Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

280 replies

WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 19:57

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
HOTHotPeppers · 02/08/2022 11:09

If you want to carry on breastfeeding there's nothing wrong with that, if you don't want to do cry it out, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You have NOT made any rods for your own back, that's ridiculous. To quote the commonly used mumsnet phrase 'you have a husband problem, not a baby problem'. Your baby is doing what babies do, your husband needs to help you! As I said before my husband takes baby downstairs if needed, sometimes for 2 or so hours. 20 minutes is taking the piss. You need to have a calm and serious word about him helping you. I agree that a good start would be taking both children out on his day off to give you a reset.

TheOrigRights · 02/08/2022 11:13

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 11:00

No

Show quote history

I'm sorry. No wonder you are resentful.

This is the main issue isn't it? If he enabled you to catch up with sleep I think you'd be OK, wouldn't you.

You said you had a good talk about it yesterday.
What are his reasons for not enabling you to sleep?
I am not judging, I am empathising.

The problem is not your baby.

bumpytrumpy · 02/08/2022 11:16

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:37

I don’t mind co sleeping and not sleep training. That’s absolutely fine, I’m happy to ride it out as long as it takes. I just want some help, seeing as my husband doesn’t want to sleep train either, I feel like he could help at night or in the mornings. Even then, I only ask for help on his days off, not on days he is working.

This is the real problem.

Breast v bottle is a red herring.

Can you sit down together and have a sensible conversation about where your life is going? How much money do you need? Who is best places to earn it? Who is going to look after the kids outside childcare etc etc. You should be a team, making joint decisions on how your family will be run. If you cannot do any of this then that's a sign there are bigger issues than breast v bottle.

StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 11:22

Breast v bottle is a red herring

Agree. Maybe giving up BF'ing during the night may allow OPs husband to help more but that only works if he'd actually help.

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 11:23

He won’t talk to me now. I think our marriage is over. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Mally100 · 02/08/2022 11:29

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 11:23

He won’t talk to me now. I think our marriage is over. I have no idea what to do.

Ok so are you saying that he just doesn't want to help at all? Then thats a whole other matter.

PeasOff · 02/08/2022 11:32

@WaterMeloncholy why isn't he talking to you?

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 11:38

He just wants to do housework now, he won’t talk to me about how I’m feeling. He let me have a lie in this morning and he’s acting so hard done by. It’s hilarious that he’s angry at me for doing what he does to me every day and wondering why I’m angry at him??

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 02/08/2022 11:42

Go out for a walk and take some time. When baby naps call a friend or

Family Lives

Offers information and support in all aspects of family life. Call 0808 800 2222 9am-9pm Mon-Fri, 10am-3pm Sat-Sun or email [email protected]. See familylives.org.uk – the website has advice on baby sleeping, eating and health.

for some support and just to talk through what's going on. Saying things out loud is likely to help clarify your thinking.

PeasOff · 02/08/2022 11:46

@WaterMeloncholy leave baby with him and let him crack on with the housework and go and get some sleep.

MatronicO6 · 02/08/2022 11:56

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 10:31

I know I need to stop breastfeeding but I don’t know how to stop.

There are plenty of suggestions on here and much more advice freely available on the internet to do this. Research it, find a strategy you are comfortable with, get DH involved as he he definitely can be from now on.

Resign yourself to the fact you will have a tough few days perhaps longer, stick to it, be consistent. If you keep giving up when it gets hard you will be prolonging this situation and resolving nothing. And tell DH he is going to be trying for a lot longer than 20 minutes.

LBB2020 · 02/08/2022 12:07

What do you actually want your DH to do? You said in previous posts he was fantastic and helped out around the long hours he works and now you’re saying the opposite. My DH works long hours and has to drive long distances, I work part time (in a demanding role where I’m basically doing full time in part time hours!), he gets up and brings DS through to our room when he wakes (if he can’t settle him which 9 times out of 10 he can’t!) I’ll feed DS and if he still won’t settle DH takes him downstairs until he falls back to sleep. We alternate lie ins at the weekend and I will often have a nap when DS is having his at the weekend.
Talk to your husband, make a plan and keep plodding on! You know logically it’s a phase, it’s just rubbish and exhausting while you’re in it! You have my sympathy, it sucks!

Algbu6 · 02/08/2022 12:08

Who has your baby while you work mornings?

Honestly all this breast is best is bullshit and we all should be doing it 🙄. What bottles have you tried? Does your baby never have water?

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 12:51

Husband has him in the mornings when I’m working and his parents come over as they look after him in the transition between my husband going to work and me and coming home. So we don’t really see each other much which also isn’t helping our relationship. I always make sure he gets two lie ins a week and the deal was that I would get a lie in once a week vut it never happens. I get frustrated that I have to ask him to do things and leave lists. No one has to do that for me. I’m pissed off that when he’s seufferinf with his health condition I help him and look after him and make sure he’s ok yet I’m on the verge of a massive bipolar breakdown and he just doesn’t give a shit. I’m trying to keep myself well for my kids and so I can function and he just doesn’t care about me at all.

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 02/08/2022 12:53

You don't need to stop breastfeeding, OP.

I think you should try to night wean though. We cut out night feeds at around 9 months because our son was supposed to take medication on a full stomach in the morning and if he'd fed during the night he wasn't hungry enough. When the doctor learned that he was still feeding during the night she told us off and said he was far too old to still need night feeds.

She was right.

It didn't resolve the sleep issues overnight, but it certainly gave him less reason to wake up.

PeasOff · 02/08/2022 13:22

@WaterMeloncholy do you have Bipolar Disorder?

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 13:23

Yes.

OP posts:
PeasOff · 02/08/2022 13:28

@WaterMeloncholy you really need to make sure you're getting a decent night's sleep then. You are no doubt well aware what a lack of sleep can result in and your husband no doubt is as well.

Have you spoken to your GP/HV? If not, maybe give them a call for some advice or support.

MummyGummy · 02/08/2022 13:57

Algbu6 · 02/08/2022 12:08

Who has your baby while you work mornings?

Honestly all this breast is best is bullshit and we all should be doing it 🙄. What bottles have you tried? Does your baby never have water?

From everything the OP has written about her husband and having BPD, you really think all their problems will be solved by stopping breastfeeding?

Breast is best isn’t BS, it’s a fact. Most often when it’s a struggle it’s down to a lack of support around the mother, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are benefits to a baby being breastfed.

Rowen32 · 02/08/2022 13:59

Why don't you have baby in your room on a separate sleep surface so he'll know you're there and you're comfy in your own bed. I didn't move my baby out till he was older and sleeping better and it worked wonders as often all he needed was a little sssh which I could easily do from my bed. There's only so much your husband can do if he's working those long hours, can you get extra support from someone else? The very earliest a baby is meant to not get a night feed is nine months so I wouldn't worry too much about stopping feeding unless it's a lot during the night, it would more than likely drop naturally if he's starting to eat more solids..

Algbu6 · 02/08/2022 14:18

MummyGummy · 02/08/2022 13:57

From everything the OP has written about her husband and having BPD, you really think all their problems will be solved by stopping breastfeeding?

Breast is best isn’t BS, it’s a fact. Most often when it’s a struggle it’s down to a lack of support around the mother, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are benefits to a baby being breastfed.

Show quote history

Can you please reply with some context to OPS thread.... OP has tried however and I hope you don't mind me saying OP!

Her posts seem a bit OP and down she has TRIED BF .. so don't be making any mother feel bad if its costing her her own bloody marriage and to be snappy its not worth it. A fed baby is what is best. I haven't got time to argue with you about Breast is best though.

What is best is OPS sanity and well being but your too busy going on about breast is best!

WTF475878237NC · 02/08/2022 14:32

Breast is best isn’t BS, it’s a fact. Most often when it’s a struggle it’s down to a lack of support around the mother, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are benefits to a baby being breastfed.

^ infant feeding surveys time and time again support this view. OP is doing great by the baby.

Algbu6 · 02/08/2022 14:36

WTF475878237NC · 02/08/2022 14:32

Breast is best isn’t BS, it’s a fact. Most often when it’s a struggle it’s down to a lack of support around the mother, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are benefits to a baby being breastfed.

^ infant feeding surveys time and time again support this view. OP is doing great by the baby.

OP is struggling. But if you want to bypass that's your choice. I never suggested she stop I stated she had tried and I also asked about bottles as I thought she could maybe mix. OP doesn't have to breast feed to the detriment of her health and she also has another child.

wibblywobblybits · 02/08/2022 15:55

I'm finding it really really hard to be sympathetic here OP, I know that's not what you want to hear. But I just simply don't understand when people say they don't want to sleep train, but the alternative is borderline bipolar episodes and potential divorce.

How is that preferable?

Sleep training at 9 months will take a few nights and then everyone will be sleeping and you won't want to kill your husband

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 16:23

We’ve tried sleep training it doesn’t work for us.

OP posts: