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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

280 replies

WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 19:57

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/08/2022 20:02

Yabu as you know. At 9 months they should be sleeping through more or less, you might need to look at controlled crying so they know bed means sleep. I breastfed my last until 14 months but once he was on solids I fed a lot less frequently and despite him not taking a bottle or dummy stopped night feeds. He had one last thing at night before bed and in the morning.

user1471459761 · 01/08/2022 20:02

YABU. Please be kind to yourself and your husband. This will pass! But for the future, you need to wean your child so he is not dependent solely on you for comfort. Unfortunately though sometimes only mummy will do! Treasure that time!

Topgub · 01/08/2022 20:03

Yabu

Its not your ohs fault.

Stop bf.

The baby doesn't need a bottle at 9 months

He doesn't need fed overnight at 9 months either

PassesAtGlasses · 01/08/2022 20:04

I can relate. I stopped breastfeeding at a year as it was just too much for me on my own. She was stubborn for a few days but soon took the bottle. I felt enormously guilty at the time but I wish someone had told me my mental health mattered more. It’s ok to stop feeding so your DH can share the load

Favour237 · 01/08/2022 20:05

Yes YABU it’s not his fault. You can get baby back on bottle between you and the baby shouldn’t need feeding overnight anyway. If you don’t like things the way they are then change them

Bemyclementine · 01/08/2022 20:06

Oh I was there sitting feeding the baby next to snoring husband, could happily have punched him in the face. Or smothered him. I kniw how terrible that sounds.

Please though, do talk to him. I dobt think the wY you're feeling us that unusual. Also, please dobt worry about the baby nit sleeping through, there us no "should". One if mine slept through at about 15 months (but woke VERY early) the other slept through pretty much from birth , waking only fir a brief feed, both bf

Blinkingheckythump · 01/08/2022 20:07

Obviously the pps haven't heard of the WHO or their guidelines for breastfeeding

It's very, very difficult. Is there a spare room you can go to so your husband can settle baby without you there? My lo won't settle as well with my oh if I'm there too

Theluggage15 · 01/08/2022 20:08

How come you only got 3 hours sleep if you’re doing one feed in a night? Does it take ages to settle him after the feed? It’s understandable to feel as you do even if it’s not your husband’s fault. You’re just knackered.

CactusBlossom · 01/08/2022 20:08

You have answered your own question. Check with GP/Practice Nurse if you are still worried about baby. Can you work from home or take extended maternity leave? I can't see what else DH can do at the moment. I imagine you are mentally taking your frustration out on him rather than baby, as baby is the one giving you sleepless nights.

girlmom21 · 01/08/2022 20:09

People who are saying YABU are ridiculous.
Once baby is fed DH can take him.
Will he settle with movement so in a sling or pram or car?

Have you considered expressing?

girlmom21 · 01/08/2022 20:09

Sorry I just saw baby won't take a bottle so ignore the expressing comment

Anna783426 · 01/08/2022 20:09

I remember 9 months being particularly tough, mine was teething big time and it made sleep so so hard. I breastfed until 18 months and they started sleeping a lot better at about a year. I made my husband cosleep from that point so I could get some rest.

I completely get the resentment and the hatred - totally had it with my first and have no doubt it will return for my second. My mantra was that everything was just a phase, and this too would pass. Made it slightly easier but it's still exhausting. It's not your fault, or your husband's, it's just bloody hard.

JosephineGH · 01/08/2022 20:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maray1967 · 01/08/2022 20:10

I’ll probably get flamed on here by breastfeeding mums but this sounds horrendous. I had DS(1) sleeping 7 hours at night from 8 weeks and Ds(2) from 5 months. There is no way I could have gone back to work in this situation.
If you have to/ want to work then you’re going to have to get baby off the breast, I would have thought. I think you’ll have to persevere with dad and bottle with you nowhere near so he can’t smell the milk. If you don’t work weekends try this on a Friday night. It will be probably tough going at first but surely he’ll feed when he’s hungry? There must be a way of doing this otherwise how do mums who are working manage?

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 01/08/2022 20:13

Totally disagree that babies should sleep through the night by 9 months. Certainly not true of many, many babies. Great if it happens but doesn't for many of us. I also personally would never consider cc.
What worked for us as my DD was a terrible sleeper as a baby and was also breastfed was shift sleeping. We worked out the points she would settle better, so for us, I would wake my DH at 4/5am and he'd take her until he left for work which normally gave me a minimum of 2-3 hours solid uninterrupted sleep on top of whatever else I'd managed earlier in the night. Weekends we did the same and Id lie in till around 9/10 depending on how long she could stretch for feed. Not ideal but it was enough to keep me going and definitely felt a more shared endeavor.

BuffaloCauliflower · 01/08/2022 20:13

@Topgub very bad, dangerous advice. Milk is the main nutrition until 12 months, babies need breastmilk or formula until then. It’s not advised to stop milk during the night until 12 months either if baby is waking for it

OP - it’s hard. It’s bloody hard. I had a breastfed only, only settle with boob baby too, and it’s hard when it’s all on you. It won’t be like this forever. Can your husband do more in the evening so you can get some extra sleep in then? Or in the mornings on days you don’t have to be up for work?

Whadda · 01/08/2022 20:14

user1471459761 · 01/08/2022 20:02

YABU. Please be kind to yourself and your husband. This will pass! But for the future, you need to wean your child so he is not dependent solely on you for comfort. Unfortunately though sometimes only mummy will do! Treasure that time!

If a man posted that he hated his wife and wanted to punch her because their baby was crying, would you tell him to be kind to himself?

BuffaloCauliflower · 01/08/2022 20:14

@Maray1967 that’s very lucky for you, your babies are in the small minority.

HOTHotPeppers · 01/08/2022 20:16

I work and have a very bad sleeping 13mo. I breastfeed through the night sometimes but she's not that arsed about milk, just hates sleep. You kind of just adjust to it. It gets easier. You know there's nothing he can do, but it doesn't make it any easier. Have you tried safely cosleeping? I do that after she wakes up in the night, I'd rather not but something is better than nothing!

BuffaloCauliflower · 01/08/2022 20:16

8-10 months is also some of the hardest for sleep, there’s so much going on developmentally. Being able to quickly soothe with breastfeeding is probably making it easier knowing what some friends had to do to get their babies to sleep in that period

ButSrsly · 01/08/2022 20:16

Quite honestly, stories like this are the exact reason why breastfeeding just held absolutely zero appeal to me. Every single person I know who did it hated it for one reason or another, often because they felt glued to their baby 24/7. The benefits just never outweighed the potential negatives imo.

But anyway, your 9 month old doesn't need feeding through the night. I don't think it's necessarily abnormal that he doesn't sleep through yet I'm sure lots don't but he really doesn't need to be breastfeeding through the night at 9 months old. Personally I'd work to get him off the breast and onto a bottle and work on some form of gentle sleep training.

It's not your husbands fault but I can sympathize with the wanting to smother them as they sleep peacefully next to you!

Topgub · 01/08/2022 20:17

@BuffaloCauliflower

They don't need it overnight if they're getting enough food and nutrition during the day.

Op is exhausted.

Its ok for her to stop bf now.

Suzi888 · 01/08/2022 20:17

I didn’t vote as can understand that you must feel down. It can be exhausting even if you haven’t bf, DM delights in telling me that I woke up every two hours to drink my bottle and took and hour to drink it🙄🤭so she was exhausted. She was also battling an infection at the time and my dad worked full time and quite frankly WW3 wouldn’t have woken him.
DD had reflux /colic and screamed from around 5-11pm every night then woke up regularly throughout the night and I was an older mum….

But anyway, it will pass. It may take awhile but it will get better I promise.

HOTHotPeppers · 01/08/2022 20:19

Also sometimes the only way once she's had milk and still won't settle is DH taking her downstairs for an hour, abit of teletubbies then she seems to drift back off. She won't settle like that for me but she will for DH.

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 20:19

My husband isn’t home in the evenings to do bedtime so it’s me trying to do it alone and also be able to spend time with older one. It’s so hard.

I do co sleep when he wakes up but I miss sleeping in bed with my husband and I just need a few nights of solid sleep. Husband has gone in and slept with him a few times and some times it successful sometimes not. We both don’t want to do any controlled crying.

OP posts: