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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

263 replies

StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 10:53

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

OP posts:
HappyHappyHermit · 05/08/2022 10:57

@Roady1 You may not have, but many of the comments on here do show that view sadly.

wh00pi · 05/08/2022 10:57

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 10:47

But if I couldn't have children I would have done it

Can you not see though that comments like this do suggest that the majority of people do want to have biological children and it's not taboo to say that? If it didn't matter to you, you'd have adopted prior to having biological children but you didn't. You looked at it after and said IF you couldn't have bio DC, you would have.

Well if IVF doesn't work and you want a family, many would consider adoption.

Besswess88 · 05/08/2022 10:59

I don’t think anyone struggling to have a child has not considered adoption.

Thats why it’s a ridiculous thing to say.

My friend was born with no womb but her own ovaries. I chose to help her, and dealt with others opinions at the time.

Now I am older and wiser I wish rather than arguing I had told them all to fuck off. My body my choice.

CounsellorTroi · 05/08/2022 11:00

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 10:55

I cannot understand how mentioning adoption is apparently offensive, but continually saying how different and lesser adopted children are isn't

Who has said adopted children are lesser?

People are saying you should adopt because you want to adopt, not just because you can't have a bio child, which is exactly why you're expected to have proven this when going through the adoption process if you're infertile.

PPs have explained multiple times why adoption may be different to having biological children NOT in the sense that they are lesser or loved less or cared for less or matter less, no one has said that, just that the situation is unique and can often come with its own challenges that not everyone is able to deal with and that simply wanting a child doesn't make them suitable for adoption. To suggest anyone who wants a child but can't have one themselves should adopt is being very dismissive of two things imo, the pain of being unable to have a biological child (which to many people's is something to grieve) and of adoption itself which is unique and not a simple thing to do.

No one has said you are lesser than anyone else in your family.

Agree with all of this.

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 11:01

Well if IVF doesn't work and you want a family, many would consider adoption

And? It doesn't mean someone coming to you who is struggling with the fact they cannot or may not have biological children needs you to remind them that adoption exists. It's dismissive of their grief imo and in many people's given the thread and the vote and the fact that practically every person I've spoken to who struggles with fertility hate it being suggested.

Saying 'why don't you adopt or why don't you just adopt' to someone with fertility issues is shitty.

The fact that infertile couples are supposed to show during the process that they are not adopting as a means to deal with their infertility surely shows its not seen as a solution.

SaltySeaWitch · 05/08/2022 11:04

It’s incredibly difficult to adopt in this country, and rightly so. It’s not a case of just popping to an orphanage and picking out a cute baby. Adopted children often have complex needs. I suspect we probably wouldn’t even be approved to adopt despite having two happy, healthy biological DCs.

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 11:04

And if someone is looking to discuss adoption and wants to talk about that then I would assume they'd bring it up with me not the other way around.

djdkdkddkek · 05/08/2022 11:08

HappyHappyHermit · 05/08/2022 09:49

I don't think that analogy works at all and is, once again, rather offensive and suggestive that an adoptive child is lesser than a biological one. Simply suggesting the consideration of adoption is not a bad thing to do if done in the right way. It should not become a taboo subject.

Agreed

theres nothing wrong with wanting your own children but equally, adoption isn’t something lesser.

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 11:09

theres nothing wrong with wanting your own children but equally, adoption isn’t something lesser

No but it's different for the variety of reasons already given.

and I'm not saying different as in lesser before anyone starts

miltonj · 05/08/2022 11:10

Yep, adoption shouldn't be about filling that sadness in the adults life. It has to be done with the children in mind. Even if the child is adopted from a very young age, there is still trauma involved, even if it only presents later in life. Its about dedicating your life to children and in turn adults who will need something from you extra. I believe people should adopt because they feel called to do so and have a passion for it, not because the other options have failed.

CounsellorTroi · 05/08/2022 11:11

djdkdkddkek · 05/08/2022 11:08

Agreed

theres nothing wrong with wanting your own children but equally, adoption isn’t something lesser.

Show quote history

Again, I’ve never said or meant to imply it was. It’s just not for everyone.

ToBarrelOrNotToBarrel · 05/08/2022 11:11

In the bad old days young mothers weren’t given a choice and their children were effectively taken from them and adopted. The majority of children and babies now that are needing loving homes are the result of social services intervention because of violence or substance abuse so a lot of the children have complex needs as well as potentially ties to full and half siblings that need to be maintained. I don’t know if I could do it.

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 11:15

I believe people should adopt because they feel called to do so and have a passion for it, not because the other options have failed

I agree. It shouldn't just be 'oh well, tried everything else so I'll just adopt then'. How dismissive.

The two can be linked I'm sure, there will no doubt be a lot of adoptive parents who were unable to have biological children. But it shouldn't be thought of as an easy option when everything else has failed. You should do it because you want to adopt imo not just to fill something in your own life.

elliejjtiny · 05/08/2022 11:18

I don't know much about adoption but I do find that there will always be some people who are very vocal about their opinions on things they know absolutely nothing about. My son was born with a cleft lip and there were some people who were outraged on my behalf that the midwife didn't just quickly stitch his lip together in the delivery room. Because a midwife can repair a minor childbirth tear, they can repair a cleft lip, right? I had to explain that a specialist plastic surgeon would take 3 hours to carefully repair his lip but some people were still not convinced.

wh00pi · 05/08/2022 12:21

Roady1 · 05/08/2022 11:01

Well if IVF doesn't work and you want a family, many would consider adoption

And? It doesn't mean someone coming to you who is struggling with the fact they cannot or may not have biological children needs you to remind them that adoption exists. It's dismissive of their grief imo and in many people's given the thread and the vote and the fact that practically every person I've spoken to who struggles with fertility hate it being suggested.

Saying 'why don't you adopt or why don't you just adopt' to someone with fertility issues is shitty.

The fact that infertile couples are supposed to show during the process that they are not adopting as a means to deal with their infertility surely shows its not seen as a solution.

No idea why you're mad at me, I just stated a fact. If medical intervention fails then you may reconsider the options of adoption/fostering.

That's literally all I said, no need for your response. I didn't even express an option.

wh00pi · 05/08/2022 12:21

Express an opinion*

Ted27 · 05/08/2022 12:22

@SaltySeaWitch

and others - why is it you think you wouldnt be approved to adopt?

I’m an adoptive mum, I’m nothing special. I am stubborn and resilient - but so are many people. But really I am just an ordinary person with a son who had a difficult start to life.
I just wanted to be a mum - and I am

Cw122 · 05/08/2022 12:23

namechanged4it · 05/08/2022 08:07

I think you're being harsh. It's am option like other posters have suggested. I think you're looking at it way too negatively. Would you feel the same if someone suggested IVF?
I have fertility issues and am more than happy to adopt/Foster and really don't kind when people open up the subject.

I think it's important to remember that there is guidance for social workers assessing would be adoptive parents that there is a period of time between trying to conceive and deciding to adopt. That's to protect the child from the grief that the prospective adopters have experienced over infertility. For people to act as though adoption is the solution to cure that grief means the adult isn't allowed to fully explore their emotions and accept their reality and make informed choices on how to move forward. Its also harmful for the adoptive child because if its rushed that can cause difficulties with attachment and bonding which are already going to be a challenge. It can affect the adoptive parents mental health which affects the child, it can also leave a child feeling like they were a second choice which they should never ever have to feel. So while it's great that you feel that this is a potential option for you, people still need to be allowed to go through the full journey and feel and resolve all their feelings so they can be fully truly available to a child if they choose to go on and adopt.

CounsellorTroi · 05/08/2022 14:19

Ted27 · 05/08/2022 12:22

@SaltySeaWitch

and others - why is it you think you wouldnt be approved to adopt?

I’m an adoptive mum, I’m nothing special. I am stubborn and resilient - but so are many people. But really I am just an ordinary person with a son who had a difficult start to life.
I just wanted to be a mum - and I am

I think there is a requirement for a good support network, lots of extended family or close friends nearby. And fairly young fit parents of your own. Our parents were in their 70s by the time we’d exhausted fertility treatment, and we had no close family living nearby. Also there’s an 11 year age gap between us - DH is older - so I don’t think we’d have been considered ideal.

Ted27 · 05/08/2022 14:46

@CounsellorTroi

I was 47 when I adopted as single person, I don't have a large extended family, I live in the west Midlands, my family are all in the North West or Australia, my parents in their early 70s, not in the best of health.
I had a small but solid support network, which has grown considerably since I adopted, consisting of other adopters or parents of children with special needs.

Happy to respond to any other adoption myths

Ted27 · 05/08/2022 14:47

That should have read

My parents were is their early 70s when I adopted

jewishmum · 05/08/2022 14:50

Halstead · 02/08/2022 11:11

Parenting adopted children is (often) nothing like parenting birth children (not your own children, as a PP has termed it)

I have 2 adopted DC (who are both my own children).

I am very careful not to suggest adoption as a default response to people talking about struggling to have birth children - the two really are very different (a lot of the time).

I'd be interested to know what about parenting a child you've adopted is different from one that

jewishmum · 05/08/2022 14:51
  • that you birthed. Asking as we have a long family tree of adopted people and I myself find it hard to see a difference.
southlondonerhere · 05/08/2022 14:52

100% and the only people who ever say it are the people who have already had kids naturally. it never occurs to them that they could also adopt.. they could have not had biological kids and adopted instead .. it's not for infertile people to save the worlds children, as harsh as that may sound, adopting is not for everybody

jewishmum · 05/08/2022 14:54

Wasn't there a woman recently who was adopting a little chubby baby, who abused and killed him? She was approved by social.

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