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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

162 replies

EspeciallyEager · 31/07/2022 15:57

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 31/07/2022 16:35

I found the jump from 1 to 2 difficult. It got easier after a year and then it made life simpler as they got on so well. But yes it is hard if there is a small age gap (less than 4 or 5 years).

GrouchyKiwi · 31/07/2022 16:35

Depends on the baby. DD2 fed every hour (including over night) for the first 6 months. She also didn't sleep through until she was 13 months, and she was also a very energetic child who got into all sorts of trouble as soon as she was mobile. DD1 was jealous of the baby, so that was difficult to manage.

MyBrilliantFriend · 31/07/2022 16:36

Among my friends it has probably been a 50/50 split between who found 0-1 harder and who found 1-2 harder. I was the latter, despite dc1 being the harder baby, I was so ready to be a mum and just loved having her. Dc2 was a much easier baby but I found the first year of having 2 really hard. However, I did only have a 20 month gap so had 2 babies really.

now they are older, having 2 & close together makes everything much easier. They get on well, entertain each other & there’s not the needing to juggle different wants / needs / interests people with larger age gaps have, or the needing lots of parental input for entertainment of only dc.

But the main thing is everyone’s experiences are different so it’s hard to generalise. Dc2 came along sooner than we were expecting / would have planned for (needed ivf to have dc1 & fully expected the same again to have a second) but it’s all worked out. Luckily!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 31/07/2022 16:36

It is much harder for me.

Life was easy and a breeze with one.

My 2nd is a difficult child, if he was my first and DD my 2nd It wouldn't be so bad as DD was a great baby.

Mind you if DS was born first I'd probably never had a 2nd child.

Giraffesandbottoms · 31/07/2022 16:36

@trilbydoll

Oh and the absolute best thing about having two is that when you then have one on their own it feels like a breeze

this is SO TRUE 😃😃😃😃

tigertigerg · 31/07/2022 16:36

Interestingly though. many parents say their first babies are quite compliant and easy going but 2nd babies trickier and put them to the test.

older relatives & family friends would warn me because dc1 was ridiculously easy & apparently not the norm. I was certainly not prepared for dc2 😆

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 31/07/2022 16:37

I found it very easy BUT both of mine were very easy going children, who slept well .
I was very lucky in that respect

germsandcoffee · 31/07/2022 16:38

It's way harder but people cope and sometimes go on to have more 🤷‍♀️.
I've got three and it's draining but very rewarding too x

Magnificentbeast · 31/07/2022 16:38

Discovereads · 31/07/2022 15:59

YABU. Two is more than twice as hard as one.
Why? Two words: sibling rivalry

This. Hit the nail on the head!
Also depends on the temperament of the child/children. We were lured into a false sense of security by the first who was mostly calm and adaptable. The second didn't sleep and was generally much more demanding.

Having said that I do not regret having my second and wouldn't change her for the world.

tigertigerg · 31/07/2022 16:38

Mind you if DS was born first I'd probably never had a 2nd child.

We say this with dc2 😆

FourTeaFallOut · 31/07/2022 16:39

I had my first two within two years and found the transition easy once we got out of the colic weeks. Like you say, if you are going to be busy and tired with one - you may as well be busy and tired with two.

Allywill · 31/07/2022 16:39

I agree with the bickering- it was relentless with my two until they got to 16/18. Also I found whilst grandparents were happy to babysit/ day out when we had one, two was much more work and they were definitely less keen! And of course there is the general expense of two - it’s much more expensive to do things so you end up having to entertain them yourself more.

Aleeza91 · 31/07/2022 16:39

Discovereads · 31/07/2022 15:59

YABU. Two is more than twice as hard as one.
Why? Two words: sibling rivalry

I agree.

I thought just like OP. Got a 4 year old and 1 year old.

4 year old is so jealous even 14 months later. The 14 month old is also jealous. It's unbelievable

It's relentless.

I was a amazing mother to one.
I'm getting by with two.

Nocutenamesleft · 31/07/2022 16:40

I’m really lucky as mine are as thick as thieves. They get on superbly and I really can’t complain

however the arguing when they don’t. Good god…../fucking awful.

ladygindiva · 31/07/2022 16:41

SharpLily · 31/07/2022 16:04

Sometimes having two is great - they play together (leaving you alone), they help each other and their relationship can be really cute.

Then there's the bickering. The awful, awful bickering that makes you want to slit your wrists. Then it's not great and it's much, much harder.

Yup, this.

Babyboomtastic · 31/07/2022 16:41

I've got an experiment for you if you are up for it.

Try looking after your toddler and doing your job at home simultaneously. Is it any harder? That's similar to how two children often is in the early years - being pulled in two opposite directions with competing demands, firefighting, and constantly feeling like you can only do a good job at one.

Then there's sleep, and often they end up with opposing schedules. If your youngest has a to finish night, but is lying in, in the morning, you've still got to be up at 5 or 6 it whatever with your toddler (who may have been up in the night as well).

Yes, parenting two is possible, and it soon becomes the norm, but your workload more than doubles, at least for a lot of the time, and every bit of inefficiency that you didn't realise your had, gets squeezed out. I imagine that you get even sleeker at it, out of necessity, be with 3+ children.

Now mine are 3+5, they play together a lot, and now there's now a lot of distance between 1+2, but it took a long time to get to that stage

NewYorkLassie · 31/07/2022 16:43

What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

The lengths they will go to to wind each other up. It’s exhausting.

Bath and bedtime is a piece of piss with one. But it’s the constant battle for attention that makes everything genuinely take twice as long when there are two.

Rebelmcstreettuff · 31/07/2022 16:43

4 year gap between mine and for us this was perfect.
Had a few months with both kids before the eldest started school.
Helped that my DS2 was a dream baby,much easier than DS1.
I also think as they get older Christmas,holidays etc they play (and fight) with each other so that means you don't always have to entertain them.
You know the ropes 2nd time round so much easier.

Goodskin46 · 31/07/2022 16:45

In some ways it's easier, you just realign your expectations. Things I might have unsuccessfully attempted with DC1 at a few months old ( art galleries, long lunches out, cinema trips) I knew better by DC2 and that made my life calmer and easier, if immeasurably more boring.

TildaRae · 31/07/2022 16:49

There was only 17 months between my 2 children. Going from zero to one child was a lot harder than going from one to two.

Giraffesandbottoms · 31/07/2022 16:49

Interestingly though. many parents say their first babies are quite compliant and easy going but 2nd babies trickier and put them to the test

I thought DS1 was easy and I wouldn’t hear any differently. Someone called him difficult once and I was furious. I thought rocking him every hour all night was fine and him hating the buggy and car was fine and all the crying etc but then I had DS2 and I understood that DS1 was actually very very difficult indeed 😃 he’s wonderful now though.

bigbeautifulmonster · 31/07/2022 16:50

When I had one young child I heard the saying a lot "two is more than twice as work as one" and I always wondered what exactly it was.

There are elements that are harder eg. the demands of two, even less free time for me and DH... but also there are many many elements that are way easier eg. having a bit more of a clue how to do it(!) and how to cope, already in the swing of things.

Dcs aged 10 months and age 4 and I am so far finding the second easier. I think this first year of the second child is taking its toll
more in DH than me.

I am so glad I've had two. But I can't imagine having three. So will stop here!

NotDonna · 31/07/2022 16:58

I think smaller age gaps are better. Mine are 18 months between 1 & 2 but 4 years between 2 & 3. 3rd was a surprise and wished we’d planned 18 months / 2years after 2nd.

Mainfeature · 31/07/2022 17:00

It depends on your lifestyle. If you work you will find it’s 10 times as hard.

There was a 3 year gap and dc1 was out of nappies and going to nursery soon after dc2 was born.

While saying that DC1 was screaming and crying all the time because it took them ages to settle into nursery. I had to get myself and both DC dressed and ready in the morning and deal with the tantrums. DC1 would cling to me all the time.

I was working in the evening and weekends and left as soon as DH got home. I had to go back to work when DC2 was 6 weeks old as we had no money.

Juggling everything, preparing different meals for when I was out at work took all my time.

Entertaining, getting them and me to places on time was a nightmare. I literally was busy all the time even when DC2 slept.

DC2 was the perfect baby, if it had been the other way round (DC1 had been a screaming colicky nightmare) I couldn’t have coped at all.

At one point I even thought of putting one child into care because I just couldn’t do it.

DH dealt with bedtime and weekends which was something, but we never spent time together as a family. I thought those days would never end. Looking back I don’t know how we got through it.

Rosebel · 31/07/2022 17:02

My first was an easy baby and toddler. So I thought having 2 would be fine, except DD2 was the opposite. So I did really struggle going from 1 to 2.
They did play together and stick up for each other. They are teenagers now and can be really nice to each other, go shopping together, etc but the bickering seems endless sometimes and is exhausting.
I have a toddler too so trying to balance the needs of two teenagers with the needs of a toddler is a challenge.
I think going to 2 was hard because their peraonalitys were so different