I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

This is the situation totally!

Solidarity OP although my situation was my brother and mother pretty much all of your posts resonate with the "ganging up" dynamic and total lack of respect, with the added frustration that I was held to a higher standard while brother got away with everything and doing fuck all. I was SO miserable.

Nothing will change ime. Brother has moved out and barely bothers to keep in touch with DM, he used her while she was convenient for free rent and ditched her. Dm and I have a good relationship but if I ever bring up the shit he pulled its glossed over and ignored and she still defends him. Your DH will do the same even if DS moves out, they've both shat all over your relationship with them and told you exactly where they see you in the pecking order.

It's like the prodigal son, he's above everything.

I really feel for you

Seems like the problem started when your son moved back home. So tell him to move back out again.

Give 28 days then change the locks.

At 28 he's old enough to suffer the consequences of his own selfish actions. Cannot understand why you would not do this immediately, why all the hand wringing?

Him moving out won't fix the damage the DH has done to his and OPs relationship, so it's not as straightforward as that. I agree he should move out ASAP but the dh has shown exactly what he thinks of OP, and how little respect he has for her and her feelings, so how do they move on from that?

How long is your son staying, or is this an indefinite stay?

Unless you can sort it out with your dh, this is your life for the foreseeable future.

Give 28 days then change the locks. At 28 he's old enough to suffer the consequences of his own selfish actions. Cannot understand why you would not do this immediately, why all the hand wringing?

You can't understand why a Mother might find it difficult to kick her own son out? Whilst I agree he absolutely deserves it, that's very easy for us to say on MN but in reality it is not a decision most parents would take lightly. For starters, it's not just OP's home it's also her DH's and he's currently burying his head in the sand, preferring to ignore their sons shitty behaviour rather than have a difficult conversation.

Pay attention to your deep emotions here and attend to them - because your DH certainly isn’t - don’t let him minimise them, deflect or avoid. Don’t doubt yourself.

He doesn’t hear you and you are not his priority.

It’s important you know that fact.

These statements from PP resonated:

”They’ve both shat all over your relationship with them and told you exactly where they see you in the pecking order.”

“Your level of anger and upset is an indication of a deep rooted disconnect going on.”

“Marriage needs to be the first priority followed by our children or it doesn't work.”

He's just come in and said sorry about yesterday, I was childish, I just didn't respond.

Nows not the time to talk it's the middle of my working day.

I couldn't even look at him.

It's not just yesterday it's all of it.

You are working - now is not the time.

Make sure that when you do speak with him, he hears it all. Hurtful or no.

Saying sorry is a start but actions speak louder than words. Their actions over the weekend will take a lot of speaking about.

And your son needs to be sorry as well. He really does.

Love for family is fine. It means nowt if you don’t get treated with kindness and respect.

I just don't want to talk today, I had a dreadful nights sleep, then pup had me up just before six.

I've spoken to him about this sort of thing so many times, then the rejection yesterday and I'm just done with it.

It's just not fair this treatment and whilst I was full of anger this morning, I'm tired and emotional this afternoon.

Once I've finished work, I'm going to get myself something quick to eat and go to bed with my book, ipad and just get some peace. I won't have to listen to the head fuckery between them, because today I can't deal with it.

I may even take a large glass of wine up! 🍷

If you aren’t ready to talk today sweet, then don’t. You’ve had a shocker of a weekend (and I know it isn’t just the weekend) and you have to be in the right frame of mind to deal with it.

Wine and pup company sounds like a lovely way to spend the evening.

March to your drum flower. For now, just concentrate on getting yourself settled. You matter.

The rest can wait. 🌻

It wasn’t an accident that he “apologised” when you were working. He’s avoidant.

Reflect on all of the incidents yourself and see if there is a pattern and consolidate how this leaves you feeling. No point exploring that with him. Take your time and take care of yourself.

@Josie45
This just got worse.
You're doing his childcare so he can work!
Who cares if he works or not - he doesn't even let you have a say in anything.
You don't have a relationship - you work days and he works nights.
He's using you.
Move back to your actual house and only see him on the weekends, the only time you both won't be working.
Just date him.
If he doesn't like this idea then that's your proof that he's happy to see you as a passing ship during the week and really wants you for the childcare.
Find a single man or a divorced man that doesn't have young children - don't ruin your life, money, space, time for someone else's kids - it's never appreciated.

I'm guessing by your username that you're 45 and from the thread you don't have any kids - most likely can't or won't have any either.
Even more reason not to waste your energy on this set up designed to use and abuse you and your resources.

I felt so sad for you reading this. Your DH really is a world class cunt. If your husband does not have your back then there is no point to him. A grown man siding with his adult son against his wife and another grown man excluding his own mother - this is a truly terrible situation. I would very seriously be asking both of them to leave. I don't see how the marriage can come back from this betrayal.

You get on great because he’s using you for childcare. See how great you get on if you refuse to look after his kids.

I hope that at least you’re not paying any rent or bills in return for the free childcare?

My son is 27. We just found out he is neuro diverse and has severe ADHD. I also think he has high functioning autism. This sounds like my son. Could it be possible that your son may be similar? My son doesn’t tick the standard ADHD boxes but after 6 months of meds he’s a different person.

Lads being lads! Stop doing housework and cooking altogether to punish DH

I’m amazed that your son - aged 28 - could be so selfish. How much rent is he paying you? Enough for a cleaner? If you are daft enough not to be charging, you could give him the option of a) paying a cleaner for six hours a week or b) doing 45 minutes a day himself. Or just kick him out. He’s 28. At that age I had left home 10 years, had two kids and a mortgage. Like many others.

I would tell DH if he wants some you better buckle up. Because it's our house not DS. After all a man is a man. Maybe it will work.

Do not do anything for him, no favours, nothing. And any of his mess that he leaves out, dinner plates, dirty cups, clothes laying around. Move it all into his room, he clearly leaves stuff in the kitchen or wherever thinking oh well she will do it. No mate, you can have all your dirty belongings in your room and live in a pig stein yourself. That might force him to clean it out his room. (Assuming he has his own room)

Sounds like all BU, tbh. You are for being inflexible, of course routines are going to change with someone else in the house. Your son is unreasonable, for not doing what he’s asked. DH unreasonable for not helping or being a team member. Something has to change or nothing will.

I would want to assess and understand what your partner is doing. Is this his usual approach with you. Why is he speaking to you like that? Humiliating you and belittling your feelings? That would be my number one priority to understand.
Is there an issue in your relationships? Does he feel you're a nag or something? Are you sounding Maggie? I don't know the answers but maybe you do.
I would seriously get myself to a point of absolute calm and minimal emotion.and then request a converted privately out of the home with your partner. Ask him what's going on. Communicate your feelings and aim for minimal upset and emotion if possible.

What an awful situation. The pressing issue here sounds more to do with your husband than the problems with your son.

Let DH do all the clearing up for DS and maybe he will get sick of it and come over to your side. Then hopefully a united front saying DS has to do his bit.