So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

Sleep training worked here in the sense that we have started showing the baby how we put her teddies to bed and stroke them and sing lullabies. So now when she has had her fill of boob she was come off, lie down and stroke her teddy as I stroke her. But have never done anything like controlled crying, pick up put down or cry it out because they're not for me.

Hi OP, i'm just horrified at the lack of support you're getting from some people on this thread, and in real life considering your MH condition.

I found from 6-12 month some of the worst for sleep with my little boy, we breastfed and he stopped taking a bottle, we also didn't want to sleeptrain.

Do you have anyone who could take the children for a day when you're off work (you mention parents do some childcare)? I used to send my boy to my MIL once a week from 6 months old and it did me so much good to just have a day to decompress and do whatever i needed to do. It also helped with weaning from breastfeeding which wasn't my intention but i found it helpful - he didn't take the bottle with her and so just stopped having breastmilk during the day and moved on to cows milk. I then just stopped feeding him for naps where possible.

At nights we alternated wakes - i would go for the first and feed and then my husband would try to settle him for the second and if not i'd go and feed him. We then started cosleeping more often too. Gradually it got better but it was hard.

Is some time off work possible? Maybe if you spoke with the GP you could get some time signed off.

Wishing you all the best x

I’ve literally only Started my job 3 weeks ago and I’ve already had so much time off because of sickness bugs etc. I will be ok. I’m just having a bad few days. I do want to start weaning off the boob though as I’d like to go back on my meds.

Which sleep training have you done? You know there's many many many many options that don't involve "cry it out" (I have no issue with that, I did controlled crying myself) but I have many friends who did no cry sleep training. So why does it not work for you exactly? You don't want to teach your children how to go to sleep without you? Ok.

Stop talking to me like I’m an idiot. I know what sleep training is and I’ve tried a few different methods and they don’t work for us. I’m happy to feed to sleep, my first I never sleep trained and she’s fine. I just want some bloody help off my husband. So he needs to persevere with the bottles.

Well said.

Well said OP. All children learn how to go to sleep independently on their own timeline. It's a very western idea you need to teach this and only from parents who don't want to parent in the night!

There is a great Facebook Group called Biologically Normal Infant and Toddler Sleep. Really reccomend.

Some of the advice about withdrawing night feeds here doesn't sit right with me. This is baby's main source of nutrition until 1.

My advice is to co-sleep and hang in there.

The feelings towards your husband are also normal!

Hmm I'm all for baby and mum being happy.. who care how baby is fed. However breast is best isn't bullshit

@newtb

why would a baby have a bad dream due to a full bladder ?

@1982mommaof4

its not best if it’s having such a detrimental effect on the OP and making her resent her husband is it

@LuckySantangelo35 like I said mum/ baby being happy is the most important. I was referring to your comment that breast is best is BS... it's not BS

@1982mommaof4

its isn’t a case of breast is best here though is it?

Because breastfeeding is making op miserable.

So she should stop

end of

Because breastfeeding is making op miserable. So she should stop

Its not BFing that's making her miserable, but lack of sleep. She can night wean, thus solving her problems.

Rather than telling her she 'should stop', which is not anyone's place on this thread and and not required to solve the problem.

This☝️

@TheKeatingFive

@1982mommaof4

ok well stop breastfeeding at night then.

Baby will cry and not like that.

Op doesn’t seem to want to tolerate that in order to make life better for herself

thats not her husbands fault

Could you offer some practical solutions?

Yes i will.

baby will take a bottle in the night if he is hungry and there is no alternative. Dad goes in with bottle every other night. Dad doeS not give up after twenty minutes.

This. Absolutely this. And if he cannot get it to work in one night I would honestly go away for two night so you are out of the house and there is no alternative.

i had two breastfed, who continued bfing until 22 months and 2 and a half yrs. my dh was not a spare part at night or any other time. He was an equal parent. He would change and settle after a night time feed, or bottle feed if I was out / away or give them alternatives. Try a cup even. Neither ever took a bottle from me.

Dad goes in with bottle every other night.

Actually I don't think that's sensible. The baby needs consistency.

I would suggest no more milk at night. Baby can have water, Dad goes in to comfort, he does that it for a week to break the association with mum and milk at night and then they share wakeups in the future. Hopefully baby's sleep improves, sleep training could also be used in time.

Mum can continue BFing morning and evening when back in work.

I agree, I meant @BuffaloCauliflower as she wasn't providing anything helpful, just trashing everyone for suggesting sleep training and night weaning

I completely agree to that OPs DP giving up after 20 minutes is absolutely pathetic

I wish there was an ESH option - you aren't being fully supported and you aren't asking for enough.

Is there a reason you had to return to work or could you wait a bit until baby is 1 yr and then return?

As for the sleep thing - would any of the grandparents agree to stay and let you go elsewhere to just sleep for a couple of nights?

As for the bottle thing - if baby is eating solids / baby foods just stop offering him the breast - you can pump if you don't have a stockup in the freezer and offer him bottles. Make yourself scarce (aka leave - go somewhere ) and his only option will be bottle or hungry [mine fought it for 4 whole hours then gave in].

As for meds, if you can afford formula stop breastfeeding / don't pump and ask doctor for meds back. If you can't afford formula check your stock and see if you could get through 3 months with anything frozen. Join the baby clubs (enfamil, similar, gerber all have baby clubs and they will ship you free 'samples' - they are still shipping me them and my youngest is 3! I take it to a women's shelter)

My God. I don't see anyone being wrong for suggesting OP should stop BF. Place? It's a forum and people have advise and suggestions all the time. OP is miserable and she doesn't have to continue just so she say I breast fed my baby..... mean while everything else went to shit. People who have suggested she stop it's because they think it's better than her losing her marriage and sanity.

It is NOT because they are against BF.

Baby won't have bottles so get your husband to try using a cup instead. Go away for the weekend and let him out baby to sleep, he's a parent too. And I'd you want to go back in your meds then use that weekend as your opportunity to stop breasfeeding. Baby has had 9 months of mothers milk, a good start to life.

You’re supposed to go in and reassure him before he gets to that state. Then leave again and repeat going back and reassure. Firm but kind.