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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

162 replies

EspeciallyEager · 31/07/2022 15:57

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 31/07/2022 17:08

Oh good lord 2 has been hard.

9yr age gap.

School, hobbies (DS1, not mine), and a very high needs 2nd has meant the last 14 months have been HARD and there have been tears on numerous occasions. I've been lucky in having DH WFH a lot because I would have fallen apart by now if not.

He DS2 been a more chilled baby, life would have been so much easier but still harder than just having 1. For example - tennis camp with one involved a flask of coffee and a good book, tennis camp with two involves following a cranky 14m old around for the duration of the camp 😂

roarfeckingroarr · 31/07/2022 17:08

This isn't what I needed today at 15 weeks pregnant with a nearly 2 year old. There must be great parts yeah?

Simonjt · 31/07/2022 17:10

We have two, but we have a 6.5 year age gap which obviously makes things easier as my son isn’t a toddler, he is a fairly independent older child.

It’s still obviously harder, my son has had me to himself for almost five years, so now having to share me is a huge change. But it does mean I’m not knackered as I only have one waking up, I only have one in nappies etc. It was also nice and easier having my son at school during my adoption leave, as I could just focys on the baby, have a nap etc. ^^

JustAnotherManicMomday · 31/07/2022 17:12

One was a piece of cake. 2 omg it can be hell, they fight they argue they want to kill each other daily. Its always he did this he did that. Then if ds2 has disabilities like ours does, ds1 feels like they don't get the time they deserve because you have to meet the other child's basic needs.

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2022 17:12

I found baby years tough but once hit school things got much easier. Mince play together quite a bit with only being 2 years apart.
I imagine a big gap is easier in any years but then trying to meet needs of two different ages would be difficult as they wouldn't have much in.common

FourTeaFallOut · 31/07/2022 17:13

It's brilliant, a real adventure. It's wonderful watching your children build a relationship and friendship with one another and a real privileged to watch them grow together. Nobody has two because it's easy, but it's great sport.

Discovereads · 31/07/2022 17:14

roarfeckingroarr · 31/07/2022 17:08

This isn't what I needed today at 15 weeks pregnant with a nearly 2 year old. There must be great parts yeah?

It’s more than twice as hard, but also more than twice as rewarding imho.
So much more you can do with a larger family that you can’t really do with just one.
Seeing them care for each other more than balances out the inevitable sibling fights.
So yes, there are lots and lots of great parts.
I have 4 DC and wouldn’t change that for the world.

namechange7654 · 31/07/2022 17:14

I think that being at home full time with a toddler and a baby is more exhausting than working and having one toddler. But I guess that depends on how exhausting your job is! It also depends whether you can afford a few days nursery for the toddler.

Just imagine, all those things you do for your toddler, having to do those with a baby hanging off your boob. And with zero sleep. And with a jealous toddler who's going through a bit of a hitting/biting/flushing important stuff down the loo phase.

The easiest way to do it is to wait until your eldest one is eligible for 15 hrs funded nursery. Looking after a newborn and a 3yo who's out the house quite a lot is not so bad at all!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 31/07/2022 17:15

3 close together was easier then when it was just 1 and a newborn.

Takentomybed · 31/07/2022 17:15

I found having my 2nd, 2 year age gap, quite straightforward. I felt in control and was in a routine already. But I put a lot of this down to the fact I didn't have PND with my 2nd but did with my 1st and 3rd.

Nellodee · 31/07/2022 17:16

2 close together became a lot easier when I gave up on double buggies and went for a single and a really good baby backpack. Double buggies are evil, front to back, side to side: all evil. Don't even mention double buggy rain covers to me. Just don't, please don't. We have a double buggy in the attic. DH denies all knowledge of it. Double buggies are traumatic, so i can see why he blanked it out.

Did I mention I hate double buggies?

Ponoka7 · 31/07/2022 17:17

I prefer to have both GC (two year age gap) because even with the bickering, they are easier on a day out. I'm glad that someone mentioned the vomiting bug, passing it between them could take up nearly two months and it was often November to January, when mine were little.

namechange7654 · 31/07/2022 17:17

roarfeckingroarr · 31/07/2022 17:08

This isn't what I needed today at 15 weeks pregnant with a nearly 2 year old. There must be great parts yeah?

If it's any consolation, I think that first trimester pregnancy with a 1yo is harder than a baby and a toddler! Top tip: do not let your toddler drop their nap 🤣🤣

BlackeyedSusan · 31/07/2022 17:19

It's hard. Close together works for taking them out places as they are more likely to be suited to the age range. But it is more than double the work.

neverbeenskiing · 31/07/2022 17:21

I found going from 1 to 2 incredibly hard. Youngest is 3 now and some days are still really challenging.

In the early days I felt guilty that the endless feeding, burping, changing cycle meant I wasn't giving our first enough attention. Our second didn't sleep anywhere near as well as our first (still isn't great actually) and I felt guilty that our eldest was getting woken up in the night and was then tired and grumpy the next day. As your second gets older that guilt lessens a bit as they are less dependent on you. But it's still more work for you because it's double the laundry, double the activities/parties they need ferrying to and from, double the toys that need picking up and putting away etc.

If you're working it's even more difficult juggling illnesses and appointments with work once you have two. With one at nursery and one in primary school they pass a lot of minor illnesses back and forth. One gets over a sickness bug, you're already exhausted from being up all night with them and the endless washing, then a couple of days later you get the dreaded call at work because the other one has come down with it.

As others have said it's lovely wu

MrsAmaretto · 31/07/2022 17:22

I think it depends on how large the gap is? Mine have a 3 year age gap and having 2 sets of swimming lessons, activities, friends, assemblies etc to attend, juggle and drive them to is bloody exhausting.

Also as you get older they stay up longer and the less free time you get in the evening. I look back in fondness at them being in bed by 7.

neverbeenskiing · 31/07/2022 17:22

Sorry posted to soon! Its lovely when they play together nicely but my god the bickering. Its relentless, even though they adore each other and it drives me up the wall.

HaveringWavering · 31/07/2022 17:23

Your mother needs to rethink her extremely insulting attitudes to parents of only one child. We are in no way lesser parents.

GreenManalishi · 31/07/2022 17:24

It's the difference between calmly pushing one trolley around the supermarket, and pushing two fully trolleys round the supermarket at the same time. One developing a wonky wheel now and again, the other squeaking, and they keep crashing into each other or wanting to go in different directions 😂

HMSSophia · 31/07/2022 17:25

Hahahahahaha :)

alotoftutus · 31/07/2022 17:25

I have 4 and one more on the way. Going from 1-2 was definitely my hardest jump but I think it depends on your age gap. Mine were just over two years and a newborn and toddler almost broke me. It is absolutely harder. You'll realise how easy one is when you have two lol.

chipshopElvis · 31/07/2022 17:26

It is harder but I don't think it's twice as hard. 0 to 1 is the hardest.

mrsDracoMalfoy · 31/07/2022 17:26

I have a 10 year gap. Two children very much harder.

Namechanger355 · 31/07/2022 17:29

Isn’t the point that it’s likely harder due to competing demands but parents just need to get on with it because they have no choice..

NameAlreadyTaken16 · 31/07/2022 17:30

2 year age gap with mines, didn't really feel like twice the work for me. As both were around the same age it was easy to plan days out ect. Bickering can be a problem but I'm sure u get that regardless of the age gap. But no to answer the question I didn't find it a massive challenge going from 1 to 2 children, my youngest for perfectly in to our little routine.