Is it too late? Is there anything I can do?

[SummerDays2020]

This is a very sensitive issue so I don't want to go into too much detail. If anyone can help it would be much appreciated and if there is another board that is good for this topic I'd be grateful to hear that too.

I support a young family member. She is a young mother. She lives in foster care in a mother and baby placement. I thought she was doing well. However, she told me she failed her 'parent assessment'. I was shocked as I can see her child has developed each time I see them. The child is very happy and smiley. I see the mum talking to her child, singing to her, cuddling her.

Things that have been brought up in the report I have never seen - they say the child's clothes do not fit. Every time I see the child they are in suitably sized clothes, mum sends me photos most days and child always well dressed and I also see SM photos. They say she doesn't encourage the child but again that is not my experience. I just don't understand. They also say the mum is regressive. I'm not quite sure what they are refering to or what the issue is. Is this enough for them to take the child away?

Mum is devestated. She was in foster care herself and lacked a mother as a role model. However, I honestly believe with some support she can be a very good mother to her child. She doesn't take drugs, she went out on her birthday and had a drink but doesn't usually go out, she doesn't shout or hit her child, she cooks her healthy meals, bathes her and puts her to bed and buys her toys appropriate to her age.

Is there anything I can offer to do that could help? How can I best support her? I'm worried sick.

I fail to see that myself having a boyfriend who unfortunately became very unwell and who I fought for help for as he was in danger of hurting someone (unfortunately he did). He was let down by mental health services. He has not been charged due to this. He is actually now at a point of being ready for discharge so is doing very well.

I'm afraid the stigma is showing big and strong.

I fail to see how myself having a boyfriend who became unwell means I suddenly lose the ability to support this mum or the ability to be given support on this thread. Unfortunately, people become mentally unwell.

Sorry, are you asking me? @Forthelasttime09 - has things wrong. I've never had a parental assessment.

No. He has always been completely stable until now. I'm a professional in mental health so I don't hold the kind of stigmas some on this thread seem to hold. I think as mental health has been identified as the central point I can certainly help her with hopefully help from elsewhere too.

Possibly, but mental health will do.

@Forthelasttime09 - searching a posters history is considered very bad etiquette on here. Ultimately, we can only see what is linked anyway. I could have NCd but I didn't.

At the end of the day noone on here can tell from basic information what someone's life is really like. If you've never been around people with mental illness it may seem 'quite shocking'. There are many, many people with serious mental illness walking around, stabilised due to treatment, sometimes not even meeting threshold for diagnosis anymore. These people have girlfriends and husband's, sons and daughters, nieces, uncles, parents, children. Sometimes SS may be involved (often under CIN or referred to EH) but most often they're not.

Often these people are let down by the system. Unfortunately in my Ex's case, he did not get the help he needed when needed and it led to him punching a man. Happily, he is now fully recovered and the police had no interest in pursuing the case and it was so clearly caused by the lack of input from the mental health service.

Wonder if you'll be back?

Well, I think I'll wrap this up by saying thank you so much to the genuine posters who have given a lot of really useful help and advice. Thank you so much for all the well wishes too.

It's a shame that a troll appeared and a couple who viewed this as a game to take 'sides on' and another who got terribly excited as they thought they could 'gotcha' me! 🙄 Presumably very lonely, perhaps immature and certainly bigoted people. It is shocking when you see it

But at least the positive is there are far, far more people who care, who want to help and show kindness to people of all walks of life. 💜

So ‘future emotional harm’ 😞 that’s a really tough one to fight OP.

Keep everything factual and unemotional and best of luck x

Good luck xx

Good luck op and ignore the trolls and those hateful personal attacks. As my late mum always used to say 'there for the grace of God go I'. Some are so perfect they are tripping over themselves to put others down. Take care and message me anytime if need to chat or any support and hope things work out for the best. Hope your ex partner fully recovers and it is really all about getting the best possible earliest help and support. Mind yourself and well done helping out others as it really is a great thing you are doing.

Thank you so much. It is isn't it. I'm hoping by looking at making sure mum can demonstrate how she is dealing with her mental health now and that she is now stable, that she knows exactly who to contact if she feels unwell in future, to create lots of ongoing support around her, for mum to know how to care for herself to negate the risk of future mental health.

Thank you.

What a kind post - thank you so much and for the offer to message.

It is very sad as you say, people almost taking pleasure at being able to put others down . I suppose they really do see themselves as so perfect.

Re: ex, his psychiatrist told him he is fit for discharge yesterday which is great news. He will remain on the ward until he is found accomodation. I was terribly relieved that he was finally given the help he deserved even though it sadly, affected our relationship.

Your kindness is appreciated so much ☺️

Given your response to my post about this post helping other people I'm having second thoughts about your judgement - based purely on your reply

Re: ex, his psychiatrist told him he is fit for discharge yesterday which is great news. He will remain on the ward until he is found accomodation
Who will find him accommodation? Where did he live before he was admitted?

OP, I am not a social worker but I have work jointly with social services in cases like this.

I think it in situation like this it is important to be objective as much possible whilst offering advice and support. This is a very stressful process and it can be very scary and confusing

Assessment of parenting capacity considers the parents ability to provide ‘good enough’ parenting in the long term. Therefore, if the mum has failed her parenting assessment, this is not a positive outcome as it indicates the parent is not likely to meet their child needs. In this instance, I recommend the mum reads the reports carefully and ensure she understands the feedback. If she has any concerns or questions, she should address this with the social worker. If she happy to provide consent for you read these document, I recommend you go through them. The key thing to remember is that mum needs understand what social services are concerned about (past harm, past history, future risk and other complicated factors). She will need demonstrate that she understands these concerns and that she can address these concerns.

I note your comment that social services have provided mum the feedback that regressive. This feedback can mean a number of things. It suggests to me that social service are concerned with mum mental health and how she presents herself. She may come across as younger than her age. When someone come across younger than their age, it can be a sign that individuals experienced abuse and trauma. Experiencing trauma isn’t usually held against you. It more how you have processed it and whether this trauma interferes with current functioning including parenting capacity. A person who appears regressive can be perceived as emotionally unstable or having personality traits. In this scenarios, professional will be consider whether the parent has a personality disorder or traits of personality disorder.

I wish you and the mum all the best.

His care coordinator. He lived in supported accommodation, however it was deemed unsuitable for him going forwards. He needs a lower level care (which should give him help with the things he actually needs help with, if that makes any sense).

When you say past harm etc - are these set categories they use or will it depend on the case?

Thank you very much about the information about being 'regressive'. I can now put that into contact. Unfortunately, mum has experienced trauma. She has no diagnosis of EUPD or PD traits, though. My opinion is that it is fear that does does trigger some regressive behaviour, but I'll have to see in what circumstances they have noticed it.

Your kind wishes are appreciated, thank you.

Can I ask as I'm a bit confused. If you have a solicitor in court, can you have an advocate as well or is that more for meetings with SS?

Sorry, I meant context above not contact.

Mn is weirdly and sadly very fucked up in their view on mental health.they will say they aren't.bug on posts whereit is talked about the comments are shocking.still siooo much work to do in this,I fear there won't be.so I hope you can use some of us that do understand.

Mental illness makes people do shocking,awful and upsetting things.it can also make people all the more sensitive and beautiful. I'm glad your partner got help.but I'm more than sure he was let down.help for mental health is disgustingly shitly inadequate.

That's also why you being there for your relative if you sure will be crucial.support through love and care is vital and often the only cure needed. Or the one thing needed for the sufferer to want,be able to heal.and too often people are alone.

What I might say.sadly again.is are you still in contact with this man.because whilst your goungvto be watched and noted on for reasonable support for your relative it might be an idea that he can't come up.they will do the chat about it not being an issue.ha.it will be.they will judge and it will go against you.

Ah, that's really lovely and I completely agree.

Thanks for the advice, I'll bear that in mind.