So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

Oh OP I totally understand how you feel, my DS is 10 months, Dh has never helped with nights as exclusive Bf and baby refused the bottle.Things have just started to improve after lots of persistent trying with bottles, you are doing amazingly and your feelings are completely justified, but please don’t listen when people tell you your baby should be sleeping through. Lots of BF babies still need to feed though the night at that age but I understand it is very hard, I hope you get the rest you deserve soon 💐

Fuck me, some of these responses. It's actually quite sad to hear phrases such as 'set boundaries', 'stop responding to every whim' as well as many saying that a 9 month old should be sleeping through the night and not needing a feed. It's a baby! A 9 month old is not manipulating you. As an aside - I reckon in a few years time there will be more knowledge about the negative effects that this attitude can have in terms of long term impact on small babies.

OP, I have a baby too, he is just a month older than yours. Unfortunately breastfeeding didn't work out for us so I can't relate on that front but he most definitely does NOT sleep through the night and wakes needing a bottle 1-2 times in the night. I would be very interested to see a credible source that states a baby should not be feeding or waking during the night at this age. Some will, some won't. They are all different! You are doing nothing wrong and neither is your baby.

I totally understand about resenting your partner. I do the night wakings because our baby always settles better for me and he gets up in the morning so I can have more sleep before he goes to work. He does this thing when our little one wakes up crying in the night where he will go 'shhhh' whilst still asleep (apparently has no idea he's doing it) as if that will make any difference and I could quite happily put a pillow over his face! Your husband sounds like a decent guy from what you've said. You'll get through it - like some others have said try to remember that it will pass, probably a lot sooner than you think.

I can't remember if you said you co-sleep or not. If you are happy to try it may be worth a go and get you all the most sleep. We have done it from our baby being about 3 days old. Again it's not for everyone but certainly has enabled us to get more sleep.

Glad to hear you are trying bottles and your husband is going to be taking over for a bit - really hope this is the solution you are looking for. It must be so difficult with having work too.

I'd also recommend having a look at the 'Beyond Sleep Training Project' on facebook. I've asked them for advice a couple of times and have had some helpful responses which have been balanced and taking into account everyone in the picture.

Good luck!

Oh OP. I have been you except my baby wouldn’t even eat solids until they were 14mth old.

The method I recommend is Jay Gordon - gentle sleep training in the family bed. This is a wonderful method and usually takes 3/4 days to work. You basically start by picking the 6hrs you want to sleep (for me it was 1200-0600) & gradually you extend this. Felt like a new woman after 2 weeks. Honestly.

I would also have a look at Gentle Sleep Family on Instagram. It will give you an idea of the very wide spectrum of what is ‘normal’ in infant sleep. 9/10m is a big development phase and sleep is often very fractured. I work with a lot of families with babies your age and most do not sleep more than 6/7 hrs at a stretch.

i wish you lots of luck.

Also like to add none of mine slept through at this age, so completely normal ... hope you are sound asleep

He lasted 20 minutes. Honestly if I hadn’t been crying all day I could cry again.

It’s bloody hard. My first slept through at six weeks but at six months it went to pot and she basically fed to sleep on my boob every time she woke. It was horrendous. She was waking all the time.

i tried controlled crying. She vomited. 😢

This is what I did. Fed her, kissed her then I lay her in her cot. I lay down beside the cot. She cried. Ignore. When there is a break in the crying say ‘shhh shhh shhhh sleepy time’. Baby will start crying immediately. There will be another break. Say the same thing as above. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Once asleep creep out of the room. When they wake during the night do exactly the same as above. No cuddling touching etc.

It takes quite a while to work (just over a week from memory). Eventually she would fall asleep after just one go of me saying shh shh shh sleepy time.

WTF

Both mine had a period of that. What really helped me was just to accept the situation, rather than let thoughts that the wee buggers were put on this earth to ruin my life enter my mind.
It was a time to invoke "this too shall pass".
I didn't play as such, just did something quiet, keeping the lights low.

And yes I did get angry at times and sob and wish I'd bitten the bullet and done controlled crying. But once I got some more sleep I knew it would get better.

And it did. One has left home and the other is 13 and sleeps well!

I do like to think that me 'allowing' them to sleep through when they were ready was that it meant we never had those nights of them trying to delay bed time, or arsing around going up and down stairs asking for drinks, or worried about things under the bed etc. Once they got it that was it.

YABU to make breastfeeding as an excuse. None of mine ever had a bottle but my oh did his fair share and took over when I needed a break.

He sleeps on a double mattress with a gate around it, so we can sleep with him if we need to.

Maybe he would settle better in a cot as it's higher up and more cosy? Does he have baby sleeping bag to keep him cosy?

Is he getting too much daytime sleep? He might just not be tired enough to stay asleep?

You need to persevere with bottle or try sippy cup like others suggested.

You need to prioritise your well-being and try letting him cry. I didn't use this method but lots are suggesting it. You will be a better Mum in the long run.

🫣🫣🫣

Oh yes, memories. It will pass 💐

Sure @BuffaloCauliflower 🙄

Doing such things to our babies! Let’s all clutch our pearls too and shout “won’t someone think of the children!”

When you’re on your knees with exhaustion with a baby who never stops screaming unless attached to your nipple, come back to me. I was a much better mother and person once I’d got longer than an hour’s sleep at a time.

We tried every gentle method in the book first and then didn’t leave her to scream on her own all night long. We checked on her every two minutes. And I still fed her every 4 hours. She’s now the loveliest 6 year old I’ve ever met.

I’m all honesty though, I wish I had stopped breastfeeding sooner. I stopped when dd turned 2, before that she never slept longer than 1.5 hours. Hell.

Why are you getting up at 7.30? That’s when it’s your turn to sleep.

You don’t need to do breakfast. He gets himself cereal and toast and you emerge after you’ve had a decent sleep

I started a message and got interrupted so don't know if I'm repeating myself - can't find it!

There's been a huge amount of bull posted on this thread, presumably a lot of it but mothers who didn't breastfeed. Someone said they'd never heard positive experiences - well here's one, times 3!! I totally loved breastfeeding and would recommend that every mum should at least try it! I went in with an open mind when I had my first and it just worked for us! I won't deny getting the latch right in the beginning was tricky, but I'm way too lazy for bottles and all that malarkey! I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public, so I didn't. There was always a way around it. I bf my first two babies until they were 1. Only stopped feeding DD1 because I wanted to get pregnant again (hadn't heard of tandem feeding or anything like that back then!) and DD2 when my asthma flared up and my GP convinced me that I needed steroids, so I had to stop. Same happened with DC3, but armed with more information by then, I refused.

So, DS was breastfed until he broke my heart by rejecting me when he was 22 months old! I went back to work f/t when he was 10 months and I embarked on a Masters degree shortly after.

I suppose because I wasn't around to bf him during the day, he fed several times a night. I thought the exhaustion might kill me! The only way I coped was to co-sleep. I'd latch him on and fall asleep, often waking to him fast asleep and one boob hanging out! I also put him onto a sippy cup during the day and dispensed with bottles altogether. I wish I'd thought of it when I was battling with my two daughters to get them to take a bottle.

Breastfeeding paid off in spades (well, I like to think it did) because all three children were rarely sick. The younger two must have only had one tummy bug right through primary school. Not one of them ever had an ear infection.

I would never have done controlled crying, and I'm sorry I stopped breastfeeding my daughters sooner than I would have liked. They're all still pretty healthy, and in the age range 18-25.

I'd never suggest to any mum that she should stop breastfeeding unless she's ready to do it. My DH wasn't that supportive either, and I was 42 by the time I finished breastfeeding my son.

You need to find ways to make it work for you. I slept a lot at weekends - because my son didn't feed really during the day, I could sleep then. Someone suggested a dummy - I wasn't keen on the things to begin with anyway but I had three dummy refusers!

Please don't listen to the negative nellies who say that your baby doesn't need night feeds at 9 months - clearly yours does, even if it's just for comfort. DH was banished to another bedroom - he's a snorey type and many a time I could have cheerfully smothered him for that!! There's no 'one size fits all' - no two babies are the same.

Presumably if you are back at work, you have childcare in place? Maybe increase that so you can sleep. You just need to be creative in finding ways of catching up on sleep, that's all. Lack of sleep is torture, there's no doubt, and I 100% get how you'd resent your DH, because this sacrifice is all yours - but these are precious times and you need to be well rested enough to savour them.

A lot of the posts here have made me so cross!! Keep the faith. Before you know it, he will be all grown up and like me, you will be left wondering where all those precious years went. Hope you can figure things out xx

ΟP, I think in short term you need some immediate respite. My suggestion: get your husband to take 1 or 2 days off work, so that he takes over childcare duties completely and you sleep. Spend 2 days in bed. I mean it. Get your husband to bring baby to breastfeed if you must (although at 9 months, it's not strictly necessary) and then go back to sleep (with earplugs and eye mask on). If you can enlist someone else's help too, get it. Nanny, baby sitter, GPs.

Meanwhile also express and spend a few days trying to get the baby to take the bottle. Well dad can try too. At 9 months he should be weaned though, so he's getting most of his nutrients from solids. Nothing will happen if he misses a few feeds. I speak as someone with a 17 and 14 YEAR old and a super demanding job. They will be fine. I too breastfed, but stopped at 8-9 months.

Once your 2-3 day respite ends introduce a shift pattern with you husband re night waking. You alternate every 2 days (so you both get a rest) and split the weekend. Don't fall for "I have to go to work tomorrow". You do too. I never worked harder andI was never more exhausted than when I was on maternity leave with my first. (I had a nanny in place with the second, so it was easier).

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you're not doing anyone any favours by being exhausted. So prioritise yourself for a bit and everything will fall into place. You got this!

I haven’t read all the answers in the thread but I’ve read yours. I followed the Little Ones sleep program and it was fantastic!! Takes lots of implementation for a few weeks but then something clicked and my child slept so well! It’s worth a shot if you are dog tired

I’m so done. I fucking hate him. I’ll be better off single.

Why not go to friends like he suggests for a night or two. Baby will probably settle better if he knows you aren’t there. I was very suddenly seriously ill in hospital when dd was 9m old and away from home for several weeks and she was fine.

WaterMelancholy

I’m so done. I fucking hate him. I’ll be better off single.

YABVU

Was it his choice for you to breastfeed? Is it his fault you won't try cry it out?

I agree you need to get someone to take baby for couple of days so you can sleep as you sound exhausted.

Can you afford a sleep consultant? Or a day for baby in childcare so you get a day to rest?

No, you don't and you wouldn't. You just need to find a way to make his support count, and so that you can get some sleep. His being a chef makes that difficult. Do you have any family members who could support you, or close friends? xx

Well lucky you. 🙄 Op doesn’t come across as making an excuse rather than just explaining her situation.

Completely agree!

He doesn’t support me. He’s playing the whole “well I have a job” card he’s a useless prick.