What do I do ?

[Moominmammashouse]

Asking for advice am lying awake thinking about things
Used to have a really good relationship with my daughter
But not now
I don't want to make things worse she's got a list of things that have upset her
Should i keep trying or leave things be
I have anxiety so sometimes find it hard too see what's for the best

I dont think you are taking responsibility. You didn't have to drink. You could have asked the gp for drugs that were relaxants rather than self medicate with alcohol. You are not taking responsibility that you said yes, to please others, when you knew you were not ready and planned to self medicate. You need to think about your DD's list and start addressing those issues. You know alcohol not only makes you a misery (I presume you were at best embarrassing and badly behaved but possibly also aggressive and hurtful) but it is also bad for your mental health. If you want a good relationship with your DD you need to start addressing these issues properly. I am sure you can and wish you good luck.

Thanks for the replies
I blame no one for my drinking on holiday I'm simply saying what happened
I simply should have said no I can't go
Yes anxiety can b difficult and M getting help

My daughter doesn't actually have a list of complaints
It was an example
Lots to think about thank you

You've also mentioned you can only leave the house with your DH and your DD, and then in TOP of that there is this disastrous holiday.

She has had a lot put on her for a long time now, and it sounds as though the holiday is the straw that broke the camel's back, and what you thought of as a good relationship with her was actually you relying on her and her biting her tongue and being "the responsible adult" and supporting you.

Biscuit
My daughter doesn't live at home
And when I do see her we're not drinking
I think there may b some confusion that she's at home caring for me

Clary
Yes I only go out with my husband to the local
Shop or for a quick walk
My daughter would do something with me if I asked but is mainly my husband
I maybe leave the house once a week accompanied

My daughter would do something with me if I asked but is mainly my husband

If she needed you, needed a favour or emotional support, are you able to be there for her?

I didn’t think she was living at home, but accompanying you on trips and leaving the house is her being in a caring role when she sees you. Not a traditional mother/daughter role.

Are you looking at getting support for your mental health?

Mrs terry
Yes I have been there for my daughter
And it's not a constant round of her coming over and taking me out

On a thread about your relationship with your DD you've not explained what she's said, what her perspective in her words is.

A holiday abroad is a planned thing, you must have known in advance. There are other, better ways of calming you down than drinking alcohol. You could have arranged a distanced appointment with a GP to discuss your options and gone for one of those. Instead you drank and I can only assume were abusive? There's no excuse for abuse.

You've avoided other PPs direct questions along with mine, I wonder if those answers might paint you in a bad light?

I really wish I could find an article I read a long time ago, it was titled something along the lines of "what I would send my estranged mother, if I thought she would read it" it was a pretty spot on perspective from estranged adult children of parents who refuse to have a constructive conversation about what has happened between them and their child.

It doesn't seem like you want help to fix your relationship, it just seems like you want a bit of sympathy tbh. You don't seem to want to meaningfully engage in a discussion about it, I assume your DD feels the same.

She maybe walks to the local shop with me once a week when I saw her and that's not each and every week

Maybe
Yes perhaps she does feel like that
I have not avoided questions nor was I abusive to my daughter
I've said what happened on the holiday

This thread remains about you. Not once have you tried to articulate how your DD feels or what her issues are with you. Until you can see things from others perspective and take an honest hard look at how you effect others I don't think you'll be able to move forwards.

Cameo
Yes you are absolutely right

Have you apologised to her?

Yes I have

So what has your dd said to you? How are the rest of the family dealing with this estrangement? Are they taking sides?

Biscuits
This isn't a long ongoing situation
and no not really

I think everyone thinks it will sort itself out

Be fair, you have avoided questions.

You said you drank and were a misery.

So was it:

I had one pint per day, was a bit quiet and when talked to grumbled about being so far from home.

Or

I was fall down drunk as soon as I was humanly able to get that way from as early as possible to the moment I passed out, every day. Oh and I continually verbally harassed everyone around me, particularly DD.

Or somewhere in between?

A bit more detail would be tremendously useful.It just seems like you are reluctant to give a proper account of your DDs perspective and what actually occurred on the holiday at the moment. I'd find it useful if you were to describe some events that happened and what things that were said etc.

I didn't think your DDs list was a physical written list, but assumed that she has said more than one thing that she has an issue with.
So my question about what is on her list really should have been, what has she said to you that she has problems with?

I was not fall down drunk as soon as humanly possible
I was quiet ,moody and feeling anxious

I'm afraid there isn't much more titillating info to give than that

and at others tried my best to join in with everything

Ok so when you say you were moody, how did that present?

What has your DD actually said to you? Can you please repeat some of it for us?

Well that's just passive aggressive.