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Original poster

I'm probably wrong but so angry

315 replies

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:48

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
YDBear · 01/08/2022 18:33

Throw your son out. You told him the rules for living in your house. He hasn’t kept to them. Wait for him to go out, toss all his shit in the garden, change the locks. If your DH gives you any lip, do the same for him.
These arseholes are bullying you in a display of toxic male bonding.
If you let your DH stay—and I would make him crawl first—separate bedrooms for the foreseeable future. Let him know he’s on probation and you are on a short fuse.
You’re afraid to “go nuclear,” but in this situation the Richard Nixon “madman” theory of conflict is the right path—act so crazy they are literally scared what you might do next.
They are treating you contemptibly because they can get away with it. Don’t let them.

wentworthinmate · 01/08/2022 18:34

IncompleteSenten · 31/07/2022 17:51

Book into a premier Inn and leave the fuckers to it for a few days?

Yes yes yes!!!!

Brooke1992 · 01/08/2022 18:36

He would be moving back out hes a grown man and dad would have the option of going with him...disrespectful behaviour not fair on you at all x

InquiringMinds · 01/08/2022 18:40

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:48

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

Been through the same scenario and it was hell, it still upsets us when it’s mentioned by our extended family, however, it was either get him to move out or lose our relationship. Hoping you nip this in the bud without things getting completely out of hand. Your home is being treated like a hotel and he is completely disrespectful.

Bubblegumpoppop · 01/08/2022 18:40

KangarooKenny · 31/07/2022 17:50

Find some adverts for flats and send them to him.

For DH too if he's behaving like that , I would be going nuts with both of them 😱

Mumofthreeteenagers · 01/08/2022 18:43

Your son is being selfish and entitled.
Your husband is TOTALLY unacceptable. What a twat! And how dare he decline your offer to have a chat. Honestly, that would push all my buttons. Its his behaviour you need to sort first. Then put on a united front. Meantime, until he comes to his senses, sleep in the spare room. Make your own. Tidy your own and lots of walks. Few single takeaways etc. Hope it gets sorted!

doitwithlove · 01/08/2022 18:54

He is not living by the rules, give him 2weeks to find a place to live. If DH starts his nonsense tell him to join your DS.

Tessabelle74 · 01/08/2022 19:04

Personally I'd leave and let them get on with it. Find yourself a nice little flat and be done with it

Emmasumm · 01/08/2022 19:13

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:48

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

I can totally understand you must be fuming, he’s taking it for granted. I would literally say go for the shock factor- if this this this isn’t done then you will need to be looking at other places. You have been more than fair and given him opportunities to tidy etc

Jack80 · 01/08/2022 19:14

I would say to DH to speak to son or son needs to move out, even better if DH is reasoning with son then he can go look for flats with him.

Bekstar · 01/08/2022 19:16

Travelodge allow pets

Am3 · 01/08/2022 19:21

Put any dirty dishes, plates, cups etc in his room and see how he likes them being in there. Anything he leaves out that should be in there. Put it all in his room! X

pylonpal · 01/08/2022 19:23

Would you consider a divorce? This is no way to live, with a man who is so clear in his lack of respect for you.

newtoallthisshizzle · 01/08/2022 19:29

Leave it! Leave it all out for one or the other to clear up! Don’t you do it! No matter how much it riles you to see it, don’t lift a finger this week. Make plans every night.

DFOD · 01/08/2022 19:31

Your DH is nasty and passive aggressive.

He doesn’t do direct confrontation but he is happy to triangulate and set up a row (or certainly not prevent one) between you and your son so he gets to put the boot in to you vicariously.

The mocking loud performance “you all right mate?” to your DS is a disgrace.

dustofneptune · 01/08/2022 19:34

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

It's hard to judge a relationship from the outside. It sounds like your husband is completely disrespectful and your son is even worse.

That being said, I feel like you're both doing the same thing, when it comes to communication?

Your DH is afraid of conflict with your son, so he avoids it.

You are afraid of conflict with your husband, so you have avoided it.

You then asked your husband if he wanted to come for a coffee, which was a "bid for connection" on your part. Your husband rejected it, so you felt even more hurt.

Then your husband made a bid for connection by apologising. You stonewalled him and said nothing - therefore rejecting it and perpetuating the cycle.

Maybe it's true that your husband has no respect for you. Maybe it's true that he's vile, and that his apology was meant to be manipulative. I've been with someone who was absolutely like that, so I know what that feels like (and thank f* I left...).

But on the off chance that you love your husband, and he loves you, and you do want to work this out? Then you have to find a way to communicate with each other. And honestly, the best way to do that would be with a marriage/family therapist. If you are open to it, and your husband is.

Your son is a whole different issue - but if you can find a united front with your husband, then the issues with your son would be easier to manage anyway.

Lozois99 · 01/08/2022 19:35

These blokes are both assholes.

Leave with the puppy. Or leave the puppy behind. They won’t let it die.

Either way, leave. They don’t respect you and they won’t change while they’re backing each other up

Mollymoostoo · 01/08/2022 19:36

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 18:18

Honestly she's at puppy stage, I could t risk it.

No, my DH does equal amounts, it's just that he lets DS literally get away with murder! I keep saying it's not good for you to do that, he needs to follow the rules!

Show quote history

If DH is happy to clean up after son, let him. Stop doing it and just do your own stuff. When they are willing to discuss things, draw up a rota.

AnnieSnap · 01/08/2022 19:40

You’re not wrong. Being painted as the bad guy is not on and your son acting aggressively when you attempt to remind him of your agreement is completely unacceptable at his age. He needs to move out.

SarahSissions · 01/08/2022 19:41

Premier Inns take dogs. Take your laptop and go for a few days. They’ll break before you do. My money is on you not even having to stay the night.

yphtutor · 01/08/2022 19:46

All the excuses! So live with it I’m afraid. It’s the old put up, shut up or do something about it!
Take a couple of days holiday from work, take the dog and bugger off quietly and relax and enjoy. Or not!

loislvg · 01/08/2022 19:55

I would sit them both down and explain exactly how you feel and what they've both done that you're not happy with.

Sons especially are lazy and messy and men need everything spelt out to the exact point for them to understand.

Tell them you're not happy and feel like an outsider in your own home and you deserve to be respected at the very least.

If it doesn't improve then as someone previously said, take all sons dirty pots etc and leave them outside his bedroom door. And if husband doesn't like it he can clean it up for the son.

Solonge · 01/08/2022 20:02

You are not wrong. I have three adult kids from 39 to 42. All have come back at various times for various reasons. My eldest teaches abroad so comes home for Xmas and the Summer holidays. She is fabulous and we have a great relationship. Her room is always a bit of a tip but I stay out of it till she leaves then I do a deep clean, about three hours and we are back to normal. Xmas they are all here...and I just ignore upstairs. I will clean the bath and shower twice a week or if they need it when I am using it, but they all clean the bathrooms too. Its always so difficult for grown up kids when going back home...they all tell me its like reverting to childhood.... We have had them all back for periods of time from a couple of weeks to six months. I do all the cooking anyway...and they will help clearing up. I think you need to sit them both down and say....ok...I am not the bad guy here...but if there is mess and flies....and you have left the mess....you are going to get the flack. Remind your husband that if he doesnt care about the mess....then he can clean up.

MsTSwift · 01/08/2022 20:03

Totally disagree ! Why should lovely op be pushed out of her own home to a cheap and nasty motel by these knobs. Nuclear option have an utter flob out and kick the son out. Dh can then pick his side. Fuck him. You’ve tried treating them like reasonable adults and it hasnt worked.

Olsi109 · 01/08/2022 20:06

I agree that the issue is your DH.

Although your DH isn't a slob/lazy for your DS to imitate, he's done everything for him hence why he's a lazy bugger. He's also being taught by your DH how to treat women, probably why, at 28, he lives with flat mates and then you because only an idiot would put up with him treating them like he's treating you and your home.

You've had lots of advice - I don't think the leaving the mess will make a difference. It's only you that will suffer and if your DH doesn't mind cleaning it it won't have the effect you want it to. You can't leave atm because of work and the dog BUT me personally, I'd be making plans to move out permanently and be hitting your DH with divorce papers because no way would I stand to be treat like that by my spouse or child and it will never improve because they know they can keep doing it. You'll probably be happier.

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