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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to refuse to go out with DH?

306 replies

TellMeImNotWrong · 31/07/2022 08:42

We're on holiday - a walking holiday. DD woke up saying she felt sick and has a grumbly tummy and a headache. We did a walk two days ago when she said towards the end that she was dizzy and that evening had a bit of stomach ache and needed the toilet suddenly.
We didn't do a lot yesterday and had a short walk (3 hours, about 400m up) planned today which she wanted to go on.
Tomorrow we'd planned a bigger walk, (900m to a peak, at least 5 hours) which she also wanted to do.
DH thinks she is making excuses and has no ambition and said that we should leave her here in the hotel and do the bigger walk today with DS. He's now gone off with DS, incredibly annoyed with me for not agreeing to leave her alone in the hotel for the day. She's 10 and says she feels like throwing up Confused His parting shot was if half of us don't want to take part in the holiday we might as well pack up and drive home tomorrow.

YABU - I would have left my 10 year old in the hotel with the tv in these circumstances, you're babying her.
YANBU - don't be daft, you can't leave an I'll child alone in a hotel.

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 10:52

TellMeImNotWrong · 31/07/2022 10:50

It's the only type of activity that DS likes and usually DD doesn't mind. She's asleep now, from what she's described to me she has d&v with nausea instead of the v... Her temp is slightly raised but not feverish.
we haven't been walking every day, we usually do a short walk, a more ambitious walk and then a rest day where I take the DC to the pool and DH goes off somewhere.
She doesn't have form for pretending to be unwell (that's Ds and school Grin ) she would normally say if she doesn't want to go somewhere.

When do you get a day to go off somewhere by yourself?

Augend23 · 31/07/2022 10:53

3 hours isn't a short walk!

I actively like the outdoors but 10 miles is about my max before I'm into endurance training rather than enjoyable day out.

How your daughter feels better soon.

Catsstillrock · 31/07/2022 10:53

OP agree you were right to stay.
a lot of us were socialised to ignore/ minimise / push through illness (my mum was one for this) presumably you DH was too.

but he’s an adult now. And not judging the situation rationally and externalising his disappointment the holiday isn’t going as he hoped by blaming his DD and you.

that’s not ok and the conversation I’d be having with him when back. I’d expect a heartfelt apology for me and DD. Or I’d be reflecting on things more deeply.

Arenanewbie · 31/07/2022 10:54

The fact he wanted to leave her alone in a hotel room at that age feeling ill would be a line crossed I could not come back from
This ^
Just my DD desire skip the walk would be enough for me to change plans and stay with her.
My DD being unwell at home would be enough for me to change the plans and stay with her.
And I can’t imagine my DH being against it even for a second.

Being left for 5 hours unwell in a hotel when you are 10 y.o …
How can someone even suggest this? It’s so cruel and actually I think it’s illegal.

Wheresthebeach · 31/07/2022 10:54

So it's all about prioritising your DS then...and insulting your DD. That tells a story.

Titsflyingsouth · 31/07/2022 10:55

Is this a wind up?

Is your DH seriously suggesting leaving a sick child alone in an unfamiliar setting so he can go out?? 😧

Sherrystrull · 31/07/2022 10:56

When does your DD get a holiday that she enjoys rather than one she doesn't mind?
Why does your DH go off when you take the DC to the pool?

iliketartan · 31/07/2022 10:58

Wheresthebeach · 31/07/2022 10:54

So it's all about prioritising your DS then...and insulting your DD. That tells a story.

Quite

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:59

I don’t think the OP will be back.

i have seen this type of relationship before. The DH rules the roost and the mother fits in. Occasionally standing firm (like today) but generally just going along with it all because doesn’t like drama.

the children grow up and realise what a brute their father was. And what a wet lettuce their mother was

CallOnMe · 31/07/2022 11:03

I wouldn’t even let my 10 year old stay home alone when they were sick and I wouldn’t let my 10 year old stay in a strange hotel in a strange place even if they were feeling fine!
Leaving a sick child in a hotel room is verging on child abuse!

Some parents are just so shit!

I hope it’s the norovirus and DH gets it and I would fully expect him to go on the walk and tell him he’s faking it.

We often go walking during the holidays and have planned several walks to explore new places and my DC really enjoy it but the holiday doesn’t sound much fun for kids and it’s really sad that everything revolves around your DH.

Arenanewbie · 31/07/2022 11:05

And short walk would be 30 minutes, not 3 hours.
even if your DD was training for Olympics she would be allowed to skip the day when unwell.
of course she doesn’t mind walks, she is 10 . How can she go against it?

HoppingPavlova · 31/07/2022 11:06

You can’t leave a sick 10yo alone in a hotel room ffs. I also wouldn’t leave a well 10yo alone in a hotel room, what if there was a fire or emergency, they are too young.

AllFreeOwls · 31/07/2022 11:06

Wheresthebeach · 31/07/2022 10:54

So it's all about prioritising your DS then...and insulting your DD. That tells a story.

Absolutely. We can now see where you DD comes in the pecking order

Afterfire · 31/07/2022 11:06

I’d have to leave my dh after this. What kind of person thinks it’s okay to leave a child alone
in a hotel room for the day so they can go out fucking walking?!!! Yet alone a sick child. He is a knob of the highest tier. What a fucking arsehole. I think you should take dd home.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/07/2022 11:09

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:59

I don’t think the OP will be back.

i have seen this type of relationship before. The DH rules the roost and the mother fits in. Occasionally standing firm (like today) but generally just going along with it all because doesn’t like drama.

the children grow up and realise what a brute their father was. And what a wet lettuce their mother was

Yep.

This could be my family. My dad’s needs and wants always trumped everyone else’s. My mum went along with it because she thought he was the “head of the family” and because she was scared of the outbursts if she didn’t.

Guess what: I basically never forgave her. Unfair maybe but a mum who won’t stand up to this sort of crap will never be respected by her children.

SharlaShanti · 31/07/2022 11:09

I remember being 10 years olds and feeling awfully sick,it was my lovely, wonderful dad who looked after me on my first foreign holiday in a hotel room. What kind of selfish uncaring husband have you got? I'm 52 years now but still think about him fondly even though he died 13 years ago. Your husband is certainly not building good memories for his daughter to remember in later years, selfish prick!!

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2022 11:10

Ok so your husband likes it, her brother (who reading between the lines isnt easy) likes it and she goes along with it because she knows it is easy.

And now when she doesnt feel well (and genuinely doesnt feel well) her Dad wanted to leave her on her own.

HEr father is damaging her OP - this would be such a dealbreaker for me

billy1966 · 31/07/2022 11:11

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:59

I don’t think the OP will be back.

i have seen this type of relationship before. The DH rules the roost and the mother fits in. Occasionally standing firm (like today) but generally just going along with it all because doesn’t like drama.

the children grow up and realise what a brute their father was. And what a wet lettuce their mother was

Highly likely as she has studiously avoided the remarks that the very suggestion is shocking.

Poor daughter in a family where her brother is priority and mum allows this to occur.

Women like that are rightly judged VERY harshly by their distant daughters when the grow to adulthood.

OP, take a hard look at yourself and what is going on in your home.

What your husband suggested was absolute neglect of your daughter.

WahWahWahs · 31/07/2022 11:13

Of course YANBU!
I wouldn’t leave my 10 year old alone all day in our own home, let alone a hotel, especially when ill! What completely shitty parenting.

We are ‘outdoorsy’ people who love a climb/walk/cycle and would love our children to enjoy this, too. I also totally believe that a little bit of endurance builds confidence and ambition, etc.

However, I am appalled at your DH’s attitude. How selfish (and sadly, I know quite a few men like this, where a holiday means indulging in their hobby and it being up to their wife to sort the kids out in whatever form. Never well enough, of course).

Holidays are a wonderful opportunity to spend time with each other, to unwind and to experience new things. For EVERYONE.
So we do a ‘big hike’ but edit it for the kids (lots more stops, little snacks) and then the next day we have a day by the pool or whatever. A long bike ride (which does call for some endurance on their behalf) and then the next day at a water park. One night in a fancy restaurant, one in an informal pizzeria with colouring in. Everybody is learning, everybody is catered for.

I think that’s called compromise and respecting everyone’s needs in the family. A.k.a not being a selfish bully 🤷🏼‍♀️

But all bets are off when a child is sick (how on earth does he need this explaining to him?!)

The next time your DH is ill, tired or stressed, berate him for having no ambition and sneer at him. Do nothing to help him.

FFS, what a wanker. I hope your DD feels better soon x

Stripyhoglets1 · 31/07/2022 11:13

Wel he's a bit of a shit isn't he?!

Is he always this uncaring when someone else is unwell?

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:14

The next time your DH is ill, tired or stressed, berate him for having no ambition and sneer at him. Do nothing to help him.

why advise this nonsense. How is that going to help. The children grow up around tension and anger. The op is angry and stewing. The DH is angry and stewing.

the op needs to woman up. And leave

fakename13778 · 31/07/2022 11:15

It's the only type of activity that DS likes and usually DD doesn't mind.

This is dreadful, why is the focus on what DS likes? I couldn't think of anything worse than having to go on holiday which is based around my siblings likes, on the basis that I 'don't mind'. Why not something she also likes? 'I don't mind' becomes 'fuck that shit, I don't want to go' when it is forced on you repeatedly

And your husband is an utter twat, of course you can't leave a sick 10 year old alone for at least 3 hours.

orbitalcrisis · 31/07/2022 11:25

I'm usually one to say people are being too cautious and their children are fine on their own but leaving a 10 year old, a sick 10 year old at that, alone in a hotel room is NOT ok.

Quia · 31/07/2022 11:26

TellMeImNotWrong · 31/07/2022 10:50

It's the only type of activity that DS likes and usually DD doesn't mind. She's asleep now, from what she's described to me she has d&v with nausea instead of the v... Her temp is slightly raised but not feverish.
we haven't been walking every day, we usually do a short walk, a more ambitious walk and then a rest day where I take the DC to the pool and DH goes off somewhere.
She doesn't have form for pretending to be unwell (that's Ds and school Grin ) she would normally say if she doesn't want to go somewhere.

Next holiday, how about insisting on putting what DD likes first for once?

FarFarFarAndAway · 31/07/2022 11:28

This is why I never ever walk for pleasure as an adult! My parents were lovely and certainly wouldn't have behaved like your horrible husband (who seems to think he's on an army BootCamp for kids), but even so, trudging along the costal path for several hours a day is just not an activity I enjoyed. And I have never done so since!

Your husband is being completely unreasonable. Aged 10 she could even be ovulating/starting her period, what's he going to do then, march her up a hill without any facilities?

I just wouldn't agree to this type of holiday. As the children get older and more teenage, they won't want to do this or they will do it under sufferance. You need to cater for everyone's needs, and being ill on holiday is no fun.

I'm guessing the rest of your life with him is a bit like BootCamp, although perhaps he's just a complete twat on holiday....