So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

Currently on mat leave with newborn so I totally get it but YABU OP (sorry)
sending all the good sleep vibes for tonight though

@Topgub that is your opinion, it’s not supported by the infant feeding specialists. Breastfeeding is also often the quickest and easiest way to get a baby back to sleep, I know friends who tried nightweaning and found they were then rocking and singing for hours at night instead of a quick 15 minute breastfeed. Stopping isn’t a solve all.

There’s enough men out there abusing and killing their wives for anyone to care about your whatabouttery

only a MRA would be upset by what OP has written

The only solution is to stop night feeds. Nutritionally your baby doesn’t need it. I say this as someone who breastfed both mine until about 18 months but weaned them off the night feeds at about 6-7 months

I'd recommend Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Dr Richard Ferber. It honestly saved me.

Definitely worth a full read but page 72 has the good stuff.

OP, in these circumstances I would stop feeding at night and use controlled crying techniques when he wakes up (with DH on board so you are doing it together). I know not everyone will agree with this, but that's what I'd do. You can continue to breastfeed during the day.

@Timeforanewnamenow it’s really not advised to nightwean before 12 months, and doing so during the 8-10 months developmental leap is likely to make nights even harder for OP

Where did you get your info?

I do think there comes a stage / age where breastfeeding every time they wake because it's 'quickest and easiest' has the potential to lead to more issues though. Surely all you are doing is teaching baby that whenever they wake up they will get milk. If I'd have given mine as babies a bottle every time they woke up I'm fairly sure they'd have been waking in the night for a lot longer / more often than they were.

Your husband needs to work very hard to give your older child lots of time and attention. IME this is one thing he can do to really help. If he can get home to do bed time with older child this will pay dividends.

All the best op, I guess it's part of having children. I know that's not much help, all the best and positivity. And as others said it's hardly your dh, fault, I have a colleague, who at times seems to just engage rage, so to speak, even if it was not my error and when they discussed the issues I was like , it's not my responsibility ect yet I was their frustrations for some reason,

FFS.

Utterly laughable response.

So, in your world, a woman disagreeing with another’s POV is an MRA? How do you actually function in society?

Still, so much out there about the benefits of breastfeeding and how amazing it all is.

Yes, it can be amazing. But my god, it doesn't half get brushed under the carpet when you want to stop and you feel like you can't. I won't be breastfeeding my third child for very long at all for this very reason.

As others have said OP, and I think you know - it isn't your partner's fault. He sounds like he is doing bits and pieces when he can. But I totally understand the rage, particularly during the middle of the night when you are up again and he's sleeping soundly.

I know you say you don't want to do controlled crying, but the crux of this is, you have to do something. Be that putting baby on a bottle, gentle sleep training, whatever. Otherwise, nothing will change. You have to want to put the work in to make it change - don't expect some sort of magical fix.

I feel for you. I hope you're ok. You are doing a great job!

Not to say that you should never feed during the night. But every time they wake up because it's easiest? I don't know, sounds like a quick way to prolonged sleepless nights to me.

You might not want to do CC but it might just save your sanity.

Go out with your older one. Leave baby with dad and bottles of EBM. Baby will take it once they realise you aren't there. You might need to give it a wee while out the house but once you've broken that milk = always mum association you might just be able to give baby to your husband for a bottle but you will have to tough it out initially.

@BuffaloCauliflower

How will that help op?

You can still share the nights when breastfeeding. I wbf both my children. Me and dh shared the night. He also worked long hours.

this is what we did, it may or may not be of use to you:
kept babies in a cot in our room until 1 yr old. My parents did the same with me and my siblings and it was assumed we would and it is far, far easier.
when baby stirred I sat up, picked them up and breastfed. No standing up and walking to a different room as they were next to me in their cot. Baby doesnt get to point of crying so no need to settle them down.
when they'd finished feeding I gently woke my dh and he settled them back to sleep. Because id literally just fed a baby, i fell back to sleep immediately.

We sleep trained at 9 months, both times. I'd reached my limit. Best thing we ever did- for us all. Still BFd during the day until they were 1+. But the nights became a no-feed-zone and my DP went in to settle if they woke (and during the sleep training.) I would strongly advise you to do this. It sounds like your mental (and physical) health is really creaking and relationship suffering- neither of which is good for your baby (or for anyone else, of course, but the logic of BFing selflessly all night is all about the baby but there are many other more important factors in their wellbeing in the long-run!)

Not sure if it has been mentioned (did scroll through) but what solids is he eating at 9 months?

My ds refused bottles but at 10mo I managed to get him to guzzle down a cup of formula before a short bedtime bf and he started sleeping through. It was awesome!
I’d strongly advise cup training asap.

Sending support and soliditary. Some v unsupportive comments here. People forgot how exhausting and challenging the first couple of years are. Nothing more frustrating than a bloke having a nice long 8 hour sleep while you're up all night dealing with all sorts.

I would try to night wean him if you can. Just gradually decreasing his dependency on your boobs for comfort at night. Baby doesn't need milk for nutrition over night at thus stage but so so many babies love a bit of boob and comfort overnight. Of course they do! But there are steps you can make to help him resettle without needing feeding. Don't worry about getting him on the bottle overnight as at this age just work on reducing the dependency on milk overnight entirely. I found Lucy Woolfe book v helpful

@Orangeblossomfield

From all the countless babies who dont feed overnight at 9 months?

And from lots of bottle refuses who took milk from a cup.

Both my babies EBF and the second won’t take a bottle. I sleep trained at 8m (controlled crying) with my second as he would only “breast sleep” and I just wasn’t functioning. Best thing I did for our family.

Can people stop peddling the myth that babies this age don't need feeding overnight? Some do. They're all different. I have 2 DDs, both bf, no bottles. DD1 slept through 10 pm to 7.30 from 10 weeks. DD2 needed a feed twice a night until almost 1. How did I know she needed it? Because she'd fully drain both sides in 15 minutes flat.
I didn't night wean until she started falling asleep when my milk let down. And even then there are kinder methods than controlled crying - I used pick up/put down and it took 3 nights, then DD2 slept through (apart from when she was ill).