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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

162 replies

EspeciallyEager · 31/07/2022 15:57

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

OP posts:
Ballcactus · 31/07/2022 16:17

When you go from 1-2 you already know what’s in store… except you don’t really. It’s a lot. But children full stop is a lot.

trilbydoll · 31/07/2022 16:17

Double children = quadruple washing, I don't know why, some weird law of physics.

When they're bigger they might play together so then two is less work than one.

If you have a small age gap then you can basically treat them as a single entity. Bigger age gaps are harder I think.

trilbydoll · 31/07/2022 16:18

Oh and the absolute best thing about having two is that when you then have one on their own it feels like a breeze 😁

Lostmywaysomuch · 31/07/2022 16:19

Some parts are harder, some are easier. There are golden moments when they play with each other, and then awful moments when they fight, or they both want the last whatever in the house/shop/museum and when one is ill and the other wants to go out, or when they are jealous of what the other has/does. Just like living on your own is different than living with a partner.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/07/2022 16:20

I found having two was like having three

  1. Meet the needs of dc1
  2. Meet the needs of dc2
  3. Balance how I do that so neither misses out
lancsgirl85 · 31/07/2022 16:20

EspeciallyEager · 31/07/2022 16:15

@mrsbitaly

thats interesting to know - I wondered if a larger age gap would make it more manageable.

More manageable in many ways. Second pair of hands to help, different needs so you're not trying to do the same thing with both, and there's certainly no bickering between a teenager and a toddler so that's a definite bonus!

But - on the other hand the age gap creates conflicts in their needs - I'm constantly pulled one way and then the other. Teenager demands lifts, cash, and long talks about life and friend / boyfriend dramas, while toddler demands, well all the stuff a toddler demands (basically everything😂)... It can be hard balancing that out. But I'd still rather have my two at the ages they are now than two under 3s or something 😱

tigertigerg · 31/07/2022 16:22

I found 1-2 harder than 0-1 but 1 was an easy dc

tigertigerg · 31/07/2022 16:23

2 easier as they age as they will sometimes go off and play.

DelurkingAJ · 31/07/2022 16:23

Utterly depends on the DC (and on the age gap). We left 3.5 years (DS1 didn’t sleep and we would have been too broken earlier) and when they’re good together it’s brilliant but mainly we’re refereeing. (I have actually been told by DS2 that he shouted at DS1 ‘because he looked at me funny’ (he was 5, he wasn’t being ironic)). And it is about balance and sometimes divide and conquer. But, for us, it has avoided us being too wrapped up in DS1 and too precious about him.

BuwchGochGota · 31/07/2022 16:24

I have 3 DC, all now teens. Small age gaps (< 2 years) between DC1 and DC2 and between DC2 and DC3.

The jump from 0 to 1 DC was the biggest. The jump from 1 to 2 was less, but at the same time I went from FT to PT work as I'd decided I wanted to spend more time with them. The jump from 2 to 3 was even less, although having more DC than hands is a challenge when they're small.

I think as a parent I was far more anxious with DC1, by DC3 I was far more confident and laid back.

Timeforanewnamenow · 31/07/2022 16:24

I think 3 years is the perfect gap. The older one is a bit more Independent when the little one is born so I don’t think there’s as much sibling rivalry but they can still start to play together once the little one is about 2.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 31/07/2022 16:24

I always sort of see it as more than an extra 1 because the sibling dynamic is almost a whole extra "child" in itself that has to be managed and balanced. Maybe I am unlucky but my 2, roughly 2 years apart are different sex, have virtually no interests in common and probably entertain each other in a way that doesn't ultimately end in tears or a row about 2% of the time. I am an SP so find it very very difficult to balance their needs and wants and find things to do that they both will enjoy or at least tolerate. When I have a rare chance to just be on my own with one of them its a totally different experience. Its harder as they get older actually and their personalities and interests are just diverging more.

lickenchugget · 31/07/2022 16:24

yes

CookPassBabtridge · 31/07/2022 16:26

So much harder! I have two and don't know how people cope with more.
But.. they play together and entertain each other (3 yr age gap) so don't need loads of attention 😆

Babdoc · 31/07/2022 16:27

I had a 16 month gap between my two. It gets the nappies and teething etc out of the way in one fell swoop, but it is certainly hard work.
They never synchronise filling nappies or being ill - just as you finish the sleepless nights and endless cleaning from child A’s vomiting bug, child B goes down with it. And some days I was never off my knees with the nappy changing mat.
It’s v tiring carrying a toddler around while heavily pregnant too.
My MIL had 5 children under 7, and I have no idea how she coped, even with an au pair to help!

Timeturnerplease · 31/07/2022 16:28

0 to 1 was the hardest for us but that’s because DD1 was a seriously demanding non sleeping nap refuser who required attention every second of the day and hated people with a fiery passion.

However easy DD2 is, despite also being a non sleeper, trying to meet the needs of two of them is hard. Mine are now 11mo and 3.5yo and I joke that I work FT for a rest, because 30 nine year olds are infinitely easier than two below school age.

Just tread carefully. I think it’s different for everyone and you won’t know how hard or not it is for you until you do it. Ignoring the potential first few years where they’re so physically needy, do you see yourself with two children? Because that’s the key, the baby/toddler/preschooler years will be over eventually.

Octomingo · 31/07/2022 16:29

2 year gap.
Having 1 was a novelty, although I was pregnant again at 16 months.
Having 2 is the juggling and tearing yourself in different directions. But then, by dc are so different, it's like having 2 only children in the same house. Dc2 was a nocturnal velcro baby who hated everyone. Dc1 an early bird with boundless energy. That was....unpleasant.

NotDonna · 31/07/2022 16:30

I know what you’re saying OP, and you would think so but it depends on your children, you, and your support. Some kids are easier than others. Some parents find it easier than others. If you’re finding parenthood a doddle with your first baby then you may find a second equally straightforward. Interestingly though. many parents say their first babies are quite compliant and easy going but 2nd babies trickier and put them to the test. When I was pregnant with my 3rd everyone (and I mean everyone) who had 3 kids said ‘oh thirds are so easy, they just slot right in’. It’s wasn’t entirely true!!

glamourousindierockandroll · 31/07/2022 16:31

It is harder than one. I find that with my first things were a bit more novel: weaning, potty training etc. Second time round I find those things more irritating.

maypeacetravel · 31/07/2022 16:32

I have a 2.5 year old and a baby and in one way it's not as hard work in that the change from having no babies to 1 baby was I thought so huge but having 1 to 2 is hard in that mum guilt is more because you can't be everythjng for everyone plus you think you will learn from your mistakes the first time like sleeping and feeding but then you have a completely different baby ha

Blaggertyjibbet · 31/07/2022 16:32

I had mine two years apart. It is harder in the baby stage (especially close together) because:

  1. When you are pregnant the second time, you are not able to rest. You do not get any breaks, even if you have terrible morning sickness and are puking your guts out 5x/day for months, because you are expected to maintain service as usual for the firstborn.

  2. When you have a newborn and are exhausted beyond words from breastfeeding and lack of sleep and birth recovery, you are still expected to maintain service as usual for the firstborn.

  3. You now have two bums to keep clean, two sets of clothes to wash, two people with distinct personalities having temper tantrums, two people to keep fed, (worst while number two is breastfeeding and number one is in a fussy-eating/food-throwing stage).

I think, however, that it is actually easier when they are older. Yes, they fight, and yes, two are more expensive than one, but they do occupy one another and keep each other company. Once they are out of nappies and able to play together, your life gets sooooo much easier in that respect. Mine are all in primary school now and I am really glad to have more than one, for my own sanity’s sake.

sunshinesupermum · 31/07/2022 16:33

😂😂😂

coralpig · 31/07/2022 16:33

I’ve only ever had two (twins) so I haven’t experienced the transition. But in comparison with people I know with one, two is just far more chaotic. Constantly fulfilling two children’s needs- chasing your tail.

LoveInNashville · 31/07/2022 16:33

I didn’t find 2 harder than 1 but I had a 5 year age gap between my children. A good partner also makes a big difference I think as I always had some time to myself each day. It was definitely a busy few years though.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 31/07/2022 16:35

I absolutely thought this after having DS1. I then had DS2...