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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do I do ?

151 replies

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 01:47

Asking for advice am lying awake thinking about things
Used to have a really good relationship with my daughter
But not now
I don't want to make things worse she's got a list of things that have upset her
Should i keep trying or leave things be
I have anxiety so sometimes find it hard too see what's for the best

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2022 01:52

Sorry, op, but a lot more information is needed. How old is your daughter and what are the issues?

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 01:52

I guess am asking how do u let someone know you care with out overstepping and making things worse
Or do u think they know I care and it's best just to leave it there

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/08/2022 01:56

Is there a common theme to the list? You need to address her upset and try to do things differently going forward.

Zuyi · 03/08/2022 02:01

Of course, keep trying. Unless "please stop trying!" is one of the things on her list.

Her giving you a list means she wants the relationship to get better too. Otherwise she wouldn't bother.

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:01

It's complicated
I don't have a great relationship with my own mum
Maybe it just happens

OP posts:
Zuyi · 03/08/2022 02:02

Maybe ask her opinion about what would be best?

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2022 02:04

It doesn't just happen. If you've got cause to apologise, then do so. Do you have a habit of turning things back to you when it should be your DD that you are focused on?

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:05

She's not speaking to me
So that's difficult
Maybe in the future things will be better

OP posts:
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:10

Thanks for the reply's yes possibly i do
That's why am asking for opinions

OP posts:
Musti · 03/08/2022 02:43

How old is she and what are the problems?

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:45

My daughters in her 20s

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 02:45

Sorry but you sound like my mum.

We don't talk anymore because she did something very upsetting on top of her and my dad's iffy to abusive parenting technique.

I have tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to acknowledge her part or apologise and instead keeps saying things like "what do you want me to do? I've apologised already!" and turning it back onto herself in an attempt to guilt trip me. She most recently pretended to have forgotten what happened, so in her mind it's like if she says she can't remember it, it didn't happen and I should just let it go and move on. It did happen, she does remember it.

I also have had to put up with a few flying monkeys who've been given her story, stripped of facts and showing her in the best light, come to give me the second hand guilt trip.

I now have completely cut off contact and have blocked her. I don't want to know and have made that clear, yet she still sticks herself into my life about once a year. It just gives me that awful stomach through the floor feeling every time she does it and makes me sad all over again about everything.

Why won't you answer the questions asked by the PPs? If you can't give further detail no one can help you.

Like someone above said, if you have done something wrong and especially if she has communicated that to you, you need to do something about it.

Face it head on instead of wrapping yourself in a buffer of faux sadness, guilt and impressive forgetfulness that you then dump on your DDs doorstep - if you're anything like my mum that is. Give a proper and heartfelt apology and really take on board what she is saying or has said to you.

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:48

We fell out on a holiday
She didn't want to come
The holiday was a disaster
It's more complicated than that but that's the gist of it.

OP posts:
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:50

I don't have a good relationship with my mum either so I do understand
My question was more of a should I leave it or try to talk to her

OP posts:
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:53

Thanks mightbemaybe
Yes that's what I think she would probs rather not hear from me

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 02:57

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:50

I don't have a good relationship with my mum either so I do understand
My question was more of a should I leave it or try to talk to her

And like we've all already said, no one can really give you an answer to that unless you give us more information.

If we said yes you should never give up but you were a terribly abusive parent that would be awful wouldn't it.

If we said ah just give it up as a bad job when it was just a miscommunication that escalated that would be bad too wouldn't it.

Why don't you explain what is wrong in your relationship with your DD and explain what happened during the holiday and we may be able to give better advice.

Your relationship with your mum might or might not have something to do with it, right now it's about your DD though isn't it?

Again, I'm getting echoes of my mum from you because of your bringing it back to your relationship with your mum twice on a thread about your daughter - makes me feel like you want to talk about you, which is fine! But less fine under the guise of faux concern over your DD. And also because of your reluctance to give any information, it's a bit blood from a stone which with my mum means she's hiding something.

I'm not sure if I'm doing you an injustice or not because you aren't giving much to work with.

MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 02:57

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:53

Thanks mightbemaybe
Yes that's what I think she would probs rather not hear from me

Has she actually said that to you?

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:01

Mightbemaybe
I brought up my own relationship with my mum to be honest and make the point that I know what it's like and how difficult it can be
I love my daughter very much and until reasonably recently we had a good relationship
That's all been turned upside down and I feel completely shut out of her life
Which I respect her feelings
But I love my daughter

OP posts:
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:04

I feel confused too
But I don't want to make things worse
And no it's not about me I know that's why I've tried to leave it
I appreciate your reply's

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 03:05

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 02:48

We fell out on a holiday
She didn't want to come
The holiday was a disaster
It's more complicated than that but that's the gist of it.

If she didn't want to go, why was she there?

MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 03:06

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:01

Mightbemaybe
I brought up my own relationship with my mum to be honest and make the point that I know what it's like and how difficult it can be
I love my daughter very much and until reasonably recently we had a good relationship
That's all been turned upside down and I feel completely shut out of her life
Which I respect her feelings
But I love my daughter

Ok I don't doubt you love your DD. Lets forget your mum for a moment though.

So what happened in the run up to the holiday and what happened with the falling out?

No offence intended but FWIW my mum would say she loves me and that we had a good relationship up to our falling out too. In truth I'm sure she does love me in her own way but our relationship has never been all that great from my perspective, although we both have tried to make it better at various times I think.

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:10

Mrs terry
She came in holiday for us

OP posts:
Blizzardbeach · 03/08/2022 03:14

What are the list of problems?
That's really where the difference in what you should do is.

However, as someone who hasn't spoken to my mother in years, this is something that I think would provide some healing, and would possibly be the only thing that would make a relationship with her ever something I'd reconsider.

" Dear DD,
I appreciate that there's been some distance between us for quite some time, I know that there are ways that you have felt let down by me as your mother. I am sorry for that, I wish that over the course of your life I had known how to show you the love that you needed. Anything that I have done that could make you question my complete love and adoration of you is regrettable because if there's ever anyone who should have made you feel completely loved and supported, that should have been me as your mother, but please know, I used the only tools that I had available at the time.

I know what it's like to feel that your relationship with your mum isn't good, and I am so sorry that we are here.
I want you to know, if you do ever want to have me in your life, in any way, shape or form, I would really like to work on our relationship.
I understand if you choose to not have me in your life, because sometimes there are situations that cannot be forgiven, but I really hope that one day it feels like you can accept me into your life again.
Love,
Mum"

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:16

Mightbe maybe
My daughter didn't want to come she came for us
The holiday was abroad I'm agoraphobic
My other children arranged the holiday
I said yes tho I didn't want to go
I drank too much to cope with the anxiety it was a complete disaster

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 03:21

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:16

Mightbe maybe
My daughter didn't want to come she came for us
The holiday was abroad I'm agoraphobic
My other children arranged the holiday
I said yes tho I didn't want to go
I drank too much to cope with the anxiety it was a complete disaster

@Blizzardbeach If I received that from my mum I'd be really angry and upset, from her words like that would be the equivalent of a generic half apology for any supposed harm she may, possibly at a stretch, have caused. Totally invalidating and not addressing anything I personally had brought up. Like a specific incident or type of recurring thing that happened while I was a child.

It might go over better with some people though.

@Moominmammashouse Who is us in the "she came for us"? What happened when you got drunk? Were you abusive?