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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it too late? Is there anything I can do?

279 replies

SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:18

This is a very sensitive issue so I don't want to go into too much detail. If anyone can help it would be much appreciated and if there is another board that is good for this topic I'd be grateful to hear that too.

I support a young family member. She is a young mother. She lives in foster care in a mother and baby placement. I thought she was doing well. However, she told me she failed her 'parent assessment'. I was shocked as I can see her child has developed each time I see them. The child is very happy and smiley. I see the mum talking to her child, singing to her, cuddling her.

Things that have been brought up in the report I have never seen - they say the child's clothes do not fit. Every time I see the child they are in suitably sized clothes, mum sends me photos most days and child always well dressed and I also see SM photos. They say she doesn't encourage the child but again that is not my experience. I just don't understand. They also say the mum is regressive. I'm not quite sure what they are refering to or what the issue is. Is this enough for them to take the child away?

Mum is devestated. She was in foster care herself and lacked a mother as a role model. However, I honestly believe with some support she can be a very good mother to her child. She doesn't take drugs, she went out on her birthday and had a drink but doesn't usually go out, she doesn't shout or hit her child, she cooks her healthy meals, bathes her and puts her to bed and buys her toys appropriate to her age.

Is there anything I can offer to do that could help? How can I best support her? I'm worried sick.

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 30/07/2022 23:21

I think you need more information. What is the parent assessment, who does it? Is it SS or foster carer? I would suggest that you try speaking to her foster carer if you can.

grey12 · 30/07/2022 23:24

I think I would try to speak to them to intercede in her favour. Show what proof you have of her being a good mum. Like a character witness?

blisstwins · 30/07/2022 23:25

I don’t know anything about the English system, but. I would be in touch with whomever is making these determinations. Do they even know this mom has some outside family support (you)? Is there a long-term plan? Goals? Wishing all the best.

Discovereads · 30/07/2022 23:25

Do you truly know what goes on behind closed doors?

Mally100 · 30/07/2022 23:28

You need to see the actual report. What evidence us this based on?

MichelleScarn · 30/07/2022 23:32

Have you seen the report or has she just told you?

Threelittlelambs · 30/07/2022 23:32

How young is the mother? Does she want your help? Has she asked?
I think I would be an idea to support her during these meetings - it’s hard to pick up the positives and easy to hear the negatives.

I would see if you can speak to whomever did the report with the girl with you to ask questions.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:33

Sarahcoggles · 30/07/2022 23:21

I think you need more information. What is the parent assessment, who does it? Is it SS or foster carer? I would suggest that you try speaking to her foster carer if you can.

It is SS that have done the report. Mum says foster carer doesn't agree with a lot of it but didn't seem to think that counted for much. It seems the SW has seen mum 3 times which is nothing to how much I've seen her and obviously the foster carer sees them every day. I will ask mum if I can speak to her foster carer. I'm not sure if this will be allowed as lots of rules, but I'll see, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:34

grey12 · 30/07/2022 23:24

I think I would try to speak to them to intercede in her favour. Show what proof you have of her being a good mum. Like a character witness?

That's kind of what I was thinking but not sure it will count for anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:37

blisstwins · 30/07/2022 23:25

I don’t know anything about the English system, but. I would be in touch with whomever is making these determinations. Do they even know this mom has some outside family support (you)? Is there a long-term plan? Goals? Wishing all the best.

I'm not sure they'd talk to me. They do know she has some family support, but not sure how much they know. The long term plan as far as I know was her to move to her own flat with support at first. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:38

Mum is speaking to her solicitor on Monday and I will see what I can find out.

OP posts:
ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/07/2022 23:41

Please try for your friend. I have read reports that social workers have written which have been full of misinformation, conjecture and outright lies about parents. I've made official complaints. The system is warped beyond belief.

There are some great social workers out there though. Perhaps your young friend should insist on another SW and a new report. Does she have anyone to advocate for her?

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:44

Discovereads · 30/07/2022 23:25

Do you truly know what goes on behind closed doors?

The truth is of course I don't. However, I am in contact with her every day. She will tell me what she's doing (making child lunch etc), we face time and I see her cuddling and singing to child. I do see photos of the child most days. She is always dressed appropriately. I see the child developing and can't believe the way she is with her when I see her is so different to when I'm not there. But surely the foster carer would be the one to know best.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:45

Mally100 · 30/07/2022 23:28

You need to see the actual report. What evidence us this based on?

It is based on 3 visits from what I can tell.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:45

MichelleScarn · 30/07/2022 23:32

Have you seen the report or has she just told you?

She has told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:48

Threelittlelambs · 30/07/2022 23:32

How young is the mother? Does she want your help? Has she asked?
I think I would be an idea to support her during these meetings - it’s hard to pick up the positives and easy to hear the negatives.

I would see if you can speak to whomever did the report with the girl with you to ask questions.

She is just into her 20s. Was a teenager when child was born. She doesn't ask for help but I do offer and she accepts. She says she thinks the next meeting is just professionals but she wants me to come to the next one that she can go to.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:53

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/07/2022 23:41

Please try for your friend. I have read reports that social workers have written which have been full of misinformation, conjecture and outright lies about parents. I've made official complaints. The system is warped beyond belief.

There are some great social workers out there though. Perhaps your young friend should insist on another SW and a new report. Does she have anyone to advocate for her?

I absolutely will try. I've told her whatever support she needs from me, I'll be there.

This is the thing, I also have experience of reports full of so much jumping to conclusions. Such as child doesn't like the toys on their bed being moved = bed is never changed.

To mean advocate for her in an official capacity?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:53

Do you mean...

OP posts:
Therealpink · 30/07/2022 23:56

I know of a case where a young mum, despite being exactly as you describe this mum to be (and it was fact that she loved the baby and was doing her best with everything she should have been), had her baby taken off her. The reason was said to be similar things SS are saying about your young family member but in this case it was really because she had grown up in foster care, was extremely vulnerable herself and they felt she would not be able to protect the child if left as the parent even though she had done absolutely nothing wrong yet. They couldn’t use that in court though so had the child removed citing very vague reasons.

No idea if this is what’s going on in this case but I don’t think a lot of people realise these things happen. It was incredibly cruel and unfair what happened this girl and her baby. Outrageous even.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 31/07/2022 00:05

Therealpink · 30/07/2022 23:56

I know of a case where a young mum, despite being exactly as you describe this mum to be (and it was fact that she loved the baby and was doing her best with everything she should have been), had her baby taken off her. The reason was said to be similar things SS are saying about your young family member but in this case it was really because she had grown up in foster care, was extremely vulnerable herself and they felt she would not be able to protect the child if left as the parent even though she had done absolutely nothing wrong yet. They couldn’t use that in court though so had the child removed citing very vague reasons.

No idea if this is what’s going on in this case but I don’t think a lot of people realise these things happen. It was incredibly cruel and unfair what happened this girl and her baby. Outrageous even.

I have had my suspicions all along that at least part of this is that she was in foster care herself so they see her as 'damaged goods'. Most of the things do seem quite vague or just really not a reason to take the child away. It horrifies me to think of them ripping this tiny child from her mum just because her clothes were a bit small. Not that I even believe that but even if it was true I just don't see it as a good enough reason. I hope mum is just panicking but we'll find out more on Monday.

OP posts:
Quia · 31/07/2022 00:27

Offer to provide a statement, and send copies of the photos showing the child is always wearing clothes that fit.

Circleofshells · 31/07/2022 00:41

@SummerDays2020 this is chilling. I honestly despair of the sort of judgements and conclusions that they seem to be encouraged to draw by their training. A psychologist or psychiatrist wouldn’t dream of coming to these sorts of conclusions through so few few conversations and without some objective measures, and they spend a lot longer training typically is a very specialised area. There are many wonderful people who are SWs but they are simply not qualified to make the sorts of high stakes decisions they are empowered to make imho. Solicitor is good, a conversation with a private fully qualified child psychologist (not psychotherapist) might prove beneficial to challenge some of the conclusions of the report. What does regressive refer to?? Very strange.

Wasywasydoodah · 31/07/2022 00:52

you need to be clear about:


  • what they are proposing (adoption or placing child with other family member)

  • whether you want to be assessed to take care of the child.

  • why the mum failed the assessment. Mum will be entitled to a copy of it herself. Technically she may not be able to show you because of court proceedings but in reality she can show you without anything bad happening to her.

in my experience she may well be hiding a lot of info from you. I’ve known mum’s be supported so well by a support worker, for them to say they’ve only been seen once when this is just not true.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 31/07/2022 00:55

Circleofshells · 31/07/2022 00:41

@SummerDays2020 this is chilling. I honestly despair of the sort of judgements and conclusions that they seem to be encouraged to draw by their training. A psychologist or psychiatrist wouldn’t dream of coming to these sorts of conclusions through so few few conversations and without some objective measures, and they spend a lot longer training typically is a very specialised area. There are many wonderful people who are SWs but they are simply not qualified to make the sorts of high stakes decisions they are empowered to make imho. Solicitor is good, a conversation with a private fully qualified child psychologist (not psychotherapist) might prove beneficial to challenge some of the conclusions of the report. What does regressive refer to?? Very strange.

They say the mum is 'regressive' which seems to mean 'doesn't act her age'? I mean she is very young and to me she acts like a young person. Of course, I don't know how she acts in front of the SWs - perhaps she feels intimidated so acts younger than she is because she's scared?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 31/07/2022 00:58

Wasywasydoodah · 31/07/2022 00:52

you need to be clear about:


  • what they are proposing (adoption or placing child with other family member)

  • whether you want to be assessed to take care of the child.

  • why the mum failed the assessment. Mum will be entitled to a copy of it herself. Technically she may not be able to show you because of court proceedings but in reality she can show you without anything bad happening to her.

in my experience she may well be hiding a lot of info from you. I’ve known mum’s be supported so well by a support worker, for them to say they’ve only been seen once when this is just not true.

I'd take care of the DC in a heart beat but I assume they wouldn't think my home is big enough as I have no spare room? I will definitely tell her to get a copy of the report and ask if I can read it.

OP posts:
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