Page 8 | I don't wanna go anymore. I changed my mind.

NutellaEllaElla · 2022-07-30T21:50:14+00:00

Ages ago I agreed to go to an event with 3 other people, cost £55 a person already paid. It's not an event I care much about but my DH and the others (his friends) do. Just today I realised it's in the evening tomorrow (not convinced I knew this when I initially agreed) and we won't be due home until 11pm. I have a full on busy day at work on Monday, I know i'll be tired and irritable as I am a morning person and i'll be cold, tired and fed up. So i've changed my mind and don't want to go. DH is of the opinion that I agreed before and have to go. AIBU. and WWYD.

ancientgran · 31/07/2022 15:54

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 15:52

Including continuing to invite people who don't show up. Of course the OP can do as she wants but actions have consequences. People tend not to put themselves out for people who let them down.

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Well if someone decides they don't want to invite me to spend £55 and spend an evening watching something I'm not interested in I think I can happily live with that.

ancientgran · 31/07/2022 15:56

pimlicoanna · 31/07/2022 15:48

I'd say don't go. Not attending something because you don't want to is a valid decision to make. I don't t attend anything I don't want to unless it's for my children.

Yes the only sporting events I've ever sat through are out of duty for my children or grandchildren. It is a sign of my love for them that I've put myself through that.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 15:56

ancientgran · 31/07/2022 15:54

Well if someone decides they don't want to invite me to spend £55 and spend an evening watching something I'm not interested in I think I can happily live with that.

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Then why not say no in the first place so they can invite someone else?

ancientgran · 31/07/2022 15:58

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 15:56

Then why not say no in the first place so they can invite someone else?

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Maybe her husband talked her into it, maybe he guilted her into it but there weren't only 4 tickets for the Commonwealth Games so he could have invited someone else anyway. She bought her ticket, it's hers to use or waste.

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 16:01

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 15:53

Do you get many repeat invites with this attitude?

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Yes I do. Because I attend the events I want to go to and don’t attend events I don’t want to go to.

If I don’t feel like going somewhere, I let my friends know. They understand and vice-versa.

I would be absolutely mortified if a friend came to an event and didn’t want to be there, but stayed, miserable because they feared we would see them as “rude” or “flakey” if they cancelled.

Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a discussion. It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

Why even have friends if you can’t respect their wishes?????

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 16:02

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 15:56

Then why not say no in the first place so they can invite someone else?

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Have you read the thread title?? OP changed their mind you know, that we are all entitled to do.

maddy68 · 31/07/2022 16:05

Dint be that flaky friend that cancels. You agreed , you go.
11 is not late ffs
You'll enjoy it when you get there

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 16:20

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 16:01

Yes I do. Because I attend the events I want to go to and don’t attend events I don’t want to go to.

If I don’t feel like going somewhere, I let my friends know. They understand and vice-versa.

I would be absolutely mortified if a friend came to an event and didn’t want to be there, but stayed, miserable because they feared we would see them as “rude” or “flakey” if they cancelled.

Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a discussion. It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

Why even have friends if you can’t respect their wishes?????

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It's not 'respecting their wishes', is it? It's wasting your friend's time.

Most people would view an agreement to meet as being a commitment. Meaning you can't then accept a better offer if it comes around. So the friend may have turned down other events because they thought you had an agreement that you were going to meet up. Blowing them off just because you don't feel like it on the day shows a shocking disrespect for their time, since they could have accepted other invitations or arranged to do something else which now they can't.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 16:22

Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a discussion. It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

Is it? So a friend is sat there in a restaurant waiting for you, you decide you can't be bothered, and they're the nasty one for having expected you to stick to the arrangement?

PlantSpider · 31/07/2022 16:33

NoMichaelNo · 31/07/2022 10:34

OP you sound like my toddler, how old are you?

If you don't go you will be seen as flaky and rude, if you're fine with that then don't go.

Your toddler has fabulous writing skills! There’s a Gifted and Talented topic…

justfiveminutes · 31/07/2022 18:51

"I would be absolutely mortified if a friend came to an event and didn’t want to be there, but stayed, miserable because they feared we would see them as “rude” or “flakey” if they cancelled.

Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a discussion. It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

Why even have friends if you can’t respect their wishes?????"

My friends don't let me down. They say no to things but they don't say yes, pay, and then drop out the day before. I treat them with the same respect. It seems to work quite well and I don't think any of us consider the others nasty or selfish for expecting us to turn up when we said we would.

What happens if you make arrangements with three people and then they all decide, on the day, that they can't be arsed attending? People cheerfully go alone and respect their friends for being authentic to themselves do they?

I'm not sure why it's making you so cross that other people expect more, reciprocally of course, really.

Jellywobblescobbles · 31/07/2022 19:05

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 16:01

Yes I do. Because I attend the events I want to go to and don’t attend events I don’t want to go to.

If I don’t feel like going somewhere, I let my friends know. They understand and vice-versa.

I would be absolutely mortified if a friend came to an event and didn’t want to be there, but stayed, miserable because they feared we would see them as “rude” or “flakey” if they cancelled.

Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a discussion. It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

Why even have friends if you can’t respect their wishes?????

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This reply ! Totally agree.

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 19:06

It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

This cannot be real.

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 19:51

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 19:06

It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

This cannot be real.

Of course it’s real. In the OP’s situation, she doesn’t want to go to an event. There is still 3 people attending. Expecting her to show up when she doesn’t want to is pure selfish.

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 19:58

The next time there is an upset mother on here because only 2 children came to her child's birthday party, or because her partner hasn't come home when he said he would, or when a woman is stood up on a date, I shall be sure to remind her how nasty and selfish she is being for expecting people to stick to pre-arranged plans.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 19:59

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 19:06

It’s utter nastiness and selfishness to expect people to show up and “stick to arrangements”.

This cannot be real.

I know. I can't quite believe that anyone thinks it's "nasty" to expect not to be stood up by a friend and just "asserting boundaries" to let your friends down whenever you're not feeling it. Very odd.

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 20:01

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 19:58

The next time there is an upset mother on here because only 2 children came to her child's birthday party, or because her partner hasn't come home when he said he would, or when a woman is stood up on a date, I shall be sure to remind her how nasty and selfish she is being for expecting people to stick to pre-arranged plans.

Oh give up.

The OP’s situation is totally different to a child’s birthday party or a date.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 20:02

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 19:58

The next time there is an upset mother on here because only 2 children came to her child's birthday party, or because her partner hasn't come home when he said he would, or when a woman is stood up on a date, I shall be sure to remind her how nasty and selfish she is being for expecting people to stick to pre-arranged plans.

The good thing is that you work out who these people are quite quickly and then stop inviting them or arranging things with them.

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 20:03

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 19:59

I know. I can't quite believe that anyone thinks it's "nasty" to expect not to be stood up by a friend and just "asserting boundaries" to let your friends down whenever you're not feeling it. Very odd.

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The OP is not standing anyone up.

The OP doesn’t want to go to an event that 3 people are still attending. It’s ridiculous to expect her to go, be miserable just to not let the other 3 people down.

Honestly the entitlement of people is ridiculous. No one owes you their time. If someone wants to pull out of a GROUP event. They can. It’s selfish to make people feel guilty about putting themselves first.

Lockheart · 31/07/2022 20:04

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 20:01

Oh give up.

The OP’s situation is totally different to a child’s birthday party or a date.

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Not at all. They're both social events that (rude) people agreed to attend and have then dropped out of.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 20:06

No one owes me their time, that's true, but I don't owe anyone else my time either. Like most people I suspect, I prefer to make plans with friends who mutually respect each other's time. People can put themselves first if they like, but they can't then complain that others don't have time for them.

lioncitygirl · 31/07/2022 20:09

To be fair - if someone did this to me, I would be really annoyed. You should have said earlier you didn’t want to go, and not just agreed to go, without even noting down the time, place etc. i would just go for now. Sorry OP.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 20:31

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 20:03

The OP is not standing anyone up.

The OP doesn’t want to go to an event that 3 people are still attending. It’s ridiculous to expect her to go, be miserable just to not let the other 3 people down.

Honestly the entitlement of people is ridiculous. No one owes you their time. If someone wants to pull out of a GROUP event. They can. It’s selfish to make people feel guilty about putting themselves first.

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Okay, and what if two other people decide they can't be arsed either, or can't attend because they're sick, leaving the one person attending on their own?

It's not "entitled" to expect people stick to their word, ffs.

However, it IS shitty to agree to do something and then cancel purely because you "don't wanna go".

FlissyPaps · 31/07/2022 20:50

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 20:31

Okay, and what if two other people decide they can't be arsed either, or can't attend because they're sick, leaving the one person attending on their own?

It's not "entitled" to expect people stick to their word, ffs.

However, it IS shitty to agree to do something and then cancel purely because you "don't wanna go".

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What do you want to hear?

You’re talking about a hypothetical situation here. IF the two other people cancel last minute, then that’s it. They cancel. The remaining 1 person can either not go, or go. It’s not rocket science.

It’s so weird how people are obsessed with others being flakey. Like I said, no one owes you their time.

I would much rather someone not come if they would rather be at home.

It’s very entitled to expect someone to show up and attend an event despite them not wanting to go.

This thread is about OP’s situation. 3 people were still attending. What is the big deal?

latetothefisting · 31/07/2022 20:53

NutellaEllaElla · 31/07/2022 07:40

It's the commonwealth games. It's such a ballache, the venue is a 40 min bus ride from the bloody car park! wtf? No those aren't my initials btw.

I don't know why I agreed to go in the first place tbh.

I know I sound childish but it's quite funny being called bed wetting. Is it fun making people bend to your will?

I'm caught between your valid points about not flaking out on DH, and not doing things I don't want to do as @Beefcurtains79 says.

To be fair, if you'd said when originally asked you didn't want to go I'd be saying YANBU (although realistically part of being a couple is occasionally doing things you are not a huge fan of to support the other person; a relationship where both of you only pleased yourself 100% of the time probably wouldn't last the distance).
It's the agreeing to do something and then backing out that makes you unreasonable. Particularly if you've spent £55 of what is presumably household money on something that will go to waste.

Particularly since Covid people seem to be so bad for this. Which is fine, as long as you then never moan when you organise a party/meal/night out and everyone drops out last minute, because if it's fine for you to not do things you don't want to do for, let's face it, a pretty pathetic reason (surely most adults don't go to bed much before 11pm anyway?) then it's ok for everyone else, including your DH to do the same to you.