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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So resentful of my husband it’s going to destroy our marriage

280 replies

WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 19:57

I know I’m being unreasonable.

we have 9 month old baby boy, very loved and very wanted. My husband is a fantastic father but the baby is breastfed and has been unwell the last few weeks and will only settle with a breastfeed in the night. Rationally I know my husband can’t help with breastfeeding and if he takes him at night he just screams to the point of being hysterical. But I’m so exhausted. I do all the feeding, as well as working part time and also trying to spend time with the eldest. My husband works long hours and takes him when he’s home so he didn’t get a rest either but he gets a full nights sleep every night. Last night I got 3 hours and had to be up early for work. I just feel so resentful that I honestly hate my husband. I sit in bed and I just want to punch him. Baby will not take a bottle. We have tried and tried and it’s my fault anyway as he was combi fed but when my husband went back to work I got lazy and just breastfed and now he won’t take a bottle. I’m so tired and I have a medical condition that requires a good amount of sleep so I’m just a miserable zombie. I haven’t spoken to my husband all day because I’m just so mad at him. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 22:18

We tried controlled crying and we just couldn’t do it. He just stands up and projectile vomits and is hysterical.

OP posts:
eastegg · 01/08/2022 22:21

Maray1967 · 01/08/2022 20:10

I’ll probably get flamed on here by breastfeeding mums but this sounds horrendous. I had DS(1) sleeping 7 hours at night from 8 weeks and Ds(2) from 5 months. There is no way I could have gone back to work in this situation.
If you have to/ want to work then you’re going to have to get baby off the breast, I would have thought. I think you’ll have to persevere with dad and bottle with you nowhere near so he can’t smell the milk. If you don’t work weekends try this on a Friday night. It will be probably tough going at first but surely he’ll feed when he’s hungry? There must be a way of doing this otherwise how do mums who are working manage?

Why would you get flamed by breastfeeding mums? You say that as if breastfeeding is not compatible with having good sleepers.

I BF DS1 until he was 14 months. He also slept from 7.30 to 5am from 4 months. I also went back to work in a very demanding job out of the home 3 days a week from when he was 7 months. I can hear steam coming out of some people’s ears with the effort of computing all that, because breastfed babies are meant to be such a PITA.

Bumparound · 01/08/2022 22:22

Another vote for the Beyond Sleep Training group on FB. Really supportive group got me through the tough times without all the unhelpful usual advice you get on social media to nightwean or leave them to cry. Made me realise it’s just babies being babies and biologically normal for them to need/want us in the night. Might not be particularly helpful on a practical level I guess but hopefully makes you feel less alone, avoids you smothering your husband, and appreciate, like everything (good and bad!), it’s a phase.

We EBF (bottle refuser too!) and 8/9 months was a killer here but co-sleeping kept me sane and gave me the most chance of sleep. If it’s any help at all we also started to see a pattern in when our LO was waking on a morning around that age and, like a PP suggested, started a ‘shift’ with my husband so if LO woke after 5.30am he’d try settle them back to sleep with him in the spare room or, failing that, gave them a cup of milk and an early breakfast! He then found his own way of settling LO to sleep without boobs and that was a massive help along the line - it’s great your LO has settled with dad cosleeping with him too, that’s bound to help in the future if he’s getting used to it not always being you! Sending loads of luck OP and take care.

RavenPaws · 01/08/2022 22:22

@Toes89 why are you on this thread? To tell op it's okay that she wants to kill her husband for not breast feeding her child, because he'll only be co sleeping with her for another 6/7 years and just breast feed him to sleep until his milk teeth have gone because that's why they're called milk teeth?

It's ok if you want to do that for years on end but some people don't. It's creepy

Somethingsnappy · 01/08/2022 22:24

Just to clarify op, is it just once that your baby wakes during the night? If that's the case they actually sound like they're doing really well, especially considering they've been unwell, and 9 months is classic regression time. If you're very tired though, that may not be what you want to hear. It's just the tiredness causing resentment. This will too will pass. 4 breastfed babies later, I have realised that everything is just a phase.

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 22:26

He was sleeping through, then the 8 month regression hit then he got a cold, then he had a stomach bug and now he has another cold.

He wakes around 11ish, then either wakes up at 2 or 4am. Then up for the day at half 5-6. He used to sleep 7-6. The last few nights he’s been waking at 1ish and being wide awake for an hour.

OP posts:
eastegg · 01/08/2022 22:30

lochmaree · 01/08/2022 21:48

It is SO hard OP. 8-10 months is one of the hardest stages. Sarah Ockwell Smith has written a bit about the 8 month sleep regression.

I bf my eldest to sleep for about 2 years and our last very rough patch was around 8/9/10 months. things got significantly better at around 1 year and then again at 2 years when he started sleeping through the night consistently.

Emma Pickett on Instagram is great for weaning / setting bf boundaries advice.

Things that I found helped for us

  • co sleeping in a king size mattress on the floor in a "baby proofed" room, just me and LO
  • napping when LO napped when possible
  • husband doing more of the housework than me and childcare that didn't involve settling to sleep
  • weirdly, exercise! not loads, just a bit most days, like 10 minutes
  • husband taking LO when he wakes in the morning and me staying in bed, only possible for us on Sundays and during school holidays

Hope you can find something to help. But people blaming you for this situation aren't right, you are allowed to bf, to not sleep train, to be exhausted and to complain about that without being told that it's your fault or its your choice. my friend formula fed her first and shared nights with her partner yet when the baby was older, she mostly refused to settle with dad and my friend was totally exhausted - can't blame breastfeeding there! it's just parenting, especially being a mum, and it's so very hard!

This is what I would have liked to have said if I hadn’t got sidetracked by defending BFing. It’s temporary OP, babies are just hard, you have not made a rod for your own back and it will get better.

Minniem2020 · 01/08/2022 22:30

Sorry if it's been mentioned, I haven't had chance to RTFT but have you tried Nuk teats?
DS was breastfed for 6 months and he was determined not to take a bottle when I tried. I had tried all the recommendations, me not being in the same room etc, different teats and he refused everything. I was tearing my hair out and regretting ever breastfeeding in the 1st place. Ordered some Nuk teats and he took it straight away, really wish they'd been my 1st pick! I now use them for DS2 who is combi fed

Somethingsnappy · 01/08/2022 22:34

Ah, I can see that's hard for you then, if he's waking quite early in the morning too, not too long after his last wake up. He sounds very similar to how my baby was at that age. Can you give him a feed lying down, so you can rest, or even doze while it's happening?

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 22:34

So baby has just woken up crying. Husband is going to try and settle him without milk. Wish us luck!

OP posts:
ChristmasSirens · 01/08/2022 22:35

RedHelenB · 01/08/2022 20:02

Yabu as you know. At 9 months they should be sleeping through more or less, you might need to look at controlled crying so they know bed means sleep. I breastfed my last until 14 months but once he was on solids I fed a lot less frequently and despite him not taking a bottle or dummy stopped night feeds. He had one last thing at night before bed and in the morning.

“At 9 months they should be sleeping through more or less”

🤣 Would you mind checking the babies all got this memo?!

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 22:36

He sleeps on a double mattress with a gate around it, so we can sleep with him if we need to. We feed lying down etc. I’m happy to co sleep I just need him to actually sleep. I used to be able to feed him to sleep then sneak off back to my bed but now he senses when I’m gone and he wakes up.

OP posts:
Somethingsnappy · 01/08/2022 22:36

P. S. Also, can it be your dh who gets up early with him while you stay in bed until the last possible minute?

sdfsdipf9ue · 01/08/2022 22:40

OP, it isn't clear from your posts whether your baby is having anything other than milk. I realise it's probably old fashioned advice now, but mine were happier and slept better once they had more than just milk. I know they were having rusks mashed up with milk at 2-3 months-ish, and Weetabix certainly featured well before 9 months. Ignore me if you're already doing this or similar!

Okeydoky · 01/08/2022 22:41

I don't think all the judgmental "stop breastfeeding/sleep train" comments are necessarily very helpful. Perhaps the OP wants to breastfeed and doesn't believe in sleeping training and just wants to vent.

I was on my knees with exhaustion but would never have sleep trained no matter how bad it got. So I found these kinds of comments just made me feel worse.

What saved my sanity and my marriage was kicking my husband out into the spare room while baby and I coslept to maximise our rest. Then first wake after 5am I'd feed baby and hand them over before going back to bed. Also at the weekends I took all naps when baby did. Also had husband doing as much as possible round the house, and if he didn't want to do something he had to organise paid help to do it.

BloodyCamping · 01/08/2022 22:41

Your DH needs to be in charge at 5am so you sleep. He needs to take him downstairs or for a walk. Personally I’d leave him to it, DH will learn the hard way how to settle the baby each morning

justasking111 · 01/08/2022 22:42

My eldest would not take a bottle. At 9 months I gave him a Tommy tippee cup. Hallelujah he took to that. I did hear that it's harder to draw from a bottle than a boob so they get frustrated

Original poster
WaterMeloncholy · 01/08/2022 22:46

I tend to do the early mornings because I have more opportunity to rest in the day. My husband starts work at 11am and doesn’t get him till midnight ish so he does need to sleep. He tends to take the baby from about 7:30 ish and I get up and do breakfast.

Baby is on 3 meals a day. He’s a good eater!

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 01/08/2022 22:53

I haven't RTFT.

Both of mine were night weaned at that age in similar circs to yours. It was life changing. Good luck with it.

jj21 · 01/08/2022 22:55

My first baby also wouldn't take a bottle, but would drink from an open cup, even when very tiny. A doidy cup (slanted cup, available from chemists, Amazon, baby shops) makes this easier. It really helped when DS was a baby, as someone else could feed him if necessary. Good luck! I hope you get some more sleep very soon.

Toes89 · 01/08/2022 23:02

@RavenPaws I actually gave advice on how to gently night wean so OP can start to get some sleep.

What I didn't do is blame OP for the imaginary breakdown of her future marriage because she hasn't persuaded her child to take a bottle.

I'm not saying babies should continue to breastfeed or Co sleep for years. I just genuinely find it bizarre that on a website set up to help mums help one another that someone would make the comment you did. It stood out as cruel to me. And I see it so often on here. Cruel, unnecessary comments and I just don't understand why you're on here. There are plenty of daily mail article comment sections if making women feel bad about themselves is your thing

Branleuse · 01/08/2022 23:09

Whadda · 01/08/2022 20:14

If a man posted that he hated his wife and wanted to punch her because their baby was crying, would you tell him to be kind to himself?

Show quote history

How would the man be breastfeeding ? You cant reverse this one. There isnt another dynamic like this thats comparable.
Sleep deprivation is torture.

AssumethePerpendicular · 01/08/2022 23:15

I remember the middle of the night parties when mine was 8/9 months, he’s be up for 2 hours, completely awake. I did feed but it made no difference so I just gave up and brought him downstairs to play til he was tired again and I watched tv! Better than spending two hours in a dark room wishing they’d fall asleep when they are fully awake!

TheOrigRights · 01/08/2022 23:16

Killing your husband is a bit dramatic - he'll definitely never be able to support you then!

I see you have talked - good! It's a positive sign that during the sleep deprived, resentful times you can talk to each other.

You're being a bit harsh on yourself about continuing to BF. Once it's established it really is the easiest thing and in the moment when you know it will soothe your baby, why wouldn't you?

Can your DH take over to give you a long, long stretch of truly uninterrupted sleep - just to get you back to feeling a bit more human? While months and months of broken sleep can really take its toll, it doesn't take long to recharge. It needs to be at a time when he's out of the house with both children so you can truly switch off.

I BF for ever for many years - co-sleeping for most of that time and both took a while to sleep though. It was the right thing for me and them.

1982mommaof4 · 01/08/2022 23:18

Not read many posts OP so apologies if I'm repeating.

I felt the same with my OP resented him for something out of his control... it's not his fault but that doesn't make it easier for you

Mine were the exact same at this age( massive development stage)

Things I tried

•co sleeping
• Dummy
• Trying to soothe baby back to sleep before offering the breast/ or dad doing this as baby could sniff my boobs out a mile away.

Is your work flexible can you work from home?

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