So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

I breastfed DD until 21 months when she self weaned, so I get exactly what place you are in. I went back to work full time at 6 months, she was still feeding 3 times a night, with shorter spacing than in the day. Something I couldn’t face dealing with. What worked for us, was a dream feed then DH settling if the gap from that feed until she woke wanting to feed again was less time than she went during the day (this was 4 hours for us). Over the course of 3 weeks, (which was tough on DH, but given I’d done all of the night waking up until now, he could suck it up), she gradually went to feeding at about 2200 and sleeping through until 0500. Even if she woke either of us could settle her without a feed. I only fed in the middle of the night again when she was poorly, and then to be honest I would be glad she was getting breast milk.

There are some harsh attitudes around, babies don't follow a textbook.
Some sleep through and some don't, I have friends with both with a mix of breastfeeding and bottle feeding. I think it can be down to luck in some cases (especially when the same parents have different experiences with different babies).

OP see if there's any way your husband can make it possible for you to catch up on sleep this weekend, it is the best thing you can do.

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation, I have a 9 month old who I breastfeed exclusively and a 4 year old who also needs my time. Only difference is I don't work. My husband is the same, he's great when he's home but at night he even sleeps in another room so he isn't disturbed with baby cries as he has to go to work and gets a good night sleep. Me on the other hand haven't slept since I was pregnant with this baby.
I think you should decide what's most important for you, breastfeeding for longer or working. Could you financially be ok if you didn't work until baby stopped breastfeeding. Breastfeeding and looking after kids is a full-time job in itself, so you're in fact doing 2 jobs with lack of sleep.
For me breastfeeding is more important and I can cope not to work until my baby turns 2, therefore I chose to do what I do. You have options Hun. Best of luck xx

It is SO hard OP. 8-10 months is one of the hardest stages. Sarah Ockwell Smith has written a bit about the 8 month sleep regression.

I bf my eldest to sleep for about 2 years and our last very rough patch was around 8/9/10 months. things got significantly better at around 1 year and then again at 2 years when he started sleeping through the night consistently.

Emma Pickett on Instagram is great for weaning / setting bf boundaries advice.

Things that I found helped for us

• co sleeping in a king size mattress on the floor in a "baby proofed" room, just me and LO
• napping when LO napped when possible
• husband doing more of the housework than me and childcare that didn't involve settling to sleep
• weirdly, exercise! not loads, just a bit most days, like 10 minutes
• husband taking LO when he wakes in the morning and me staying in bed, only possible for us on Sundays and during school holidays

Hope you can find something to help. But people blaming you for this situation aren't right, you are allowed to bf, to not sleep train, to be exhausted and to complain about that without being told that it's your fault or its your choice. my friend formula fed her first and shared nights with her partner yet when the baby was older, she mostly refused to settle with dad and my friend was totally exhausted - can't blame breastfeeding there! it's just parenting, especially being a mum, and it's so very hard!

This is a reason why I won't be breastfeeding, I rarely hear positive stories. It sounds miserable.

I'm sorry, I hope things improve for you soon.

I just remembered reading about trying to drop the night feed by gradually reducing what baby is getting. So if you feed for x amount of minutes, you reduce it by 1 min then in a few nights reduce it by another minute. Gradually offering less, and baby then gets it in their morning feed. So baby isn't even eating less, the calories have just need moved.

Again this sounded impossible to me, especially as usually so dazed/exhausted I have no concept of how long she has fed on either breast. I assume I would start by beginning to feed on each for a set time then begin reducing. But I will be trying it when child has reached the correct weight/eating targets they recommend before attempting.

A lot of people have given you very harsh replies. Remember your mental health and well being is important too, your physiological needs are not irrelevant. As they say, happy mum = happy baby.

Christ on a bike. I've heard it all now.

Prioritise bf over working?!!

🤣🤣🤣

I was going to suggest something similar to @Mummyslittlegiraffe . Could your DH start settling your DS during the night so you can get a longer stretch of sleep? It’s going to be painful at first ( perhaps he could take a few days of leave?) but it might break the cycle of feeding for comfort and even if it doesn’t work brilliantly, you’d get some much needed rest. 💐

I've been here. I have an 11MO who Still BFs and contact naps. To all those people saying babies don't need night feeds or to stop breastfeeding and sleep train- such unhelpful advice. Each to their own. I don't want to stop BFing and I will never sleep train. Also babies shouldn't be giving up night feeds at this age- some may but not all do. Nutrition still comes from milk until 1.

If you want to BF, this unfortunately is the way it is. Co- sleeping saved me and baby feeds easily and I sleep. Wishing you sleep and luck. Having a baby is fking hard. Xx

Quit the breast feeding. Your poor husband

you are tired - it’s nothing to do with him

you are making a choice to BF and causing your own tiredness

Both of mine were still having night feeds at that age - both my bottle fed, and breastfed baby. We were able to (and did) share with my bottle fed over, but my second refused bottles from birth! She woke 5-15 times a night at the age your little one is, and I was also working. It was HARD but we got through it.

My bottle fed baby started sometimes sleeping through at 3 (though goes through non sleeping phases still at 5) and my breast feed one at 2 (she's about 50-50 at 3). Both stoped feeding in the night (bottle @ 15m, boob @ 2) but still often woke/wake, and now it just takes longer to get them back to sleep.

Its ok if you don't want to sleep train - I didn't, and I'm pleased now that I didn't ever leave them to cry themselves to sleep. I took the brunt of it myself, and it helped me realise that it was my choice to do this. As a couple, we tried to with in as much extra sleep for me as we could, but looking back I don't know how I managed.

Maybe co sleep for a while so that baby can just feed and you can at the same time Less harsh and may get you over that hump

Don't be put off from giving it a go. In a lot of ways it's simple, no faff with bottles. You don't have to make yourself a martyr though. I had 3 very positive experiences of it.

Thankyou everyone, a lot to take on board. I’ve spoken to my husband about it and he’s been really understanding. He’s prepped some bottles for tonight and he’s going to sleep in with the baby tonight so I can get a nights sleep and try and catch up. He’s even suggested I go and stay at my friends house tomorrow so I can’t interfere if I hear him crying. Husband really is ace, but he’s a chef, who works 12 hour shifts and often isn’t home till midnight. And because I work mornings I don’t see him for days at a time!

I'm glad you had positive experiences. I just don't think it's for me for several reasons.

My babies would ever settle back to sleep without a feed - probably were hungry but who really knows. All I know is that a screaming baby who wants to be ready fed is not going to settle back to sleep with dad. It’s unkind to the dad. I’m so glad that my cousin visited us and could see a very unhappy mum and dad. So gently suggested bottle feeding at night. I’m forever grateful to her seeing it from an outsiders perspective

If you are incredibly stressed to the level you are, and your baby has been unwell, is it worth trying to get signed off from work for a couple of weeks, or is that something you wouldn’t contemplate?

Sending you all good wishes for tonight. Your husband sounds decent, at least.

Keep reminding yourself that it's only a short time, things will improve.

If breastfeeding isn't easy with your health issues change to mixed feeds with formula.

The baby will have extra nutrition on solids at 9 months.

This is not your fault. You're doing an amazing job.

I night weaned at age 1 and it solved 90% of our sleep issues.

My baby never took a bottle either. It's so tough!

I get it, I really do, but my kids are now 12 and 9 and I would give anything to have those early days back. They are still wonderful, of course, but really independent. The early days, when you are the centre of their world, feel like they will never end but are actually gone in a flash. Be kind to yourself and your husband. Try to take a nap early evening or something to catch up on sleep or nap when he does on your non- working days. We’ve all been there and do understand.

Do the controlled crying! It will change your lives after a week or two of consistency and your baby will be getting a decent sleep.

@Toes89 aren't you charming.. the martyrs of mn are out in force tonight I see. The ones who still co sleep at 6 year old

Try a sleep consultant who can advise on the feeding too.

I did and went from feeding very 2 hours in night to only two feed per day and baby sleeping through night in 2 days. Absolute life saver and meant I continued breastfeeding twice per day only until 19 months.

@Toes89 if you don't want to be told to not resent your husband for not being able to breastfeed maybe don't say that you want to smother him..