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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I encouraging exclusion at holiday club?

157 replies

HolidayClubFriends · 30/07/2022 15:35

DD (aged 8) goes to a holiday club.

There’s a girl there whose in her class and goes to an activity with her. We’ll call her S.

For context both S and DD have SN, this is not a club specifically for those with SN but they are very inclusive and DD loves it.

DD has also made friends with a group of other children there, there’s 4 of them in this group, a mixture of boys and girls. None of them go to her school but one goes to an activity DD does (not the same one S does).

On Tuesday when DD was there she said S wanted her to herself all day and got upset if she tried to play with the group. DD says one of the boys and one of the girls in the group invited both DD and S to play but S cried because she wanted DD to herself so DD stayed with S all day.

On Wednesday I told DD that as long as she wasn’t deliberately leaving S out she was ok to play with the group if she wanted to. I told her to invite S to play with them or ask the group if S can join them but if S says no or that she just wants DD to play with then she does not have to play with just S if she wants to play with the group. I also emailed the holiday club leader (HCL) and said that DD wanted to play with this group but I’d told her to include other children. HCL emailed back and said she'd make sure everyone was included but that DD could play with her group of friends.

Wednesday night I got a Facebook message from S’s mum saying S was upset because she’d wanted to play with just DD all day and DD had been playing with the other group and could I ask DD to play with just S please.

I didn’t reply to the message but did email the HCL just to check that DD hadn’t left S out, she came back and said she’d encouraged a group including DD to include S but S hadn’t wanted to play with them. She didn’t say anymore than that. I forwarded the message in the next email and just said that this was S’s mums view and if my DD was bullying or excluding S I wanted to know. She replied and said that DD had wanted to play with the group and S but S didn’t want to play with the group.

On Thursday I got another message from S’s mum to say that DD not playing with S is bullying and she’s going to ask the HCL to keep the girls together in a pair so they can “sort out their differences” I replied to say DD had said she’d wanted to play with all her friends and invited S to play, S’s mum then said that S only likes to play with one other child at a time and she’s chosen DD. Apparently next week DD will only be allowed to play with S.

AIBU to tell DD to play with the group of friends if she wants to? Or am I encouraging her to exclude S?

I don’t know what to do.

DDs SN isn’t autism or adhd but she does struggle socially, she tries to make friends wherever she can and I’m so pleased she has a small group at holiday club as none of her classmates are there. She's there 3 days a week while I work so I want her to be happy and to want to go.

So who is UR?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/08/2022 19:39

lollipoprainbow · 03/08/2022 19:26

Still sad for S though isn't it.

It is, but she needs to be supported to develop social skills without relying on one other child and with correct boundaries. Chances are that is going to be a much longer term challenge than the holiday club can do much for.

Outoforder2 · 03/08/2022 19:42

lollipoprainbow · 03/08/2022 19:26

Still sad for S though isn't it.

Yes, but she has to learn it's the way it works? How does she learn otherwise?

Womencanlift · 03/08/2022 20:09

lollipoprainbow · 03/08/2022 19:26

Still sad for S though isn't it.

Yes it’s sad that she has a mother who isn’t preparing her for the realities of the real world. I do sympathise with S but more so with OPs DD, both of whom have their own needs.

OP sounds like she is doing a great job with her DD. S mum is just setting up long term issues

JustLyra · 03/08/2022 20:27

lollipoprainbow · 03/08/2022 19:26

Still sad for S though isn't it.

The answer to one sad child isn’t to give the sadness to another.

That’s not how the world works, not should it be.

Original poster
HolidayClubFriends · 03/08/2022 22:02

lollipoprainbow · 03/08/2022 19:26

Still sad for S though isn't it.

It is @lollipoprainbow but that's why we treat S with kindness while also standing up for ourselves, I think DD did a great job of including S today by sitting with her at lunch and spending some time 1-1. None of what she or the HCL has told me happened today sounded like DD being nasty. In fact I'm proud of the way she behaved.

I hope S grows in confidence and is able to join in with the group when she's ready. I have the upmost respect for S and her mum, it's tricky, I know myself with DD. And situations you think they'll thrive in they struggle in, but the opposite is true too. And I will also help S's mum to navigate this as best I can, but that does not mean S dominating my DD.

I will continue to encourage DD to be kind and inclusive of S, but that does not mean sacrificing herself or her own enjoyment to keep S happy.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 03/08/2022 23:13

OP
You are #beingkind, I think too kind.
If I as an adult today was in a somewhat similar (obviously practically different but you know what I mean) situation, I would choose to remove myself completely from the adult equivalent of S.
That's because I'd have learnt from experience that I could be "trapped", that sometimes you give an inch a mile is taken.
Your DD should have the choice to do the same. If you want her to be a strong person as well as #bekind.

TrashyPanda · 03/08/2022 23:43

I will continue to encourage DD to be kind and inclusive of S, but that does not mean sacrificing herself or her own enjoyment to keep S happy.

wise words.
you are a caring person.

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