So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

[WaterMeloncholy]

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

It’s horrifying to me how many parents think the ‘only way’ to deal with totally normal infant development is to remove comfort and teach them you won’t come when they need you.

And then so many parents wonder why their teenagers won’t tell them about their feelings or come to them when they’re struggling….

That’s absolutely insane. Deprive the kid of the comfort it knows because its mum might die?

OP please get professional advice and support, from an IBCLC for the feeding issues if there is something you want to change (e.g how to get baby to take a bottle) or maybe from a sleep consultant. Do not take advice from unqualified strangers on the internet, as some posters here have given horrendous 'advice'.
YANBU - when you're in the thick of it, there seems like no way out and your husband is the easy target. Just know that this, like everything, is a phase.
The 9 month sleep regression is rough, but it doesn't last forever.

@BuffaloCauliflower

Oh stop with the guilt tripping, its nonsense

OP, YABU towards you DH and yourself. I completely empathise with your position, I am only 3 months in and struggling so much with breastfeeding. We actually introduced baby to bottle in week 6 as I was getting little to no sleep. There were some nights I sat there in tears and wanting to scream at him as he lay sleeping next to me. It's so hard when your body and brain is literally aching for rest.

She kept refusing so I ended up expressing a little milk and rubbing on top of bottle and holding under baby's noise to entice her. We also did it at time she was hungry but not tired. Also DH did it, so as to avoid confusion. It ended up working for us and now DH does most night feeds. You could also ask HV advice on introducing bottle, it is a common problem so they will hopefully have some advice.

You could also research some sleep training that does not involve CIO. There are some mich more gentle approaches which involve parent presence. Not going to lie it does sound like hard work and will take time but husband can also be involved so it doesn't all fall on you.

Have you tried a dummy op? My first refused a dummy at 3 months but went for it at 5-6 months when we tried again at our wits end. That broke the breastfeeding at night cycle for us as he had that to suckle and it helped him drop back off again.

I too thought this when my DD was 6m old. I went skiing for the day and left my mother in-law bottles of breast milk. 10 hours later I walked through the door to a screaming baby because she refused to take the bottle. She was starving. So not as easy as you think. Also what a helpful comment to make

Oh god, absolutely. These threads are a magnet for absolute weirdos.

YABU.

Try sleep training and reducing overnight feeds, hopefully it helps you and baby to get a decent night's sleep.

Some harsh replies here. My DD breastfed till 13 months, and during that time she absolutely refused to take a bottle. And she didn't eat much food either so it was all about the boob. I was so sleep deprived I hated everyone. People whose babies take a bottle do not get it. Nine months is still young and they do need boob/bottle!

So I get you OP. Do agree DH should be doing everything he can to take baby off you and give you rest though. Good luck, you will get through this.

Just stop it with the guilt.

The WHO guidance is primarily intended for women in countries where formula/water may not be safe. There is fuck-all evidence that outcomes are different for FF vs BF in high-income countries. And the guidance doesn't consider the welfare of mothers at all - only of babies. But babies do better when their mothers are not on the verge of despair - WHO fails to consider this at all.

Women with access to high quality formula and safe water supplies should not be guilted into continuing breast-feeding. It's right for some, it's not right for others. Their children will be fine, either way.

Sleeping through?? At 9 months?? My son woke every night until he was 2

I think this is a seriously loaded issue. But if you’re struggling with your sleep, baby currently isn’t taking a bottle and won’t settle for your husband, you need to change one of those if you want your sleep to be better. Some kids sleep through on their own and it’s great, some don’t but their parents are ok with it. Lots of parents sleep train in some form. Sleep deprivation made me suicidal so I certainly wasn’t one of them who coped.

you either need to work to baby taking a bottle or night wean. Both are probably going to involve a fair bit of crying for a few days.

Alternatively you can just be miserable which is a choice you’re allowed to make but your mental health matters and it’s ok for you to make choices to improve things for yourself.

YANBU. This is classic resentment time. But it’s your DS that you resent… we just can’t direct our resentment at them so the DH gets it. Its understandable that the relationship suffers. Just keep communicating, it will pass.

I had this with my first. It was so hard!! He woke up every 45 mins to feed during the night, nearly killed me! It was around the 9 month mark I got him on formula. Persevere! I tried so many different bottles and formula. Ended up on Tommee Tipee Closer to nature, vari flow teat. I used HIPP, because they have the travel portions I found it helpful to keep trying him on it without buying a load of formula. I realised there was a certain temperature I had to warm it up to for him to even consider it - probably closer to the temperature of breast milk. If your DS is trying it and doesn’t like it then maybe try goats milk formula, it’s easier on their tummy. If it’s the bottle (which it was with my DS) let him get use to a bottle by introducing regularly, maybe just leave one available for for him to play with, during the day, with some water in it.

once my DS took to a bottle he completely transitioned in a week. He loved it. He then moved to his own room a few weeks later and was sleeping through the night a few weeks after that. Good luck!

I feel for you @WaterMeloncholy it’s exhausting! My youngest is almost 2 and we’re still co-sleeping and I’m still breastfeeding overnight (we have no intention of sleep training he’ll get there eventually). Do you get chance to sleep in at the weekend or have an afternoon nap?
8-12 months was particularly bad for us, try to remember it’s all phases and it will pass. Obviously if you want to stop breastfeeding or try sleep training that’s fine, do what you need to do to get through it and what works for you and your family. Speak to your DH and make a plan for how you’ll deal with wake ups (DH going in and trying to settle before bringing baby to you for a feed if they can’t get them back to sleep etc), sometimes it makes you feel better just talking it through and coming up with a plan of action!

OP, I get it. My DD is 2 and a half now but oh my days, 9 months was a killer for me.

This period for us was short-lived, 3 weeks or so. But I can attest to the fact it is imprinted on my brain that it was horrific. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture, it's barbaric. What you're feeling about your DH is driven by that torture - personally I think it's because we can't possibly blame our babies for the sleep deprivation so we latch onto the closest person we feel we can blame and this just happens to be our DHs.

Honestly, it's going to sound wild but one of the things that got me through that 'resentful' period with my DH, was being brutally honest about what I was going through. I'd message him in the middle of the night while I was laid holding DD's hand, I'd tell him how long I'd been awake, how tired I was, what I was having to do. It made me feel better even though he couldn't do anything about it, at least he knew not to wake up and moan about his sleep. It also made me feel less alone weirdly.

I'm not going to tell you what your 'only options' are. I will say, I never wanted to sleep train in any format, but this was the point I questioned my choices. I didn't in the end but I wouldn't judge anyone if this was the point that made them decide that sleep training was the right way to go for them. Only you (not your DH as he's not the one sleep deprived) know what's right for you at this stage.

I did all the 'wrong' things according to some people on this thread. I breastfed to sleep (even in the middle of the night) until my DD was 13 months old, when she just 'decided' she was done one day and I stopped breastfeeding just like that. Don't be disheartened from the posts if this is what you want to do, my DD now sleeps so well, although she occasionally will wake for a drink of water, like some of us adults do too.

Maybe your DH needs to take charge for one night (even if that means pulling an all nighter in front of the TV) just to allow you to get a solid block of sleep. I know even a singular night of sleep gave me so much relief at that stage.

I hope you get some good sleep soon.

It sounds so tough OP, and when you’re in the midst of it it feels like it will never end. But it will! One day your baby will sleep better and stop breastfeeding, I promise they won’t continue forever.

You said your baby has been unwell, how do they usually sleep when no illness/teething etc?

Babies get so much comfort from breastfeeding, especially when they are struggling or going through a developmental phase. It’s tough on you but are there ways you can help make your days easier? Getting a cleaner, ready meals, having naps on your days off/when your husband is home at the weekends etc could help give you get more rest or time to yourself.

Have you tried a sippy cup of expressed milk or formula if you don't like expressing?

I went back to work when DS2 was 8 months and DH had to give him liquid in a syringe initially as he wouldn't take a bottle but after a week or two he really grasped the sippy cup (we used a B Box with a weighted straw, you can get them from Amazon)

I have been there and it won't be like this forever. If you want to continue breastfeeding, cosleeping and with no sleep training, try to work out what else can be changed, e.g. what can DH do to help you get more sleep, can you take annual leave or a sick day, can someone take your older DC? If your baby is unwell, things will shift when they feel better. Why remove comfort, hydration and nutrition when they are unwell?

I found the Beyond Sleep Training website and Facebook group invaluable for support and inspiration without having people feeding you the usual unhelpful lines about CIO and night weaning.

I stopped breastfeeding at eight months and the night feeds stopped within days - he was using me as a dummy.

I never went for bottles at that stage, just moved straight to a cup, only offered water at night, and gave him a decent supper.

good luck

Hang in there there, OP. It will pass. Nobody is doing anything wrong. It's a phase, an awful one! It will pass. :)

Sounds like you might need some counselling rather than *punching your husband in the face."

Can you take a day off to catch up on some sleep.

Or even a couple of days and try and sort the sleeping issue out.

You say you work PT does that allow you to have a nap?
Can you go to sleep earlier?

Remember this is temporary!

On the weekend ask DH to take over for an entire day so you can some quality time with your older child and then have an early night and lie in so at least you’re having a good amount of sleep.

Everything is so difficult when you are tired.
If you find a way to get some extra sleep then you’ll be able to deal with everything else so much more.

I bottle fed, so no resentment there as even though he was working, he would always do a night feed. However, saying you want to punch your husband is a bit to much. If you want him to do more, talk to him. Feeling exhausted all the time will create a bad atmosphere if you don't communicate. It could also lead to separation. Please communicate

YABU. I will never understand this thing of insisting on exclusively breastfeeding because ‘it’s so much easier’ but not seeing the inevitable solo feeding clusterfuck that’s coming down the line.

It’s so easy to predict, and so not your husband’s fault.