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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I encouraging exclusion at holiday club?

157 replies

HolidayClubFriends · 30/07/2022 15:35

DD (aged 8) goes to a holiday club.

There’s a girl there whose in her class and goes to an activity with her. We’ll call her S.

For context both S and DD have SN, this is not a club specifically for those with SN but they are very inclusive and DD loves it.

DD has also made friends with a group of other children there, there’s 4 of them in this group, a mixture of boys and girls. None of them go to her school but one goes to an activity DD does (not the same one S does).

On Tuesday when DD was there she said S wanted her to herself all day and got upset if she tried to play with the group. DD says one of the boys and one of the girls in the group invited both DD and S to play but S cried because she wanted DD to herself so DD stayed with S all day.

On Wednesday I told DD that as long as she wasn’t deliberately leaving S out she was ok to play with the group if she wanted to. I told her to invite S to play with them or ask the group if S can join them but if S says no or that she just wants DD to play with then she does not have to play with just S if she wants to play with the group. I also emailed the holiday club leader (HCL) and said that DD wanted to play with this group but I’d told her to include other children. HCL emailed back and said she'd make sure everyone was included but that DD could play with her group of friends.

Wednesday night I got a Facebook message from S’s mum saying S was upset because she’d wanted to play with just DD all day and DD had been playing with the other group and could I ask DD to play with just S please.

I didn’t reply to the message but did email the HCL just to check that DD hadn’t left S out, she came back and said she’d encouraged a group including DD to include S but S hadn’t wanted to play with them. She didn’t say anymore than that. I forwarded the message in the next email and just said that this was S’s mums view and if my DD was bullying or excluding S I wanted to know. She replied and said that DD had wanted to play with the group and S but S didn’t want to play with the group.

On Thursday I got another message from S’s mum to say that DD not playing with S is bullying and she’s going to ask the HCL to keep the girls together in a pair so they can “sort out their differences” I replied to say DD had said she’d wanted to play with all her friends and invited S to play, S’s mum then said that S only likes to play with one other child at a time and she’s chosen DD. Apparently next week DD will only be allowed to play with S.

AIBU to tell DD to play with the group of friends if she wants to? Or am I encouraging her to exclude S?

I don’t know what to do.

DDs SN isn’t autism or adhd but she does struggle socially, she tries to make friends wherever she can and I’m so pleased she has a small group at holiday club as none of her classmates are there. She's there 3 days a week while I work so I want her to be happy and to want to go.

So who is UR?

OP posts:

Scepticalwotsits · 01/08/2022 02:45

Be very firm with the mother and the group.

at school my DC was pushed into being a helper for a SN child. No issue with him playing or being friends with said child but not at the detriment to the education my son was getting.

However we were not informed about what the SN was for said child (which I guess the school cannot give out as it’s not there place) one day DC came back with a black eye and large egg, turns out child had slammed DC head against the table. We kicked off about this and was met with accusation that we were being ableist.

needless to say we moved schools and informed the county council safeguarding decision

Scepticalwotsits · 01/08/2022 02:46

Scepticalwotsits · 01/08/2022 02:45

Be very firm with the mother and the group.

at school my DC was pushed into being a helper for a SN child. No issue with him playing or being friends with said child but not at the detriment to the education my son was getting.

needless to say we moved schools and informed the county council safeguarding decision

Sorry hit enter to soon. So OP donlet
the other parent dictate what happens to your child. Unfortunately a lot of people
will cave to a pushy parent and follow the path of least resistance, make sure you stand up for your child

Onlyforcake · 01/08/2022 02:59

I'd be removing my child from the hiday club. Holiday's are for fun. This sounds like a lot of unnecessary stress. Not to mention wanting to put a lot of distance between me and these over invested parents trying to micromanage their child's friendships

HappyDays40 · 01/08/2022 04:26

My son is a bit of a social butterfly and doesn't have one best friend he flits about and has lots of friends. When one of his dinner assistants at school decided to annexe him to play with the younger ones every day I had something to say.
Unless your daughter is bullying (which it sound's like she is not at all) then this other mum has no right to say or comment on what you daughter should be doing.
Your daughter is not responsible for hers.
I'd tell her to back off, her daughter was given a choice and chose not to take it. I'm sure it has been difficult for her and her daughter but she needs to help hers become more resilient and not to expect to be able to control others relationships.

Viviennemary · 01/08/2022 05:38

Life seems to be very difficult for S who finds it hard to be one of a group. But the mother putting pressure on you to force your child to go along with S's wishes is just not on. Explain politely to the mother that you agree with your your daughter trying to play in a group and her child is certainly not excluded from this group.

Underhisi · 01/08/2022 06:53

"So OP donlet
the other parent dictate what happens to your child."

The issue here is that the OP's child shouldn't be forced to play only with a particular child not that children with sn are dangerous.

Lily4444 · 01/08/2022 06:54

To me, it seems like you’re both micromanaging the kids…. At the end of the day you’ve encouraged your daughter to include all other kids - which is great. Now I’d totally take a back seat now and leave it to the kids. I’d tell S’s mum that you’ve encourage your daughter to play with everyone but it’s her choice who she want to ply with and you’re not going to micromanage or step in to force her to play with S but if she has any concerns like bullying etc. she should contact the holiday club leader

Dinoteeth · 01/08/2022 07:15

Onlyforcake · 01/08/2022 02:59

And where do you think Op is going to get replacement child care at short notice?

If the holiday club is like mine, it needs to be booked and paid for, prior to the school holidays starting. So they can sort outings and staffing.

The issue needs to be managed by the holiday club. They need to encourage the other girl to join in and ensure groups aren't being cliquey by excluding her.

Nobody can reasonably expect one child to play 121 with another. The other mum is the one that's bullying. She should be encouraging her DD to open up to the idea of "the more the merrier" and to look for other friends if she doesn't like the group Ops DD is playing with.

I also know kids can be manipulative and tell you - nobody plays with me - when you speak with staff they'll tell you actually they played with 3 or 4 different kids that day.

Twiglets1 · 01/08/2022 07:36

It’s better for your daughter to develop the social skills involved in being part of a group of friends.
I sympathise with S’s mum but she can’t expect your daughter to limit herself to one friend just because of her own daughters lack of confidence or interest in social groups. As long as your daughter is still bring friendly to S and playing with her sometimes and encouraging her to be part of the group, she is doing nothing wrong.

MichelleScarn · 01/08/2022 08:05

Somethingneedstochange · 31/07/2022 22:05

Your daughter is there to progress in her social skills as well. The club should be encouraging S to join in with all children. They could encourage her to play with each child individually first. It's not fair to put that reasonsibilty on one child.

While very kind.. I don't think this is the right option either as that still stops the other children engaging with their friends and perpetuates S mothers belief that she and S can dictate how others spend their day and socialise.

lollipoprainbow · 01/08/2022 08:18

While I don't agree with the the heavy handiness approach of S mum I also know what it's like to have a dd like S. Lots of advice here advising S to play with others and be more resilient etc if only it was that simple. My dd struggles terribly with friendships and likes one friend to play with and gets v upset if there's a group of 3.

Lots of posters quick to tell the OP what a lovely kind dd she has while implying S is 'selfish' and not very nice isn't helpful either ! She's probably a very sad little girl desperate for friends.

Ihaveamagicwand · 01/08/2022 09:44

OP putting all this aside for a moment, I hope your DD has a very enjoyable time at the holiday club this week.

SoupDragon · 01/08/2022 11:45

On Thursday I got another message from S’s mum to say that DD not playing with S is bullying

insisting your DD plays only with them and not the wider group is also "bullying"

of course, the other mother will have heard a different story from her DD told from her point of view.

i would tell the HCL the mother has accused your DD of bullying and ask her to clear this up with the other mother.

Blantw · 02/08/2022 15:23

Jeez, .aybe you should ask the kids to sort it out, they seem to have more sense than the mums.

ElegantlyTouched · 02/08/2022 20:34

How did it go today?

Original poster

HolidayClubFriends · 03/08/2022 17:33

S wasn't there yesterday so she played with her friends all day.

Today the structured activity was team games but S was put on the other team to DD.

DD says she sat with S at lunchtime but during their afternoon free time DD wanted to do something different to S and HCL told DD to go off and do what she wanted. DD says S was crying for her.

HCL says she encouraged DD to “be kind but be her own person” and that she’s played with the group today during free time. Apparently S spent some time with DD 1-1 but when DD had had enough HCL says she was told to tell a member of staff and she could go off and do her own thing.

So I think HCLs handled it well.

OP posts:

Womencanlift · 03/08/2022 17:35

That’s a good update OP. Sounds like the HCLs have handled it really well. Just hope S mum realises that this is the best solution for everyone

JustLyra · 03/08/2022 17:42

HolidayClubFriends · 03/08/2022 17:33

S wasn't there yesterday so she played with her friends all day.

Today the structured activity was team games but S was put on the other team to DD.

DD says she sat with S at lunchtime but during their afternoon free time DD wanted to do something different to S and HCL told DD to go off and do what she wanted. DD says S was crying for her.

So I think HCLs handled it well.

Sounds like they’ve handled it very well.

Your DD has done very well to continue to play 1-on-1 with S sometimes. A lot of kids would have backed away completely with that level of demanding.

Just keep an eye when they go back to school too, just in case S’s mum tells the school they’re besties or whatever. It took me months to sort a situation like that many years ago with my DD1

TrashyPanda · 03/08/2022 17:46

Sounds like the HCLs are really on the ball.

hope your DD continues to have fun there

LambChopsMcGee · 03/08/2022 17:47

“be kind but be her own person”

That's really good from the HCL. I hope it all works out and S's mum understands.

JustLyra · 03/08/2022 17:51

Anotherdayanotherdisappointment · 30/07/2022 15:59

S's mum is not "batshit crazy" or "being a dick". As a SN parent myself I totally get how it hurts for your child to feel left out because they cannot cope with group play. And S's mum is trying to help her dd have someone to play with...she's just going about it the wrong way. But navigating SN parenting is impossible at the best of times.

It sounds like you and S's mum are at least acquaintances having each others email addresses? I'd phone S's mum and talk to her. I totally get how she feels but unfortunately she needs to understand that S's social needs are only important to her and S. Your DD being able to form a social group is progress and needs to be encouraged. If you talk about it as development and progress rather than playground politics (she wants to play with x etc.) then I think S's mum is more likely to realise she is unreasonable to hinder a fellow SN child's social development.

She is being a dick though.

completely failing to have any regard for another child is being a dick.

Its an absolute minefield parenting a child with SN and it can be utterly heartbreaking at times, but her comments calling the OP’s DD a bully and seeking out the Op to tell her that her child hasn’t to play with anyone except S is a dick move.

wellhelloitsme · 03/08/2022 17:52

Ah the HCL sounds fab, I'm really pleased OP.

whowhatwerewhy · 03/08/2022 18:11

A very sensible HCL . It seems S is able to join in on team games so maybe in time she will have the confidence to Join in when it's free play .

MeridianB · 03/08/2022 18:14

Great to hear, OP. HCL approach sounds super sensible.

lollipoprainbow · 03/08/2022 19:26

Still sad for S though isn't it.

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