AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

[EspeciallyEager]

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

Of course it’s harder, you aren’t just meeting the needs of one child but of a new baby on top of it.

I had 2 under 2 and it was hard to start with, I think we just survived for the first few months of having 2 sets of nappies, getting baby to work with toddlers routine as best we could, trying so hard to keep things normal for 1 st child and to try and kerb and jealousy or sad feelings of the eldest because they are now having to share.

much easier as hey get older but those first few months were hard.

It took me probably a year to get over the shock of having my second 😂🤦🏻‍♀️. I definitely found it harder going from 1 to 2.

A second child is the hardest thing ever. I can't stress that enough! And neither of my boys were that hard work. When people say going from 2 to 3 kids isn't much different I reckon (definitely not going to find out!) it's because having two is so bloody hard!
With two you have to think about both needs, get both fed, to sleep, entertained, ensure they don't injur themselves. You have double the guilt when you're not with them or you spent time with one and not the other.

Although as others have said in the long term two is better because they do get better at playing together and their relationship is the sweetest thing. You are a self contained family. If you have an only child you'll have to constantly try to entertain that child and have friends over.

I think maybe your mother sounds a bit mean? Why is she saying that to you? When I had 2 under 5s and found out I was having twins she told me it would probably be harder for my cousin who had one 3 year old, one 2 Yr old and another on the way. I was a bit gobsmacked at the time as I wasn't even moaning about it. Ever since I wished I had said - No it's harder for me cos I will have 4. She will have 3!! What is it with mothers? I will try not to do the same with mine but I will probably do something else equally annoying!

2 year old will be old enough to 'help' - don't worry
My advice - try and get potty training cracked before baby comes!

two is more than twice the work of one, but depending on the age gap doesn't disrupt your life in quite the same way as the 0 -> 1 transition as your house and life are already (trashed?) in baby mode.

The 'good' (?) news is you get so little sleep that your brain doesn't function properly at converting short term memory to long term memory so it does end up a bit of a blur looking back.

a 2 and 1/2 year age gap is nice. routines and timetables are your friend. IME the days were generally long (like 18 19 hours) but mostly very pleasant.

Depends on the baby, I had my two very close, DS1 was a very contented baby, DS2 was the complete opposite and the reason why a DC3 was off the table! 8 wouldn’t go through that 7.5mths again for anything.

I found it harder going from 1-2 than 0-1 but I have less than 2 years between mine. Youngest is 20 months and it’s beginning to seem easier but it’s a lot of work. When I just have one on my own it feels like a holiday. I think it’s just that you’re constantly needed for something. I’m sure as they get older it will be easier but I found it harder than I thought I would and my expectations were low!

Remember it's not just baby/toddler stage. So juggling two lots of activities, supporting two through exams etc.
I have one and honestly my life is a lot easier that those with 2 plus.

Some parts are easier. There are 2 years between mine and they will happily play together for hours or talk endless rubbish about Pokemon etc. This dramatically reduced the amount of time l need to spend talking about Pokemon. They are friends more than they bicker (though obviously they do bicker). They often help each other with things. They deeply appreciate each other's fart jokes.

2 children is more work than 1 but in my experience once the youngest is 2/3 ish it's definitely not twice the work.

Depends on the children you get!

I always wanted more than one child but only have another if you really want one. I'm here only because my parents thought they should have a second as everyone told them having one child was no fair on my brother, they had me because they thought they should and not because they particularly wanted to and all I had was for years reminders. I had my first then five years later when I got her off to school we decided that another child including my daughters input was a great idea and guess what, I had twins! Yes we're not rolling in money and we're always tired and there is stuff and toys everywhere but I wouldn't change it for th world as we all love each other so much and have alot of fun. I love a big family but it's not for everyone. Yes it's harder than one I think but you do what's best for you.

Yes, it's definitely MUCH harder than only having one child, but it's the same difference that having no children to having one child was, and you just get used to it ?

It's even harder when you have a special needs/unwell child, but again, you cope, you get used to your new 'normal'.

Some find it 'easier' when the 2 kids have a small age gap because although it's 'harder' for a couple of years, they are near enough in age to play together as they get older. Also they will be able to do the same things at roughly the same time e.g soft play/clubs/sports/classes etc and holidays will suit both kids of a similar age.

Some find it easier to have a larger age gap, so that you have more time to devote to the youngest while they are small because the oldest is in nursery/school etc and they can help with the smaller one when asked to etc. But this does mean that if you're taking the older one to play places, they won't be suitable for the youngest and vice versa. Same with holidays and clubs/sports etc, because of the age gap, you end up doing a lot of separate 'activities' which is a lot of work too.

Basically, you just need to decide whether a small or large age gap would suit your family better when deciding on having a second child. (Always assuming you don't have a 'multiple' birth like twins !)

@EspeciallyEager I have almost exactly a four year age gap between DS and DD. DD is now six months and DS starts school in September. The first four months or so were completely mad and two really was exponentially harder than one but it’s settling nicely now. Completely agree with PPs recommending a larger age gap, I think I’d be rocking in a corner by now if I’d had two under two. It’s nice to know that after the summer holidays we’ll have some one to one time with the baby as DS is definitely just discovering sibling rivalry!

Either a large age gap or just one, for us!

Having 2 under 2-3 sounds like a complete nightmare.
No thanks!

I found that 2 was one and a half times as hard. Mainly because with the second you know what you're doing this time around. Mind you, my children at that age never went to bed as late as yours so I had more time to myself.

I have a 2.5 year gap - they're now 4 and 18 months. I found 0-1 so, so much harder than 1-2. Objectively it clearly is harder to look after two children than one but I found the adjustment I had to do so much smaller and less overwhelming. As someone said when you have just one of them it feels so easy that it reminds you how much more you have to do with two - when I have just DS2 I wonder how on earth I made such heavy weather out of having one 18 month old when DS1 was that age - but day-to-day it feels fine, to me. I've certainly never regretted having a second child for even a moment. Maybe it'll get harder as they get older, but to date I would still say months 4-8 with DS1 was the hardest I've ever found parenthood and everything since then, even the arrival of DS2, has been all downhill!

I have 2 DDs with a 3yr 3m age gap, eldest is 5, youngest 2.

Although little DD is a much worse sleeper, I find it all a bit easier than first time around - I worry less, and seem to get stressed less easily.

I would have struggled with a smaller age gap for sure- by the time DD2 was born DD1 was fully potty trained etc, generally pretty independent, and loved being able to 'help' with baby DD.

In general now I don't find it too much harder than with 1 - DD1 is at school, so DD2 and I have plenty of time together.

Currently, they love each other's company - despite DD2 being only just 2, they play together for ages and find each other hilarious. They bicker etc like all siblings, but it is definitely better than when we just had one.

I struggled both times with the newborn phase, but at the moment, having 2 children at their current ages is pretty nice.

Two kids = 1.4 x effort of having one kid.

It's also quite handy as usually with two, you end up with the full suite of abilities, characteristics and achievements that you would hope for as a parent.

It also gives you a third person to join up with you so you can gang up on DH and make him do chores and pay for stuff.

Yanbu to think it's harder because it literally is i.e 2 people's demands to meet but it depends on your end goal. My siblings and I all have maximum 2 years between us because our parents wanted to go through the fire all at once and come out the other side. I'd say it worked as now we've all left home and despite the bickering we're all very close and share similar ideas and values. Though a huge gap may make sense to give you peace in the interim at some point you'll still find yourself dealing with different priorities e.g. a kid in high school and one in nursery with still no time to yourself.

I found one a doddle. No 2 is a high needs baby that didn't sleep and had to be a sling all day every day. I was dealing with that and a potty training terrible two. I developed post natal depression and anxiety and insomnia. I was a wreck. So yes in my experience two was vastly harder than one. I expect its a combination of personal circumstances, the baby's temperament and whether you have much support.

I’m afraid I found it really hard going from 1 to 2. I think the people who sail through it are the ones that go on to have 3 or more. I felt quite torn between competing needs and still find it quite hard to make sure each one is getting the right amount of input and attention. I’d also say lockdown didn’t help. I had a 1 and 3yo during lockdown and it was a bloody nightmare quite frankly. I’m sure I’d have looked back more fondly on that period if it had not coincided with a pandemic. One youngest was about 21/2 it got much easier but still often feel a bit torn. That is the main reason I wouldn’t go for no.3.

There's 18 months between mine, so I don't really know much different, but it does seem harder than for those with just one. Two sets of (often competing) needs to be met, acting as a referee when they fight, differing activities to run them to, if one sleeps late then chances the other won't, very rare for either me or dh to have a break. Mine are 2 and 3 so hoping it will get easier.

I've got my second on the way so not speaking from personal experience but my close friend told me going from one to two was easier for her as she knew what to expect and they play a lot together so she is able to get more things done than when she had one constantly asking to play with him!