What do I do ?

[Moominmammashouse]

Asking for advice am lying awake thinking about things
Used to have a really good relationship with my daughter
But not now
I don't want to make things worse she's got a list of things that have upset her
Should i keep trying or leave things be
I have anxiety so sometimes find it hard too see what's for the best

No simply true

Also I haven't seen my daughter for 2 weeks
Not months or years

Nope, it was a passive aggressive act in order to side step a question.

Thank you for all the helpful messages

I'm going to preface this with, I have a shitty relationship with my Mum (and Dad for the record) because of the way I was raised.

I definitely think this is fixable but in my mind it starts with you reaching out for help and grabbing on to any help that comes with everything that you have to give and more.

I feel that you were pushed into this situation unfairly and I think your daughter even more so.

Reach out to your daughter, perhaps a letter in a beautiful card? and both apologise and thank your daughter for what she has been though/goes through because of you and share your plan to seek real help.

Life doesn't have to be like this for all of you, although there is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be extremely difficult for and that there will be plenty of setbacks along the way I also hope that it brings you a much brighter future.

From your daughter’s perspective…

I am 30. My Mum has has severe anxiety since I was born. My memories stretch from as a child, her calling my grandparents to rush me to school as she couldn’t face it, to as an adult, her agreeing to trips etc, for every one to be ruining by her “feeling ill”- we once went all the way to Manchester from the South West for a gig had to stop in every.single. service station, it took about 12 hours.

Now I understand it’s a health issue. My Mum takes medication but for me and my brother, this has been our whole lives. Anything worth looking forward to as a family and Mum will suddenly become “ill”. At least it’s just so so so disappointing. At most, I simply don’t understand why she won’t get it actually treated. She’s taken the same medication for 30 years… why not have it reviewed or try counselling?! Her and my Dad’s passive acceptance of “that’s just the way she is” os so infuriating!!!

It’s very sad because it’s entirely changed who she is, it’s curtailed my Dad’s life (very adventurous) and it curtails our family time. And no one will acknowledge that, their expectation of us is that we smile along and pretend it’s normal to make Mum feel better. That’s for us what makes the relationship difficult. It impacts others too, I’m willing to make allowances for your condition but the culture of silence around it and the expectation that we join in with normalising it, just feels hugely unhealthy for us. My brother has stepped away as a result, I pick and chose when to engage, much less frequently than I otherwise would! It’s not the anxiety, it’s the refusal for treatment and expecting us to play along!

maybe your situation is different, but I thought this perspective may help.

User
Sorry to hear that it must be so difficult to live with
The only one thing I can say in my defence is I'm not the one to arrange things and like with the holiday it's urgh mum you have to
If I say no
I imagine it's been really difficult for the family but I am getting help

Stopping
Thanks for a kind message

Self-education with alcohol for serious mental health problems is well known, have you never met anyone or read about anyone with these type of issues?

Your family are making things worse by making you do things you can't currently do due to mental ill health.

I feel you need to stop agreeing to do things that make you feel worse, it isn't working.

I would send you DD a card saying you love her and you are seeking help for your underlying issues.

Just reread my earlier post, self-education should be self-medication (I think obviously)!

It all sounds so tough.your illness is not your fault.and it's hard for all involved.dont add guilt about them onto your shoulders.that will just perpetuate and createcircles of shame which exacerbate and keep you locked in this illness.
Are you getting help.
A holiday for someone suffer g from anxiety or agoraphobia is f* rediculous.like putting a drinker to work in a bloody wine bar.or telling someone receiving chemo to go run 10k on the leg with the tumour in it.
I no it's so hard for families to watch and live with.but so are other illness.can we stop please adding such distaste when we talk about that strain to do with mental illness! You wouldn't call put op traumas or behaviours with the vile slant people are if this was cancer making her behave this way or present with these symptoms.
Any illness is shit.for all involved.non are choices.and sometimes there might be things you think folk suffering can or should do to help themselves but their illness actually makes it impossible.especually in mental health.the illness is actively seeking to destroy the sufferer.

Ok could you write your daughter a note.do u draw or can craft.make a really efforted card. Just to say/ remind her that you love her with all your heart.thst you understand how fucking shit this illness is for her.and holiday must have been really tough for her when your illness took over. Maybe explain how it just smothered you,and you will never stop trying to overcome your illness so you came.but it took over and drowned all the joy as it usual does. But you'd never ever wish to hurt her.and never want it to take her joy.
And that your love for her is the one thing it won't take.ever.but you do do do understand how it ruins so much.because it's a fucker and u hate it too!

I would explore your relationship with your daughter in counselling. You can get telephone counselling. Once you have worked on yourself the relationship is likely to improve.

@@carefullycourageous I am aware of what self medication is, I'm self educated on that

It just seemed a really naive question, seems even weirder if you do understand.

Is hardly shock news that people with serious problems feel they have to drink.

OP it is like getting blood from a stone here.

what also obvious is that you are really struggling with taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

1. Are you actively seeking treatment for your anxiety conditions?
2. you chose to drink, and are responsible for whatever embarrassment you created.
3. when you say “it was a disaster” the reality is actually that your actions led to it.
4. blaming her for the breakdown in those circumstances is reprehensible, and if it was just another example of running away from responsibility I wouldn’t talk to you either.
5. You say you love her, but actually if you love someone you don’t treat them like shit.
6. I recognise that this is my responsibility to fix.
7. I recognize the negative impact this has had on you. (Read up in what it is like to have an anxious parent)
8. I am fully committed to being treated for anxiety.
9. I am practicing putting myself in new and I comfortable situations.
10. I will never drink again.
11. I am sorry that I …list the things that you did when you were being a disaster.
12. Don’t say you didn’t mean it if you said horrible things to her/about her. That will be a lie.

@carefullycourageous But not educated on how to use a mouse apparently! But people choose to self medicate, they don't HAVE to do it, they may feel they have to do it, but it must be very frustrating for her family to hear that she HAD to drink and they knew that. If she wants to make amends, she needs to start by getting proper help and admitting where she went wrong.

I have admitted what I did wrong
I am getting help
Yes I did drink to cope with the anxiety
No I don't blame my daughter
I blame myself
What else can I say

The list you've put up are all symptoms of a very destructive horrific to suffer with illness.and NO there isn't often a "choise" to it.this is what the illness makes her go through,behave like.just like a physical
illness.
She doesn't need added guilt and judgement.
It's hard for the family.mental illness is very cruel and hard to understand because it actively try I goto break the patient and in do.i g do the family see it.
But it's never the sufferers fault and ads much as you can go on about her being able to stop their is often NO choice.no other way of acting because they are in controlled by an illness.it is directing and abusing and forcing there brains to destruction.

Keep going up.dont give up.

you went along with it though.

you weren’t willing to acknowledge reality and say “Guys, I have a severe illness and this is not the right course of action for me to be taking at the moment. I don’t want to spoil your holiday, have a great time.”

The situation you have put yourself in is that you have left a serious illness untreated, and ruined your relationship with your kids because of it.

Would inviting her round for a meal or tea and cake be manageable in your current stage of ill health.wht feels managble to do if anything.

@carefullycourageous Repeating somebody's words back to them in an attempt to get them to think about them and the deeper meaning behind them is not naivety. OP's words must be very hurtful for her daughter and I don't see why it's a problem to highlight them.

Or she loves her family so much she as willing to try anything even at a cost to her to make herself go.with all the will she could muster.but sadly she is too ill and it didn't work out.but at least she bloody tried that takes guts and shows how much she loves then to try and do the impossible.

Good luck OP. You're in a huge amount of pain. I'm guessing there will be a strong link to how your mother was around you, and in turn her own parenting by your grandmother. There's something called generational trauma.

I agree with previous posters about a note to DD, keeping the door open but not pushing yourself through it. Then find a great counsellor - a really good one - and work on yourself for 2 years. Your DD will hear through family that you're actively trying. Do not bad mouth her to anyone - always look for what you are responsible for when talking about her eg "I let her down badly as her mother and I understand that she prefers not to have contact with me at this point" rather than "I don't know why she's being so cruel to me by not talking to me".

It takes a mountain of work but it will be so worth it. Imagine her feelings if you're able finally to walk to her house and tell her you love her and that you feel regret and shame for the many errors in how she was mothered and can she forgive you. Good luck.