AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

[EspeciallyEager]

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

Of course its harder.

You now have 2 competing needs to meet.

And of course people cope but that doesn't mean it's not harder

YABU. Two is more than twice as hard as one.
Why? Two words: sibling rivalry

I'm not going to lie I held off having a second child so there is an 8 year age gap but even with it being less stressful than having two in close succession it is hard. I love having two children and I don't regret it but I've found it harder second time round. Maybe it's because there personalities are so different. But there are many that have several and are supermums I genuinely don't know how they do it.

@ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler

Why so goddamn rude?

Several people have said to me that the jump from 1 to 2 is not as big as the jump from 0 to 1. I think it really depends on how easy your babies are as to whether you feel this way.

I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

It's when you've spent all day sorting out one child and the other becomes needy, as soon as you grab that to do list.

Yea it's harder having a whole extra person, however...

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two”

Your mother doesn't sound very nice.

Sometimes having two is great - they play together (leaving you alone), they help each other and their relationship can be really cute.

Then there's the bickering. The awful, awful bickering that makes you want to slit your wrists. Then it's not great and it's much, much harder.

Same. I have a 14 year age gap but it's still hard as I'm constantly torn between meeting the demands of a teenager and a toddler. And I work almost full time. Some days feel like my head is going to explode 🤣

It was SO much easier with just the one.

I found 2 easier than one. More busy, more fun etc - you know exactly what you’re doing and what to expect so everything is much smoother. But then I found 1 easy as well, once I decided to just go with my baby rather than my mother’s/society’s advice (and my first was a nightmare baby) and I firmly believe a lot of it is just your attitude. It did help having number 1 first as he was hard so 2 was an easier baby and I knew to appreciate it. #3 isn’t particularly easy but he’s no worse than #1 so that’s a win in my book!

You don't think it is rude to say "I manage just fine with my one child and therefore don't understand how someone with two can possibly find it difficult"? Because that is essentially what OP is saying.

To me 1 to 2 was so much harder as my second was a high needs baby.

Then there's the bickering. The awful, awful bickering that makes you want to slit your wrists.

Ahh see this, I definitely don't have, which is the beauty of a 14 year age gap. 😂

I found that I relaxed my own expectations a lot when I had my 2nd. I found parenting more fun and less stressful.

It was more of a “I’m barely coping with one - how on earth do people cope with two, or is it not actually double the work” kinda question.

sorry to touch a nerve 😆

2 is of course more work, but I'd definitely say going from 0-1 child was far harder than going from 1-2 kids! Like you say, your life is already very child orientated so not a great deal changes.

It’s not double the work. There’s management at the beginning as you’re feeding one milk and the other food, but quite soon there’s an overlap. You’re cooking the same food; they are in the same bath etc. mine get on extremely well too so it’s great - they have a playmate and I occasionally need to referee but it saves me having by play doctor 15 hours in a row.

It depends on the age I would think. I know a few mums who had ‘2 under 2’ and it really didn’t look like fun. When I had my second my oldest was just about to turn 5. I didn’t find it hard. Oldest was at school so I wasn’t really looking after 2 all the time. He was gaining independence, and actually quite good at keeping the baby distracted when I was trying to get things done like cooking - not actively, but the baby just seemed to enjoy watching his older brother play and potter about so didn’t need my constant attention. I left it fairly late compared to others, I think most of the mums I knew had their second when their oldest was 3 or nearly 4. They also didn’t seem to find it that hard.
I would give it a bit more time if I were you.

this was aimed at you . .

It was more of a “I’m barely coping with one - how on earth do people cope with two, or is it not actually double the work” kinda question.

sorry to touch a nerve 😆

I found I was more relaxed with number 2 and it was easier when he was born as I knew what I was doing more, but 2 is def harder. Bickering, trying to give each enough time/attention, the two of them tag-teaming me, mainly at bedtime. 2 lots of nursery fees, often 2 lots of illness to cope with. When you've only got 1 you can often give each other a break - not so much with 2.

Oh god 😣 good point!

For context, my DD was 13 months old when I had DS, and DS will be 15 months when baby is born, so 3 under 3.

For me, 1 felt really hard work until no.2 came along. 20 months between the 2. Then about ages 3/1 they became interested in each other, started playing together. Yes, it was still blummin hard, but they didn't need me so much during play times. As teens they're the best of friends, and have been for years.

I've never understood those who choose to leave years between children. Who needs nappies and sleepless nights for years on end? Get it all done in one fell swoop if you want more than 1 and you're able to conceive in the timeframes you'd like.

It's not double the work, but I think a key thing is how they sleep. If you have two up at different times through the night, then that's the real killer - functioning on basically zero sleep yourself.

@mrsbitaly

thats interesting to know - I wondered if a larger age gap would make it more manageable.

I found the jump from no children to one child much bigger than from 1 child to 2. It isn't double the work, they do entertain each other sometimes. Already used to less sleep and much more relaxed with second baby as more experienced.