So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

I've been in the exact same situation as you ( without the resentment towards dh) with babies who would never take a bottle and it is exhausting. You need to stop the bf and do some sleep training, hard though it is.

It’s so hard, I understand. Especially when husband then mentions he’s tired…..
I had bottle refuser as well who didn’t sleep, I stopped breastfeeding at 10 months to try and get her to sleep and managed to get her taking bottles. She still didn’t sleep and I ended up having to rock/shush/pat etc for ages overnight. She didn’t reliably sleep til quite late.
my second never had a bottle either but he slept through reliably from 6 months (once he was down, sleep regression at 11 months was tricky for bedtime)
it is random with sleep and if you don’t want to sleep train or stop feeding don’t feel you have to. Can you get some naps in the daytime? Or take a day or 2 annual leave to catch up while both children are in childcare? Or husband take a day off so you can sleep? And in the day when baby is napping have a rest, ignore the housework, get help wherever you can and this will pass everyone wants to support new mothers but I found 9-11 months harder in many ways

Utter rubbish. Most babies do not sleep through by 9 months. Yes you can ignore them but op, you're not doing that so well done on parenting your wee bubba!

I understand how you feel though. Mine used to take mine for a walk in the evening so I could chill for an hour.

I'm still breastfeeding my one year old and my husband does the settling so I can go back to sleep (in a different room if needs be). I would do more but she's never slept more than two to three hours and boobs back to sleep each wake up. I get the resentment but breastfeeding doesn't have to mean you doing everything all night every night.

You co-sleep and don't seem to want to do controlled crying and you seem to be unable to establish boundaries between your baby's wants (for sucking) and his needs (which is to be fed during the day only, with a combination of solids, water and a bit of milk).

You need to establish boundaries. Cater to your baby's needs, not his wants.

If the man was up breastfeeding the baby every night you mean?

He’s nine months old. His needs and wants are the same thing.

I completely disagree. Most 9 months old that I have ever known did not sleep through the night “more or less”.

YANBU to feel this way! I have been there too and I cried every night from being woken up. I was EXHAUSTED 😩
Its not your OHs fault but it’s certainly not yours either!! My babies refused bottles so. Had no choice but to breastfeed. I tried everything!
I still kind of hate OH to this day as he had no understanding as to what I went through!
All I can tell you is this will pass. My baby is 10 now and when anyone ever mentions having another I say never again!!

Sigh. This is the kind of thread that drives me insane.
yes it’s all lovely feeding on demand and catering to your baby’s every whim. If it works for everybody.
this is NOT WORKING. The OP has an actual health condition, needs to go back to work soon, and her relationship is suffering.
Any decent healthcare professional will tell you to sleep train the baby for all your sakes. That doesn’t mean you have to stop breastfeeding. It means you need to stop feeding on demand.
rope your DH in to the sleep training. And make sure you at least have the opportunity to sleep for 6 unbroken hours every night.

All babies are different. DD was breastfed and slept through before 6 weeks. Just went with the flow. However,.a downside was that, despote gripe water, she grizzled until midnight every night. I was totally knackered. Then when she started to wake at 2 am with a bad dream due to a full bladder, XH never once woke up.

Well done for sticking at the breastfeeding and not doing cry it out. I know it's hard because I've been there (and still am there sometimes) but honestly it sounds ike you're doing a wonderful job and giving your child the best start in life.

Have you tried co-sleeping? Doing that gets me much more sleep because I can just fling a boob over then roll away once my son is asleep. It's much easier to get back to sleep than constantly getting in and out of bed all night. I appreciate it isn't for everyone though! Also having my husband in a separate room means I resent him less because I don't have to watch him sleep while I'm awake in the middle of the night!

DC3 was this age when I finally couldn’t take any more and went away for a night leaving DH to it. I expected to wake up with engorged breasts but they were empty. Baby hadn’t even been feeding during the night but he’s become dependent on sucking back to sleep. Some women may be fine with this but I was horrified and it was the wake up call I needed to change things.

I had exactly the same situation with my first. I’m afraid controlled crying is your only option. We tried everything else and nothing else worked. I wasn’t so resentful about breastfeeding when I’d got a decent chunk of sleep either.

good luck.

@HermioneKipper of course controlled crying isn’t the ‘only option’. Plenty of us get through without doing things like this to our babies.

Op that sounds incredibly hard. I breastfed both my children and didn't have to work but still the resentment I felt for DH was HUGE. Both mine woke multiple times a night, sometimes up to 10 but never less than 3 times. Sleep deprivation has a huge impact on everything you do and feel. You've been given some pretty crappy advice on here 'stop breastfeeding' 'cry it out' 'your baby doesn't need a night feed'. I stopped breastfeeding my 9 month old as I was feeling like a human cow and it didn't make an iota of difference to her sleeping. Is there somewhere you can go once you've fed her and then your husband brings baby to you if she wakes? Also keep persevering with the bottle.

Someone once asked me what would happen to DS if I was to die? So if you were to die what would happen? He would take a bloody bottle of course. Fine if you don't want to persist with a bottle, or with no overnight feeds or not use controlled crying, but let's not pretend things have to be this way. You are choosing this.

If you let resentment break your marriage because you chose to breastfeed, not combo feed, and your DH doesn't have boobs that's on you

Some of these responses are fucking batshit. In my experience when your baby has been unwell this behaviour is normal and it’s complete rubbish that all babies sleep through or don’t need night feeds at that age!!

my DD was a bottle refuser, but something that worked for us was introducing formula from a sippy cup. We were actually doing it to get her ready for nursery, but found it went so well we gradually started doing every feed like that until she was only breastfeeding before bed. If your DS takes water from a cup you could always try formula or expressed milk from it? Also please tell your DH how you are feeling, ask for some help.

Ignore the unsupportive comments from the model perfect parents on this thread OP, you don’t need stuff like sleep training. This too shall pass, hang in there.

Ha! Someone once told me never to make a decision about a relationship within a year of a baby. I’ve stuck to it and it’s been good advice, otherwise there is no doubt I’d be either divorced or in prison now. I EBF both mine and have never let them cry. There were times when I really felt insane and could (like a PP) cheerfully have smothered DH when he was snoring next to me. The sleep disruption is incredibly corrosive. Believe me, it does get better. Mine would never take a bottle either and my nipples got so sore with DS that I used to sob while feeding, but that’s a different story. Feel free to resent your husband - it goes with the territory at this point - but try to remember that now is not forever and it won’t always be like this. Believe it or not, this time is really incredibly short, even though it feels interminable. If you loved your husband before children, you can do it. Only you can make a judgement on whether or not to stop breastfeeding, but if you’re truly exhausted you need to make a decision for you as well as baby as neither of you will thrive if you’re at the end of your tether.

I remember those days well OP you have my sympathy, my youngest is almost 3 and was BF until 20 months. He never took a bottle, just refused. We coslept (side sleeper crib) until 11months and he was still waking up 3 times per night and demanding a boob. My eldest slept through from 7months 7pm-5am, middle child from 9 months 10pm- 7am both BF too.
Ignore the incredibly unhelpful advice about most babies sleeping through or not needing milk at this age (basically suggesting this is all your fault) - plenty of formula fed babies still wake in the night well past the age of 1 as well as BF ones.
I recall feeling enraged with DH sleeping soundly at times too! We managed with shifts, if baby had a feed at 5am DH would get up with him so I could get another couple of hours sleep.
At 11months I decided it was time to move baby into his own room. I put a camp Bed on the floor next to his crib (small room so it took up all the floor space) and had a week of hell where he'd wake up and I would just pat him and only offer boob if he got upset, just a tiny feed and then back down with patting. I was in the room with him the whole time with my hand on him so no abandonment and lots of comfort. After a week I moved back to my room and would go to him if he woke for a night feed, but over a couple of weeks his night waking reduced significantly down to one or none - not sure if that counts as controlled crying but it definitely worked for us.
Your feelings although logically not rational are entirely understandable, this really will pass and you are doing what is best for your baby. Broken sleep isn't fun but it can be survived, good luck OP.

I 2nd this. My first refused a bottle but would take one of those cow-print sippy cups of formula.
I weened her off breastfeeding at around 9-12 months as it was just too hard once I went back to work. I also made my husband get up on the rare occasions she woke during the night and sleep with her in the spare room so I could have uninterrupted sleep.
It’s hard but try not to resent your husband for having it easier than you. Try to develop a tougher heart for your child and let go and pass stuff over to him a bit more.
Wishing you all the best, this bit does get easier but unfortunately it gets replaced with something else that will drive you mad!

babies also use breastfeeding at night to connect sleeping cycles, not just for food. I haven't figured it out myself yet, but this is the reason he wakes every few hours. I co-sleep with my daughter (my husband is with us in our bed) and that makes a difference for us. She sleeps very well, but only because she can dream feed, definitely would've been a nightmare if she would be in another room.
My daughter is 12 months now and I just went through the same resentment towards my husband. After much talking, he learned to feed her expressed milk from a beaker (Tommy tippee free flow is the best) and carry her in a sling until she falls asleep so that helped 10000%