To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

If someone is iIn a dark place sometimes they just need you to sit in there with them and hold their hand (figuratively or literally) for a bit. They know there is no easy or quick fix way of getting out.

And yes there is a right thing to say in this situation. People on this thread who are in this situation have said it over and over again. “I’m so sorry you are going through this, it must be so hard.” And listen. But I suspect in this situation many say what will make them feel better and they think that will make the person they’re talking to feel better. But it doesn’t always.

Because the criteria is strict and specific and I wouldn't have got past it

So you obviously agree it's not an easy/simple solution.

@CounsellorTroi There is a right thing to say to you. Many of those I come across have said how much of a difference it made to their lives and how glad they are that someone suggested it as even though they knew it was an option, they wouldn't have considered it at that time without someone saying it first and offering support.

Do you think it's acceptable for someone to just want to mourn being unable to have biological children?

I just can't see any need to bring adoption up in a conversation about infertility.

@Roady1 I think everyone here agrees it isn't an easy option.

This is a good point.

I remember an agony aunt, can’t saying that saying to someone who has fertility problems “why don’t you adopt” is a bit like saying to someone who wanted to be an opera singer but lost their voice “why don’t you play the piano instead?” Now playing the piano is indeed an alternative way of making music, and for some it may be equally rewarding, but for others it is not the same as their own voice. And they need to mourn that.

I don't think that analogy works at all and is, once again, rather offensive and suggestive that an adoptive child is lesser than a biological one. Simply suggesting the consideration of adoption is not a bad thing to do if done in the right way. It should not become a taboo subject.

It's not the same, and for all the many success stories, there are some that just aren't.
Lovely GP friends of mine adopted a brother and sister, when one was a very young child and the other was a toddler. They really, really put their non-bio parents through the wringer over the years, and now none of them are in touch. It's heartbreaking. All those years of love and effort for nothing.
In short, these particular siblings should never have been placed together (as later confirmed by SS), and too much damage had already been done by the biological parents.

Of course it may not work for some and SS are known for being rather rubbish. Relationships can break down with biological children too though.

Not the same though? Again with the offensive language. Tell that to my own parents and those I now support through the process. They love, care for and treat their child in a way that is no different to anyone else.

I’m not suggesting anything of the sort. I’m just saying adoption isn’t for everyone.

When I was trying to be a surrogate for my friends the abound of times I heard “why don’t they just adopt” just made me want to scream.

I work in social care, I know the reality.

This is where it breaks down isn't it. Because people can't accept without taking offense that for some people it isn't the same and they would rather not adopt if they can't have biological children.

Mourning being unable to have biological children is perfectly valid and no one has to say they'd be open to adoption in order to not offend anyone because of that.

I'm assuming the people who do go onto adopt are the ones who believe that biology isn't a big deal to them. To some people it is. And that is fine.

And I think most people who have suffered fertility issues obviously wanted biological children and therefore will have a period of mourning not having that. There will be some that go onto adopt and others that don't.

But again, there are a host of reasons, as already explained rather extensively on the thread, why it's not always an easy solution and it can be very misleading and dismissive to tell someone to 'just adopt'.

Relationships can break down with biological children too though.

Of course they do. But obviously adoption does come with its own unique set of potential challenges that not everyone wants or feels able to deal with.

Why do you think infertile couples have to show they aren't just adopting for that specific reason? If it was a easy "solution to infertility" then that wouldn't be the case would it?

People are only trying to help, even if rather clumsily. Getting angry with them seems a bit unfair.

You won’t generally be approved as an adoptive parent if you can’t demonstrate that you have completely come to terms with not having a biological child.

Also not being able to have a biological child doesn’t automatically mean you’d be a good adoptive parent, even though you’d have been a good enough biological parent.

And when I was first ttc in the early 90s people did say things like “I know someone who adopted and then they got pregnant” as though suggesting you adopt for that reason.

Yes well, people who say things like “it’s nature’s way/it wasn’t meant to be” when someone has a miscarriage are doubtless “only trying to help” too.

I think that, as pp have said, many people are too ready to treat someone's pain as a request for advice: often one just needs a sympathetic ear, and one knows all the 'obvious'-seeming options already,

Apart from anything else - this isn't the 1960s. There aren't a lot of babies who were given up at birth by single mothers, and need parents. Most children in need of adoption are children who were taken into care as a result of abuse or neglect, or at best because their birth families were seriously dysfunctional. Most have experienced serious emotional and sometimes physical damage. Helping them to grow and develop is something that requires a great deal of work, stamina, internal and external resources, and expert knowledge. It's not for everyone, not even for every good parent. It is not something that one 'just' does.

My parents struggled with fertility and they seriously considered adoption before finding out they were expecting me.

It is never an easy decision, it is not the same decision level as having your own kids.

But if I couldn't have children I would have done it. After 3 biological kids, I'm done 🥵 too much mess that I'm still trying to cope with. But we did think about adoption after having a couple of kids

Btw I am totally against surrogacy 🤷🏻‍♀️

So adoption 100% trumps surrogacy for me

Well it’s a good job it’s absolutely none of your business how others build their family isn’t it? 🙂

But if I couldn't have children I would have done it

Can you not see though that comments like this do suggest that the majority of people do want to have biological children and it's not taboo to say that? If it didn't matter to you, you'd have adopted prior to having biological children but you didn't. You looked at it after and said IF you couldn't have bio DC, you would have.

No one at any point has suggested it is easy or for everyone, just that it is a potential option and people should not be afraid to mention it.

I cannot understand how mentioning adoption is apparently offensive, but continually saying how different and lesser adopted children are isn't.

Quite frankly I am saddened by this thread, who knew so many people would consider me and others as 'not the same' as the rest of my/our family.

And it's honestly very easy to say what you would have done in a given situation.

I cannot understand how mentioning adoption is apparently offensive, but continually saying how different and lesser adopted children are isn't

Who has said adopted children are lesser?

People are saying you should adopt because you want to adopt, not just because you can't have a bio child, which is exactly why you're expected to have proven this when going through the adoption process if you're infertile.

PPs have explained multiple times why adoption may be different to having biological children NOT in the sense that they are lesser or loved less or cared for less or matter less, no one has said that, just that the situation is unique and can often come with its own challenges that not everyone is able to deal with and that simply wanting a child doesn't make them suitable for adoption. To suggest anyone who wants a child but can't have one themselves should adopt is being very dismissive of two things imo, the pain of being unable to have a biological child (which to many people's is something to grieve) and of adoption itself which is unique and not a simple thing to do.

No one has said you are lesser than anyone else in your family.