AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

[EspeciallyEager]

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

I found the adjustment to our 2nd much easier than with 1st but my gosh the bickering and sibling rivalry is something else. My youngest is 2.5 and I keep finding myself saying 'I don't remember it being this hard with DD1' but with DD1 I didn't have another child to think about, I didn't have all the squabbling and bickering.
Did I mention the bickering

It's really hard with a newborn and a two yr old. When I went in to have my daughter, my son was still a baby and I cried because I was going to miss him so much.
He came in the next day with his dad to meet his new sister and he looked huge, but he still wanted to be my baby and I felt I'd let him down when I came home as I had a newborn that was taking up most of my time.

I have to say I found the transition to 2 pretty straightforward as routines with eldest already in place eg school run etc so baby had to just fit in. Plus she was an easy baby so all was quite nice........ However since she's turned 2 I have found it much more hard work as she is on the go all day (now dropped naps too) and I do find it q exhausting having 2. Having said that I wouldn't have it any other way as they both worship each other (for now) and it has brought a side out on my eldest I wouldn't otherwise have seen.

I don't find it that hard tbh. Nothing like the first. You know what's coming, what to do and that it won't last forever. Plus you have made the massive transition to parenthood.

Compared to my 3 yo, looking after a newborn was like a holiday. You are used to this ball of energy that talks back and has tatrums. Then you get this tiny baby that can't move for the it's few months and just eats, sleeps, snd fills its nappies. My husband was off for two weeks and our son was at pre school. It was honestly, the most relaxing few weeks I've had since I became a mum. We just sat on the couch watching tv and took turns to sleep. We even treated ourselves to a fancy lunch out with the baby.

They are 1 and 4 now and it's still fine. Bed times can be a bit of a horror show but it's fine.

I have a good age gap (just under 3 years). Think that helps.

SOMETIMES they have a playmate. Sometimes no 2 has additional needs and it's like two very different only children who only interact to fight/complain about the other.
It was sheer hell at times, not gonna lie.

For me it wasn't twice as much work at all. I'd already had the major life change of having one child - so having one more didn't dramatically change my life any further. I found it MUCH easier second time around. I often think it's easier to have two because they go off and play together. They do fight though and it's a bit tiring bring referee sometimes.

Double the work. My eldest was almost 2 when my second was born 5 months ago and Jesus Christ I didn't think it would be this bad.
My toddler was fantastic with the baby. But now if he cries she goes into a full on meltdown. They're both always ill at the same time but with different things. They both always want something at the same time so I have double the screaming and crying.
I feel like I get nothing done. Ever.

No it's insanely more work. Two children is more work than the sum of one and one if that makes any sense.

My 2 argue and fight constantly, to the point that one or both of them is physically hurt and/ or in tears multiple times a day. It's absolutely draining.

haha

changing, carrying, helping, washing, cleaning, tidying, helping with homework, chatting TIMES 2

and the noise and scope for arguments increases with every child, I don’t mind the physical extra work but the arguing is the worst part of it (and my kids get on pretty well)

If you have a baby then it’s hard to imagine those arguments.

I found it easier in the baby days with 2 as my firstborn would entertain the baby at times. It wasn't as lonely either. The bickering drives me up the wall sometimes but when the eldest takes care of the youngest it melts my heart!

Surely it depends on the child? My first was hard work for a few years then chilled out, my second has been much more relaxed on average and therefore easier once he got over the whole not sleeping thing. If I'd had them the other way round I probably would have found 1-2 harder than 0-1 but as it was I got an easier baby as a hard child mellowed and not long after they were playing together which gives me more space.

Wait a bit and see how you feel, your child might chill out too.

As a previous poster said: sibling rivalry.

DD on her own is fine. DS on his own is fine. Both of them with me and DH is fine.
but both kids and only DH or me….. bloody nightmare!!! The fighting for attention is absolutely insane.

Depends on the age. Two babies = loads more work than one baby. Two 7-9 year olds who get on ok: waaaay less work than one lonely kid constantly asking for attention.

For me having my first was the biggest shock. My eldest child was so demanding. I didn't realise how much when I had my second and she was a much more laid back baby. I could even put her in the bouncer!

I had a three year gap and I think that really helped. Eldest was at preschool during the day, so I had time with the youngest or just to sleep. Eldest was also able to help (fetch nappies etc) and from birth, my youngest just loved watching my eldest. As soon as my youngest could crawl, she'd follow her sister around, and my eldest loved being the big sister.

They shared a room too. Youngest was an easy sleeper, but at the weekends, if they woke early they played together. They have their own rooms now, but still have the occasional sleepover together.

With three years, there wasn't much sibling rivalry either. I've found they're close enough in age to share the same interests / hobbies and to play with each other. But there's enough of a gap that they don't compete. They've always recognised theres a big difference between what a six and nine year old can do, so despite my eldest being very competitive, she hasn't competed with her younger sister. Now they're teens, they have separate friends but are close and even go away overnight together. It helps that they're the same sex, so share interests, and have that closeness.

Two was more logistically difficult but I didn't break until I had #3.

It is in someways easier, of course. You've already got an idea of how you want to do things, there's less to buy, to organise. They do distract each other.

But you will just be more busy and constrained time wise very regularly too and if you're already complaining that it's too much then you will be overwhelmed.

Your current child needs more sleep time id suggest especially as they'll likely drop a nap soon. Start bedtime a bit earlier each night to creep bedtime forwards a bit, then more free time

I found 2 better for sone reason, yes more busy but easier than 0-1 child, way easier

I think it's swings and roundabouts. Some things are easier or at least not as hard as with the first eg you are already in a routine so it's not a big change in that sense compared with having your first, you already know what you're doing a bit more so probably more relaxed and confident, you probably already have all the stuff or if you don't, you know what you might use and what you won't. They can be so cute together if they get on, they might play together (mine are only 18m and 4 1/2 so this is starting to happen more and more now the little one can play more) which is nice as you can sit and watch more or do other stuff. We also already had more of a "mum circle" so didn't have to find local friends in the same way as first time round, and this was particularly good in my case as my second was born when everything has stopped.

Downsides - it's not the same as the little cosy newborn bubble as you still have to meet the needs of your other child. Sometimes they might get jealous of each other, or annoy each other. Going out is more effort still - the thought of taking either my toddler or the 4 year old out alone seems so much easier for some reason than taking both together. It feels like it will be a long time before I can "pop" somewhere again!!

Overall I do love it though. My DH works a lot and I'm now on summer hols with them and it does feel like we are a little trio now. It's a bit more fun with 2 when it's going well. However when they're both crying at you for different reasons, or even the same reason, it can be a bit overwhelming!!

We have a 3 year age gap and overall I think it was a good move - they will have enough in common for playing/days out etc., my eldest had nursery funding when her sis was born so she could still go during my mat leave, she was also fairly independent eg could go to the loo or get herself a snack or fruit while I was pinned to the sofa with a sleeping/feeding baby.

As they get older I anticipate juggling different hobbies alongside my work and life being harder, as well as the obvious expense of having to pay for double the amount of stuff like that and trying to make sure it is all equal.

Basically yes it is harder - sometimes 200% harder but other times not much difference.

@custardbear his sleep is fine he is just on the lower end sleep needs wise. He dropped his second nap months and months ago and every attempt to pull his bedtime earlier in the evening results in really disturbed night time sleep.

@RadFad 😂 the bickering seems to be a common theme on this thread!

It's definitely double the work which can be a real shock but the overall adjustment is probably less than having one.

How much sleep you get has a huge impact.

The real shock of one to 2 is that you have a nice little routine with one going that is probably working well and factoring in a newborn is relentless.

Takes about 12 weeks to get into the rhythm of having two.

I heard someone say this when I was pregnant with my third.

One is an accessory.
Two are a family.
Three are the trenches.
Four is drowning.
Five is madness.

Very cheerful😁

@Nadjamydarling 🥺 There really are some things parents should keep to themselves - what an awful thing to hear.

This is exactly the reason I’m on here fishing for horror stories - my husband and I talked a lot about coping strategies for handling one child. I want as good an idea as possible of the realities of handling two children so we can do the same again if we make the decision to have more. I hate the idea of the child getting the backlash because things are tough 🥺

twins must have been shock! Sounds like you’re smashing it though 💪

@CinnamonJellyBeans well I was going to sit and go through this thread with DH . . . 😂

I had my first two close on age, ds was a surprise. He was an easier baby than his sister but did not sleep well so for the first two years, it was bloody hard. It then got easier as they would keep each other company and could go to the same groups being so close in age. Once he slept through it was very easy, tiring of course bit I enjoyed it. I've got 3 now and it's been easier than I expected because my baby slept through from 3 months inside her siblings. I am not as pedantic as I used ro be and don't sweat the small stuff. Mine are all in bed asleep by 8pm currently so whilst my days are busy the evening is my time. I work part time and have a dh who is an equal partner. It totally depends on the children, your personality, work circumstances and the amount of help of any you have. Things do change of course, as mine get older the challenges will change so it won't always be like it is now.