To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

I met someone through a support group, a nursing sister, she and her husband were rejected as adoptive parents because of something her ex husband said about her. It all but destroyed her.

Yep, most children up for adoption are children, not babies and even if you do adopt a baby they aren't a blank canvas with no issues. My cousin adopted her daughter when she was a baby and she has foetal alcohol syndrome.

adopting isn't a backup option though? It's not for people to say 'oh if I can't have biological kids I'll just adopt, problem solved' you either want to adopt or you don't in my opinion. An adopted child should go to a home who really really wants them, not as a back up option

Is it a solution? So if I adopt, I'll no longer be infertile? 🤔

Words are failing me on this thread.

We aren't anything special. We adopted because we wanted to be parents and to raise a family, and we thought we would be up to the task of adopting. I think the people who say you should only adopt if you think you have a 'calling' are naive and simplistic.

Of course you can't 'just' adopt. But there is no getting away from the fact that adoption is a way to make a family and for infertile couples it is one of their few potential options. As is clear from posts on this thread it is also true there are still myths around who is eligible to adopt.

If you know someone well enough to be sharing your upset over infertility with them, maybe you should accept that if they ask about adoption maybe they are trying to help / give you space to explore that route / genuinely interested as to whether that might be an avenue you would explore? Obviously there is a time and a place, and 30s after a negative result would not be the time or the place.

Making adoption taboo to even mention it seems so negative.

Another single adopter here (first time round anyway), I was a young and clueless 28 year old man, still clueless, but with added grey hair.

No family in the traditional sense of my own, no experience with children really (just a bit of rugby coaching), no friends with children, a very small group of friends who are abroad a lot with work, so very minimal support network physically close to me.

I’m definitely not special, my ‘mum’ wanted to know who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to trust me with a toddler! He’s now a happy, secure and somewhat bonkers 7 year old.

I imagine it’s more straightforward to adopt when you are single? No infertility baggage, no marriage to be picked over by SS?

... no other adult to share the load, no ability for one person to be earning whilst the other is a stay at home parent, no need of someone who can drop everything to care if you are ill, no discussion of what if you do find a partner, ....

Yes this!! My infertility has nothing to do with children up for adoption.. they're two completely separate and unrelated things

As someone who has done both I would personally say no. When I did it alone it was much harder to prove that I was financially stable enough to manage adoption leave, have a plan in place if I couldn’t return to work fulltime, have a plan if I became ill and was temporarily unable to parent etc. No relation, but you do have the complexity of how you will handle dating as a single adopter if you do want a relationship in the future.

This time two incomes coming in, so easier to afford adoption leave, unlikely for both of us to be seriously ill at the same time, we’ve essentially always got someone there to support us, our support network is better etc.

No picking over of our marriage/relationship, they’re getting to know you, it isn’t like a police interview under oath.

I think there is a requirement for a good support network,
Tes

lots of extended family or close friends nearby.
No, not lots

And fairly young fit parents of your own.
No

Our parents were in their 70s by the time we’d exhausted fertility treatment, and we had no close family living nearby.
Same as us, actually one lot of parents were already deceased. We have zero family nearby.

Also there’s an 11 year age gap between us - DH is older - so I don’t think we’d have been considered ideal.
Same as us.

@CounsellorTroi

Just because I adopted as a single person does not mean I have no infertility or relationship baggage to be picked over

I agree.

Of course there will be people who do find the answer in adoption. But as a general rule I don't think it should be offered as the solution to an infertile couples problems. They are two separate things.

And what is wrong with that?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ what is wrong with wanting to have biological children? If we were infertile (like someone in our family) we would still want to parent children (neither me or DH wanted to remain childless) and adoption is an option then (like that family member adopted 2 lovely boys)

Actually that's not even what I said: I did say we were still considering but I had 3 children and have been struggling a bit. If I wasn't struggling and we had a big house where we didn't have to stick the 3 in one room, yes we would be thinking about adopting.

Why do people have babies? Is it because they want to be pregnant (9 months) or because they want to be parents (18 years+)? We wanted to be parents. We tried the easy/free route, then the more difficult one, then the hardest one.

what is wrong with wanting to have biological children?

Nothing is wrong with that. That's my point. Hence why just breezily suggesting adoption to someone grieving the loss of being able to have a biological child is not very sensitive. Because they are entitled to grieve and want that.

It is odd that people suggest it like it's something new that you may not have heard of!

I would definitely have tried to adopt had I not been able to have my own children. My best friend is adopted and I have friends who have adopted. The ones who have adopted due to infertility is the minority, most already have children and have adopted after having their own children.

It's obviously more nuanced than that.

But yes missing the experience of pregnancy and birth can be a big thing and can be very upsetting and it's perfectly valid to grieve that.

However, it's not the only reason someone may struggle to come to terms with not having a biological child, lots of people want a biological child and it's not just because they want to be pregnant. It's not wrong or offensive to say you want a biological child.

Simply wanting a child does not automatically make adoption for you.

@jewishmum it's obviously dependent on the needs, background and experiences of the adopted child but there can be some differences. Firstly that child when adopted will have two families however they choose to engage with their first family. The adoptive family will have responsibilities around contact with bio parents- this could be life story work, letters or visits and playdates. There will also be check ins from social workers etc. A lot of children in care are older than 3 years old and are likely to have lived in a number of houses by that age which can make it difficult for them to trust and build attachments with adoptive parents. They will have other siblings they might really miss who they will need to have contact with. And as they grow older they may have a wide range of feelings about being adopted. Some young people I work with are happy as part of their adoptive family while others resent being adopted at all and feel it should have happened later when they had a choice in the matter and a fostering or guardianship role would have been closer to meeting their needs. If course some children may be affected by FAS or trauma, may even experience PTSD and have long term attachment disorders. If you treat an adopted child like they aren't adopted and have never been, in part you're almost denying a part of their identity and life experiences so that's why it's so crucial the adoptive parents are grounded emotionally so that they can hold space for whatever their child is feeling and experiencing and however they process their life journey. That's something that people with children they gave birth to don't have to consider in the same way.

adopting isn't a backup option though? It's not for people to say 'oh if I can't have biological kids I'll just adopt, problem solved' you either want to adopt or you don't in my opinion. An adopted child should go to a home who really really wants them, not as a back up option

I don’t think that someone who has made peace with not being able to have biological children but then decides to adopt is going to be a bad parent. Nobody comes to it with the “problem solved” attitude that you’ve implied here. It’s a serious and properly thought through decision. It has to be to survive the vetting process.

It isn’t realistic to think that many (probably most) adopters come to it after infertility.

My last sentence doesn’t say what I wanted it to say! It’s surely realistic to think that most adopters end up there after infertility.

I am not being naive or simplistic. I have close experience of this and know that in order for adoption to work for the kids, you have to be someone who is willing to dedicate their life to raising kids with different issues to a birth child. Often doing much more than a birth parent would. I.e leaving work even in teenage years as the children need more stability than a birth child. It needs to be something that the parent really, really wants, otherwise children get hurt.

@Cw122 couldn't have (and indeed didn't) put it better myself!

This is exactly why I was saying wanting a child does not automatically equal a good adoptive parent. There are (generally) differences, no not to the love or care you feel, but as laid out by PPs and just because you want a biological child but can't have one does not automatically mean adoption would be a good option for you.

It's separate, it's something you should want to do on its own merit not just as the last option so you can fix an issue in your life.

And anyway, if someone comes to you upset about infertility and wanting some support, they are very obviously grieving being unable to have a biological child. Adoption, even though it is not lesser, does not solve that and people know it exists they do not need reminding.