AIBU to think that having a second child can’t be that much more hard work?

[EspeciallyEager]

I feel like I spend virtually all my time meeting the needs of my one child. For context I work a demanding job four days a week and my 15mnth old does not go to bed until 8.30-9.00pm and is up again at 6am, so I have virtually no free time each day. I feel as though my personal life is in free wheel and I just snatch the occasional moment to keep the to do list under control.

And yet people have a second child and seem to cope. . .

My mum keeps saying to me “you don’t know you’re a parent until you’ve had two” but how much worse can it be when most people have two and seem to cope?

Is it really a big step change or do people exaggerate? What exactly is it that makes it so much more difficult than having one?

Talk to me about how much more challenging it is to have that second child! 😅

😂

I was told that

One child is a pet
Two is a zoo.

It fits with my experience anyway.

@roarfeckingroarr congrats! Probably not the most helpful thread to stumble upon! 😬 I’ve done my best to word my question in a way that means people tell me the worst of it though! I’m sure there’s plenty of positives and had I asked the question in a different way we’d be hearing more about them. .

*unlike her siblings

We have a 3 year age gap and I've found it easy enough. However I had postpartum psychosis with dc1 whereas with dc2 I was fine so that probably colours my perspective. They fight but they also play well so it balances out in the long run.

Making time for them both individually is important I think. For example I take dc1 to one football training and then we get an icecream afterwards or hot chocolate and dh takes him to the other session and they do something afterwards. We do the same with dc2's dancing.

I found the early days of having 2 not so bad, because my eldest was 4 and fairly independent with certain things (going for a wee, using cutlery, entertaining herself for a few minutes at a time, etc). The day to day care was fine, I was exhausted but could cope, and so on.

Once my youngest got a bit older and they started competing for my attention, that was when it got hard. They're 4 and 8 and I often have both of them trying to talk to me at exactly the same time, after having been utterly silent for ages. It drives me nuts!

I have a 2.5 yr old and a 6month. Both still nursing. Both waking at night. They take turns so, both wake up a few times after initial bed time. Then there’s some time when it’s ‘just’ the 6month old waking to feed. This is the good bit where I sleep. Then at 4am gets harder to keep both asleep. Today 6 month old woke up at 4ish and fed then lay there kicking about in the cot and making noise that kept me awake. Then about 5am the 2 yr old wanted to nurse frequently. At around 5.30 Dh rescued me from 6 month old and took him in with him. 2 yr old was awake now so tried to get him back to sleep. Gave up at 6.30 and let him watch tv on my phone so then feel like a shit parent whilst I sleep until 7.15. Dh and 6 month old got back to sleep at 6.30 so then I entertained 2 yr old til 8am. This is a bad night but similar happens most nights. It’s slowly killing me. I hate it and the person I’ve become. I was a nice mum to my first. I met his needs but I can’t meet everyone’s needs that way. It’s impossible.

I'd say that having 2 is like 30% more work....I will say, though, that my second was a LOT easier than my first. 3 is definitely triple the amount of work though; we went from 2-3 thinking it couldn't be that much harder and...well. It is.

I have a DD who is 5 and a DS who is 3. I love spending time with them separately (I.e just with DD or just with DS) but when they are together it's hard.

One goes one way, the other wants to go the other/or one will not move. They will be happy together for a few minutes then they will upset each other. I say go in separate places, but then they want to be together.
It's not easy. However, I'm still glad I've got both of them.

I have an almost 5yr age gap between mine - a purposeful decision we made as having them close together and dealing with a tantruming toddler and a newborn just sounded like my idea of hell to be completely honest! My eldest had been at school almost a year when the youngest arrived, and was such a good help. By that point the eldest was out of tantrums (to an extent... he's still a bit of a livewire!) and was really much better at entertaining himself and helping out generally.

We'd also had years of nappy free, baby free life and that meant we were actually quite excited to go back to baby years again. I couldn't have done it all in one go (i.e., kids close together) as I really needed the breather from baby years for a bit!

All in all, having two isn't twice as much work for me. BUT I think this is because as the youngest grows more demanding (13 months now) the eldest grows more and more independent (he's now 6).... so it's kind of keeping everything at a status quo!

People with children are often just good at faking that they are managing. That's one, two, three, ten etc.

You've got extra expense
Potential sibling rivalry
Wanting attention at the same time
More times to deal with sickness bugs or other bugs as they tend to spread

Having a child isn't easy to begin with. Duplicating that experience isn't going to change that fact. Lots of money does as you can buy help, but not everyone has that option.

I have 3, soon to be 4 children. There was 20
months between my eldest 2, and I found it very hard, but DC1 was a ridiculously hard child and I didn’t cope well with him until he was almost school age! He’s an angel now!

DC2 was an angel and although a live wire, continues to be a great child, and relatively easy.

I found sleep was exceptionally difficult, as the baby would be up all night and then the toddler up at 6am. Never any rest.

But we have zero support.

Number 3 has been fairly easy tbh. We treat him like he’s easy as we just facilitate him 🤣 everyone runs around after him, and he is spoilt rotten.

The older 2 basically occupy themselves almost all of the time. They get on really well thankfully.

They also made the transition to 3 a lot easier as they can occupy the baby sometimes.

I am dreading the return of having 2 under 2, as it wasn’t fun, and was a lot of hard work. But supposedly I know what I’m doing now!

I am very strict though, and I expect everyone to follow the rules and what I say goes. I don’t think I could cope with a more laid back parenting style as I think chaos can spiral very, very quickly, and I don’t think parents of one child appreciate this (lots of my friends have one child and I actually struggle going out with them as their levels of enforcement are not the same as mine!)

Your baby is still young ignore your mum. I think it depends on age gaps as well if you have a 3/4 year gap plus I don't think it's that much harder tbh.