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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it too late? Is there anything I can do?

279 replies

SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:18

This is a very sensitive issue so I don't want to go into too much detail. If anyone can help it would be much appreciated and if there is another board that is good for this topic I'd be grateful to hear that too.

I support a young family member. She is a young mother. She lives in foster care in a mother and baby placement. I thought she was doing well. However, she told me she failed her 'parent assessment'. I was shocked as I can see her child has developed each time I see them. The child is very happy and smiley. I see the mum talking to her child, singing to her, cuddling her.

Things that have been brought up in the report I have never seen - they say the child's clothes do not fit. Every time I see the child they are in suitably sized clothes, mum sends me photos most days and child always well dressed and I also see SM photos. They say she doesn't encourage the child but again that is not my experience. I just don't understand. They also say the mum is regressive. I'm not quite sure what they are refering to or what the issue is. Is this enough for them to take the child away?

Mum is devestated. She was in foster care herself and lacked a mother as a role model. However, I honestly believe with some support she can be a very good mother to her child. She doesn't take drugs, she went out on her birthday and had a drink but doesn't usually go out, she doesn't shout or hit her child, she cooks her healthy meals, bathes her and puts her to bed and buys her toys appropriate to her age.

Is there anything I can offer to do that could help? How can I best support her? I'm worried sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 01/08/2022 22:59

2almost3 · 01/08/2022 22:23

From my experience, SS are not bothered at all if a child stays with its birth or parents. They threw tonnes of money at my parents to have my children temporarily while they tried to build a case against us that ultimately crumbled because it was all a load of shit. 11 months they tried to take our children away, 5 social workers, 2 were struck off, 1 went on long term sick, one retired after visiting us for 11 minutes and deciding on that visit alone that she didn't think we were suitable parents because I didn't wash my hands immediately after changing a nappy with wee in because I was still dressing said child. Luckily we had great careers and support so we could afford the best lawyers in the area and our families (including my grandmother who is a childrens guardian) who supported us wholeheartedly. They were absolute vermin. Apart from one who was absolutely fantastic and clearly took their job seriously and thought of the childrens needs. But they were new to the job so I'm sure in time they will be corrupted too. I will never support SS again after their own manager sent me a complaints form because of how badly we were treated. Worse than shit on a shoe.

My toddlers nappy can become full in 1-2 hours if he's drinking a lot on a hot day. It doesn't necessarily mean it has been left on indefinitely, of course we change it frequently though but it just isn't always a sign of an unfit parent.

I do agree though sleeping in until said times in the late morning would be a bit strange. Although I wouldn't see it as a danger to a child as long as they are sleeping. My 21 month old sleeps 8-8am most days god knows he just loves to sleep.

My point is, in my experience SS do not always want the child to stay with the parent regardless if the parent is fit for the job or not sadly. It's a cruel cruel thing to have to experience first hand.

Show quote history

Mum had to travel on a couple of buses to get to the hospital and as we know it has been very hot and DC loves drinking her water. I can quite imagine arriving at an appointment, not having a chance to change her nappy so yes, toddler was present with a full nappy. I just don't see how that one incident can be proof of anything.

I've spoken to mum about gradually trying to get DD to sleep earlier and then waking her gradually earlier so they can both be up and washed and dressed ready for breakfast gradually at an earlier time. She is going to put the plan into action.

And again, I'm so sorry for your experience.

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BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 01/08/2022 23:00

2almost3 Thank you and sooo sorry for what you went through as it sounds like a nightmare and hope all worked out for you but bet that stress and worry never left you ever. What about the McCann who left their small babies every night to go drinking and eating, if that was a normal mum who was not a doctor/surgeon would be in jail for leaving their lovely babies alone, different rules for different classes. Do not care if people get annoyed with my comment but it is soo true.

Eastangular2000 · 01/08/2022 23:05

As a general rule if I am on the opposite side of a discussion from people who refer to social workers as vermin and start banging on about the McCanns, I take that as a pretty clear indication that I am on the right side.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 01/08/2022 23:06

ticktickticktickBOOM · 01/08/2022 22:23

Ah ok, that does help a bit. They will be looking for evidence that the young mum is fully understanding of the mental health issues she suffered and has coping strategies and support in place as well as good GP support in case she experiences anything again. This could be exercise and going on walks in the fresh air, eating healthily and checking in on how she's feeling with someone regularly and asking for support whenever she needs it. AS a young care leaver she can ask for extra support as she is entitled to it until 25.

They will also be looking for the young mum having strong boundaries with the baby's father if he has caused any problems in the past and to be aware of healthy relationships to protect herself and her child in future.
Many local authorities and charities run short parenting 'how to cope if' or 'how to deal with terrible two's type online seminars that she could opt into which would all help her show that she fully intends to overcome any challenges she may have. You could be in the background to help her attend these if she is feeling under confident.

The talk of baby going into separate foster care may be because of the fact that at the age of 21 foster care can stop for the young mum unless she has a great set up and both care leaver and foster carer agree to carry it on with the living arrangement. So they may just wish to see your young mum coping in a flat whilst her toddler stays in foster care to make sure it's all working well before baby comes home.

These are all questions you could help your young mum to ask the social workers. There's nothing wrong with her keep asking the social workers 'what can I do to improve?'. It shows she is doing her best. Even if she is already doing her best the SW's need to evidence it all and unfortunately just saying 'she's a great mum and loves her kids' doesn't provide them with the hard evidence they need to record in their reports.

Good luck. I really hope baby and mum can stay together and they both have the support they need. You're a good friend to help with this very difficult stage in a young and very vulnerable persons life. Breaking a baby/mother bond so young should be avoided and support given instead - especially if the mother is open to support.

Show quote history

Thank you so much this is extremely helpful. I will go through it with mum and see what we can put into place.

Luckily she does have good boundaries with the dad. They were together initially and there were concerns around arguing. Mum ended the relationship very quickly. Dad is very supportive of Mum but from a distance as they both became aware arguing was no good for their baby.

Dad is talking to his solicitor tomorrow. It does seem a possibility that DD could go into custody with her dad, but we'll see.

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 01/08/2022 23:08

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 01/08/2022 22:51

Eastangular2000 your comments are so negative and not really giving and solid advice to the situation so maybe it is best if you say nothing at all as you sound very hostile towards the person asking for support and advise. So sorry to hear sooo many women have been put through hell because of social workers who did not do their job properly. Am sure there are lots of hard working thoughtful social workers but those that skip corners just to tick a box should be fired as put mums and children through hell. Once they get a plan in place for this young mum and she has mum and baby courses and supports in place she will be fine and op is amazing in helping this young girl and tatooes should not be in issue at all or how a person dresses in this day and age. Keep us posted and hope things all work out ok.

Thank you so much ☺️

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 01/08/2022 23:13

Eastangular2000 · 01/08/2022 23:05

As a general rule if I am on the opposite side of a discussion from people who refer to social workers as vermin and start banging on about the McCanns, I take that as a pretty clear indication that I am on the right side.

Oh, for goodness sake, this is not your evening entertainment! This is not a game! You stay on your 'side' and leave the rest of us to actually care about a vulnerable young woman and her vulnerable child. Shame on you!

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2almost3 · 01/08/2022 23:36

@SummerDays2020

I think this young girl is very fortunate to have someone like you who genuinely cares about her and her child. Nobody is perfect and I think more support should be offered in these situations instead of such harsh repercussions when she hasn't actually done anything wrong yet!

Thank you for being kind and I really hope this goes in favour of keeping mum and baby together. I wish you all the best x

theChickenDinner · 01/08/2022 23:41

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theChickenDinner · 01/08/2022 23:41

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Ihatethenewlook · 01/08/2022 23:44

Eastangular2000 · 01/08/2022 23:05

As a general rule if I am on the opposite side of a discussion from people who refer to social workers as vermin and start banging on about the McCanns, I take that as a pretty clear indication that I am on the right side.

Oh do us all a favour and go be a dickhead on someone else’s thread. You’re boring the tits off of everybody 🙄

Ihatethenewlook · 01/08/2022 23:48

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Around 30% of the population have tattoos. They are not ‘red flags’ for anyone, ss or not? Would you be saying it was a red flag if she’d spent her birthday money on some make up or perfume? It doesn’t make you a bad parent for daring to spend your own birthday money on yourself. They’re clearly not destitute and starving.

theChickenDinner · 01/08/2022 23:54

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:23

2almost3 · 01/08/2022 23:36

@SummerDays2020

I think this young girl is very fortunate to have someone like you who genuinely cares about her and her child. Nobody is perfect and I think more support should be offered in these situations instead of such harsh repercussions when she hasn't actually done anything wrong yet!

Thank you for being kind and I really hope this goes in favour of keeping mum and baby together. I wish you all the best x

That's very kind, thank you. And yes, I hope so too.

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:25

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Did you miss this wasn't her everyday money she spent on the tattoo. It was birthday money given to her to spend on herself.

And how exactly am I not respectable because I have a tattoo of my DC's names?? 😂

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:28

Ihatethenewlook · 01/08/2022 23:48

Around 30% of the population have tattoos. They are not ‘red flags’ for anyone, ss or not? Would you be saying it was a red flag if she’d spent her birthday money on some make up or perfume? It doesn’t make you a bad parent for daring to spend your own birthday money on yourself. They’re clearly not destitute and starving.

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I agree, tattoos are pretty mainstream these days. She did something for herself (and was still thinking of her DD even then) - it's self care and really important to keep mentally strong.

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theChickenDinner · 02/08/2022 00:28

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:31

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And what background is that? I'm a professional, MC middle aged woman.

You don't seem to be comprehending this very well. This money was not available for her to spent on her DC. Does she not deserve any birthday presents? Should just tell everyone to buy DD presents instead?

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theChickenDinner · 02/08/2022 00:34

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:39

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Is it really? Oh, I'll have to tell all the MC professionals at work and in my social circle they are actually (oh my goodness of all things! Working class!) So what you're basically saying is if you're working class it's a red flag? Rightio.

As I said the money was not available to spend on her DC. It was for her only. Luckily, she was mature enough to understand that you need to look after yourself too. If you don't you're no good to your DC.

As it happens, DD just had her birthday. She's rolling in toys and books and what not. But yeah, if mum has bought her another toy instead of mum having a treat, well all would be ok.

Well, SS haven't seen it as a red flag so I guess I'm as objective as them!

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SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:42

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😂😂😂😂

Oh dear, it must be awful being such a snob and showing yourself up like this.

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Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 00:46

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However, seriously the money was given to mum with the proviso it was spent on herself rather than her DC. As every penny normally goes to the child. In my profession we understand that especially where there may be mental health issues, self care is so important. It is ok, to treat yourself and a birthday is a great excuse. That mum can understand this and practices self-care will be a positive in looking at how she is dealing with her mental health

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theChickenDinner · 02/08/2022 01:02

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theChickenDinner · 02/08/2022 01:04

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Circleofshells · 02/08/2022 01:16

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You seem nice

ticktickticktickBOOM · 02/08/2022 01:21

@theChickenDinner

I've guessed it - you're an aspiring social worker!

I feel safe now knowing that so many children will be protected by your amazing insights into child protection via the medium of tattoo and clothing scrutiny.