Page 5 | I don't wanna go anymore. I changed my mind.

NutellaEllaElla · 2022-07-30T21:50:14+00:00

Ages ago I agreed to go to an event with 3 other people, cost £55 a person already paid. It's not an event I care much about but my DH and the others (his friends) do. Just today I realised it's in the evening tomorrow (not convinced I knew this when I initially agreed) and we won't be due home until 11pm. I have a full on busy day at work on Monday, I know i'll be tired and irritable as I am a morning person and i'll be cold, tired and fed up. So i've changed my mind and don't want to go. DH is of the opinion that I agreed before and have to go. AIBU. and WWYD.

FourTeaFallOut · 31/07/2022 10:58

It's amazing that anyone manages to cobble a relationship together for ten minutes with this petty point scoring.

You need to be more assertive at the outset, op. You never wanted to go to this. Next time you are being corralled into a commitment you don't want you need to stock to your guns.

Go/ don't go. Whichever suits you now. It's poor form to drop out at the last minute but it's not the end of the world.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 31/07/2022 10:58

I think the fact you’ve said you’d be annoyed if the roles were reversed and you’re still saying you’re not sure whether you’re going or not is just charming 😂 says it all

xyzabchij · 31/07/2022 11:00

^*You sound like a big baby/toddler.

Stay at home and poo the bed instead. They'll have more fun without you, whatever it is.*^

This is now my favourite saying. Anytime someone says no to going anywhere I'll just say 'stay at home and poo the bed'.

MalagaNights · 31/07/2022 11:00

Why does it bother your DH if you don't go?

He still gets to go, and he's got other people to go with. Why do you have to go?

I can't see why this is an issue for him.

Wheresthebeach · 31/07/2022 11:06

I think pulling out at the last minute is rude, you really don't have an excuse. You should have said no at the beginning, but you didn't so suck it up and go with a smile on your face.

Meadowbreeze · 31/07/2022 11:06

The general rule is let your yes mean yes. It's quite selfish to pull out this late. Best to learn from this and in future don't sign up to things you know you won't enjoy. It's also good to sometimes suck it up and do things that will make someone's day.

LosingMyPancakes · 31/07/2022 11:08

Is it the rugby tonight? If so, DH and I are going (at peast an hour there and hour back). We went on Friday too and it was great fun! You don't have to be a big rugby fan nor do you need a home nation to cheer on.

As others said, would you be happy if you made plans for you and DH and he couldn't be arsed to go on the day? Not a type of marriage I would want, personally.

NoMichaelNo · 31/07/2022 11:09

How am I rude?

Meadowbreeze · 31/07/2022 11:10

@MalagaNights because it's hurtful? Why is this so difficult for people to grasp. Someone was excited to go to something they love with their significant other who agreed to go. It's selfish and unkind to pull out at the last minute. And really, would it feel so nice if he didn't care she's not going? Like her presence wasn't of any value anyway and her absence makes no difference. If she had said I can't go and my partner isn't even upset, you'd probably think he's an asshole.

Northbynorthbreast · 31/07/2022 11:10

Gift your ticket to someone who would thrilled to have the chance to go. Then sit back and enjoy a quiet night in.

Kennykenkencat · 31/07/2022 11:12

The time for deciding to go or not was before you paid for the ticket.

I don’t see why the bus ride to and from the carpark has anything to do with why you don’t want to go. Surely if it was that much of a problem you could have got alternative transport to and from the event or even get a space from one of the Parkopedia type websites etc to be closer.

I think you need to get to know what you do or don’t enjoy and be very firm if anyone asks or talks about doing something to realise you just won’t enjoy it.

I don’t see the problem with not getting home till 11pm. It isn’t exactly late.

MalagaNights · 31/07/2022 11:16

Meadowbreeze · 31/07/2022 11:10

@MalagaNights because it's hurtful? Why is this so difficult for people to grasp. Someone was excited to go to something they love with their significant other who agreed to go. It's selfish and unkind to pull out at the last minute. And really, would it feel so nice if he didn't care she's not going? Like her presence wasn't of any value anyway and her absence makes no difference. If she had said I can't go and my partner isn't even upset, you'd probably think he's an asshole.

I can't grasp it because I honestly wouldn't be hurt.

If I was going to an event I enjoy with a group of people including my husband and then my husband didn't come, I'd still enjoy the event with the other people.
I really wouldn't judge this as any indication of his feelings for me or our relationship. We can enjoy things without the other being there.

If it was a romantic meal just the two of us and he didn't want to go I'd be upset. As the purpose of that activity is us enjoying being together.
I could still enjoy a film, sporting, music event without my husband.

Kennykenkencat · 31/07/2022 11:18

I don’t enjoy certain live sporting events but I have had to go in the past because dc have wanted to go and needed a parent to take them.
So I pick a team or a person and cheer them on and take the joy from being out with loved ones, friends, with other people around you and being alive.

Namechangenoidea · 31/07/2022 11:23

I would go. To me being flaky is one of the worst character traits you can have. I hate it.

Meadowbreeze · 31/07/2022 11:32

@MalagaNights Yes and no. I think something like this isn't a usual event and it's quite hurtful to just decide not to go. It's as if the things your partner takes pleasure in, don't matter to you. The actual event might not be fun for OP, but spending time with friends and family, not necessarily at something you might choose, is selflessly loving someone. I would hope OPs partner would do the same with something they take interest in but the ops partner doesn't.

HDready · 31/07/2022 11:33

If it’s the rugby, I highly recommend it - it was great fun yesterday and I’m not a rugby fan.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 11:35

MalagaNights · 31/07/2022 11:16

I can't grasp it because I honestly wouldn't be hurt.

If I was going to an event I enjoy with a group of people including my husband and then my husband didn't come, I'd still enjoy the event with the other people.
I really wouldn't judge this as any indication of his feelings for me or our relationship. We can enjoy things without the other being there.

If it was a romantic meal just the two of us and he didn't want to go I'd be upset. As the purpose of that activity is us enjoying being together.
I could still enjoy a film, sporting, music event without my husband.

Show quote history

I can enjoy plenty of things without DH's company, but if he'd agreed to come out with me and then ditched me at the last minute because he "didn't wanna go" I would still be pretty upset.

It's rude to make plans with people and then ditch them at the last minute because you can't be arsed to honour your commitment.

Watermill · 31/07/2022 11:40

Yeah I agree with @MalagaNights . I don't understand why it's hurtful. I wouldn't be hurt if my DP said they had changed their mind/wouldn't be coming, unless it was just the two of us going, then I might be a bit miffed, depending on what it was.

Why would OPs DH have to apologise to the friends? He's still going. It would be OP who would say "sorry, had a busy week, going to give it a miss, have a great time." If the friends make a huge drama about it they are just pissy.

Summerslam · 31/07/2022 11:44

Don't go. Ask your DH to see if he can flog your ticket to someone outside the venue.

Jagoda · 31/07/2022 11:47

I wonder if there is an age differential in these responses. I probably would have been more bothered about this kind of thing in my thirties and forties, but as you get older you realise life is far too short to bother doing shit you don't have to do.

People change their minds. Really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things is it? I wouldn't feel remotely guilty OP.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 11:49

Watermill · 31/07/2022 11:40

Yeah I agree with @MalagaNights . I don't understand why it's hurtful. I wouldn't be hurt if my DP said they had changed their mind/wouldn't be coming, unless it was just the two of us going, then I might be a bit miffed, depending on what it was.

Why would OPs DH have to apologise to the friends? He's still going. It would be OP who would say "sorry, had a busy week, going to give it a miss, have a great time." If the friends make a huge drama about it they are just pissy.

But in this scenario, the OP has said that she WOULD be hurt if her DH ditched her in similar circumstances.

And he wouldn't have to apologise, but it's inevitably what happens when your partner drops out of an event at the last minute. Whenever DH has had to drop out (due to illness or work, for example) people always ask about him, talk about what a shame it is that he's missed out etc.

I'd feel really awkward having to apologise for a spouse who just couldn't be arsed to join me, tbh.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 11:50

NutellaEllaElla · 30/07/2022 23:11

We paid for the tickets already. He wouldn't feel like a 3rd wheel, if anything i'm the 3rd wheel. The busy work day thing is a bit of an excuse tbh although all true. I just don't think i'll enjoy it.

I hate that you're right that I wouldn't be impressed if the situation was reversed.

Everyone seems to be missing this response from OP upthread.

She'd not be happy if her DH ditched her, but she still thinks it's okay to ditch him.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 11:51

It goes both ways, doesn't it?

Don't ditch others unless you're happy to be ditched yourself.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/07/2022 11:54

What difference does it make to DH and his friends whether you go or not? DH has company either way, the friends are his friends, you've already said that you are the 3rd wheel.
As the ticket has been paid for, you could just tell DH you don't want to go, and he could take another friend. Who'd probably be delighted to get a free ticket.

Gymnopedie · 31/07/2022 11:54

The thread title sums it up for me - I don't wanna go. Not 'want to'. I can only hear it in my head said by a three year old, along with 'S'not fair' and foot stamping.