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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do ?

151 replies

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 01:47

Asking for advice am lying awake thinking about things
Used to have a really good relationship with my daughter
But not now
I don't want to make things worse she's got a list of things that have upset her
Should i keep trying or leave things be
I have anxiety so sometimes find it hard too see what's for the best

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:21

Until the holiday I thought we had a good relationship
I mucked up
But maybe to be fair we didn't have a good relationship before
I don't know
Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:24

Maybe she came for myself my husband my mum and her siblings
She left her partner at home
I drank on the plane and felt un supported
I was a misery

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 03:29

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:24

Maybe she came for myself my husband my mum and her siblings
She left her partner at home
I drank on the plane and felt un supported
I was a misery

Have your MH issues been a feature of her life? Is she expected to be the 'carer' in the family a lot?

Because it sounds like she was forced to go on holiday to support you, and you drank too much and were really unpleasant to her.

In that case, my advice is that parents care for children, not the other way around. Get real help and sort out your anxiety and agoraphobia and treat her as your daughter.

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:31

Mrs terry
Yes your right thank you

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 03:31

Sorry I'm out, this thread is giving me itchy brain because you won't give any details.

No one can really advise you unless you tell them what happened properly. The way you are responding makes you look like you have something to hide and are in the wrong. It's perfectly possible that you don't and you aren't but it sure looks like it from my perspective - super aware I'm biased because of my own experiences with my parents though.

If your DD has actually used her words to tell you to stay away, respect her wishes.

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:34

I did explain what happened

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 03:35

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:31

Mrs terry
Yes your right thank you

Incidentally, why did you go on holiday if you didn't want to? Surely anyone who wanted could go, and anyone who didn't could stay...

linslime · 03/08/2022 03:35

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:34

I did explain what happened

You definitely didn’t

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:38

Mrs terry
I went because my children wanted me to go
I didn't feel able to fly
I haven't left the house on my own for years
I can go out if I'm with my husband or daughter and that's only locally
I wanted to please them

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 03:40

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:34

I did explain what happened

Not really you didn't, you said "I was a misery" which can mean a whole host of things ranging from the totally forgivable to completely unforgivable.

I'm honestly not meaning to be offensive, I am told I'm a bit blunt and I don't want to upset you but do you drink regularly and are you drinking now? Has alcohol abuse on your part or on that of your H or DM featured as part of the problem for your DD?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 03:41

You definitely didn’t

OP struggles with MH. She has a strained relationship with her own mother. Her other DC arranged a holiday abroad. I assume OP didn't want to say no (possibly because she's a bit unable to to) and went, asking DD to come to support her. DD didn't want to come, came to support her mum, leaving her partner at home. OP then drank on the plane, possibly saying things about DD's support, acted like a dick. OP's DM was on the holiday, probably increasing the stress.

I assume this is a pattern.

DD then basically said, "fuck this, I only came because you needed me and now you're being a dick. I could have stayed at home. I don't want to see you".

OP, that about it?

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:42

linslime
I did explain I had to drink to get on the plane
I drank while I was there and on the flight home
I was upset because everyone was upset I drank but I had to drink to be able to go
And everyone knew that

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:43

Mrs terry
Thank you so much

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 03:47

Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:43

Mrs terry
Thank you so much

You need to be her mum. Which means seeking help so she can be your DD not your carer. There's online support to start, for anxiety.

My friend's mum had anxiety and she was a carer for her mum from very young. It's crippling. You need to be there for her. Small ways to start.

orbitalcrisis · 03/08/2022 03:55

Oh dear, you HAD to drink and everyone knew that...? I think I see the problem here. You need to start accepting responsibility for your own actions.

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:55

Mrs terry
Thank you yes I've started to get help
and thanks everyone for the replies has been really helpful
I feel really isolated a lot of the time so was nice to hear others opinions

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:57

Yes I actually did have to drink otherwise I couldn't have got on the plane
I'm agoraphobic and find certain situations almost impossible

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 03:58

I wouldn't wish agoraphobia on anyone

OP posts:
user3346315 · 03/08/2022 04:03

I understand what you are saying OP.
However if you react badly to having a drink, then you shouldn't drink and just shouldnt fly.

It isn't up to your family/daughter to deal with drama, upset or moaning (as we aren't sure what you have actually done) just because you had to drink.

If you were writing a thread on here from your daughters point of view. What would she be saying? And how would you reply?

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 04:11

User
Yes I know
I felt unable to say no to my children
I wish I hadn't gone and blame no one but myself

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 04:19

So what exactly did you do to your DD? Were you abusive?

Does alcohol appear on your DDs list and what else is on her list?

orbitalcrisis · 03/08/2022 04:24

You say you blame no one but yourself but it comes across like you're blaming your children and husband, maybe that's part of the reason she's upset.

Why did you drink once you were there? Could that be why she's upset? You didn't have a plane to get on then.

Original poster
Moominmammashouse · 03/08/2022 04:29

I don't blame anyone I should have said I can't go
I did drink because of my agoraphobia and fear of being away from my home
I blame no one else for my agoraphobia
I don't blame my family but my point is they are aware of this

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 03/08/2022 04:35

I'm just saying that it comes across that you're blaming others, at least in part, for your drinking. I never thought you were blaming them for your agoraphobia, but you are also blaming the agoraphobia for your drinking, that's something that would upset me too if I was your daughter. It seems like you're not taking responsibility. Yes, mental health issues are hard, but sometimes they can be a crutch too.

Biscuitandacuppa · 03/08/2022 04:37

I think at the minute your main concern should be dealing with your own mental health. You need to be taking positive steps to tackle that before you try to mend bridges.

At the moment if you try to fix things you can apologise, blame the holiday, say you are sorry etc but unless you deal with the root cause of the problem then it’s all a bit meaningless really.

Your dd will know that it’ll happen again if you are in a stressful situation and she will feel she is expected to look after you.

I expect she is feeling emotionally drained and pissed off at the moment and probably needs some space. What does your husband and other dc have to say about it?