I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

Go on nice long vacation somewhere you can afford and leave them to fend for themselves. Hint you are about over dealing with inconsiderate slobs and non supporting spouses add maybe it is time to explore other options!

Hope you're doing ok? We've got your back ❤️🍷

Could you make a rota for cooking, and clearing up etc. Take it in turns with your son one day and you and DH the next.

Let DH and DS get a flat together. You and the wee dog will be fine.

Make sure your son is paying room and board give him a receipt. Adults pay their way. Write down your list of rules for your home, have him sign it. If he breaks them after 3rd time his room and board are terminated and he had 72 hours to vacate. As the mother of a 35 year old it worked like a charm for me. But what has ticked me off is his flat is spotless...even had coasters...

Give your son a warning..tell him if he does not abide by the house rules x he has x amount of days/weeks to find another place to live. And carry it through.
Tell your oh he is setting an example to his son to a) disrespect all house rules and (& disrespect /annoy his gf /partner therefore be potentually chucked out /split up with gfs etc for these reasons ) . B) setting your son up to feel that the potential mother of his children should basically be treated like a maid and setting an example that men should disrespect and disagree with their wives /generally treat them a bit like poo & he may carry on his relationships c) also , he may be 28...but he is still your child...albeit amd adult 1 perfectly aware of what he is doing so tough love may be in order here.
Rift my foot. The only rift my oh would get is the one from a metaphorical frying pan .

See if you can find a dog friendly hotel. The behaviour is totally unacceptable from both. Your DH should have your back and your DS should have more respect for you and the rules you have in place. It's not like you have a major list of rules for him to follow.

I've found a quiet 'I hope you feel very proud of yourselves' or '.. of your hurtful behaviour' has been useful as a way of making the offenders reflect on said behaviours. Only works if the offenders are normally decent people, otherwise it is a waste of time.

girlmom21 · Today 06:42
Reigateforever · Yesterday 23:22
He should pay a third of his salary towards your roof over his head. You can spend it on yourself or save it secretly to pay towards his down payment for a flat. He should also pay a third of the utility bills. Then he if doesn’t wish to clean up, he should pay for a cleaner.
Where's the logic in expecting him to pay a 3rd of his salary?

A third of the bills, yes, but his salary doesn't proportionately affect the cost of running OP's house.
because when you want to rent a flat/house or have a mortgage it’s based on a third of your wage. Then after there are the utility and food bills. Having this money taken off him would hopefully encourage him to leave. What OP wants to do with his money is up to them

Leave the puppy in his bedroom for a few hours each day. See how he likes an interloper messing up his living space.

This is such a hard situation - I feel your pain/frustration having dealt with something similar.
When my son left home he had been taught how to look after himself with regards to cooking, washing, cleaning etc. I was pleased that I had sent him out into the world - equipped to cope.

Eighteen months later - due to lockdown he moved back home and it has been very hard work! He came home for a couple of weeks and eighteen months later he is still here. What has made it worse is that while he was in London - I had to sell the family home and downsize so he doesn't have a bedroom in my new house.

The only help I can offer is that you have to keep reinforcing your rules, if you don't feel like cooking/cleaning his mess don't - try to ignore it. Loose your temper and tell him why you are angry. Don't make his life easy for him.

Tell your husband you need to work together to help your son be responsible.

BUT more than anything do not allow them to bully you into feeling worthless.

My son has slowly got a grip after I stopped trying to keep the peace, as all mums do and he has found himself with a 'housemate' who doesn't roll over and back down - who has reminded him why that certain behaviour isn't exceptable and is like his fathers which is why we are divorced.

I have had to be very harsh at times - which I hate - but he is an adult who needs to behave like one! And when he doesn't behave like an adult - nor do i.

Good luck

Some of this advice is shit. Beggars Go quiet and be sulky (like that passive aggression will work) or move out to a horrid hotel where you have to live in one room leaving them the run of the house?! Wtaf?

'Get away with murder'? 🤣 The murder being dirty dishes? 😂
I personally think you're overreacting. Life is short. Hang a fly catcher or something. Few extra dishes won't kill anyone. Be glad he's alive and healthy. Hug him more and tell him how proud you are of him.
I would love to smother my boys for as long as possible.

Tell him he has to move back out! He’s 28 years old!! He can get another flat or flat share.

You need to set your inner bitch free!

I'd clean up after them and just bide your time as they will want something from you eventually.

Tell your fella your going to go on a big shopping spree, nails, hair, shoes, the works. Write a list with the prices and leave out for him to notice. Should do the trick.

*you are ☺️

I’m sorry that you are going through this, I’ve been through similar.

Lots of good suggestions, one I might add is to get a cleaner and insist everyone pays for it. Talk openly to your oh, he needs to know how this is affecting you and if he doesn’t like the cleaner option then your son needs to leave or be given boundaries.

Unfortunately I’m no longer married, that is the end result of one half of a partnership refusing to compromise.

Sending hugs 🤗 I really do feel for you x

Sit and wait for them to come in a room together and just be sadly crying. Make them feel guilty for making you feel left out.

Seriously?! You clearly have never had the misfortune of dealing with men like this. They wouldn't even notice any kind of 'sadly crying' manipulation just doesn't work!

Maybe let this one go - sounds like you're taking it a bit too much to heart and there are deeper issues going on with you and your husband that need addressing x

Well done for not speaking to your DH, you could have said so much in anger that in hindsight the minute he walked out of the room you may have felt a tinsey bit bad, for a minute anyway.
You definitely were the bigger person by not biting and maybe causing more stress to the situation.
Silence speaks volumes.
Hopefully you have a better night's sleep.

Was he not taught to do chores as a kid? Why is it not just simply routine for him to do these things. I'm confused. If you allowed him to be raised this way then why are you shocked hes like this. Be happy he's at home for you to straighten out and he's not instead palmed his issues off on a girlfriend.

@Outoforder2 I have been going through very similar with my husband. My dc is a teen but it is the same, disrespectful, rude, lazy, unhelpful. Husband doesn't deal, just thinks he needs to 'manage' me like I'm some kind of nutcase for getting angry, whilst chumming up with dc. Totally related to the feeling of being lonely and isolated in your own home... :( Dc child stated 'Dad doesn't agree with your rules, just goes along with them for an easy life' - that was massive red flag to me. Husband stated 'well I haven't said that' Yes I said, but you've shown it which is worse! Last week I lost it at them both and went out for 3 hours. When I returned I told him that if he wasn't 'with me' then he was 'against me', it was one or the other and that if we could not present a united front then I would rather present a front on my own and he could foxtrot oscar. There has been a massive improvement so far...

Not sure if this has been mentioned previously but guessing your age from your son's age, are you taking hrt? Honestly it seems like you're over reacting in a very emotional way to a very practical issue and for me that was helped with hrt.

If you're a man, you'll be crucified for this.

So dismissive.