work.

15 mins extra sleep is not going to make a difference to how rested you feel. If you've had a shit night's sleep, you're going to feel shit, but it sounds like DH slept soundly. OP would know, she was actually awake.

Putonyourshoes · 04/08/2022 08:31

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:23

I’m so shocked that so many like you are putting the need for a full night’s sleep before your spouse’s need for emotional support!

But regardless of emotional support, people still need to get up and be fit to go out and work.

This isn’t someone mithering about something silly, she potentially is facing a cancer diagnosis and her mother had breast cancer at the same age.

I just don't see that someone up 15 minutes early is going to change anything.

I would face a sleep-deprived day at work any day over knowing I’d left my husband upset and alone

My husband wouldn't expect me to be sleep-deprived for him though. The DH having a shit nights' sleep won't change OP's situation, it will just make him grumpy and tired and miserable too.

I'm all for support but not at the expense of everything else that's going on in peoples lives.

Her husband was not made unfit for work by being woken up early, you’re sounding as dramatic as he does.
That 15 minutes could have actually made the world of difference. Have you never had something bothering you and after talking about it, even though not resolved, it suddenly feels so much lighter as you’ve shared the load?

All for support but not at the expense of everything else that’s going on in peoples lives?! The exact expense to this husband was 15 minutes of lost sleep. 15 minutes less sleep and his wife with a cancer diagnosis looming over her could have felt much better today.

AnnieDav · 04/08/2022 08:34

Some of these responses are depressing. I wouldn’t give two hoots how tired I was if I knew my partner was awake and afraid.

OP, you are absolutely not unreasonable to wake your spouse for emotional
support at any time of night when you are awaiting investigations for a
cancer that your Mum had at your age.

Wishing you lots of luck for an all clear result.

TheSandgroper · 04/08/2022 08:34

Dh is wonderful in almost every way but wake him unexpectedly at your peril.

VashtaNerada · 04/08/2022 08:38

YANBU but very tired people - especially if woken from a deep sleep - aren’t necessarily thinking straight. I know there have been times at work when that last 15 minutes sleep has meant the world to me. Hopefully tonight you can have a proper talk about it. Maybe start with an apology but then explain just how worried you are and how much you need his support. Your worries are completely understandable but hopefully it’s nothing to worry about. I have so many friends who found a lump that either turned out to be nothing or had a very simple operation without complications to remove it.

quietnightmare · 04/08/2022 08:39

Stay strong OP. Course you are not being unreasonable. Christ I have woken my husband up countless times in the middle of the night over the years for all sorts of trivial (seemed important at the time) things. You needed support, you did nothing wrong and I'm sure if it was the other way around you would of been supportive. Try not to worry yourself, you don't need the stress. Today calls for a treat for yourself and also maybe even a takeaway for you BOTH tonight. I hope you are ok OP

misskatamari · 04/08/2022 08:42

He's being an absolute dick! Believe me I am the grumpiest cow when I get woken up, I hate it and would probably react like you husband at first. That's not the issue. Like you say, first reaction, it's natural to be a mardy arse when you're tired and woken earlier.

However - everything else? No. Just no. You don't treat you upset partner the way he has chosen to this morning! Especially when he has had time to calm down and reflect and realise why you may have woken him and why you're feeling emotional and upset. Instead of having any empathy or compassion he has stewed in his own vitriol and treated you appallingly!

You have not been unreasonable, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this immature selfish bullshit on top of your very real health concerns. I hope you get your appointment soon and that you're okay ❤️

Weatherwax13 · 04/08/2022 08:43

He's a git. You're worried sick and he's had a go at you? I don't care if he's knackered.
This counts as exceptional circumstances. The correct response would've been a hug. No matter how tired he is.
I'm sure your worries will turn out to be unfounded OP but it's completely understandable that you're in a right old state. And that's when a partner should step up.
I can't fathom pp's making excuses for him.
Very best of luck and I hope you have good news v soon.

dizzydizzydizzy · 04/08/2022 08:45

misskatamari · 04/08/2022 08:42

He's being an absolute dick! Believe me I am the grumpiest cow when I get woken up, I hate it and would probably react like you husband at first. That's not the issue. Like you say, first reaction, it's natural to be a mardy arse when you're tired and woken earlier.

However - everything else? No. Just no. You don't treat you upset partner the way he has chosen to this morning! Especially when he has had time to calm down and reflect and realise why you may have woken him and why you're feeling emotional and upset. Instead of having any empathy or compassion he has stewed in his own vitriol and treated you appallingly!

You have not been unreasonable, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this immature selfish bullshit on top of your very real health concerns. I hope you get your appointment soon and that you're okay ❤️

This .

Somebody cleaning wouldn't wake me
Up unless they were vacuuming outside my door.

Badgirlriri · 04/08/2022 08:45

Why have you asked if you are being unreasonable if you don’t think you are?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 08:46

Her husband was not made unfit for work by being woken up early, you’re sounding as dramatic as he does.

I didn't say he was. I said he still needs to be fit for work regardless of everything else that's happening.

That 15 minutes could have actually made the world of difference. Have you never had something bothering you and after talking about it, even though not resolved, it suddenly feels so much lighter as you’ve shared the load?

Yes, but I wouldn't wake someone up early to share my load either, and I've been in the position of waiting for a potential cancer diagnosis. OP could have waited fifteen minutes and spoke to him over coffee or breakfast instead.

All for support but not at the expense of everything else that’s going on in peoples lives?! The exact expense to this husband was 15 minutes of lost sleep. 15 minutes less sleep and his wife with a cancer diagnosis looming over her could have felt much better today.

But equally you don't get to dictate when someone wakes up just so you get support. OP could have spoken to him over breakfast or the night before.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/08/2022 08:46

Violettaa · 04/08/2022 07:25

I'm so sorry for your worry.

But I do think YABU. Sleep is important, and if he's had a bad might already (perhaps because he's heard you up?), I can see why he's not impressed.

WTF?

15 minutes sleep is more important than waiting in agonising tension for a possible cancer diagnosis?

Are you this cold-hearted & dismissive in real life @Violettaa?

1982mommaof4 · 04/08/2022 08:47

Violettaa · 04/08/2022 07:25

I'm so sorry for your worry.

But I do think YABU. Sleep is important, and if he's had a bad might already (perhaps because he's heard you up?), I can see why he's not impressed.

Wow

Funkyslippers · 04/08/2022 08:48

KangarooKenny the housework has nothing to do with it. That didn't wake him up. If someone in my house wants to do the housework in my house at 5am I'd let them carry on!

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