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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

280 replies

WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 19:57

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 02/08/2022 08:52

My eldest was bf and wouldn't take a bottle. Just before I returned to work when he was 8 months I tried a bottle again and he drink it all.

Keep trying - he will be able to adapt. Put a bottle next to him when he's eating in his high chair and let him give it a go.

ButSrsly · 02/08/2022 09:03

it's what the majority of us should be doing where we can

Eh? I could have breastfed but never did, not once, it sounds absolutely hideous from the experiences of multiple people here and people I know in real life.

What we should be doing is whatever works best for us, and working best includes getting sleep imo.

TheKeatingFive · 02/08/2022 09:19

and working best includes getting sleep imo.

Which isn't mutually exclusive from breastfeeding at the OP's stage. At all.

converseandjeans · 02/08/2022 09:22

Fucking hell. I literally can't believe what I'm reading with some of these posts but it's not the first time I've read things like: OP "my husband isn't helping me at night" MN "it's your fault for not leaving your baby to cry and still breastfeeding at 9 months (shock horror)".

It's not OP fault at all but it's more important in my opinion that she is well rested and able to function. I would say the health (physical and mental) of the mother is vital. Sleep deprivation can have a terrible effect on someone's wellbeing.

I don't think OP husband can help as much while baby is still breast feeding. Yes of course he can get up too to support etc but while baby is still breast feeding he can't quickly settle the baby.

In any case changes need to be made and current set up isn't working.

So often on here a mother is encouraged to continue to breast feed, allow baby to set a routine, co-sleep - maybe the mother needs to be encouraged to get the baby to sleep at night. Just because some of you had babies who never slept til they were 2, you assume this is normal and you should accept it and in the meantime wear yourself out. It doesn't have to be that way. Many babies do sleep all night.

Marvellousmadness · 02/08/2022 09:32

Yabu. You made a rod for youe own back but now blame your dh for not being enough. Poor guy 😅

TheOrigRights · 02/08/2022 09:43

It's really not helpful to lay into the OP.
She is already down on herself and beside herself with tiredness.
A bunch of randoms telling her as much isn't helpful.

WTF475878237NC · 02/08/2022 09:47

I'm sorry to read your updates OP. Sleep isn't a perfect science and every night is different here but you're doing nothing wrong in breastfeeding your baby. That's not the issue. Your husband should be happy to tag team and do settling/distraction etc so you get some rest in between feeds and try to stretch the baby if he feeds every two hours.

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 09:48

Marvellousmadness · 02/08/2022 09:32

Yabu. You made a rod for youe own back but now blame your dh for not being enough. Poor guy 😅

Oh come on. She's struggling and is a FTM. Wanting to try and do everything for your baby is completely natural. Getting to a point where you can't actually do it anymore is completely natural. Wanting your husband to step up when he says he will is completely reasonable and rational.

Bythisway · 02/08/2022 09:50

I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle.

You’ve not been lazy at all. You’re doing what’s best for your baby. If he wakes up at 9 months then he wakes up, that’s normal even though very tiring. This phase will pass.

Somethingsnappy · 02/08/2022 10:30

Marvellousmadness · 02/08/2022 09:32

Yabu. You made a rod for youe own back but now blame your dh for not being enough. Poor guy 😅

'a rod for your own back'... What, have you just emerged from a 1950s book on parenting? The op has been breastfeeding her child. Does that really deserve a hysterically laughing emoji?

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:31

I know I need to stop breastfeeding but I don’t know how to stop.

OP posts:
MrsDeaconClaybourne · 02/08/2022 10:32

I don't really have any practical advice but just wanted to say DS1 went through what sounds like a really similar phase. He'd been a great sleeper from about 6 weeks so it was a terrible shock! However, he was more than happy to take a bottle - this made no difference to his sleep at all. I remember him having all of an 8oz bottle of hungry baby milk one night at about 10pm thinking we'd cracked it
He still woke up at the same time in the night! Also, CIO or any other sleep training absolutely didn't work for him. They all just made him hysterical and less settled. So don't think you 'have' to do something if it's not what you want and don't blame yourself.

DH wise, I was a SAHM to 3 DC under 5. He really did his best and was pretty good. But he worked away a lot and some times I was so resentful of how he just didn't 'get' my reality that I thought I'd never get over it.

Many years later, our DC are teens now and he is the most wonderful dad to teens, much more patient than me most of the time. He's a fantastic husband, incredibly understanding about menopause etc and has supported me massively to get back into work. He's also great at helping my elderly DM and, again, much more patient than me. So, I'd definitely advise, like a pp, not making any hasty decisions.

That ended up being very long sorry!

ButSrsly · 02/08/2022 10:33

TheKeatingFive · 02/08/2022 09:19

and working best includes getting sleep imo.

Which isn't mutually exclusive from breastfeeding at the OP's stage. At all.

No, but it can certainly be linked imo if your baby is refusing a bottle and you're breastfeeding them to sleep every time they wake up in the night because it's "easiest" but then having getting stressed that your husband cant help you with it.

People are suggesting the OP give up BF'ing during the night because it sounds like it would help and it would also be easier for her husband to help. If that is the case, it shouldn't be shamed as something we "should all be trying to do". There's no should about it. Sleep is important. More important than breastfeeding imo, so if it's not working there is no shame in stopping.

whenwillthemadnessend · 02/08/2022 10:35

Get your dh to take a few days off work and stop breastfeeding. It can be done. You need to work as a team.

Breast is best but not at mothers expense

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:37

I don’t mind co sleeping and not sleep training. That’s absolutely fine, I’m happy to ride it out as long as it takes. I just want some help, seeing as my husband doesn’t want to sleep train either, I feel like he could help at night or in the mornings. Even then, I only ask for help on his days off, not on days he is working.

OP posts:
ButSrsly · 02/08/2022 10:38

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:31

I know I need to stop breastfeeding but I don’t know how to stop.

I think any change you introduce to a babies routine will be met with a tough few days / nights so whatever you do, you need to be up for dealing with a few even shitter nights before you see some changes in my experience. I'd see if you can get someone to have him for a night so you can sleep, family? And then when you've got a full night's sleep into you, try some of the things others have suggested here, a cup instead of bottle, gentle sleep training methods (they don't all involve just leaving your child to cry).

Nothing is going to work instantly and I do understand that when you've had no sleep you just go with the easiest option. But if you want there to be changes you may need to actively make changes and stick to them even if it seems harder at first.

And your husband needs to be on board and last more than 20 minutes!

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 10:41

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:31

I know I need to stop breastfeeding but I don’t know how to stop.

Plenty of suggestions posted op. Bf should never be at the expense of your frustration and MH. I also gave up early on and I don't regret it for a second. My mh was far more important, and you can't even say today who was bf or not. If it was that crucial and vital as it is pushed then how would many have survived being FF?

ButSrsly · 02/08/2022 10:41

Agree with PP, get him to take some days off so you can really work on it together without worrying about work.

I remember my mum saying her and my dad did this with me. They both took a few days off work whilst they were trying to shift my routine at night to get me to sleep longer. They said it would have been ten times harder it they'd had to worry about work as well the next day. If you can, get rid of that stress for a couple of days at least.

Darkstar4855 · 02/08/2022 10:47

Try a sippy cup, OP. Mine was a bottle refuser but took a sippy cup from six months on. The miracle 360 cups with the handles were great, he liked to hold the handles and control the flow which he couldn’t do with a bottle. Then you can give expressed milk or formula, whichever works best for you.

You are doing an amazing thing breastfeeding but it is tough when they’re not good sleepers. You haven’t done anything wrong, your baby just loves the comfort you are giving them.

TheKeatingFive · 02/08/2022 10:50

People are suggesting the OP give up BF'ing during the night because it sounds like it would help and it would also be easier for her husband to help.

I've been saying that myself, but no one on this thread gets to tell the OP how important breastfeeding 'should' be to her. That's her decision.

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 10:53

TheKeatingFive · 02/08/2022 10:50

People are suggesting the OP give up BF'ing during the night because it sounds like it would help and it would also be easier for her husband to help.

I've been saying that myself, but no one on this thread gets to tell the OP how important breastfeeding 'should' be to her. That's her decision.

That's fair enough but then she can have it both ways.

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 10:53

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 10:53

That's fair enough but then she can have it both ways.

Show quote history

*can't

TheOrigRights · 02/08/2022 10:57

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:37

I don’t mind co sleeping and not sleep training. That’s absolutely fine, I’m happy to ride it out as long as it takes. I just want some help, seeing as my husband doesn’t want to sleep train either, I feel like he could help at night or in the mornings. Even then, I only ask for help on his days off, not on days he is working.

Does he take both children out on his days off to allow you to sleep?

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 11:00

TheOrigRights · 02/08/2022 10:57

Does he take both children out on his days off to allow you to sleep?

Show quote history

No

OP posts:
ButSrsly · 02/08/2022 11:01

TheKeatingFive · 02/08/2022 10:50

People are suggesting the OP give up BF'ing during the night because it sounds like it would help and it would also be easier for her husband to help.

I've been saying that myself, but no one on this thread gets to tell the OP how important breastfeeding 'should' be to her. That's her decision.

Don't put words in my mouth. Where have I told OP how important breastfeeding should be to her?

I said she should do what works for her and IN MY OPINION working best needs to include sleep. I was giving my opinion, hence why I said in my opinion...