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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't wanna go anymore. I changed my mind.

245 replies

NutellaEllaElla · 30/07/2022 22:50

Ages ago I agreed to go to an event with 3 other people, cost £55 a person already paid. It's not an event I care much about but my DH and the others (his friends) do. Just today I realised it's in the evening tomorrow (not convinced I knew this when I initially agreed) and we won't be due home until 11pm. I have a full on busy day at work on Monday, I know i'll be tired and irritable as I am a morning person and i'll be cold, tired and fed up. So i've changed my mind and don't want to go. DH is of the opinion that I agreed before and have to go.

AIBU. and WWYD.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 31/07/2022 21:13

"It’s very entitled to expect someone to show up and attend an event despite them not wanting to go. "

It's not entitled to expect people to do what they said they would do. It's really just a minimum expectation in most friendship groups IME.

Are we saying that nobody has to do anything they don't want to do, ever? That putting yourself first by dropping out of things last-minute is a virtue now?

Because there are regularly upset people on mn, upset because no one has turned up to an event, friends have dropped out of holidays, bridesmaids haven't turned up to weddings, PIL have dropped out of babysitting, one kid has been left out of a class party, tradesmen haven't turned up to a job - all fine, nobody must do what they don't want to do and any expectation otherwise is selfish entitlement.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 21:56

It’s so weird how people are obsessed with others being flakey. Like I said, no one owes you their time.

Of course they don't, but then they should have the decency not to make those plans in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not nice behaviour to cancel on people and let them down. Clearly you don't give a shit, but most people are nice and don't want to disappoint the people they care about.

It’s very entitled to expect someone to show up and attend an event despite them not wanting to go.

What a heap of bullshit 🤣

Of course it's not entitled to expect someone to show up when they say they will 🙄

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/08/2022 00:01

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 16:01

Yes I do. Because I attend the events I want to go to and don’t attend events I don’t want to go to.

If I don’t feel like going somewhere, I let my friends know. They understand and vice-versa.

I would be absolutely mortified if a friend came to an event and didn’t want to be there, but stayed, miserable because they feared we would see them as “rude” or “flakey” if they cancelled.

Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a discussion. It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

Why even have friends if you can’t respect their wishes?????

Show quote history

I’ve frequently requested the wishes of others when it comes to attending events. I’d never pressurise someone into going somewhere they didn’t want to go. But do you know what they did when I invited them in the first place? They said thanks, but no thanks (or some such variation). They didn’t say they’d love to come, book the ticket and then flake out at the last minute.

Adults should indeed be able to say no to an activity. But they should say it from the start.

SleepingAgent · 01/08/2022 12:35

Anybody else wondering if Flissypaps is on here so much because they have no friends left in real life? GrinGrinGrin

Wannago · 01/08/2022 15:12

The thing that is fascinating me about the discussion on here is the viewpoint that because the OP's DH has two other friends that he still will be going with, it doesn't or shouldn't matter to him that the OP isn't there - whereas if it had only been the two of them, then a lot more people seem to agree that it would not be nice for OP to decide not to go. ie there is an acceptance that to leave the DH to go alone at the last minute is really not nice, but that so long as he has two friends, even though they are a couple, he should be fine without her. My DH would say he feels like a spare wheel in those circumstances, and really would not be happy (while in the opposite situation, when I am seeing a divorced friend, my DH will generally suggest he not go, as it he feels it makes the dynamics much harder for my friend and for me to be a friend to my friend). But while there is a lot of discussion about letting people down versus doing what one wants to do, the particular dynamics of the evening as a couple plus a spare, compared with two couples doesn't seem to particularly concern anyone.

Crunchymum · 01/08/2022 15:18

Did you go?

I for one of am the opinion that life is too short to do things you really don't want to (and as adults we are usually pretty sure of what we do and do not want to do!)

SleeplessInEngland · 01/08/2022 15:25

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 13:00

Would it be late to someone who had to get up at 4:00am for work?

Show quote history

Nowhere has the OP said they need to be up that early and if they did I'm sure they'd have mentioned it. So no, if they wake up at the same time as the rest of us then getting back at 11 is not late.

CactusBlossom · 01/08/2022 15:26

You've left it a bit late to pull out now... If you would really hate it, why agree in the first place? Is there something else that you'd rather do? I think you should go, as agreed, and make sure you make clearer arrangements next time.

By now you will have already decided to go / not to go.

Brooke1992 · 01/08/2022 18:44

If u don't want to go then DONT its ur life never do anything u don't want to fuck his opinion ur not letting anyone down but yourself if u do something u don't want to x

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 01/08/2022 19:33

I hate it when other people let me down last minute because they can’t be arsed. You shouldn’t have agreed to go in the first place but you’ve committed to it now and you would be letting your partner and friends down. People who say ‘don’t do anything you don’t want to’ are selfish IMO.

Solonge · 01/08/2022 20:09

I am amazed at the level of expected selfishness on this thread. The assumption is do nothing you dont fancy at any time....be as selfish as you like. If you bring your kids up that way I am not surprised at the government we have...look after yourself and sod the rest of the world. Horrible attitude. If you agree to do something and there is no reason other than 'changing your mind' you do it anyway as that is a totally shit reason for not doing it having told people you will do it. If you organise something, a birthday party for your child and half the kids couldnt be arsed so didnt turn up you wouldnt mind? like fuck you would.

IVbumble · 01/08/2022 20:11

Anyone is allowed to change their mind about something without even giving an 'excuse'.

It's ok to change your mind & if anyone else has a problem with it then that's their problem to deal with not yours.

BigFatLiar · 01/08/2022 20:12

So what did you do?

Triptinratbat · 01/08/2022 20:13

@NutellaEllaElla
did you go or stay back ?

saraclara · 01/08/2022 20:16

IVbumble · 01/08/2022 20:11

Anyone is allowed to change their mind about something without even giving an 'excuse'.

It's ok to change your mind & if anyone else has a problem with it then that's their problem to deal with not yours.

Except you've made it a problem for them. How is that okay?

If you change your mind about something, you let others know in time for it not to be (too much of) a problem for them. Unless you're a sociopath with neither empathy nor care for anyone else.

Goldbar · 01/08/2022 20:33

IVbumble · 01/08/2022 20:11

Anyone is allowed to change their mind about something without even giving an 'excuse'.

It's ok to change your mind & if anyone else has a problem with it then that's their problem to deal with not yours.

Is there a cut off point for this?

So if I'm meant to be meeting a friend for dinner, is it OK for me just to message "Sorry didn't feel like it" when I get a text from her asking where I am? Or should I at least tell her before she would otherwise be leaving for the restaurant? Or in the morning so she has time to get in food/make other arrangements for dinner? Or a few days beforehand so she can make other plans or invite another friend?

Or is it fine for me just not to turn up and not even bother messaging at all? Because I don't feel like it?

ancientgran · 01/08/2022 20:43

saraclara · 01/08/2022 20:16

Except you've made it a problem for them. How is that okay?

If you change your mind about something, you let others know in time for it not to be (too much of) a problem for them. Unless you're a sociopath with neither empathy nor care for anyone else.

Show quote history

Why is it a problem for 3 adults to go to watch a sporting event they are interested in?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 01/08/2022 20:47

IVbumble · 01/08/2022 20:11

Anyone is allowed to change their mind about something without even giving an 'excuse'.

It's ok to change your mind & if anyone else has a problem with it then that's their problem to deal with not yours.

But when you cancel last minute, you automatically make it the other persons' problem.

How are you not seeing that?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/08/2022 21:02

Why is it a problem for 3 adults to go to watch a sporting event they are interested in?

It isn’t. The OP only had to say ‘I don’t fancy it; why don’t you just go with Ted and Alice?’ Then her partner could have decided he was happy with that, or that he wasn’t that bothered and wouldn’t go. Fine. The problem was the OP saying she would go, buying the ticket and then shrugging her shoulders and saying ‘Nah, don’t feel like it’.

Original poster
NutellaEllaElla · 01/08/2022 21:04

Ok, i'm almost afraid to come back to the thread to update Grin
There are other factors involved and I don't want to out myself but, I didn't go and I enjoyed luxuriating at home. No regrets.

  1. I am not usually a flaky person. This might be the first time i've not honoured a commitment without a very compelling reason.
  2. I discussed it with DH and he was ok with it.
  3. It wasn't letting the group down. As I said, i'm the 3rd wheel in this one, they share the particular interest, not me. It's not a birthday party, one to one restaurant meal etc etc
  4. I'd actually spent a fair amount of time with the the day before as well, no one was going to miss my sparkling repartee.
Not that it's an excuse, but I sometimes feel surrounded by people who don't do anything they don't want to. They put themselves first and on this occasion, why shouldn't I? Not all the time, I do think that can be selfish at times depending on the context, but if you're not an asshole, and I'm usually a very reliable person, then the people who love you understand.
OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 01/08/2022 21:06

Why is it a problem for 3 adults to go to watch a sporting event they are interested in?

It's not a problem and nobody has said otherwise.

What is a problem is agreeing to go as a group of four, buying a ticket and then deciding at the last minute that, actually, you can't be bothered.

You're then letting three other people down who were all looking forward to seeing you and getting together as a group of four.

NumberTheory · 01/08/2022 21:15

A grown up conversation! Gosh, that sometimes feels unheard of on MN! Glad everything worked out for everyone Nutella

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 01/08/2022 21:19

bluebeck · 30/07/2022 23:10

Of course you don't have to go.

I agree. It's ridiculous that 3 other adults need to insist OP goes.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 01/08/2022 21:20

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 01/08/2022 21:06

Why is it a problem for 3 adults to go to watch a sporting event they are interested in?

It's not a problem and nobody has said otherwise.

What is a problem is agreeing to go as a group of four, buying a ticket and then deciding at the last minute that, actually, you can't be bothered.

You're then letting three other people down who were all looking forward to seeing you and getting together as a group of four.

That's ridiculous. The event won't be any different.

ancientgran · 01/08/2022 21:22

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 01/08/2022 21:06

Why is it a problem for 3 adults to go to watch a sporting event they are interested in?

It's not a problem and nobody has said otherwise.

What is a problem is agreeing to go as a group of four, buying a ticket and then deciding at the last minute that, actually, you can't be bothered.

You're then letting three other people down who were all looking forward to seeing you and getting together as a group of four.

Well her husband needn't look forward to seeing her, he lives with her. I still can't see the problem, if it was two people going out then yes it leaves one high and dry but 3 people going to see something that interests them is totally different and having a 4th along who doesn't share the interest and doesn't feel like going won't add anything positive.

@NutellaEllaElla glad you enjoyed your evening.