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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding Shamed by my DP

359 replies

Lullabies2Paralyze · 02/08/2022 15:38

On holiday with our 4 month old breastfed son.
was in a pub garden having lunch and while waiting for our food I started to feed baby.

my partner said “cover him up” and I asked why (as I never do, don’t use a weird shawl thing but I wear baggy tops and just lift them up).

his reasoning was we were in a “restaurant” and there were other people. I ignored him and carried on feeding the way I do (pointing out he’s a baby not a 10 year old child so it shouldn’t be weird for people!)

I don’t have my tits out on display while doing it and personally I think covering my baby draws more attention to what I was doing.

who was being unreasonable?

YABU - you shouldn’t breastfeed in public places without using a breastfeeding cover

YANBU - it’s perfectly natural, your DP can go do one and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it

OP posts:
Primatrying · 02/08/2022 20:45

I was breastfeeding my newborn in a restaurant once. A woman with a toddler came over and gave me a card that said words to the effect of "thank you for helping to normalise breastfeeding! Go you! Pass this card on!"

It was great!!! Although tbf I have never noticed a negative reaction to my public breastfeeding (which I am still doing at 18mo). Guess I'm either lucky or blissfully ignorant.

daisyjgrey · 02/08/2022 20:57

Fucking hell some people are mad.

If the only way you can feed your baby is to be completely topless while whistling god save the queen, crack on.

The very notion that people get uppity about a breastfeeding woman "in their line of sight" is utterly baffling.

AMIAMIBU · 02/08/2022 21:00

daisyjgrey · 02/08/2022 20:57

Fucking hell some people are mad.

If the only way you can feed your baby is to be completely topless while whistling god save the queen, crack on.

The very notion that people get uppity about a breastfeeding woman "in their line of sight" is utterly baffling.

It's shocking!

OM82 · 02/08/2022 21:16

He's being an idiot.

Most people can't even tell when I'm BF out and about. The amount of folk that have come up to say hello to the wee one when I'm mid feed shows how unobvious it is. Although even if it was obvious that's fine - it's natural. I find using tops designed for breastfeeding help me feel more comfortable (I like the b shirt ones).

Thethuthinang · 02/08/2022 21:46

I'd occasionally try to cover up when nursing DS if I was feeling a bit self-conscious. He'd reach up a tiny arm and yank the cover off.

helpamom · 02/08/2022 21:46

Your unreasonable to call the shawl weird

MayISuggestSomeThickCutSteakChipsToGoWithThat · 02/08/2022 22:01

Ladywiddio · 02/08/2022 17:04

I breastfed 3 children,I did it in all sorts of places and never once did I do it without making sure it wasn’t obvious.

I have on several occasions asked Mothers to be more discreet! I have no problem telling them I don’t want to see it.It’s a new thing making it a performance activity,carry on but don’t do it in front of me.

I don't have kids yet, but when I do and if I am able to breastfeed and someone came up to me telling me to be 'more discreet' as much as I would want to tell that person to fuck off into eternity, it would completely destroy any confidence I had. I wonder out of those women you said that too, how many actually went home feeing ashamed and embarrassed for breastfeeding their Babies in public!

DandelionSoup · 02/08/2022 22:10

Some of the replies here are bonkers! And from women?!

I breastfeed anywhere any everywhere. No I'm not discreet, and no, I'm not attention seeking ffs. My boobs are huge and in order to successfully feed my child I have to hold him and my boob in an awkward way. No I can't cover him up with something because a) I don't have a free hand, b) it would make the whole thing more difficult and time consuming, and c) why should my child hide under something as if we're doing something wrong?

And to the poster who thinks it's fine to feed a small baby in public but not a bigger one, you would have kittens if you saw me feeding mine 😆 He's 2 but looks much older and bigger. I've never had any negative comments, but a fair few positive ones.

And to those who don't want to see: good, I don't want you to look. Politely turn the other way and crack on with your day, mate.

WishingWell5 · 02/08/2022 22:38

@Foldingchair your post made my heart skip a beat. I don't really know how else to describe it, but I know I will feel the same one day.

And to anyone who has said they don't want to see it or to be more discreet... the human race... your actual existence as a human being.... has been made possible through women feeding their infants on their breasts for millions of years. Millions. Of. Years.

So in the kindest possible of ways, F* off with your judgment.

If breastfeeding wasn't a thing You. Would. Not. Exist.

daisyjgrey · 02/08/2022 23:51

I have on several occasions asked Mothers to be more discreet! I have no problem telling them I don’t want to see it.It’s a new thing making it a performance activity,carry on but don’t do it in front of me

Urgh!

@Ladywiddio close the door behind you on the way out.

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 00:25

I have on several occasions asked Mothers to be more discreet! I have no problem telling them I don’t want to see it.It’s a new thing making it a performance activity,carry on but don’t do it in front of me

You'll probably get a smack in the mouth one day then.

TheHuntingoftheSnark · 03/08/2022 00:34

scamander · 02/08/2022 16:44

Same way opinion is divided on whether men should walk about shirtless in public places. Makes others uncomfortable.
Personally think it's natural yes, but shouldn't be on display for all to see. So many weirdos gawking about with cameras these days anyway. Covering up doesn't harm you or baby for the few mins.
To each their own, I guess.

This is not the same. Breastfeeding is essential for a breastfed baby. It’s not essential for a man to take his shirt off unless he needs to to get changed or sometimes at the doctor.

Original poster
Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/08/2022 08:37

@Radicalfaces your husband sounds lovely!! Can he come give mine some pointers 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/08/2022 08:43

@AllNightDiner hahah they’re good! I have some friends that crochet, might suggest it to them 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/08/2022 09:13

@Dinoteeth you’re probably right, he would have been around 10 when his youngest sibling was born but his mam said she used to go into bedroom to feed as she was a “take your entire top off” feeder. She was amazed at one of my breastfeeding dresses and found it very fancy, as apparently there was nothing like that when she was feeding (80’s and 90’s?)

his dad is a “leave the room or purposely stare in a different direction” person around me breastfeeding so he possibly gets his views from there.

OP posts:
littlepeas · 03/08/2022 09:35

This thread wound me up yesterday! Just popping back on and feel heartened to see that the few misogynistic posters have been diminished by the majority.

If someone had approached me and told me to be discreet when feeding my first baby, I think I would have cried (and complied). I would have told them to fuck off the 2nd and 3rd times I did it - I was much more confident and experienced.

Women need to be supported - breastfeeding is difficult and needs to be learned the first time you do it. It’s so easy to destroy someone’s confidence. Dickheads with horrible views need to be challenged every time and I’m glad to see that they have been here.

Loics · 03/08/2022 10:12

Hey, all the people who ask women to cover up and think it's inappropriate - can you please stop perving? The fact most people don't bat an eyelid yet you get all frothy over it is disturbing.
Although if the poster who approaches women wants to do it to me, please do, I certainly won't feel at all intimidated and you'll definitely be put off doing it to anyone again. 🙂

Original poster
Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/08/2022 10:55

Thank you (mostly!) everyone for the support.

usually when I go out it’s to a baby class where there are a few other breastfeeding mams. Hopefully my partner will just get used to it….he will have to, or just not come out with us haha.

and no judgement to those who cover up (sorry I called it weird, I just used that word as I didn’t know the correct name of the garment).

OP posts:
Goldbar · 03/08/2022 11:18

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 00:25

I have on several occasions asked Mothers to be more discreet! I have no problem telling them I don’t want to see it.It’s a new thing making it a performance activity,carry on but don’t do it in front of me

You'll probably get a smack in the mouth one day then.

Or reported for harassment.

pigsDOfly · 03/08/2022 11:23

Can I just say to those women who would feel intimidated and/or have their confidence knocked by idiots making ignorant stupid comments about them breastfeeding their babies.

Please ignore them and don't give them head space.

I bf my 3 babies in the 80s all until they were around 2/3 years old.

In the main people didn't really notice, as many posters have said there's not much to see with a small head in front of a breast, but I did get some nasty comments on a range from a relation of my exh leaving the room tutting in disgust and telling her husband to leave the room as well with a 'we don't want to see that' comment, to the MIL of my exh's brother telling me I was 'sick' to bf my 2 years old son.

Most of the comments I just shrugged at, the 'sick' comment I got angry at.

Some people are weird and nasty. Don't let them get to you.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 03/08/2022 12:40

I wouldn’t be happy with your husband’s attitude. It’s for you to decide how, where and when you feed your baby.
Having said that I do think you get some women who are exhibitionists that use breastfeeding as an excuse to get their boobs out in public. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here though.

Loics · 03/08/2022 13:12

Whoatealltheminieggs · 03/08/2022 12:40

I wouldn’t be happy with your husband’s attitude. It’s for you to decide how, where and when you feed your baby.
Having said that I do think you get some women who are exhibitionists that use breastfeeding as an excuse to get their boobs out in public. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here though.

Why? I'm in a few breastfeeding groups and the exhibitionism comment always confuses and amuses people in equal measures. Not one of the 1000s of comments I've seen on the subject, from breastfeeding mothers, have alluded to enjoying being on show.
It is a genuine question as it makes me wonder if there are women somewhere out there standing on the table waving their nipple tassels while screaming "look at me!"
I don't know anyone who thinks "I wish I had an excuse to get my boobs out in Tesco". 🤷‍♀️

Confession101 · 03/08/2022 13:37

All the idiots who “don’t want to see it”, I just don’t understand what is so offensive about feeding a baby. You don’t like to see a mother looking after her child, and a child being content and kept alive? Just so weird.

Guarantee you walk past adverts in shopping centres/on the way to the park/restaurant etc with women showing WAY MORE boob than a nursing mother who is showing pretty much nothing from the angle any of you miserable bastards can see from.

Get over yourselves. If an infant being fed is offensive to you in any way, take PPs advice and LOOK AWAY. If you’re unable to do that, try not leaving your house?

Derbee · 03/08/2022 13:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

WaltzingWaters · 03/08/2022 13:46

Nurse where you like/need to. I try to cover up as much as I can when nursing out and about, but I would completely ignore anyone tutting about it.
It’s really disappointing the amount of women on here who are not supportive of breastfeeding mothers. If you don’t want to see it, there are other directions you can look.