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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I encouraging exclusion at holiday club?

157 replies

HolidayClubFriends · 30/07/2022 15:35

DD (aged 8) goes to a holiday club.

There’s a girl there whose in her class and goes to an activity with her. We’ll call her S.

For context both S and DD have SN, this is not a club specifically for those with SN but they are very inclusive and DD loves it.

DD has also made friends with a group of other children there, there’s 4 of them in this group, a mixture of boys and girls. None of them go to her school but one goes to an activity DD does (not the same one S does).

On Tuesday when DD was there she said S wanted her to herself all day and got upset if she tried to play with the group. DD says one of the boys and one of the girls in the group invited both DD and S to play but S cried because she wanted DD to herself so DD stayed with S all day.

On Wednesday I told DD that as long as she wasn’t deliberately leaving S out she was ok to play with the group if she wanted to. I told her to invite S to play with them or ask the group if S can join them but if S says no or that she just wants DD to play with then she does not have to play with just S if she wants to play with the group. I also emailed the holiday club leader (HCL) and said that DD wanted to play with this group but I’d told her to include other children. HCL emailed back and said she'd make sure everyone was included but that DD could play with her group of friends.

Wednesday night I got a Facebook message from S’s mum saying S was upset because she’d wanted to play with just DD all day and DD had been playing with the other group and could I ask DD to play with just S please.

I didn’t reply to the message but did email the HCL just to check that DD hadn’t left S out, she came back and said she’d encouraged a group including DD to include S but S hadn’t wanted to play with them. She didn’t say anymore than that. I forwarded the message in the next email and just said that this was S’s mums view and if my DD was bullying or excluding S I wanted to know. She replied and said that DD had wanted to play with the group and S but S didn’t want to play with the group.

On Thursday I got another message from S’s mum to say that DD not playing with S is bullying and she’s going to ask the HCL to keep the girls together in a pair so they can “sort out their differences” I replied to say DD had said she’d wanted to play with all her friends and invited S to play, S’s mum then said that S only likes to play with one other child at a time and she’s chosen DD. Apparently next week DD will only be allowed to play with S.

AIBU to tell DD to play with the group of friends if she wants to? Or am I encouraging her to exclude S?

I don’t know what to do.

DDs SN isn’t autism or adhd but she does struggle socially, she tries to make friends wherever she can and I’m so pleased she has a small group at holiday club as none of her classmates are there. She's there 3 days a week while I work so I want her to be happy and to want to go.

So who is UR?

OP posts:
Original poster
HolidayClubFriends · 30/07/2022 15:35

None of her other classmates that should be

OP posts:
JM10 · 30/07/2022 15:39

Your daughter is trying to include S. The club leader has confirmed this. If S only wants to play on her terms she will sadly not get what she wants some of the time and she has to learn that. Her mum can't force your daughter to play with only S. If she does, there's a good chance she'll make your daughter resent S and then not be friends with her at all.

Womencanlift · 30/07/2022 15:39

“She has chosen your DD” for that the other mum is extremely unreasonable

I would reply that while you are empathetic up her child’s needs, your priority is your own DDs needs and you will encouraging her to include everyone but if they choose not you do so then that is not any fault of your DD

It is definitely not bullying so I would be nipping her calling your DD that in the bud right away

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2022 15:40

“It’s lovely your daughter wants to play with mine but my daughter also has a choice here. I’m assured that she’s not excluding S and won’t be insisting she plays exclusively with her or anyone else.”

lilyboleyn · 30/07/2022 15:41

Well quite clearly S’s mother is batshit crazy.
if I were you, I’d send one more message to the holiday club saying you and S’s mother have had a disagreement because she is trying to enforce your DD from playing only with S. let them know that you’d be very upset should DD be kept away from the other group, but you wanted them to know that things aren’t good with S’s mother. End.

WhichBitchIsWhich · 30/07/2022 15:42

S's mum is being a dick.

Your DD can play with who she wants, and the HCL (who is actually there watching what's going on) says she isn't leaving S out, so there's not really anything your DD needs to change here!

PurpleWisteria · 30/07/2022 15:45

You need to be very firm with S's DM or it will get worse. Tell her your DD tried to include S in the group but S declined. Tell her your DD will continue to play with the group if that's her choice and to say it's bullying is ridiculous. Forcing her to play with just one child is bullying.

Be very firm with the organisers as well.

girlmom21 · 30/07/2022 15:45

You need to be really clear with S's mom that her DD's needs or wants don't trump yours.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/07/2022 15:45

I'd be more sympathetic if the other mum had politely explained and asked if they could play together 1 on 1 for a bit.

But being accused of bullying and being dictated to would get my back up. Especially being told she has to do this all week.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/07/2022 15:46

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2022 15:40

“It’s lovely your daughter wants to play with mine but my daughter also has a choice here. I’m assured that she’s not excluding S and won’t be insisting she plays exclusively with her or anyone else.”

This.

You have to make sure your DDs wants are being taken seriously

hidethetoaster · 30/07/2022 15:46

"Wednesday night I got a Facebook message from S’s mum saying S was upset because she’d wanted to play with just DD all day and DD had been playing with the other group and could I ask DD to play with just S please."

This is the turning point where it got weird.
Regardless of any SEN, no child can segregate your DD from the group against her will. It's slightly toxic that S's DM has chosen to deal with it like this. If she had a legitimate concern she would raise it to the HCL.

She's endorsing and legitimising S's behaviour. Nothing wrong with S's coping strategy as a child but she but she needs to learn a better way, not for her DM to join in with isolating DD from her other friends to give S a safety blanket.

S is not your DD's duty or burden and you need to let the HCL know the whole story as you outlined above.

Acheyknees · 30/07/2022 15:48

I don't think this little girls mother is doing her any favours thh. SN or not, she cannot control who plays with her daughter. If her daughter only can play with one child, perhaps the group isn't right for her. I wouldn't get drawn into what her DD wants, I would just say 'oh DD really enjoys making new friends, her confidence has really come on and I'm really proud of her'.
Her expecting your DD to play with one child is unreasonable and she knows it.
Don't get drawn into restricting who your DD plays with. Just say from your perspective, making new friends is great for her confidence.

Sirzy · 30/07/2022 15:49

lilyboleyn · 30/07/2022 15:41

Well quite clearly S’s mother is batshit crazy.
if I were you, I’d send one more message to the holiday club saying you and S’s mother have had a disagreement because she is trying to enforce your DD from playing only with S. let them know that you’d be very upset should DD be kept away from the other group, but you wanted them to know that things aren’t good with S’s mother. End.

I would do this.

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 15:50

lilyboleyn · 30/07/2022 15:41

Well quite clearly S’s mother is batshit crazy.
if I were you, I’d send one more message to the holiday club saying you and S’s mother have had a disagreement because she is trying to enforce your DD from playing only with S. let them know that you’d be very upset should DD be kept away from the other group, but you wanted them to know that things aren’t good with S’s mother. End.

Yes please do this op!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 30/07/2022 15:51

I think you need to tell S’s mum quite bluntly to back off.

Tell her that you have ensured that your DD is not bullying, and that she might want to check out what the definition of bullying actually is. Also that if she and her DD continue to pressure your DD into playing alone with S, you will tell your dad that she’s not to play with S at all because you aren’t going to encourage friendships that aren’t in your child’s best interests.

Your DD needs you to back her up and make sure she isn’t forced into sacrificing her own friendships for another child’s benefit. It sounds like you’ve done everything right so far.

Sirzy · 30/07/2022 15:52

I wouldn’t engage with the mum anymore let the holiday club deal with it

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2022 15:53

S’s mum has overstepped and is doing her child no favours by encouraging her child’s behaviour, whatever the reasons behind it. S has no right to ‘have your DD to herself’ and your DD is not there to cede to S’s demands.

S’s mother is being inappropriate/ overbearing by contacting you directly and given that she is accusing you of the very behaviour she and her daughter are exhibiting, I would avoid direct contact.

Keep in contact with the group leader.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 30/07/2022 15:56

Your daughter is not a paid 1-1/LSA.
Another child cannot claim "dibs" on her.
To ask her to play exclusively with one other, means she cannot grow/build her own confidence/improve on social skills if socially awkward. You know this. You need to make this clear to all involved. I would say this even if my child was the other one in this scenario.
I assume they did not both sign up together (although even if they did, your dd still has right to expand her circle of friends in any setting - the more the merrier, right?)

Anotherdayanotherdisappointment · 30/07/2022 15:59

S's mum is not "batshit crazy" or "being a dick". As a SN parent myself I totally get how it hurts for your child to feel left out because they cannot cope with group play. And S's mum is trying to help her dd have someone to play with...she's just going about it the wrong way. But navigating SN parenting is impossible at the best of times.

It sounds like you and S's mum are at least acquaintances having each others email addresses? I'd phone S's mum and talk to her. I totally get how she feels but unfortunately she needs to understand that S's social needs are only important to her and S. Your DD being able to form a social group is progress and needs to be encouraged. If you talk about it as development and progress rather than playground politics (she wants to play with x etc.) then I think S's mum is more likely to realise she is unreasonable to hinder a fellow SN child's social development.

ManateeFair · 30/07/2022 16:02

S’s mother is bonkers. Who the fuck does she think she is?

Blueblell · 30/07/2022 16:03

The other Mum sounds like a bit of a bully to me! Speak to the club leader and explain about the messages and that you want your daughter to mix with everyone. Sounds like your DD has been trying to do that and should be encouraged to play with all the kids and not forced to play exclusively with one child.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/07/2022 16:07

"We've taught our DD to play with everyone and not exclude anyone, so wouldn't feel comfortable telling her she can't play with the other kids. We'll make sure she always includes S and is kind to all."

ManateeFair · 30/07/2022 16:08

S's mum is not "batshit crazy" or "being a dick". As a SN parent myself I totally get how it hurts for your child to feel left out because they cannot cope with group play.

She is still being a dick, though. She is being a dick because she thinks her child is more important than the others and that because she has ‘chosen’ the OP’s DD, OP’s DD shouldn’t be able to play with anyone else. She is literally demanding that the OP’s DD’s day revolves entirely round her child. Regardless of the reason, she is being a dick. Her request on her child’s behalf is rude, pushy and selfish and she has zero consideration for the needs of the other children.

Freddiefox · 30/07/2022 16:10

You need to tell s’ mum that dd will not be paired with dd, that she is not bullying her, that dd will continue to ask s if she’s like to play, but that it’s s’ choice if she wants to play, and if she continues to use loaded language such as bullying you will have to review the friendship.

MsDemeanors · 30/07/2022 16:12

TheProvincialLady · Today 15:40
“It’s lovely your daughter wants to play with mine but my daughter also has a choice here. I’m assured that she’s not excluding S and won’t be insisting she plays exclusively with her or anyone else.”

SunshineAndFizz · Today 16:07
"We've taught our DD to play with everyone and not exclude anyone, so wouldn't feel comfortable telling her she can't play with the other kids. We'll make sure she always includes S and is kind to all."

Both these messages are excellent and cover all bases with tact and politeness.

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