So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

Was it his choice for you to breastfeed? Is it his fault you won't try cry it out?

Breastfeeding isn't some exotic life choice the OP has made to be awkward, it's what the majority of us should be doing where we can, and CIO is just shit and no-one who doesn't want to do it should be pressured to. HTH.

OP, you have a job too, or does he not care whether his child is cared for or not? He needs to help more.

Wrong. The majority of us 'should' be doing whatever suits us, our mental health and our lifestyles - ie fitting feeding in with having to be up at night and go to work/function fully the next day.

The OP's choices are her own and no-one has the right to tell her how she 'should' be feeding her baby.

I’ve been there! I eventually decided to stop working completely. I don’t regret it as husband increased his earnings. Is that something you could do? Your husband is not the problem, your job is.

At time for you to stop breast feeding. In fact you should have stopped it before you want back to work.
If you got your baby use to a bottle before now you could have a night sleep.

What you need to do now is get a bottle, express milk and tell your husband he can stay up with the baby Fri night and have the baby for the whole weekend.

Let him keep giving the baby the bottle. You stay away from the baby was because he/she can smell you and breast milk.
It time for your husband to deal with the baby. It time for that baby to be off the breast as well.
When your baby knows mammy will keep feeding him/her they will keep looking for it. No Brest milk and they will drink from a bottle or cup. Yes they will cry but it time to stop having them latched on to you every night. No wonder your tired and pissed off.

He told you to go to your parents, go.
It will be better for all of you.

Why doesn't your baby have a cot? I think you need to get a proper cot, not a mattress on the floor, and set a firm nighttime routine.

At time for you to stop breast feeding. In fact you should have stopped it before you want back to work.

She doesn't need to stop if she doesn't want to. She can night wean and continue to feed in the morning and evening, even while at work. You don't have any authority on what she 'should' do here.

Oh op, that sounds so tough for you. You know you are being sort of unreasonable but your feelings are also totally understandable. I had 2 babies who didn't sleep well and wouldn't take a bottle and those were probably the two hardest years of my life so far, and definitely affected my mental health. I can remember with my second at one point looking at my sleeping husband and thinking I'd never really understood what true jealousy was until then! I ended up sleeping in another room for a couple of months partly because of it!

How are you managing with work if baby wont take a bottle? Sorry if I've missed any details of how long / where you work etc, but I'm wondering if the baby is getting worse at night because they are not getting milk in the day?

With my first I was going back to work at 6 months and she wouldn't take a bottle at all so about a month earlier I basically had to go cold turkey on breastfeeding her. We had a hellish day or so which i still feel a bit guilty about but after that she was fine on the bottle and we could start sharing things more equally, accepting help from my parents etc too. With ds we managed to change things a bit more gradually but it took a lot of determination from dh to persevere trying to give him a bottle (which basically came after we went to the gp about pnd and they pointed out how bad bring this exhausted was for me).

With dd we also did controlled crying when she was one and wished we'd done it sooner. It's so hard but we built up the time we were leaving her for very slowly and within about 3 nights she was sleeping through for the first time, which made a huge difference for us all! Again with ds although sleeping was bad at first it seemed to sort itself out more gradually with a gentler push from us, so different things work for different parents and babies.

There's no easy answer, but you can't carry on like this, especially when you are working, have another child to think of and have to do all the evening childcare yourself. Could your dh have another go with bottle and settling him but chose a time he has a day off work, and you and other child stay elsewhere maybe?

This isn’t your DH fault, by your own admission you have been lazy, your words. You can turn this around by stopping breastfeeding and co-sleeping, you have established a bad routine that needs to be broken with controlled crying and no milk in the middle of the night. A tough few weeks will be worth it in the long run, controlled crying works and doesn’t do babies any harm.

It's changed from your DH being "very understanding" to being a "useless prick". Is that just the exhaustion talking? Or were you lying to yourself when you said how understanding he's being?

I have a baby and haven't had a full night sleep in a year. But when it gets too much j try to find something to help reset...even if you get a friend over and then you nap for the afternoon.

I would honestly try Lucy Woolf method. It's tough but it really works. And you stay with your baby the whole time.

Your focused on the breastfeeding element but honestly even if you got him on the bottle...I don't know how big your house is but I found that once baby woke up...I was awake so even if DH went in with a bottle I was just lying awake next door anyway. The focus needs to be on encouraging baby to need less from you at night. My baby still wakes at night but only once..its manageable....don't worry about what they should be doing by thus age or any bollocks like that...the only thing that matters is can you cope with the current situation or does it need to change. And it sounds like it v much does. Whatever you do will be tough but I promise there are things you can try that don't require leaving baby to cry

Hallamus

Breastfeeding isn't some exotic life choice the OP has made to be awkward, it's what the majority of us should be doing where we can, and CIO is just shit and no-one who doesn't want to do it should be pressured to. HTH.

But her DH is being blamed & OP is really cross with him. I'm not sure he would have been asked about feeding but is now at fault.

What the OP is describing is what put me off breast feeding - I was back at work quickly with both & couldn't face a full day teaching plus long days with marking and parents evening etc with lack of sleep.

I never did CIO but did do a routine. But at this stage OP needs a solution & for a few difficult nights she may find that the problem can be solved. My feeling is that often the needs of the mother aren't always considered.

I breastfed my 4 and none wanted to take a bottle. The only way to introduce it was for their father to give them a bottle when I was out of the house.

Once they started, i was able to combi feed.

I coslept with mine and that meant we all slept well. (We have a super king sized bed so was easy)

👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿. I agree 100%.

He’s either understanding or useless? I think you’re being unreasonable. The obvious answer is to stop breastfeeding, but that’s your choice. Baby knows you’ll give in and feed so won’t stop crying

The thing is a man who said that would feel he has a "reason" to say so too!. Its an irrational thought and shouldnt be encouraged!

This was 16 years ago but my baby hadn't slept through for 8 months. I had had a 4 day labour so had never caught up. I was on my knees. I went to the HV.
She said does he eat well in the day? Yes.
Then he doesn't need night feeds.
Your husband has to get up with him so he doesn't smell you. Offer him water.
I think within 2 days it was fixed. However he had been getting to sleep himself and he did take a bottle but the point was he didn't need the night feed.
Good luck. Maybe try on a day with your dh is off the next day so no excuses
From him.

Agree with this. It's you not him. How dare you feel like punching him? Imagine if he said that of you. I get that you are frustrated but then you have choices around that. You need to get him on the bottle. He will take it, if there is no other option. Get your dh to give it to him, and you be out of the house. Just do this for a while and he will take it.

I don't think all the judgmental "stop breastfeeding/sleep train" comments are necessarily very helpful. Perhaps the OP wants to breastfeed and doesn't believe in sleeping training and just wants to vent.

She can't have it both ways then. Complaining about something but not wanting to change anything. The baby is eating very well according to her, so a change might be needed wrt to feeding choices.

@Mally100 Agree 100%. You can't have it both ways. Breastfeeding and lack of sleep training clearly isn't working for the OP or her family, so she has to want to make changes in order for things to improve.

Sounds like you have a great husband who’s a good father.

No babies should not be sleeping through. Babies are all different sleeping is a stage, like walking, crawling and weaning.

My Son was tiny when born lots of issues BF then mixed the diagnosed with a cows milk allergy. I was miserable and snappy also!

DS didn't start sleeping better until around 12 months. If baby wants milk then goes back to sleep OP can't be doing controlled crying.

OP just coming back to say try to ignore those rushing to be judgmental. I'm sure most people understand that you are venting and upset and don't really intend to punch your husband or hate him. As I said, I've never known jealousy like looking at him sleep I those days, it really made me feel so angry and resentful!

And it's not all your fault! If he only tries to soothe the baby for 20min before giving up he's not exactly Mr perfect! Breastfeeding is a perfectly normal natural decision and the issues you've faced with not getting combined feeding to work are common to many bf parents I know. Your post does show you are at the point where for your own good you need to try changing something, but both of you do, it's not your fault.

Oh and I wouldn't call yourself lazy for not doing bottles when dh was in work- most people wouldn't in the early days. I also had ideas about combination feeding when pregnant, but the thought of breast pumping my already sore boobs and faffing with bottles exhausted when I could just breastfeed - it's only mumsnet super mums who manage that I'm sure! And yes i paid the price in terms of bottle refusal later but I still doubt I'd anage to keep up doing it differently in the early days.

A great husband and a good father who says all the right things but when push comes to shove can't manage more than 20 minutes with a crying baby when his wife's desperate?

OP, please don't listen to those who are blaming you and your baby for not "crying it out" or sleep training, and saying that you have got into bad habits with breastfeeding your child. Fucking hell. I literally can't believe what I'm reading with some of these posts but it's not the first time I've read things like: OP "my husband isn't helping me at night" MN "it's your fault for not leaving your baby to cry and still breastfeeding at 9 months (shock horror)".

OP, I'm a bit confused as you've spoken about your husband differently in this thread at different points - mind you, I've had exactly the same "I'd be better off single" thoughts at 1am when my partner is snoring away. However, you've said he's saying he only lasted 20 minutes trying to settle the baby. You are both working, not just him, so night time needs to be a team effort even more so. He's a chef, not a brain surgeon. He needs to be supporting you at night if he isn't.

Get yourself onto the beyond sleep training page today. Sleep training your baby is not your only option and if your husband really isn't supportive then your baby is not the problem, nor is breastfeeding.

Short term, you need to catch up on some sleep to help you to think clearly. Whens his next day off? He needs to take baby and give you the day to rest.

He offered for you to go to a friend's. I don't see that as someone that doesn't care. I think tiredness is clouding your judgement but you really can't use it as an excuse to be so cruel.