I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

I’m not sure there would be enough HRT (or chocolate) in the world to stop me acting emotionally when being made to feel like an outsider in my own home by two men who are supposed to care for me.

I do now want to ask my doc if it would help with me being a bastard.

Are you ever too late to start taking it?

That's some seriously Stepford advice: if someone is inconsiderate and disrepectful to you, take some drugs so you don't inconvenience everyone else with your negative emotional response. After all it's only what you deserve and you'll need to crack on if you're going to get all that cleaning done.

I think you ALL sound like a nightmare to live with!

Absolutely Melli. Take some hormones so you go back to being an uncomplaining drudge who does all the shit work. Their support human is malfunctioning we can’t have that 🙄. Some of this advice is weird - sulk / cry so they “feel bad” or move out to a shit hotel 🙄. What the hell?!

Makes me feel sick we have teens and are an utter united front that they stack the dishwasher etc. Dh a better delegator than me when I was in bed with covid for 2 weeks he got the teens doing loads.

Raise his rent. Hire staff to pick up after him.

Failing that, go a week without lifting a finger to clean up.

Don't be stupid.

Leaving an animal lonely and ignored is not an appropriate thing to do at any timeout to do it to a pup who needs company, socialisation and her confidence in her owner building up is both cruel and irresponsible, .

You could end up with a very snappy or depressed dog.

This! It's my plan should I 'snap'.

I don’t feel there is anything wrong with taking a week long holiday to remove yourself from the situation. Take a weeks holiday with the dog and do the things you want to do. Disengage.
I’d then up the rent for the son and get a cleaner.

Kick your fully grown son the f*ck out of your house. You and your husband are letting someone who is literally almost 30 years old come between you, you'd think this was written about a teen not a man.

I'm 27 myself, moved out from my mams 8 years ago, have my own house and children and id never ever expect to just move back in with my mam and then to be so disrespectful in her house. Kick him out! X

Hahaha. Hug him and tell him you're proud of him? As a lazy 28 year old slob? Or justlet it go? Jesus. Explains why so many women on here post that their DHs are completely blind to mess.

The disrespectful thing here is that your son leaving shit out is leaving it for you and DH to do. There is no cleaning fairy. Ask him why his time is less important than yours.

As for your DH I would have exploded by now but there's not much point if you get 2 sentences in and he gets defensive and shitty with you.

Hope you're doing ok OP.

I've been in similar situations & it's so hurtful to have your feelings dismissed by those you love as you don't tend to make a fuss, rather than look at what's fair overall.

Ignore people using the word nagging - if everyone just did the thing there would be no need to repeat yourself, (not nag).

I hope your family can see the issues here & work hard to resolve them. The resentment can be overwhelming

Or maybe she is having PMT? You should be ashamed of yourself!

I focused on your heading 'I am probably wrong'.....NO YOU ARE NOT. You are being disrespected and made the feel the villain of the piece, I echo the wise words of @buckeejit

Or maybe they should put me in an institution? Isn't that what happened to women of a "certain age", if they were proving difficult?

Jesus, I thought that attitude had gone years ago, clearly not!

No I won't be approaching my GP for medication, to ensure I "pipe down".

For others that were more helpful, I had a much better nights sleep, I did as I said made myself an easy dinner, then retired to my bedroom. DH then made dinner for him and DS, everything cleared up, but that of course is not the issue really.

So, I'll see what today brings. He will be home around 2.30, but that's not a time I can talk, it's not my lunch time and I'm working.

So if he attempts to "talk" then, I will decline and tell him a five minute chat is not going to cut this, we need to talk and agree. Of course this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened and I've now just about had enough.

I think the pally pally with DS (which I'm sure was for my benefit) when declining my invitation to talk has pushed me over the edge.

What we do now, I don't know. I love my pup, but if she wasn't here I could probably move out tomorrow. But I can't and won't leave her, she's coming on great and we did some super ignoring other dogs in the park this morning, we seem to have cracked ignoring humans even if they're running, cycling whatever. But those dogs are harder to resist, I can't let the training up and nor do I want to. Sadly we don't have a spare room either .

I do know I'm gaining a lot from this thread and this is something I need to hold firm on!

Thank you, yes it is.

Although I feel much better today after a decent sleep!

I wonder if this is more about your relationship with your DH. Maybe having your DS at home has just brought things to a head. Also, if he’s never supported you in your dealings with your son, it’s really not surprising DS chose one of you over the other (and since your DH is a pushover he’s the one chosen).
Maybe step back from berating DS for a while to focus on your DH. He may be feeling depressed that he no longer has his friends’ company and has lost his house. You mentioned him working, you might consider charging him rent/bills. Draw up a rota of specific chores for all 3 of you, so he doesn’t feel singled-out. Keep it simple eg DH clear table after dinner/DS wash dishes/you dry and put away? Give him his bedding every fortnight and ask him to make his bed etc
You and your DH sound like you need some time together, so don’t ask him to go for coffee. Tell him the night before that you’re taking him out so you can have some quality time together.

Stressful isn't it!

Has this ‘ganging up’ thing been going on for a longtime? So so sexist and in your own home is absolutely outrageous. Are you charging your son rent?

Yes it's been going on a while, yes I do charge a small amount of rent, I want him to be able to save up the deposit for a new place.

Time to get very tough OP, but I think you know that. It is tough being 2-1, but you cannot let them knock you down.

Your adult son needs to respect the family home. I wouldn't dream of acting this way in my parents home but they wouldn't have let me get away with it, which your enabler of a DH is doing for an easy life. But this is at the expense of your happiness. If they don't want to clean that's fine, but they need to pay for a cleaner to do their share or kick them out!!

Who said anything about cheap nasty hotels 😂. Find somewhere lovely plenty of places take dogs now. Chill out relax and consider what your next move should be. Meanwhile your absence should send alarm signals to your dope of a husband and your dope of a son and help them to come to their own conclusions about their dreadful behaviour. Hopefully it will be a rocket where they both deserve it. Best of luck whatever you decide to do 🤞

Ooh ooh that was me! I think I said premier Inn or something.

I would absolutely fuck off to a hotel be it cheap and nasty or not and tell them I was sick of the pair of them and was taking time to think carefully about whether I was going to carry on living with their shit.

What we do now, I don't know. I love my pup, but if she wasn't here I could probably move out tomorrow.

I think you need to say this to your husband. He wants to be the popular parent with the overgrown child whose approval he seems to need, and doesn't care if that means throwing your relationship under the bus. Even if your son moves back out, you will remember and resent H's treatment of you. And it won't alter the dynamic whenever son is around.

Refusing to speak to you was just plain abusive, and again, childish. It is done to punish and train you. Is it something he does often?

Do you want to remain married to this man?

I once emailed my DH a resignation letter, do you think it might bring your DH to his senses?

Mr DadW
Head of Household
1 My Street
My Town

Dear Mr DadW

Please accept my resignation from the post of Wife and General Dogs Body with immediate effect.

I feel that the job is now becoming too stressful and that I need to put my own mental well-being first.

My work colleagues seem unable to work as a team, are no longer prepared to accept orders and are refusing to fulfill their contractual jobs. They do not show me the respect that I feel I deserve. The junior members of my team speak to me in a manner that I am no longer prepared to tolerate and the senior management is no longer supportive. The workload is piling up and I refuse to carry the free loaders any longer.

You will find sufficient goods in the fridge and freezer to last a couple of days. Clean bedding is available for the upcoming deadline but after that management is on its own.

Yours sincerely

Mrs MumW

Thinking about this further, you might want to turn this on its head and be management giving a written warning so you can jokingly (not) ask them to leave the premises. Managers not towing the party line, too friendly with the junior members of their team and not comanding the respect of team leader/manager making their role untenable - that sort of thing.

If it was me, DH would have to start having my back or I'd be seriously considering LTB.