Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do ?

151 replies

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 01:47

Asking for advice am lying awake thinking about things
Used to have a really good relationship with my daughter
But not now
I don't want to make things worse she's got a list of things that have upset her
Should i keep trying or leave things be
I have anxiety so sometimes find it hard too see what's for the best

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:45

I'm not saying it's wrong that I have t seen my daughter for 2 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:45

I don't expect to see my daughter every day or week I also don't expect her to visit and take me out on a trip somewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:49

I simply brought up the agoraphobia when talking about the holiday
Otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it

OP posts:
FreudayNight · 03/08/2022 09:54

I drank on the plane and felt un supported

what does this mean?
What does unsupported actually look like in this scenario. What actions could they have taken that would have ensured you felt supported?

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:56

I simply miss my daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:58

Because I felt so anxious about the holiday and the flight
We arrived late the whole thing was such a stress and I felt like you all know how hard this is for me just help me with this

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 03/08/2022 09:59

How do you see this resolving? What would a good outcome look like?

cameocat · 03/08/2022 10:05

Yes and you have asked how you can fix it but are unwilling to acknowledge or answer any questions which is probably one of the reasons why she doesn't want to see you. This a tually isnt about you, it is about your daughter snd how your actions make HER feel. @ManateeFair had it spot on.

user3346315 · 03/08/2022 10:06

ManateeFair · 03/08/2022 09:29

You say you saw your daughter two weeks ago. That’s normal. She’s an adult; she doesn’t have to see you every day or every week.

If your agoraphobia means you can’t really go anywhere, presumably she always has to come to you, so the onus is on her every time and perhaps it gets a bit much for her.

The holiday example is clearly not the only thing that has bothered your daughter. Your whole communication style in this thread is quite draining, and if that’s indicative of your usual way of expressing yourself I imagine that might be quite hard for others sometimes. It seems to go:

  1. There is something wrong that is upsetting but you refuse to explain properly what it is, and you then make people work and work and work for ages to find out what it is.
  2. When you finally explain the bare bones of the issue, people offer an opinion and you say they’ve got it wrong and it wasn’t like that, but you also won’t actually answer any of the questions people ask you about it, even though they are actually trying to help you.
  3. You then get upset and defensive and steer the subject on to your illnesses and how hard things are for you.
  4. The main focus is you and your feelings and how much you love your daughter and how upsetting it is for you, which then makes it hard for anyone to point out their side of the story without looking like the villain.

Clearly you do love your daughter very much and I’m sure she loves you too, but I suspect you are perhaps quite needy emotionally and that it’s easy to upset you. You obviously need a lot of support and reassurance and that’s partly down to your mental health struggles - that obviously does make your life very hard, and I sympathise. But I think perhaps that can be quite exhausting for people close to you.

We still haven’t really had an explanation for why your adult daughter ended up coming on a holiday that she didn’t want to be part of in the first place and I strongly suspect that she knew it would be a disaster but ended up finally giving in after much emotional manipulation that made her feel guilty. Then it was, as she knew it would be, a disaster. I suspect this is very much a pattern she has seen recurring all her life and that, while she loves you, she feels that she needs some space for the sake of her own mental health because she is emotionally exhausted by all this.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Carryonmarion · 03/08/2022 10:18

Apologise, tell her you will get professional support for your drinking and MH issues and that it is your responsibility to sort this and no one else's, tell her that you love her and care about her, apologise again. Then leave it, give her some space, get the professional support you need, wait for her to contact you.

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 10:20

My husband picks my daughter up and brings her here
Yes it really probably is a chore for her to visit
I posted this post about my relationship with my daughter so it's about both of us
I don't think getting into a she said I said is necessarily helpful
Thanks for the posts it's made me realise how awful it must have been for my children and my husband putting up with my anxiety

OP posts:
FreudayNight · 03/08/2022 11:18

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:58

Because I felt so anxious about the holiday and the flight
We arrived late the whole thing was such a stress and I felt like you all know how hard this is for me just help me with this

Just help you how, though?

what specifically did you want someone to do for you?

FreudayNight · 03/08/2022 11:19

OP, after this thread, are there any actions you are prepared to take that might help the situation.

carefullycourageous · 03/08/2022 12:25

orbitalcrisis · 03/08/2022 06:59

@carefullycourageous But not educated on how to use a mouse apparently! But people choose to self medicate, they don't HAVE to do it, they may feel they have to do it, but it must be very frustrating for her family to hear that she HAD to drink and they knew that. If she wants to make amends, she needs to start by getting proper help and admitting where she went wrong.

Sorry, I think you're wrong, mental health and self-medication is complex and not like me choosing what clothes to wear in the morning.

orbitalcrisis · 03/08/2022 12:44

@carefullycourageous Of course it isn't, that's a ridiculous comparison! Would you be frustrated if someone close to you had got drunk and caused upset then excused it saying not only that they HAD to do it, but that you know they HAD to? They clearly didn't or they wouldn't have been so upset about it. Intentional or not, that would have come across as her blaming them. The words we use can have just as much of an effect as our actions.

FreudayNight · 03/08/2022 13:33

orbitalcrisis · 03/08/2022 12:44

@carefullycourageous Of course it isn't, that's a ridiculous comparison! Would you be frustrated if someone close to you had got drunk and caused upset then excused it saying not only that they HAD to do it, but that you know they HAD to? They clearly didn't or they wouldn't have been so upset about it. Intentional or not, that would have come across as her blaming them. The words we use can have just as much of an effect as our actions.

Isn’t amazing how all the bad behaviour is The Illness and the recovery is all the Hero.

It is very frustrating to be around a convenient switching of can’t and won’t

MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 15:24

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 09:58

Because I felt so anxious about the holiday and the flight
We arrived late the whole thing was such a stress and I felt like you all know how hard this is for me just help me with this

just help me with this

What you fail to recognise is that we are trying to help you. Sincerely.

Asking for more information is not for our own titillation, it's so we can better advise you.

You do know that but you are still resistant. No skin off our noses if you don't want to take the help you are pleading for.

What you really want is for us to say, you're great, your DD is unreasonable and not to fret coz it'll all blow over... unfortunately that wouldn't be true.

We still don't know even vaguely what your DD says she's upset with you for.

You want us to "just help you with this", we want to! "Just" start listening and taking things properly on board.

kateandme · 04/08/2022 05:34

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 10:20

My husband picks my daughter up and brings her here
Yes it really probably is a chore for her to visit
I posted this post about my relationship with my daughter so it's about both of us
I don't think getting into a she said I said is necessarily helpful
Thanks for the posts it's made me realise how awful it must have been for my children and my husband putting up with my anxiety

Stop piling guilt upon yourself.would you do that with cancer,heart problems or any other d2vastating Illness.you are ill op.very I'll.and it's awful for all involved.but only awful because love is involved and people do t want to see those they love in pain.
And of course it can be tough.the manipulation of these mental illness are horrible.they make you act and do and say and feel things no-one would want to feel.
But it's not your fault.
And choosing better or therapy or doing different ISN'T always possible and that a very real part of the illness!
So don't turn it onwards and shame yourself.that will make all your symptoms worse.
Could you get in touch with it dd.mentuoned preuusy a handmade card?

FreudayNight · 04/08/2022 08:58

I know this is pop psychology but I would love to know OP’s response to it.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-neurochemical-self/201910/personal-responsibility-and-mental-health

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 04/08/2022 09:12

Urgh no the just help me was in regards to how I felt without help from my family at the airport during flights and holiday
Not from mumsnet

OP posts:
FreudayNight · 04/08/2022 09:21

what was the help supposed to entail? What did you want someone to do?

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 15:23

Moominmammashouse · 04/08/2022 09:12

Urgh no the just help me was in regards to how I felt without help from my family at the airport during flights and holiday
Not from mumsnet

I'm sorry about that, I got the wrong end of the stick there.

kateandme · 05/08/2022 05:00

FreudayNight · 04/08/2022 09:21

what was the help supposed to entail? What did you want someone to do?

Love her,support her,make it easier for her if they could.you know,like with any other illness.and how families no the limits illness can put on a sufferer and therefore want to make it better.

MightbeMaybe · 05/08/2022 05:21

kateandme · 05/08/2022 05:00

Love her,support her,make it easier for her if they could.you know,like with any other illness.and how families no the limits illness can put on a sufferer and therefore want to make it better.

Show quote history

I'm taking it as a given that her family love her Hmm

If support is what the OP wanted, how did she want that support to take form, and how did her families actions and words differ from that support?

How would she have liked them to have made it easier for her and did they not do any of these things?

I think you've assumed they haven't loved, supported and made the holiday as easy as they could for the OP. It sounds from what little she has said that they do this normally so it would seem strange for them to not continue on holiday to me.

What happened on the holiday and what has OPs DD said to her?

It's all unknown because the OP has been so cagey with the details.

MightbeMaybe · 05/08/2022 05:28

I'm not even sure the OP will be back tbh.